Wonkette
After the economy and capitalism completely died in September because one freaking company called “Lehman Bros.” was denied billions of dollars from the Federal Government, the liberal New York Times has been running a weekly-ish series called “The Reckoning” about the various Wall Street jackals — i-bankers, hedge fund managers, risk-rating companies — who pooled their talents together to somehow, magically, destroy the entire world with a mere HOUSING PROBLEM. All of the articles in this series are well reported and subtly vilifying. The best part about reading them, though, comes as you scroll down to the fifth or sixth paragraph and see an accompanying picture of some douchebag you’ve never heard of with a caption describing how this person ruined your life. We’ve compiled screenshots of these instances from many stories in “The Reckoning” series and blown them up, to heighten the embarrassment.
Ah, here’s some a-hole whose former company now has $150 billion of your taxpayer money. He is there with a Korean guy at the Palace of Money. Later, he diced up the Korean guy and repackaged him, somehow, into a series of mortgage-backed tranches that his friends invested in synthetically. This murder technique is called a “derivative.”
You may know this guy; the conservatives hate him because he’s black, and all Fannie Mae did when it “greatly expanded” was give mortgages to his lazy black friends. The puppetmaster behind all of this was Jimmy Carter, 30 years ago.
Here’s America’s “Maestro,” Alan Greenspan, preaching about computerized risk models to the poor Indians. Hint for future alien generations: If everyone in charge of money & power designates one old fart as “The Oracle” and lets him determine all global policy… he might develop some hubris!
Here’s an illegal immigrant who came from Mexico to fulfill the American Dream: ruining America.
Of course, our current problem sits here musing about whatever most recent decision was obviously a mistake. Did you know that he runs America now?
This Nazi went to buy American mortgages at an Irish Bank to get his own little “pot o’ gold” (SORRY HAD TO SAY IT) and ended up bankrupting Iceland somehow (maybe), which was what the Nazis wanted to do all along.
They’re gonna love him on the left there, Butterface, they’re going to roughen up that soft skin in prison all right. Same with the less-fat middle guy. None of these people will ever actually go to jail.
We’re confused by this caption, is his full name “Aggressive Supervision Thomas Maheras?” It would not surprise us if this obvious fraud legally changed his first and second names to “Aggressive Supervision.” Ha ha ha, Jesus. Whatever it means, the term “Aggressive Supervision” makes us want to drink poison.
Yeah, MIGHTA BEEN AN INTEGRITY PROBLEM when Moody’s — the risk rating agency that everyone bases everything on — went public and was under intense shareholder/management pressure to drive up revenue!
It’s Trig! No, it’s Dow Kim! He’s the topic of today’s piece about Merrill Lynch — specifically, why he ruined it! You wanna know? Read the caption. He could not possibly have gotten that bonus in 2006 if he had acted responsibly! WHY IS DOW KIM SO MISUNDERSTOOD?
The Reckoning [New York Times]
Our market has been listening to this guy:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0595399487?ie=UTF8&tag=newgeogrcom-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0595399487
I swear that this might be the most retarded thesis I have ever seen. WIN for him.
May we please, please bring back the public stocks? Or at least tarring and feathering. Some of these fat fucks would be really funny covered in hot tar and chicken feathers.
Naw, this is America. They’ll escape with the loss of maybe a vacation home while gasbag senators drone on about how UAW workers are destroying America with their health care.
You know all these guys were dweebs when they were younger, before they learned to steal boatloads of money and paid to hide their dweebishness.
Prison or not, they are all going to learn how to toss a salad. (I think Cisneros learned from Bill already)
Wow, I’m actually impressed the number of persyns of colour in this rogues gallery. This either means that:
(a) Dr. King’s dream that blacks and whites and Asians and Turks (who may qualify as Asians, or possibly whites) could work together to make some sweet bank for a few years and incidentally destroy civilization in the process has finally come true; or
(b) The terrible wizened old white men who run the world from their underground caves have selected every single non-white person working for these terrible companies to take the fall.
About every ten years Merrill Lynch gets caught perpetrating some sort of massive fraud on its customers, gets a slap on the wrist and continues doing business. I knew something was going to go horribly wrong with the economy when, under Bush, they weren’t caught again.
