it's piper's turn next!
  • OH RIGHT, SHE WAS PREGNANT OR SOMETHING: Hey remember Sarah Palin’s daughter, Bristol, and how she got herself pregnant to distract attention from a DailyKos diarist-generated scandal about Trig actually being Bristol’s secret “other” baby which led Andrew Sullivan to DEMAND PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE of Trig popping out of Sarah Palin’s vag, everyday, until… oh, he’s still doing that… and then Rudy Giuliani called the liberal media sexist for this at a political convention while Kathryn Jean Lopez prayed for her own secret “other” Down Syndrome bastard child to arrive via stork? You do! Well, Bristol Palin’s baby is supposedly due on Saturday, according to a hilarious interview with Bristol’s grandfather, Chuck Heath, on the website “Grandparents.com.” [Grandparents.com]
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About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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110 comments

  1. Texan Bulldoggette

    “I hope he’s a normal, happy, healthy kid.” Uh oh, sounds like someone was a little disappointed with Trig.

  2. ManchuCandidate

    I wonder how many of the gifts were “paid” for by the RNC?

    Considering I’d like to see someone send the kid an “I’m with Stupid” T-shirt so that will be worn and seen when grandma Sarah shows the new kid off.

  3. Vanity Smurf

    How long until Granny Palin gets herself busted with a hockey player from Willow’s class in the greatest cougar scandal of all time?

  4. hrhkingfriday

    So far signing up is easy, but it’ll “save” your comments before they post…

    Also note that there are a ton of politics articles if you run a search for palin.

  5. Joey Ratz

    [re=202651]DangerousLiberal[/re]: Dang. That’s one creepy picture. My favourite quote:

    Tony Perkins, president of the Family Research Council, said Weyrich ”didn’t over-intellectualize about Christians ‘jumping into the fray.’ He recognized early that the fray had jumped onto us.”

    Perkins, of course, has never over-intellectualised anything, ever.

  6. pepe

    Why is this tag forgetting about Willow — she is going to turn out to be the best-looking Palin of all!

  7. Vanity Smurf

    [re=202651]DangerousLiberal[/re]: Straight to Hell. An obit without one mention of family or survivors is a bit unusual. Color me very suspicious.

  8. Borat

    [re=202650]hrhkingfriday[/re]: It seems your comments are ‘saved’ before posting. Probably not worth the time unless you want to post some crazy religous stuff then say Bless Them All at the end

  9. pepe

    Which one of you Trucknutz is responsible for this comment:

    Illinois politics & politicians!! I am so glad I voted for the Palin’s (not just Sarah, but for the whole wonderful family), and I can’t wait to vote again!
    mike2u on 12/15/08 at 01:43 PM

    Who knew that when you’re casting your vote for a slate of electors pledged to a Presidential candidate, you are really voting for the (whole, wonderful) family of the VP nominee!?

  10. smellyal8r

    So…her wedding to Mr. Hottypants is when? Friday? Right? She’ll have this child in wedlock with Levi Strauss (or whatever his name is)? That’s what the family values crowd sez…

  11. Aurelio

    [re=202671]smellyal8r[/re]: The wedding is next summer. Which is like saying “a week from Tuesday” or “I’ll see ya later.”

  12. grevillea

    [re=202670]pepe[/re]: That was to cut down on the assassination attempts. Unless you managed to kill all 723* of them, the VP would still be a Palin. *Probably more now, knowing how fast they spawn.

  13. DangerousLiberal

    [re=202664]Joey Ratz[/re]: My thoughts, exactly. It makes no logical sense to have “intellectualize” and “Republican” in the same sentence.

  14. Borat

    [re=202671]smellyal8r[/re]: Yeah, my whole YOU ARE LIVING IN SIN BUT BLESS YOU ALL post didn’t seem to go anywhere…those grandparents really know how to lock down a website…therefore not worth it. Taunting Bush supporters however with idiot Webmasters and Closeted Conservatives are however.

  15. Joey Ratz

    [re=202683]Borat[/re]: I finally looked at that site, and in between Pat Tillman, Jeff Gannon and Roll Fizzlemeat there is… Freda Felcher?? Which of us sickos put that one in there? Unless, of course, it is a real name…

  16. tsunami

    here’s a good one. i can’t wait to see mine.

