THE FUTURE  11:50 pm December 16, 2008

by Ken Layne

Things are gonna slide, slide in all directions ....NOBAMA, EVER: Did you know the (fake) Mumbai terror attacks will soon lead to a nuclear war and then Bush declares Martial Law and Obama can’t become president and then a rogue planet will come to kill us all? So sayeth the Internets. [Boing Boing]

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Hola wonkerados.

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jagorev December 17, 2008 at 12:02 am

It’s like the entire internet needs to take a chill pill.

I read some usually very erudite blogs about finance and econ, and even in such rarefied circles all the talk is about stockpiling ammo and canned goods for the coming APOCALYPSE.

Seriously, people, we’re not going through anything unprecedented, and this too shall pass. There is nothing new under the sun.

tallulah December 17, 2008 at 12:06 am

why, campbell? why????

donner_froh December 17, 2008 at 12:08 am

Every bit of it makes sense, particularly “our money and system of govt. starts to become worthless and begins to eat itself from the inside”

It will be worth suffering through the North American Union, the abrogation of the Constitution, even the earthquakes and tidal waves in order to see something eat itself from the inside.

Lascauxcaveman December 17, 2008 at 12:11 am

So sayeth the Internets.

Well, the internets have never failed me yet.

102415 December 17, 2008 at 12:13 am

Nothing tastes worse than canned spinach except canned peas.I’m stockpiling premium ice cream and cigarettes.

springfield_meltdown December 17, 2008 at 12:13 am

He totally stole the idea of the FEMA camps and FEMA taking over from the X-Files. On the other hand, it’s nice to see some late 90s paranoia being recycled.

Ken Layne December 17, 2008 at 12:17 am

[re=200668]jagorev[/re]: It wouldn’t be the Internet without nonstop doom. Plus, a ROGUE PLANET will be here soon, to kill you/us!

villageatrois December 17, 2008 at 12:19 am

Just as a mental exercise, ask yourself: can this civilization/economy/society survive? If not, read the internets. Why does FEMA need the capacity to store 20 million people in 800 camps?

jagorev December 17, 2008 at 12:21 am

Question for the oldsters – was the y2k doomfest as bad as this? I mean, arguably, yeah, this is more justified, but still, how does this compare to the last time we were preparing for the end of the world?

I don’t remember much about the y2k stuff, because I was probably too busy chatting with with my GF on ICQ at the time (it was like the Facebook of its day, you whippersnappers!)

Voyou Charmant December 17, 2008 at 12:23 am

“the ones that survive will have to find a whole new path to planetary repopulation.”

I can’t wait for this part.

Voyou Charmant December 17, 2008 at 12:25 am

[re=200673]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Being that I only apply this to weird sexual things I try to get my girlfriend to try, it has failed me always and forever.

Darehead December 17, 2008 at 12:30 am

The ever-shrinking Wonkette will soon be engulfed into the gaping vaginal maw of Campbell Brown.

BigLar December 17, 2008 at 12:40 am

I, for one, will welcome our new overlord, Campbell Brown!

102415 December 17, 2008 at 12:41 am

[re=200680]jagorev[/re]: Ha ha! y2k was hilarious esp. up in Idaho where they were selling y2k kits for thousands of dollars to protect you from the coming breakdown of the whole world economy because maybe your electric blanket wasn’t going to work properly and they paid for massive community meetings with y2k consultants who told perfectly intelligent people who hardly had electricity more than a few years in their communities that all life on the planet would come to a halt except for those who had piled up canned goods and guns and bullets and of course water, batteries and gold. It was a huge money maker for con artists of all kinds. All I remember when the fateful day came was a lot of champagne.Still, a windup flash light and some cash is not a bad idea along with some bottled water and a inflatable kayak to get you across the Hudson when Indian Point blows.

jagorev December 17, 2008 at 12:44 am

[re=200682]Voyou Charmant[/re]: I’m thinking “whole new path” == “back door entry”

102415 December 17, 2008 at 12:45 am

It would be fun if Campbell’s expression changed when the comments box did the wipe over her face. Or at least the dress changed color or her clothes came off and on.

shortsshortsshorts December 17, 2008 at 12:45 am

The internets also tells me to download sweet Campbell Brown nudie-like pics.

jagorev December 17, 2008 at 12:52 am

[re=200687]102415[/re]: well, I never leave home without a) a leatherman; b) a serrated pocket knife; c) a lighter; d) an LED flashlight; e) a can of mace; and f) a cell phone that also has a radio built in.