The Fannie Mae guy looks like Ron Brown. Do I smell a conspiracy here?
Josh Fruhlinger:
Trading Places was so fucking prescient.
“Looking good, Louis!”
“Feeling good, Billy Ray!”
I’ll be sure and shoot these assholes my disappointed look the next time I see them in wal-mart or wherever I seee them when i’m buying foil to cook pigeons over a trash fire under an overpass.
The only training the underlings of Countrywide ever received (because all of their execs get all their money) is how to SELL a loan.
Managing the loan? That’s left to Jesus’ discretion.
chascates: Maybe he’s more like the snazzy=dressing detective on Barney Miller. The one who wasn’t Jewish, Italian, Irish or Chinese. That guy.
What, no Bernie Madoff? Cmon, he made 50 billion, or 17 billion, or who’s counting anyway, disappear–poof. And now he has a pretty ankle bracelet and gets to push photographers on the streets of New York.
Not a hungry man between the lot of them. I never expected the sort of change I wanted (think Bolshevik Revolution wearing a Gorilla Suit), but I thought there might be a little less of the rubbing-my-nose-in-shit. I have indeed reached angry dog stage thanks to the abuse: Leg humping for the fine ladies and snarls and nips for the dickheads.
Jesus will pardon them for their sins on earth if Bush wont pardon them from the prison they deserve.
A new game: find financial crooks on the streets and push them around:
http://clusterstock.alleyinsider.com/2008/12/watch-a-photographer-shove-bernie-madoff
shortsshortsshorts: Eh…
That guy’s a douche, alright. But is he an ENLIGHTENED one? That’s when you know you’ve arrived.
http://www.amazon.com/Integral-Vision-Introduction-Revolutionary-Everything/dp/1590304756/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1229645657&sr=1-1
You are all overlooking Rosanne Barr in the 4th Pixx (the developer).
That woman has less brains than SnowBilly. No wonder the economy went stoopid. But the rest of them are men and therefore cannot be at fault.
Whites, blacks, hispanics, Koreans, Indians, Jews, Irish and Germans, oh my.
Oh my Jeebus, it’s a Benetton ad of fizkal Assholes!
InKnockYouUs: Well he did only lose $50 billion. You need to destroy multiple countries and lose trillions to get shoes thrown at you
Special Agent Jack Mehoff: You BUY foil? Shit man…we have to scavenge gum wrappers to get the foil roast our pigeons. Buying foil? Fucking toff.
Aggressive Supervision = a BDSM top.
http://democralypsenow.blogspot.com/2008/12/paulson-doesnt-expect-another-major.html
I’m waiting for these pics to show up on the Post Office Wall. And — lookee — there’s Henry Paulson. I wondered what had happened to him after Hogan’s Heroes was cancelled.
It’s like a 10 Most Wanted. Of course, no one will ever Google these guys when they are trying to get a job from one of their other rich friends who still runs a company. Plus, they leave their companies with millions of dollars (and are griping they won’t be getting bonuses this year…like that douchebag John Thain at Merrill/BoA). Good for the NYT. It remains the national “newspaper of record”.
Come on now–don’t be so mean to Alan Greenspan. I mean, when in history has a widely respected Oracle ever been shown to be a complete fraud?
Also, I vote we kidnap each of these people (it’s still the Bush administration last I checked–gotta use those extra-constitutional powers while we have ‘em) and place them on a remote island. Each will be given a weapon and will have to search the island for a gold-colored parachute. The one who survives and retains the “golden parachute” will then be allowed to use it to para-sail away from the island to safety. CNBC and Fox Business Channel can bid for the television rights (think of the ratings!).
I don’t know about you guys, but personally, I’d be willing to accept the various bailouts if this happens…
Neon Trotsky: terrific reference.
I’d party with these dudes. Truly. I’d party with all of them. And feed them Rohypnol and take them to the ATM and, like, make them withdraw everybody’s money and give it back. I’d be, like, Robin HUD or something. Truly. I would do that.
