Wonkette
Why is it that Republican men who conduct their gay sex antics in public bathrooms cannot resist loudly and repeatedly proclaiming their innocence and heterosexuality in an escalating series of legal forums, all of which end up with judges and such saying “Nah dude, still gay”? It is one of life’s great mysteries, along with the human spleen and the “dewclaw.”
“Twenty Dollar” Bob Allen participated in another installment of ritual humiliation when he again appealed his conviction for offering an undercover cop $20 if he, the cop, would let him, the former Florida Republican state representative Bob Allen, blow him (the cop). Here is a brief recap of his activities since then:
- He was sentenced to six months’ probation in November 2007.
- He appealed the case in July 2008 and a panel of Brevard County Circuit Court Judges said “Nah dude, still gay.”
- He motioned to rehear the case, and that motion was denied.
- Then the 5th District Court of Appeals denied his appeal.
It remains to be seen if Allen will take his case to the Florida Supreme Court, so that they too can tell him, Please stop this shameful circus and just perform blow jobs in your own home, you nut.
Court denies Bob Allen’s appeal on sex conviction [Florida Today]
I’m betting he runs this right up to the SCOTUS, because, you know, they’re all about fixing blow jobs in Florida…
not that there’s anything wrong with that…
$20 for a blow job!? What a cheap ass. I know we’re in the next great Depression & what not, but blow jobs should not be received for less than dinner & a movie (& not a matinee!). Dumb bastard….
Well, did he offer to suck the judges’ cocks? And pay them for it? You know, to not become a statistic?
…shit, in this economy that 20 bucks doesn’t sound so bad!
Maybe he offered the cop $20 for some blow, for him, so they could do blow, in the head. Blowing off steam. Together.
Then everything after that was just a misunderstanding.
$20, but after Viagra, it’s adusted for inflation.
Happy Dickcember!
Texan Bulldoggette: …you drive a hard bargain, but you got yourself a deal! Only if you swallow though!
I don’t get it - he looks so innocent.
I know the answer! All repugs are liars. Liars have to good at denial. Therefore repugs are queens of denial. It’s logical. Natch. Any other mysteries, let me know.
cal: Off topic, but every time I see your avatar, I think it’s Larry David.
Texan Bulldoggette: So the movie is $20 for two tickets. How much would an acceptable dinner for two cost? Are we talking fine upscale dining, or would the Sizzler suffice? Just trying to nail down the current economics of fellatio? (And figure out the clearing level for my next date.)
Reminds me of the Steve Martin as the “Love God”: “Bring me a pig on a stick and fry it up good. And bring the lady something for a dollar and a half.”
I wouldn’t let that troll blow me for a penny less than $25.
More embarrassing than being a closeted homosexual is that he failed to find a dick to suck in a Florida public restroom.
Besides gay blowjobs, Bob Allen also enjoys water sports- as mentioned on his Florida House Bio Page.
He was paying someone…to blow them? Not to be blown, but to blow someone? Am I missing something here? I recall seeing such a scene in Gus Van Sant’s “My Own Private Idaho” but I thought that was just Hollyweirdness. This really happens?
Any publicity is good publicity, right?
I think secretly Bob’s just pissed off he only got probation. If he went to teh jail for six months, he’d get all the dick he could suck for free.
In our Western Democracies, elected officials represent cross-sections of the population and it seems fair that nutcases should also have their spokespersons. I would argue in favor of Mr. Allen’s reinstatement, as it would enfranchise the Florida cocksuckers, Americans who are currently the victims of discrimination.
WendyK: With a business model like that, he’ll probably qualify for a Federal bailout.
WendyK: Yep. Adrien Brody’s character in Summer of Sam pretty much summed it up. I would have been making myself a whole lot of money, for years, but apparently I’m not gay enough. Sigh. Just girls for me (so old fashioned).
What is it about Republican men and lingering in public restrooms? I generally try to spend as little time as possible in a public toilet.
AngryBlakGuy: Teeth in or out??
hedgehog: Well, there’s lots of variables, but I would not recommend the Sizzler or anywhere with sneeze guards over the food. It also depends on tons of superficial things like what you look like, drive, where you work, live. But the biggest factor may be how much booze she imbibes. So bottoms up, right?
Dammit, I followed the link for “dewclaw”, and from there I followed the links to read about aging dogs and taking care of senior dogs and the preparing for the end of senior dog’s life, and I got all sad and weepy thinking about my 15 year old lab at home, dang. What were we talking about? Yeah! Republicans and their twisted gay shenanigans! yeehaa!
hedgehog: Win.
magic titty:
That’s even GAYER.
Hey now. I have a dewclaw.
Mr. Mephistopheles: Duh. Water sports is teh ghey-code. *winkitty wink wink*
I bet Bob was slightly disappointed when he learned what “probation” really entails.
