Wonkette
Comical freak/Republican Congressman Vito Fossella saw his whole weird life fall apart on May 1, when he was arrested for drunken driving in Alexandria, which somehow led to the revelation that he had a secret baby-mama, and his actual wife and children back in New York didn’t really love that revelation, but being a Republican he just decided to serve out his term in the House, because hey, it’s not like he tried to suck off a cop at an airport. (Oh wait, that guy didn’t resign, either!)
This is one of those wonderful 2006/2008 GOP stories that will, we hope, be compiled in a giant Children’s Treasury Coffee Table Book called The Comically Miserable Death of the Republican Party, by the Editors of Wonkette. Fossella had an utterly safe GOP House seat, representing Staten Island, so of course he needed to have a ridiculous double life and be a terrible quasi-bigamist and a drooling drunkard and also get caught by the cops.
As this cheap tabloid melodrama unfolds, Vito vows to keep his House seat and also to run for re-election forever, and then a few days later he bows out, and hilarity ensues, as they say.
The Democrats can’t really figure out if they should even run a candidate, so they argue and a couple of dudes end up running, and meanwhile, on the GOP side, the Staten Island Republican Party endorses this guy Frank Powers, who says he’ll spend a half-million of his own fortune on this campaign, but then HE DIES, and also his own son is running against him, as a Libertarian. But the local Libertarian Party won’t even endorse Frank Powers Jr. (So Frank Powers Sr. obviously died of shame.) Anyway, some random Democrat won the election, because why not.
Also, Vito will probably go to jail for being so insanely drunk while driving a car to his baby-mama’s house. This is why we are writing about him again, today.
Ex-congressman may get jail for drunken driving [WTOP]
I’m holding you to that Children’s Treasury coffee table book. Where can I reserve an advanced copy?
I’m totally serious.
Please let it be illustrated by Cara A Bolen. Just to complete the laffs.
I don’t think that deep down in his heart that Vito was really a Republican. He was screwing around with a woman, for goodness sake.
Well, this guy will find out how a REAL REPUBLICAN has sex, none of that sex with your wife and/or your mistress bullshit. No, he is gonna get him some of that good ol’ buttsecks like all goo Republicans. Heck, he won’t have to talk dirty to underage pages or tap his foot under the stall walls. Bubba will just come right out and make him take it like a man.. a republican man!
UP FROM THE 36 CHAMBERS!
“It is a reasonable inference that if a person ’slams’ or rapidly consumes alcohol immediately before leaving a bar, the suspect will experience a rising BAC at the time of arrest,”
So he kept getting drunker during the whole ordeal, even though he had stopped drinking earlier? Sounds like Dubya may have an excuse.
Since he’s such a drunk, he’d fit right in here. Why not invite him to be a regular columnist here on Wonkette?
He could be your “Lightning Rod Conservative.” Plus his name is Vito; which is kinda awesome.
There was a time when the phrase “serving out your term in the House” actually meant something.
darbyogill: make that 2 copies. If you make it with artwork from a popular local girl from the florida pan handle, rather than with blingee, I bet you can sell the over $699.99 on an ebay auction
Hell, he should go to jail just for having that porn actor-sounding name. (I’m sure he’ll be very popular there.)
darbyogill:
It would make a great stocking stuffer. There is so much material, the book would pretty much write itself.
What’s also kind of awesome: CNN promoting Campbell Brown on Wonkette. Trib Co may be going out of business, but the MSM advertises itself on Wonkette.
Yay ‘new’ media!
Oh. If this were the only or even the worst scandal in Fossella’s life…
Are there any Republicans who are Maslow’s-Hierarchy-of-Need normal?
darbyogill: It would have much more impact if it were illustrated by the genius who brought us this.
I’d like my copy autographed please.
Bypartizoa: How big is your stocking? Cuz this will be one big, fat, snarky tome!
Jung American: Lincoln. Maybe.
darbyogill: oh, me, too!
See, and I thought Staten Island was just an overseas constituency of Italy and voted solidly for Forza Italia. I learned something today!
Sounds like somebody made Vito an offer he couldn’t refuse.
I’m going to buy more copies of that book than I have ever bought of any one thing ever before in my life. One for me, one for my republican/veteran grandfather, one for my father who doesn’t talk about politics, one for my mother who lies about having voted for Barack Obama, one for my sister for when she grows up, one for my s.o. who will go down on me with glee for a long time after recieving the book, and one for a time capsule. So that Martians, fifty years from now, will know that not all Earthlings were ignant fools before the apocalypse (republican assfucking=nobody with family values is actually reproducing=death of society).
All you atheists are missing the point: Republicans aren’t perfect, just forgiven.
Nigerian Business Executive: Profuse thanks for linking to that wonderful, wonderful post. Wow! Makes me sorry I went to Hawaii that year and stayed in a hotel w/no Internet. Almost.