Remember Kenny Boy Lay of Enron and how the Bushies promised to make CEOs honest people again? Normally, I would be against taking a machine gun and shooting them down like mad dogs in the street and charging their estates a billion dollars per bullet. Also some good final candidates for Dick Cheney’s aggressive questioning procedures.
Did anybody else see that second-to-last picture and remember back to the hullabaloo over whether oil executives should have to swear an oath?
Really, why didn’t anybody stand up for these American Heroes (TM)?
So is that the fat chick that Henry the C was banging and secretly paying off? Or is that another one?
Jesus Tits. Paulson has some serious Samus Shoulder going on.
Liquidate all of their assets and sentence each and every one of them to 20000 hours of community service…rebuilding the lives they destroyed.
This isn’t a rogue gallery - just a picture of shitasses with money…goes to prove what we really knew all along but went with, anyway - no matter what big words you call it, money is just as stupid as the rest of us….. too early for cocktail hour… or do I actually have to get out of bed first….?
And by bed, I mean the trench in the curb with the WSJ (what a paper!) mattress….
by the way, bago - didn’t that used to be on the other side….? No? Walk this way….
Where this country made its mistake is not re-electing Reagan to a third term.
Yeah, public stocks and a diet of bread and hobobeans. And pigeons flambee en emballage de gomme.
Roo Myu Hun looks like the guy on SpikeTV’s <a href=”http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:TakesiKitano.jpg”Most Extreme Elimination Challenge.
shortsshortsshorts: Anyone who advocated the endless destruction of our fields and wetlands to build those monstrosities called ‘houses’ deserves to be trapped in side one and then shot into outerspace.
But left out the decider, Dubya Bush. He restarted the trickle down economy and had the SEC look the other way when Wall Street screwed us.
Correction:
But you left out the decider, Dubya Bush. He restarted the trickle down economy and had the SEC look the other way while Wall Street screwed us.
On the Obama Boy website I suggested that they pass a law that requires all executives above a certain level in any publicly traded company would basically have to have a license to be a practicing executive in a public company. It would require an exam to demonstrate basic business management knowledge as well as finance/business law - much like the law BAR exam.
The exam would not be the only licensing criteria as performance, ethical and legal criteria would be used to keep the license valid. Without a license, you would not be allowed to be an executive or board member of a publicly traded company.
This would be coupled with a law that would state the compensation for ANY job can only be done through a paycheck. No stock options, no deferred compensation, no fringe benefits not afforded to other employees. Payment of health care and the like would be a percentage basis and would be based on what is made available to all employees. If they want executives to own stock, the could cut a bonus check to said executive, taxed accodingly, and stipulate that they are to purchase stock with that money.
Lastly, the ratio of executive compensation to average pay would be a determining factor in minimum corporate taxes.
Simple fixes to limit cronyism and corruption at the top of corporations.
I’ve got a million of ‘em. Tip you waiters and waitresses.
I believe it was an early CNBC correspondent, Woody Guthrie, who looked at market conditions and wrote, “Some will rob you with a six-gun, others with a fountain pen.” But none of these Floyd’s seem to be pretty boys. Still, what they were doing goes on across the commodities markets all the time. Confucius say, “Hard to soar like an eagle after you’ve been eaten by a shark.”
This year, we’re all Nigerian businessmen.
AfghanVet: Brilliant. Could never happen because the rich fucks run the world–even when they’re on the way to the poor house–but brilliant, nonetheless.
Maybe they could just line these people up on a stage and let us throw our shoes at them? On that day, I am so investing in a pair of steel-toed boots.
you get your “gossip” from the new york times???????? i need information. i need bill’s donor list. i need lieberman’s recipe for BBQ’d gaza urchin strips. i need to know where bam-o buys his velvet crowbars. i need an invitation to bristol palin’s shotgun bridal shower. i need to know what rahmbo knew about patti blagojevich’s telephone-tapped, tip-top tit-for-tat toys-for-tots-and-toffs program, and when he knew it.
http://politiqs.tommyjonq.com
There’s no good whining now you should have read the small print in the Capitalist Contract. That’s the standard contract of Mephistopheles, Beelzebub and associates. Paragraph seven ” In case of a slump All goods and services, Chattels and what not shall revert to their rightful owner” . If you wish to take out a new contract you will require a new soul.