Wonkette
By the Comics Curmudgeon
Let’s just get it out there: Rod “Blago” Blagojevich has awesome hair. Sure, it may be a sign of some crippling psychological disorder, but it’s a symbol of Rod “The Blag Man” Blagojevich’s virility and stature, and we all have to respect it. Rod “Blagger Of The Year” Blagojevich dreamed of bringing his hair onto the national stage someday so that all of America could enjoy it. And that fond wish of his has now been fulfilled, though he probably had hopes that it would appear on front pages across America in photographs, not courtroom drawings.
Today, we salute the great boon that Rod “Prisoner of Blagistan” Blagojevich’s hair has brought to our cartooning classes. Like our Lord God Himself, Rod “He Has A Funny Ethnic Name, You See” Blagojevich’s hair has many different aspects, and can be many things to many people. In this week’s Cartoon Violence, we examine a number of cartoons, and see which of the many hilarious characteristics of the gov’s coif each focuses on.
Click on the cartoons to make them SO MUCH LARGER.
Important hair characteristic: Partedness.
Here’s an important thing about Rod “Henceforth In This Columns To Be Referred To By His Proper Illinois Abbreviation ‘Blago’” Blagojevich’s hair: It is not some inky black undifferentiated mass sitting atop his head. No, it has a part in it. A very distinct part. This part was first established by extensive blasting and tunneling work, and is maintained by a team of wranglers with three hours of work every morning. As you can see in this depiction, that effort definitely has its rewards, as Blago’s hair is neatly sectioned off into two asymmetrical lobes.
Important hair characteristic: Bigness.
Blago always wanted to be a “big man.” And what is one way to increase the volume one occupies with almost no effort? Why, by never cutting one’s hair, but rather letting it grow into a larger and larger mass, until, as you can see here, its own gravitational pull causes it to collapse into a vaguely spherical shape, perched atop your head. Blago’s hair enrages Santa because the so-called jolly old elf’s own hairstyle choices are limited, due to the hat.
Important hair characteristic: Fuzziness.
One thing to keep in mind about Blago is that even though he has ascended to the almost God-like height of governor of a decaying Rust Belt state, he is still an ordinary human like you and me. He still puts his pants on one leg at a time, and he still requires a six-figure no-show job for his wife, so he can continue to afford pants made out of solid gold for him to put on one leg at a time. Thus, his hair is not some perfect Platonic ideal that can be described by a clean and elegant mathematical formula as a curved and unbroken surface wrapped around his head; rather, there are numerous tiny hairs frizzing out from the top of his ‘do, each one a reminder of his essential, flawed humanity (that and the corruption).
Important hair characteristic: Resemblance to the hairdo worn by beloved 1960s Dr. Who star Patrick Troughton.
Ooops! This appears to actually be a drawing of beloved 1960s Dr. Who star Patrick Troughton, repurposed for a Blago cartoon, for some reason. We apologize for the inconvenience.
Important hair characteristic: Imperviousness.
You must always remember that Blago is a working-class man of the people. You fancy types, all you need is a hairdo that can survive cocktail parties and meetings where you stack up huge piles of gold coins and count them while giggling foppishly. But our Blago needs to take his hair out and engage in the sort of activities that ordinary Chicagoans enjoy — like, for instance, going down to the old watering hole and frolicking in an enormous pool of feces. Throughout it all, his hair must remain unmussed — and that’s the sort of endurance that it displays in this cartoon.
Important hair characteristic: Gelatinous unity.
As already noted, Blago’s hair is massive enough to generate a gravitational field detectable at a macrospatial level. But what are the larger cosmological implications of this? After his hair has assumed a spherical shape, the individual fibers will begin to break down, the hair molecules intermingling into a single semi-solid body kept in place only by its mutual attraction, resulting a huge, planetoid wobbling (see the motion lines!) at the crown of good governor’s skull! In the next logical step, the hair will begin attracting extraneous matter into its gravity well, eventually creating a Hair Black Hole that will destroy us all. We must isolate him in a gravity-free containment cell before it is too late!
OK, this one isn’t about Blago’s hair at all (and deserves some kind of Medal of Restraint for that decision). And sure, it’s all fun and games to depict the sinister governor in handcuffs, but we need to ask: Did so much attention really need to be spent on the way his pants bunch up around his ass? With that, I wish you a happy weekend of thinking about Blago’s buttocks!
Seriously, why not just title this post: lots of goatsee pictures for your perousal.
Fruhlinger, you are cruel. Bunchy Buttocks indeed.
Let’s hope the carpet doesn’t match the drapes.
SayItWithWookies:
You suck. Why did you put such a thought into my head. My mind’s eye is now blind.