This might serve me well next time NYC’s infrastructure suffers a terrorist attack or massive failure, but I’m not a survivalist, mind you. Stuff just tends to accumulate in the recesses of my messenger bag, which I take with my wherever I go. Also, I always have some first aid, in the form of Alka Seltzer tablets, which in my experience cure every ailment known to man.

If shit were to actually go down, I suspect I might try to mace the terrorists before they killed me to death with their guns.

SayItWithWookies December 17, 2008 at 12:55 am

No matter how bleak the future looks, there’s always a bright side:

villageatrois December 17, 2008 at 1:05 am

Y2k was a phenomenon of computer code. As a Mac owner, it didn’t bother me. As a business manager, it cost real money to fix in advance, as everyone else did. Mister Softee made some bucks.

Y2k was nothing like this world-wide deflationary depression. Code monkeys can’t help with this, even if we give them vegetable seeds.

Lascauxcaveman December 17, 2008 at 1:14 am

[re=200677]Ken Layne[/re]: If I get personally assimilated by 7 of 9, I’m down with that.

[/Star Trek Nerd]

hrhkingfriday December 17, 2008 at 1:17 am

[re=200698]villageatrois[/re]: Nice. Honestly, who cares about some Rogue Planet if noone has a job, thus noone is getting laid and buying bling.

OffTheRecord December 17, 2008 at 1:21 am

[re=200680]jagorev[/re]: Oh wow. I wonder what happened to ICQ? It was very scandalous back in my day. And also I’m pretty sure the reason I went to state school. Because who has time to fill out college applications when you can be having vaguely dirty convos with your boyfriend on ICQ.

102415 December 17, 2008 at 1:28 am

[re=200695]jagorev[/re]:Anyone with a leatherman and a lighter will do just fine in the new economy.

shortsshortsshorts December 17, 2008 at 1:34 am

Because I KNOW you other people aren’t actually reading the comment unless you are some kind of Iraqi War Machine, here it it.

“india and pakistan will go to war ( due to the false flag operation in mumbai), thereby causing the bush admin to declare martial law, keeping obama from being sworn in as president. the u.s. will join india in the fight, china will join with pakistan. this war will turn nuclear. internal opposition to bushes martial law will create a radical, u.s. insurrection which will cause many of our citizens to be arrested and placed indefinitely into fema camps. documents will slip out proving that the u.s. govt was responsible for the attacks of 9-11, just as they were responsible for the ‘gulf of tonkin incident’, and the ‘sinking of the Maine’. as our money and system of govt. starts to become worthless and begins to eat itself from the inside, the N.A.U. will be created by the partnering up of the mexican, canadian and u.s. govts. thereby making the u.s. constitution null and void. around 2010 a new star will appear in the southern sky. it will appear brighter and brighter with each passing year. at first we will be told that it is nothing to worry about. around 2012 this new “star’ will be revealed as the planet nibiru making its annual 3060 year return to the inner solar system, it’s massive gravity causing tsunami, earthquakes and massive volcanic eruptions which will literally change the face of the earth. the ones that survive will have to find a whole new path to planetary repopulation. enjoy!”

It really doesn’t get any better than that, unless you are a Paultard with special War Craft abilities or something.

Lascauxcaveman December 17, 2008 at 1:43 am

[re=200705]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: I can’t remember; what’s the name of that medication you’re forgetting to take again?