    THEZE LUVLY GREATGRANPARENTS NEED TO EXPLAINS GOOD CHRISTIAN FAMILY VALUES TO THERE KIDS AND GRANDKIDS AND GREATGRANKIDS. THEY SEEM LIKE GOODS PEOPLE BUT THEIR KIN ARE SINNERS, AND NEED TO SPEEK TO THE LORD FOR FORGIVENSS FOR ALLOWNG CHILDREN TO RUN LOOOSE WITHOUT MARRAGE. THEY MUST SEEK LOVE IN THE SWWEET BABY JESUS NOT THESE MATERIAL THINGS AND SHOULD STOP THEM FROM WORKING ON THE SABBITH.

    FreedomAmerica on 12/18/08 at 07:50 PM

  17. smellyal8r

    [re=202690]Borat[/re]: That goes along with “this is a private family matter” until…”we decided to parade them all on stage at the GOP Convention” theorem.

  18. tsunami

    [re=202700]tsunami[/re]: here’s my low key attempt to get printed.

    i sympathize with these fine people. years ago my daughter became pregnant before she was married and even though we were disgraced at the time we now have a fine grandson. it happens in the best of families, but we’re glad it only happened once. praise God.

  19. Mahousu

    [re=202698]Joey Ratz[/re]: I did a U.S. directory check, and while it found no Freda Felcher, it did find Fiona Felcher, Florence Felcher, Francene Felcher, Flinor Felcher, Frank Felcher, Fox Felcher and Felcher Felcher. If Fox Felcher is not a furry, there is no justice in this world.

  20. L Urchin

    “Bring back crystal pepsi!!” by one hrhkingfriday made it past the grandpappy censors. Must have thought that was a forgotten Palin kid.

  21. Lascauxcaveman

    [re=202708]Mahousu[/re]: I’m guessing “Felcher Felcher” is a law firm.

    A really, really sleazy law firm.

  22. wheelie

    That was a vile interview. Levi Johnston was completely left out of the narrative. Typical liberal stance: ignore the father because unmarried fathers don’t matter. They got no rights.

    Oh Levi, why don’t they care about you? Isn’t Levi Jnr yours too? Are you living under an assumed name in Saskatoon, Levi? Levi???

  23. dilhavarti

    I think it’s time the dialogue get elevated above the successful coverup of Bristol’s retarded baby lateral pass to her “great Mom”.

    I have a serious question. Shouldn’t there be a gay Palin? Statistically it seems odd there’s no screaming drag-queen aunt or raging bull-dagger biker-dude uncle. Discuss.

  24. SayItWithWookies

    [re=202698]Joey Ratz[/re]: Don’t forget Ana Lyn Sershin. Mine, unfortunately, didn’t get posted — I signed as Manolo Blahnik, and now it won’t let me try again.

  25. shortsshortsshorts

    FUCK! They purged us. I blame Trig.
    But I also blame the editors of Wonkette…. one of you tipped them off…. I FEEL IT IN MY BRAINS.

  26. hobospacejungle

    How does that insectface Sarah turn out such darling little offspring? She looks like an experiment gone wrong on The Fly while her kids look set to grow up to be (or already are) troublemakin’ hotties, except for Trig. There’s no makin’ sense of genetics.

  27. wheelie

    [re=202726]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: I suspect that ‘Juli Weiner’, if that is her real name, is the closet conservative in our midst, tipping off the wingnuts to our every move. I think she should be witch-hunted. If she drowns, then my bad. But if she floats, we need to drown her right away.

  28. SayItWithWookies

    In further Wonketteers-get-dissed news, Campbell Brown is still all over OverheardinNewYork.com. Why did she leave us? I feel so used.

  29. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=202736]wheelie[/re]: wheelie, sir. It is so obviously Trig at this point I don’t think there is any other argument. Trig is ruining the fabric of American society.

  30. Scarab

    What about the name?
    Will they blindly grab Scrabble tiles or just randomly pick a character name from TV Guide?

  31. robanybody

    ShortsCubed: Ruining the fabric? Are you saying Trig’s a muslin? Wait, was Hopey in AK in 07? Oh god… it’s all coming clear. That’s where “drill baby drill” came from! She was taunting Hopey through the TV! That’s why she ran against him! It wasn’t politics, IT WAS PERSONAL!!

    oh. my. god. I’m calling Drudge.