I’m always suprised at glenn mccoy’s ability get me to think he’s an asshole from his art style alone.
I can’t help looking at that sexy cartoon of Campbell Brown at the top of Wonkette.
Blago’s hair will consume the universe.
In these vulnerable economic times, we, at least, can rest assured that Aqua-Net sales will continue to soar
Until sentencing, that is.
It reminds me of that Simpson’s were Homer gets a possessed wig that controls him
Serolf Divad: Yeah, even I felt kinda dirty about that — but that’s how I knew I had to post it. Sorry about the collateral damage, though.
On looks alone, you must note those gentle souls with “Republican hair.” Trent Lott and Kay Baily Hutchinson attend that school. And there is something strangely creamy about Miss McConnell’s complexion — but how do you include facial hairlessness in a cartoon?
Rush: I’m with you there: Campbell Brown — No bias. No bull. No bra?
I enjoy the Mike Lukovich(sp?) one where ROD BLAGOJEVICH actually has the chair with the “for sale” sign on it. Get it? Obama’s senate seat? He’s selling the actual seat?
Itz the funniez.
gurukalehuru: Obama’s first Presidential Daily Briefing:
“Blagojevich’s Hair Determined to Strike in U.S.”
gurukalehuru:
It’s a dark matter collector.
Man, what’s with all the ’90s flashbacks, crime-wise? First OJ goes on trial, then Lyle Menendez becomes governor of Illinois.
cal: That’s how Blaggy is going to get off with a misdemeanor conviction: “Judge, I was talking about selling a used piece of office furniture fer christssakes!”
I heard a rumour there was a man underneath the toupee somewhere.
Lazy Media:
It’ll be vulgarities in lieu of crying on the stand.
There are many character distinctions in the hair. This is because the head it sits on lacks all character, whatsoever.
Serolf Divad: I KNOW THE SECRET BEHIND YOUR NAME. But I shall not tell these other cretins.
The wit and wisdom of Glen McCoy always keeps me in stitches. He’s so droll
Don’t know why, but now every time I see Blaggy’s hairwad, the word “merkin” echoes through my tortured mind. Not a nice place to be. I just hope he becomes yesterday’s news by, say, tomorrow.
Charles Bronson?
themcw: Do you know when you say that, I immediately envision jowls? For reals.
shortsshortsshorts: He who liveth by teh Wonkette thecrethy shall never die, but live forever in oneneth with teh humorouth perthpicathity. k, thankth.
Oh, Blago, you lunkhead!
http://theblobsite.filmbuffonline.com/BlobFacts/images/Creepshow1.jpg
shortsshortsshorts:
Reveal the secret behind my name and I shall no longer be able to protect the Earth from future Supervillains. That would be sad.
Jollity: No, you’re thinking of Cousin Itt.
The hair in #2 is all wrong. A pompadour?!
Serolf Divad: Your secret is safe with shorts, because you know, you don’t just give this kinda thing away. This is a fucking big deal. I want something in this. The people of Illinois want something for this. I’m not just fucking giving it away.
Servo: Obama fucking raped me, ::sobs:: the motherfucker.
I don’t care what anyone says, he’s Bobby Goldsboro, dammit!
Yeah! Wonkette and The Mighty Trout: Together At Last!
That’s not Patrick Troughton in #4, it’s beloved alpha-Stooge Moe Howard.
He’s all hair and fingers…
http://www.anorak.co.uk/politicians/197719.html
Bunchy buttocks? As my dear departed Daddy would say, “Yep, he’s working button holes in the seat.”
Kudos for Doctor Who, Curmudgeon!
Maybe we could just nominate Blaggy’s hair for the senate seat…
No, the hair couldn’t hold the senate seat. The corruption would go through the roof. As I say, it’s the brains behind this whole operation.
Serolf Divad: If it DOES, would that make him the most popular guy in prison, or does big Bubba prefer to pay his cigs for a brazillian shaved ‘bitch’
The Doctor Who dildo is creeping me out. Are those chimes hanging off the base, or does the good doctor just enjoy oblong fake testes?
Truculent: For some reason I assume McCoy looks like Bruce Tindall’s mug shot. Guess I’m expecting the ugliness on the outside to match the ugliness on the inside… (is that the pathetic fallacy?)
sanantonerose: David Horsey — Seattle’s Pulitzer-winning master of asswrinkles. (Rumor has it he started out with Reagan’s face and worked up from there.)
Hello, webmaster of http://blog.arbune.com here… I was just wondering, is your wordpress theme an original creation? If so, you’d better take care of that body width, better make it fluent rather than static. Nice post, by the way.