Wonkette
NEW REPORT SAYS NOBODY HAS JOBS ANYMORE: Yoinks, over half a million jobs lost in a month! Our robust American economy shed an additional 533,000 jobs in November and the unemployment rate rose to 6.7 percent. This confirms our suspicion that Wonkette readers, who have performed so gloriously in EcoDriving USA’s marvelous time-suck of a contest, constitute some massive portion of the recently unemployed. [Bureau of Labor Statistics]
Today, everyone is Arbusto.
Quick, someone tell Peggy Noonan!
I’ve decided that my new career will be as an EcoDriver’s Training teacher. That’s American entrepreneurship at its finest!
I’m not worried. I’ve cornered the large cardboard box market. For a nominal fee I’ll put a waterproof coating on your new home. Yes, I do take chickens, Ron Paul dollars and food stamps.
Damn, I wanna play EcoDrivingUSA, but I have this pesky job taking up all my time.
Well, not ALL of it, obviously.
Just stop jumping the border into Mexico, plz.
Rudy’s on the midway
And Jacob’s in the hole
THe monkey’s on the ladder
The devil shovels coal
With crows as big as airplanes
The lion has three heads
And someone will eat the skin that he sheds
And the earth died screaming
The earth died screaming
While I lay dreaming of you
…constitute some massive portion of the recently unemployed
Sara, I think you mean soon to be unemployed.
WagTehGod: Whatever loser. My Christmas bonus this year was two free hours of Ecodriving lessons. So yeah, suck it.
perfecting my hobo bean recipes for a couple months now…
NoWireHangers: Truth. Right now we’re in the “waiting around with no work and fearing our bosses will realize this” phase.
Shit, I hate my job. That’s why I’m on this site all the time: I hope the IT guys will track my usage and finally fire my ass. There’s no shame in losing your job when this country is hemorrhaging half a million jobs a month. That’s my unemployment problem, anyway.
I’d sure miss getting paid, though.
EcoDriver is, to quote Chuck Berry, “too much botheration for me to be involved in” - thank you very much.
(Kinda like work in that respect.)
I saw a guy who looked suspiciously like Jebus holding a cardboard sign that read, “Will raise teh dead for foodz” on my way to work this morning.
It feels great to finally be ahead of the curve on something.
I was unemployed before being unemployed was cool.
smashtheduck: Bonus Schmonus, my “firm” gave out bindle sticks this year to us lucky stiffs.
4tehlulz: Good to know I’m not the only one! But I’m not sure my boss has any work to do, either, so I think I’m safe for now.
What’s worst is when you are forced to love the job you always hated because you don’t want to be a part of the 6.7%!
Come on already! I’m dyin’ here! Where’s our Peggy Noonan item??
4tehlulz: I wish I had no work - but my boss is Mexico - so fuck doing any of this shit on my desk - I’m just sitting here dreaming of Truck Nutz and assfucking
i’m not unemployed…i have a blog..
This is goof news - for John McCain!
It’s because those damned Hanleys keep takin’ nine job!
That does it. I’m poisoning anybody I work with who has the ability to make my job redundant.
Could we exercise some sort of moratorium on comments that are at least 50% comprised of internally derived catchphrases?
Is “drifter” a job?
WagTehGod: Can I pay for my lessons in squirrel kebabs? It’s all I have left.
smashtheduck: Damn it. Looks like my new business already needs a bailout then. Um, $100 million would help me weather the storm.
CrunchyKnee: Damn. There goes by plan to corner the market on sticks and hankeys. And now fuck, cardboard’s taken. Hmmm… Hobo Hats! Getcher Hobo Hats right here folks!
Wonkette readers, who have performed so gloriously in EcoDriving USA’s marvelous time-suck of a contest…
Maybe we can’t save the economy by playing EcoDriving USA, but we can sure as hell try.
Robobot: God yes. I’m hugreeeeeee.
answerbird: These are the Tom Waits lyrics that apply:
Now when I was a boy
My daddy sat me on his knee
and he told me
He told me many things
And he said, “son,
There’s a lot of things in this world
You’re gonna have no use for
And when you get blue
And you’ve lost all your dreams
There’s nothin’ like a campfire
And a can of beans.”
WagTehGod: Brilliant! We commenters need to incorperate. God knows we’re bleeding money on our liquor requirements alone. Where the fuck would our country be without us?
SayItWithWookies:
Just stay away from Brian Dennehy.
ph7: Trendsetting just never felt so good huh?
answerbird: Or perhaps these:
My daddy told me, lookin back,
The best friend you’ll have is a railroad track
So when I was 13 said, I’m rollin’ my own
And I’m leavin’ Missouri and I’m never comin’ home
Satchel Puddin’ and Lord God Mose
Sitting by the fire with a busted nose
That fresh egg yeller is too damn rare
But the white part is perfect for slickin’ down your hair
Blackjack Ruby and Nimrod Cain
The moon’s the color of a coffee stain
jesse Frank and Birdy Joe Hoaks
But who is the king of all these folks?
Well I dined last night with Scarface Ron
On Telapia fish cakes and fried black swan
Razorweed onion and peacock squirrel
And I dreamed all night about a beautiful girl
Well God’s green hair is where I slept last
He balanced a diamond on a blade of grass
Now I woke me up with a cardinal bird
And when I wanna talk
He hangs on every word
[refrain has been removed from between the verses]
snideinplainsight: If it’s on Newell’s list, he’s probably still passed out on top of a Tracy Jordan sex doll with an empty bottle of wine stuck in his crack.
smashtheduck: Alone, we can only live in hobo shacks. But together, we are too big to fail.
we only need one more unemployed to put our total number of drivers to 800! C’mon sheeple, let’s do it!
oh wiat, were did it go?
I feel so elitist being gainfully employed. I may celebrate by actually doing a full day’s work this week.
That’s not the half of how bad it is. We need monthly job growth of 100,000 jobs just to keep pace with population growth, and it’s been 8 years since we’ve seen net job growth.
I smell a legacy!
The problem with unemployment figures going up is that it’ll mean that it’s much harder for me to get a seat at the coffee shop at 2 in the afternoon.
I haven’t had a job in almost nine years and I’m still not hungry. Am I doing it wrong?
OH, no…this means more fistfights in the library for computer space….
Unfortunately I’m not one of the recently unemployed. I lot my job this past February and I thank all the contributors to Wonkette for making me smile and feel part of a community. Just as long as I can keep my broadband service I don’t feel despondent. That and the occasional alcohol injection!
Dear Santa,
Please let me find a job.
So I can leave Rudolph some cookies.
Or carrots.
Thanks.
Well, now that that’s settled, Blingee Contest Part II, anyone?