Heywood Floyd: Wait, would you finish off the blow with some blow? Or do the blow first, and then blow? Wait…
Bob, I hate to break it to you, but the only way to get this “sucka” off your record is to challenge the cop and say you offered the dude a rimjob, not a blowjob, and that it would take about “20″— minutes that is. Then you get several of your close male buddies — or guys you bought at a bar — to say you’d done them several times on just those terms. It’s a little yucky, but your political career is already just another skidmark in the shorts of Florida politics.
Dude, you’re a state senator, have some respect. Instead of offering to blow the state supreme court’s judges, take the felony and blow Charlie Crist for a governor’s pardon.
PS the current tags-at-the-top thing:
* GEORGE W. BUSH
* CHRIS MATTHEWS
* BARACK OBAMA
* POOP
and that’s why I love this site.
WendyK: Oh if I had a nickel for everytime this happens to me. I’ll be walking along, minding my own business when somebody will come up and offer me $20 to blow me. I will say that it seems to me that there is a lot more fellatio happening today than when I was a kid of 20. And I am not convinced that this is a bad thing.
tiny mexican: Which one of these is not like the other? I took out Hopey, the rest seems to fit…
It’s illegal to “induce prostitution” in Florida, but it’s A-OK for a lawmaker to prostitute him/herself regularly in order to fill the campaign coffers?
I’ve got a lot more respect for petty knob-gobblers, lemme tell ya’.
Wendy K: apparently, this business theory model has been sufficient for the House Economics Committe….
I for one will be gravely disappointed if this case does not find itself rejected all the way to the highest court in the land. Give Clarence Thomas a chance to opine on his true field of expertise. (Dude, you are gayer than a Sierra Mist can) What better use of our nation’s tax supported court system?
Another Republican politician stricken with Larry Craig syndrome, and where else but in the sex scandal capital of the nation, Florida?
http://democralypsenow.blogspot.com/2008/10/congressman-sex-scandals-and-florida-oh.html
http://democralypsenow.blogspot.com/
Why don’t these guys just follow Matt Drudge around?
More wonderful news for the county I rest my head. I wonder if old Bobby will take some time to give the Republican Kids book writing chubby a blowie. Wow..my Bree-Vard couty rocks. I need scotch.
I wonder what legal stance will have wide appeal for the supremes - I’m guessing none….
chascates: Because they want to be the blower, not the blowee.
Pat Boone and the Sexual Jihadists.
Gorillionaire: In this context, “dewclaw” sounds like a dirty sex act.
In fact, I think we should make it the official Wonkette dirty sex act.
Now to define what it is exactly…
WendyK: Don’t be so startled. Bob’s actions were in furtherance of the Republican consumer economy.
Too bad that he had unsophisticated judge.
C’mon Bob! Take it like a man.
The spleen does stuff. I think you’re thinking of the appendix. See: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spleen
I get sad and weepy thinking about dewclaws, and the three hundred fucking dollars my goddamn dachshund cost me, too.
The Cold Sea:
“I would argue in favor of Mr. Allen’s reinstatement, as it would enfranchise the Florida cocksuckers, …
I think that might over-enfranchise the state of Florida, being how this guy seems to speak for all idiots.
chascates: cuz Drudge already has Mark Halperin on his nuts 24/7.
WendyK: I know how you feel. When I first first heard this I was confused. I said, “How can this can possible be?” As I progressed through the stages I felt rage at all those women by rights owe me a $20. Finally I have grown accepting that other men might make a living at getting BJs, but I will not.
Life can be cruel.
You would think that some big right wing group or think tank like Heritage or the NRA would come to Allen’s defense. How can any of us consider ourselves free if we can’t offer $20 and a blow job when we are threaten by a stocky black man in a restroom. Might as well live in the Soviet Union.
Sadly, somewhere in Florida, there is a police man that cries himself to sleep every night because he had to arrest Bob Allen before seeing if he could indeed give a $20 blow job.
There is something of beauty in the air. Liquid love is dispersing through the cosmos. Chowder is flying through the Republican platform, creating new life. There is new hope for the Republican party. It is almost like a song, spewing into the faces of many, creating a vernacular for life-giving justice. It may seem crude in the minds of some, but there are two parts to every seed of existence. There is a flowing white-hope lingering out there for those who seek it. You just have to spit, or swallow. That is the future of the party. Will you accept this $20 to make it happen for me?
Twenty bucks is not much of a blowjob. I mean, what can you expect from this poultry sum? And not even the courtesy of a reach around.
shortsshortsshorts: Waiter, I’ll have one of what Shortshortshorts is drinking!