Glancing over Vito’s shoulder, I couldn’t help but notice that MOOSE is on the menu. So he’s Palin-approved. You betcha!
Wasilla/Fossella 2012
actor212: HOLY SHIT! Vito is about as straight as a horse shoe.
Maureen Dowd’s Towel-Boy, Timothy Egan, has some vitriol for “writers” like Joe-The-Plumber.
” Joe, a k a Samuel J. Wurzelbacher, was no good as a citizen, having failed to pay his full share of taxes, no good as a plumber, not being fully credentialed, and not even any good as a faux American icon. Who could forget poor John McCain at his most befuddled, calling out for his working-class surrogate on a day when Joe stiffed him.
With a résumé full of failure, he now thinks he can join the profession of Mark Twain, George Orwell and Joan Didion. ”
Typing Without A Clue (NYT)
Ever since he broke up the act with Keely Smith, Vito has been steadily going downhill.
Please, please Wonkette. This book is your future. Seriously, call me. I know publishers.
Canuckledragger: Wasilla/Fossella
Gesundheit.
viviangrrrl: lies that she did vote for him or lies that she didn’t?
“Campbell Brown. Abominable. Noble.”
I couldn’t find any google images of the old children’s book showing a picture of a bull having eaten the contents of a bomb box. One is asked to choose the correct caption for the pic. The correct answer is “Abominable”. Later we are shown the blast area. The correct caption is “Noble”.
NewSpence: hell, yeah, the Fug Girls just got a book contract, and they just criticize horrendous outfits (very funnily, but still). http://www.gofugyourself.com
p-Sludge ofTheElves: I wish Jeebus would forgive me but I’m afraid I don’t feel the least bit guilty about anything.
Hooray for Republi-wood
That screwy, ballyhooey Republi-wood!
Where any office boy Or young mechanic
can be a panic
With just a good-looking pan
And any barmaid
Can be a star maid
If she dances with or without a fan
Hooray for Republi-wood!
Where you’re terrific if you’re even good!
Where anyone at all from Shirley Temple
to Aimee Semple
is equally understood
Come on and try your luck
You could be Donald Duck
Hooray for Republi-wood!
I’ll bet Bill Bennett would pen the introduction to the book for the young children, if you play your cards right. He is the republican spokesman for teaching the young children to be virtuous and shit.
dano: You don’t feel guilty about anything, but you want jeebus to forgive you. Is that just for the “experience” of it then? One of your librul “thrills” and “kicks” ?
Republicans. They all need a sitter.
Cocksure Vito should be sent to federal maximum security if only for this:
“In August 2002, appearing on CNN’s Crossfire, Fossella argued for partly privatizing Social Security and allow some of the funds be placed on Wall Street investments.” {From Wiki.]
Be nice. Vito helped ensure that New York City now has zero Republicans in its delegation. Considering NYC includes Staten Island, that is no mean feat.
Poor Larry Craig. So maligned. Don’t you see? He’s a victim of forced homosexuality in order to imperil the sanctity of his marriage. I’m only amazed Fosella’s enamorata didn’t also turn out to be a cop engaged in some kind of psycho-sexual entrapment/mistress-slave humiliation scenario.
Actually, on a serious note, why do these guys react to the stress of holding power in this way? Can’t anything be done to make their burden easier so they don’t have to go batshit crazy just to maintain? I can’t think of any woman in power, with the exception of Sarah Palin, who acts this way.
Min: yeah, but then they fondle the sitter in the car when she needs them to give her a ride home.
slavojzizek: We’ve been hoping Staten Island would make good on its threat to secede.
It looks like it has, just not from the party we thought it would.
He looks like Robert De Niro and Jim Furyk had a baby. Sorry, I used to be better at these.
I’d like to see him go to jail just for being a republican, but this’ll have to do.
norbizness: I had Kevin McHale and Jude Law, myself.
Can we have a prison-cam installed in Vito’s cell? I’d like to watch. Especially on days when Bubba from down the hall or either of his exes come to visit.
And sign me up for a book, too. My coffeetable may break under the weight of the shame but I’m willing to take the chance.
p-Sludge ofTheElves: Born-agains never forgive getting caught having sex!
Zhu Bajie
Mr Blifil: zhubajie: from now on, all GOP congress candidates must be eunuchs!
Zhu Bajie
Don’t laugh, but this is my Congressman.
One thing you’ve got to be aware of, living in the one borough in NYC that went for WALNUTS!, is that the bar is set pretty low here for local politicians, especially Republicans:
http://apenwarmedinhell.blogspot.com/2007/10/local-boy-makes-good-internationally.html
Jukesgrrl: let the salad tossin’ begin
I would probably only do this guy if he had feather earrings and a boa.