102415 December 17, 2008 at 1:44 am


mattbolt December 17, 2008 at 1:50 am

I feel bad for those poor souls growing up in the pre-internet age, so sheltered from the world’s insanity and insecurity, the days where you’d have to poke at a crackpot trying to sleep in a bus shelter at 3 AM if you wanted to hear a tighly-crafted tinfoil tale of this caliber. Nowadays, the insanity of every raving, pill-fried lunatic can be documented, instantly and for all eternity, worldwide.

Our glorious high-tech modern age combines the Jetsons and the Mansons.

trondant December 17, 2008 at 1:51 am

[re=200680]jagorev[/re]: You’re twelve, aren’t you?

shortsshortsshorts December 17, 2008 at 1:58 am

[re=200706]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Crack.

rocktonsammy December 17, 2008 at 3:36 am

I hope CB gets to stay and repopulate the earth.

contentsunderpressure December 17, 2008 at 4:53 am

[re=200680]jagorev[/re]: I made a ton of money wandering from factory to factory sticking “Y2K Compliant” stickers on chips whose model numbers matched a list I had, a paper list. Ah, man made disasters, just can’t beat a good man made disaster. Lemons and lemonade and all that.

bago December 17, 2008 at 5:19 am

So, in other words, the tits or gtfo rules apply?

zetetic December 17, 2008 at 6:07 am

[re=200708]mattbolt[/re]: win

Oh and it’s not a Rogue Planet — it’s a Maverick Planet.

Servo December 17, 2008 at 7:20 am

When will Campbell unhook her jaw and swallow a live gerbil?

TGY December 17, 2008 at 7:23 am

Oh, if only this were so.

Carrie_Okie December 17, 2008 at 7:59 am

Black planet, black world… Uk goth band the Sisters of Mercy had it all figured and knew Hopey was going to save us from the planet Palin.

OfTheTheatricalPersuasian December 17, 2008 at 8:19 am

Hahah, it’s all in the ZetaTalk! Our favorite Planet X commissary, Nancy Lieder, has been informed by the alien race that Nibiru will swing by and destroy the planet in 2012:

BigBrainOnBrad December 17, 2008 at 8:23 am
EarBucket December 17, 2008 at 8:29 am

We might want to listen. Sounds like John Titor to me.

kapish December 17, 2008 at 8:30 am

Philip K. Dick wrenches teh paper from his typewriter in a fit of despondent speed come-down and teh
internets disappear. The end.

PJ December 17, 2008 at 8:32 am

Y2K was less exciting in Minneapolis than it apparently was in Idaho.

The only thing we were really interested in was whether elevators would stop running.

For a couple/ few years before 2000, IT jobs in banking and electric utilities–power plants–were plentiful, because businesses figured, heck, if I have to make these small changes to my systems, I might as well install a HUGE NEW SYSTEM.

Y2K put my daughter through college. Good times.

Cape Clod December 17, 2008 at 8:35 am

[re=200677]Ken Layne[/re]: So should we all start building that space ship that will allow us to settle on the rogue planet? The one that will only be able to transport 1/10 of the people building it?

Canuckledragger December 17, 2008 at 8:37 am

So, L. Wrong Hubbub was right after all? My most effusive apologies to Tom Cruise. Though I still want to punch him in the cock, assuming I can bend down that low.

V572625694 December 17, 2008 at 8:46 am

[re=200677]Ken Layne[/re]: Greetings from Planet nibiru, earthoids and humanlings! We’re sorry our immense gravitational field will cause tsunamis and earthquakes on your pitiful asteroid, but sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do. And honestly, we’ll do anything to stop you from beaming those images of Campbell Brown, weeknights at 8pm ET.

Terry December 17, 2008 at 8:54 am

“well, I never leave home without a) a leatherman; b) a serrated pocket knife; c) a lighter; d) an LED flashlight; e) a can of mace; and f) a cell phone that also has a radio built in.”