One of the few drawbacks of the holiday season is this robotic parade of cuddly, emotionally manipulative, cutesy “human interest” stories; it’s as if “It’s a Wonderful Life” has met “Groundhog Day.” Besides, this kind of Frank Capra stuff went out with Dickens —- Little Jimmy Dickens, who sang “May the Bird of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose.”
Those courts hate gay people, unicorns, and rainbows.
It’s kinda like me, except this guy needed to go out for some sorta blowjob. For me, it’s cigarettes. I can go weeks without a cigarette, but when I want one, I want one. If there isn’t one in the house, I’m driving off to the quicky mart, regardless of the hour, though hoping against hope I won’t run into anyone I know, because smoking is as sordid as seeking butsecs in this neck of the woods.
That cop should have got while the getting was good. With the collapse in the financial sector sending everything to rack and ruin, it’s unlikely he’d be approached in today’s market with an offer any higher than twelve bucks. I’ll bet that sweet, sweet $20 looks mighty tasty in hindsight.
A guy does his part to stimulate the economy, and what does he get? Sheesh.
shorts: Well, Sarah Palin IS maneuvering to be the face of the party…
JuiceMe: Indeed, and the irony of it is that court cases are decided by a series of blowjobs.
It really should go to the SCOTUS, as “scotus” sounds like something Bob would pay good money to lick. Where is the scotus, anyway- somewhere near the taint?
Better yet, suck onto GWB forever team, his legacy and all, hell, just suck George W Bush’s dick, he is free to return the favor. After all, maintenance of the Bush foundation, “We were and are all COCKSUCKERS, even the men, but especially George W. ,cause he has sweet lips”. Take this to your morning briefing, you are one stupid cocksucker. Your only pleasure will be some bitch too stupid to recognize your past.
WoundedVeteran: I don’t think the bailout includes sucking the member of washed-up fail Presidents. However, we can all rejoice around Barry’s Hope-Dick.
I bet Charlie Crist would love to give Bob Allen a stimulus package
shortsshortsshorts: Legend has it that It tastes like rainbow sherbet.
gliberal: A gobbler, of course.
Kiling an Arab is based on Albert Camus “the Stranger” and it rocks.
— short’s infiltrating girlfriend person
— she will accept me, I swear.
This is like progtessive deatn radio. You adversary folks should solve your big sack of shit soon you shit fucks.
How much would Bob Allen pay Clarence Thomas to put a pubic hair on his Coke®?
I’m guessing at least $5.39.
gliberal: Poultry sum or not, he’s PAYING the twenty beaks and not asking for it, so the sum is nothing to squawk at. Hell, if I weren’t so chicken about running a fowl of the law, I’d duck into the stall and give the old cock something to crow about.
It’s 6:46 on your liberal elitist east coast and I am still sorting through dick jokes in the previous thread. Fucking nocturnal west coasters.
foog: WIN for cheep puns!
Bob Allen could be sucking off men and not be gay. You’re only gay if you suck off men and enjoy it. Allen was doing it for money, so he could possibly plead that while he was indeed sucking off men at twenty bucks a pop, he really did need the money, so he’s not gay. Then the judge could declare Allen to be legally a non-gay cocksucker, and his reputation is saved, clearing the path for him to run for president, riding a wave of uniquely-earned small contributions.
“Bob Allen for president: He sucks, but he’s not gay!” The campaign slogans sort of write themselves; it’s miraculous.
Larry McAwful: (Ah dude, Allen was sucking them off an paying the $20, which is pretty gay. Just saying.)
XOMuffintop: We do pick some winners, don’t we? At least the rest of Bre-tard didn’t elect Allen’s poor deluded wife Beth as elections supervisor.
WendyK: I was wondering about that too. It must be a guy thing. I bet you’d have to look long and hard..or not…to find a woman who would pay a man $20 to blow him. Although it may be a fixture in male fantasies.
foog: Really, you shouldn’t ruffle his feathers like that, you turkey. I’m sure Allen is trying to scratch out a new political existence and maybe we shouldn’t egg the naysayers on. Allen playing a shell game and all that.
I wouldn’t think you’d have to pay anyone to give a BJ. That’s like Exxon paying you to fill up the tank.
Yeah, don’t get me wrong. There are some good thing about living in hickville. But, it is drowned out by idiots like Bobby and the majority of our state and local representatives and the people they speak for.
WIDTAP: teh lulz.
I’d possibly consider letting ‘Twenty Dollar’ Bob blow me & give me $20 *if and ONLY if* - 1)His wife, his parents, his kids, his donors, his constituents, his preacher and his lawyer were forced to watch in person; 2)I can pull his teeth beforehand with icetongs; and 3)He has to give me a Blumkin and I get to give him a Jelly Donut for his trouble. Only then can he taste my Sexual Chocolate… but pay me first, bitch!