  32. sarcasticusername

    i’m so fucking happy that stupid campbell brown is gone, right now i don’t even care about anything else (though i wish she was gone from all the other parts of the internets she’s invaded).

    oh and please let bristol palin pick a normal name for her kid, then she’d really be the black sheep of her nutty family; getting knocked up at 17 doesn’t phase them, it’s the sacred rite of baby naming that truly matters.

  33. SayItWithWookies

    [re=202763]Scarab[/re]: In keeping with the Palin tradition, I think they should name the kid after where he was conceived. Of course, since they’re teenagers, they’ll probably have to give him like seven names just to cover their bases. He’ll end up being named something like Aerostar Porchswing Lockerroom Tanningbooth Sofa Diningroomtable Palin.

  34. SayItWithWookies

    [re=202773]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Or whatever Levi’s last name is — Johnston? I’d look it up but I suddenly stopped caring.

  35. PsycGirl

    [re=202670]pepe[/re]: “I am so glad I voted for the Palin’s”
    To what quality or possession of the Palins was this person referring? If the whole family thing is true, it is so good that Hillary is NOT the VP-elect because we would also have been voting for Roger Clinton.
    [re=202773]SayItWithWookies[/re]: I guess that since conception would have been March in Alaska, Behindthebushes Palin or Inthewoods Palin is unlikely. As is Porchswing, really. Unless they have heated porch swings in Alaska and why not, really? Also.

  36. Guppy06

    Wait, this Saturday? Can’t Bristol cross her legs for five more days, so that this miraculous virgin birth happens on the proper day?

  37. PsycGirl

    Here’s my favorite comment:

    “i love sarah and i am PROUD REPUBLICAN and hope to see her in 12 to clean up the mess that will be left!!!!!!!!!!!”

    Because, unlike 2012, there is NO mess for the new president to clean up. At least according to people who have no idea when capitalization is appropriate.

  38. shortsshortsshorts

    FUCK. What is Trig doing to you folks? Palin may be the attractive alternative, but evil Trig is to blame for all of this, ever. Everything.

  39. Aurelio

    [re=202799]Tarruck Nuhts[/re]: You are making several dubious assumptions:

    (1) that Trig and the Obama girls will grow up;

    (2) that there will be a 2040, which assumes that we will not be in some Dark Age where we forget how to find our asses with a flashlight,

    (3) that we will still have elections in 2040, which presupposes that we will not be living in a barbarian state of war of all against all, where people all speak with Australian accents, sport tattoos and spike hairdos and chase each other around in enormous gasoline propelled stylized wrecks.

  40. Mr Blifil

    I hope she doesn’t need any surgical intervention and can pursue a course of natural childbirth. The only reliable anaesthesia available in Alaska consists of laying the patient supine on the snow while a bear sits on your head until you pass out.

  41. robanybody

    [re=202806]Aurelio[/re]: I think you blokes are talking about 2020. By 2040 the cockroaches (and Keith Richards) will be digging up our parts and cursing us for tasting so leathery.

  42. J-Man

    [re=202787]Guppy06[/re]: Right! Then she can name it Jesús, to get both the Christian vote and the Meskin vote. (And didn’t Elton John and Bernie Taupin predict this — I mean Levi/Levon?) Anyway, I think the blessed event may actually take place on Thursday. I saw three wise men at the Alaska Airlines ticket counter at DCA today. They were able to put the gold in their carry-on, but TSA confiscated the frankincense and myrrh. Granny would probably prefer swaddling clothes from Saks anyway.

  43. Guppy06

    [re=202807]Mr Blifil[/re]: Considering the myriad definitions of “bear,” are we talking about Alaskan medicine or Republican sex games?

  44. Mojopo

    While you’re thinking about unwed mothers in Wasilla, please also consider the problem with Dubya’s new rule, as of Thursday. That whole “conscience protection” thing is a fuckin’ outrage, and it enables the entire healthcare industry to turn their back on women first and everyone else next.