So, they love you at the airport, huh?

stopmebeforeitypeagain December 17, 2008 at 9:29 am

[re=200710]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Nope. Viagra.

TJBeck December 17, 2008 at 9:30 am

Wow, I’ve been looking at NiRuBu stuff –

Here’s the caption to a youtube video – this is some serious crazy.

April 06, 2008
Following an intensive a 7-week study we have upgraded our assessment of NibiruShock2012′s first two videos from “compelling” to “highly credible.” This video documents the events leading up to this change in chronological order.

What prompts us to make this claim is the massive, highly successful government disinformation campaign waged against these two important disclosure videos by NibiruShock2012.

We further believe that NibiruShock2012′s latest video is a sophisticated disinformation ploy that has been presented as a hoax in order to quell any further public discussion. These specific findings are detailed in the reports by Janice Manning and Jacco van der Worp, MSc.

plowman December 17, 2008 at 9:39 am

Hmmm, so is this a shrill lefty Demomoonbat net-rumor or a snarling neo-nazi Republifascist net-rumor? Regardless, I’m stocking up on beer, ammo and porn, I’d advise everyone to do the same…


loquaciousmusic December 17, 2008 at 9:42 am

[re=200705]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Shit, Maine sunk? There goes my elitist liberal arts college thingy.

qwerty42 December 17, 2008 at 9:44 am

another of the predictions:
” …Also, an epic Heroes-like television series about loss, redemption and irreconcilable inner struggle based around LOLcats.”
Perhaps some are not taking this as seriously as they should?

WadISay December 17, 2008 at 9:54 am

Stuff like this had a lot more gravitas when it was done ink-on-paper, printed to the edges of the page, front and back, in multiple fonts and boldfaces, mostly all caps.

Fear of a Black Reagan December 17, 2008 at 9:54 am

I give it about a 8 on a scale of 10…kinda started losing me with 3/4 of a paragraph done and not mention of the Mossad yet (*cough* Campbell Brown *cough* *cough*) but then he pulled out that SWERVE of planet Nibiru and so forth and I started doing that slow clap like in high school movies and then got up and starting screaming out of gut-wrenching Nibiru-fear.

Pretty good job, boingboinb nuts!

MathewBrooks December 17, 2008 at 9:58 am

ok fuck you wonkette for sucking me into reading this insanity. i have spent my entire morning reading that boing boing post and im not even a third through it. its like watching a thousand train wrecks. i cant turn away.

PJ December 17, 2008 at 10:33 am

Hi John: I’m working on my next book, Crossing the Cusp. I’m planning to release it in the fall. It will address what I believe will be the largest single die back event and how to get´╗┐ through it. You’re got a great start. Keep going. The answers will not make you survivor. The process of finding them will, because it will hard wire your brain for survival.-Marshall

Please try to sell this guy some ad space on Wonkette. We need to divert some of this crazy money our way.

Gopherit December 17, 2008 at 10:34 am

It’s nice to see Tom Clancy getting back to writing again.

Godot December 17, 2008 at 11:00 am
CARCUNTZ!(tm)-R-Us December 17, 2008 at 12:05 pm

“…the ones that survive will have to find a whole new path to planetary repopulation. enjoy!”

See? Here’s the silver lining. After Nibiru goes away we will get to have a whole bunch of legitimate secksy time!! Armageddon, Smarmageddon!

aflurry December 17, 2008 at 12:47 pm

[re=200689]jagorev[/re]: Well then there’s really no hope for re-population at all is there?

So long Humanity, and thanks for all the buttseks.

aflurry December 17, 2008 at 12:59 pm

[re=200739]PJ[/re]: having sex is a stalled elevator at midnight on y2k would be pretty cool.

highway234 December 17, 2008 at 1:12 pm

well, at least SOMEone knows what’s going on.

d4g33z December 17, 2008 at 2:03 pm

Ken, no! How did you ever get to comment #107 ? Please tell you didn’t actually read that far…

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