    Call Dubya to complain at (202) 456-1414. Call. Complain.
    http://mojopo.blogspot.com/2008/12/white-house-202-456-1414.html

  45. Bearbloke

    [re=202784]TeddyS[/re]: Tsk, tsk Mr. Cynical! Levi-the-Fn’-Redneck was just checking the map to confirm the location of the *buyer* of his pick-up, which he’s selling (with Trucknutz & a full tank, thank you) in order to buy Trig’s mama Bristol a Whore-diamond encrusted meth-pipe to commemorate Bastard Palin’s first Jesus H. Christmas….a triumph of Republican Family Values made possible only as long as teh kweers cain’t get hitched too….

  46. sanantonerose

    Do not, I repeat, do NOT piss off the olds.

    And why would that old coot still be givin interviews anyway? Fame whores. All of them.

  47. Bearbloke

    Remember – You heard it here FIRST!, Wonketteers: Levi-the-F’n-Redneck’s mom just got busted for… hmmm, gee… what could it be… what could it possibly be… oh yeah – SIX FELONY COUNTS “involving a controlled substance”…(“…generally manufacturing or delivering drugs…”). So, Merry Methmas, to one and all! [http://www.adn.com/news/alaska/crime/story/628010.html]

    While you’re in Beautiful Downtown Wasilla for the warily anticipated spawning of ‘Anti-Christ/Devil-Child’ Bastard Palin, and the soon-to-be indefinitely-postponed wedding of Mr. F’n-Redneck and Miss Teenage Snowbilly, please take a tour of the rich cultural atmosphere in town – you might want to start at the Permanent Gallery of the 2008 Ink Fest [http://www.adn.com/photos/v-gallery/story/619914.html]. Valet Moose parking in the rear!

  48. gliberal

    This just in: Campbell Brown was almost entirely a photoshop/reconstructive surgically altered avatar as depicted herein. Even a cursory investigation of CB images on the web reveals her true identity/appearance and it in no way resembles the ubiquitous goddess we saw here this week. Or as Marvin Gaye and Tammy Terrell would tell you, ain’t nothing like the real thing. Maybe she’s inflatable though.

  49. CumaeanSibyl

    [re=202822]Bearbloke[/re]: Oh, fabulous. That gets them the upgrade from “hick” to “white trash.”

  50. Toomush Infermashun

    I hope for the name Truck Nutz Bastard Palin…. and btw, dilhavarti… there are no gays in Alaska for the same reason there are no gays in prison – it’s a default position…but throw those baby shoes, anyway…

  51. gurukalehuru

    [re=202822]Bearbloke[/re]: I was skeptical when I first read your comment, because you know how people here tend to lie like bassett hounds on the front porch, but I was interested enough that I looked up the story.
    Holy Shit! Sherry L. Johnston, 42, Levi’s mom it says so right there in the headline, busted for having like humongous amounts of drugs.
    Will she be out in time for the wedding?

  52. finallyhappy

    Grandma Sherry was just trying to make some money to buy her new grandbaby some fine clothing. She doesn’t have the RNC to help her out.

  53. actor212

    Hm, no mention of the grandson-in-law, a k a Beelzebub, a k a the redneckmuthafuckawhoknockedmygranddaughterup…

  54. 102415

    [re=202930]HuskyMescan[/re]: Excellent over all! but I think the glinting stars should come from the teeth and red lasers should come from the eyes.

  55. bizzy

    “Shouldn’t there be a gay Palin?”

    1. why did everyone make a point of reporting that Track *and his high-school friend* had joined up at the same time, eh?

    2. why does Track not have a pregnant girlfriend to show off, eh? EH??

    QED. Also, he’s about the best looking of the batch, so QED times two.

  56. HuskyMescan

    [re=202969]102415[/re]: thanks! i couldn’t find a rotating meth lab spitting out babies. that would have been perfect for palin alerts.

  57. DeLand DeLakes

    [re=202683]Borat[/re]: That’s why I submitted the email “donkeydicks@gmail.com” (Sorry if somebody already has that- I guess the spam will be yours.

  58. DeLand DeLakes

    [re=202806]Aurelio[/re]: At least then we will all have bleached-blonde twink boyfriends to ride around with us on our desert bikes. You can see that this was the only part I remember from _The Road Warrior_.

  59. blackdontcrack

    “A Chat With Sarah Palin’s Pop”

    Pop? Pop-pop? Poppy? Can’t people call their grandparents by normal names?

  60. Hagar77

    [re=202704]tsunami[/re]: You rock. There are only 12 comments surviving on that article, and yours is one of them.

Comments are closed.