Wonkette
THE GREAT THANKSGIVING WARS: “A mob of bargain-crazed cretins smashed down the glass doors of a Long Island Wal-Mart and stomped the life out of a gentle man hired by a temporary agency to mind the store. Across the country in a Palm Desert strip mall, a bloody fistfight between two charming young women ended with two men dead, after a gunfight in the aisles of Toys R Us.” [AOL Political Machine]
C’mon everybody, sing along with me >> “It’s beginning / to look a lot / like Christmas…”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7MLTGpHvlLU
Look out kids. The store Santa is packing.
liquiddaddy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b8hxCpAdCJI
I especially loved the all-class way Walmart treated the event as an advertising opportunity and then took particular pains to let us know the victim was just a temp, so no bennies for the bereaved! It’s Moloch, reminding us that, in this season of joy, his ear is still a smoking tomb, and thanks for shopping.
If we don’t stomp people who get in the way to death, how will Baby Jesus know we love him?
To be fair, though, that Mario Kart Wii bundle was a fucking steal.
This is why I hate the holidays. I try to avoid the mall throughout December.
Lascauxcaveman: “beginning to smell a lot like Christmas” indeed. Perry Cuomo — hey that’s Mario’s dad! Andrew’s grandpa! Crooner/Almost-Mayor/AG/Governators of Lawn Guy Land! They belong to the D ‘n C which their moms shoulda got.
Not that this story doesn’t tug at my heart strings and tickle my funny bone, but wasn’t this story already posted?
At least the Grinch never killed anybody.
Google Walmart dead peasant insurance. Not only do they think of their “associates” as peasants, they take out insurance policies on their workers, make sure they are overworked and underpaid with no access to health care, and then make a tidy profit when they kill them—-er, when they die.
“Mike Rice was a 48-year-old assistant manager when he died of a massive heart attack at the Wal-Mart store in Tilton, N.H. His widow, Vicki, became the lead plaintiff in a class-action lawsuit against the company after she discovered Wal-Mart collected $300,000 from a life insurance policy it owned on him. Vicki Rice believes job-related stress contributed to the heart attack and says it is totally immoral for Wal-Mart to profit from his death.”
Merry Christmas Walton family!
publius: Mr. Ken Layne has some sort of deal worked out with AOL whereby he humorously unloads his angst on AOL users and AOL pays him $1 for every word spelled entirely in caps by those who respond to his essay.
Ken Layne is the 10th richest person in America.
Why do people worship this sodomite, I don’t understand. All he did
> was get elected to a city council spot for district filled with
> sodomites and social deviants. The Castro use to be an Irish working
> class neighborhood until all the fagets invaded it and destroyed the
> heritage of it.
> Also, San Francisco use to be a great town until it was infested and
> invaded by a bunch of kooky wackjobs and undesirables.
villageatrois: It’s Perry Como, not Cuomo. Not that it matters, I think Como was a stage name.
“It was crazy,” said a worker in the electronics department who was in the store during the stampede. “The deals weren’t even that good.”
OK, fess up. Which one of you Wonketters works at the electronics department in Wal-Mart?
Money quote from the Toys R Us Palm Springs Bob Rodriguez-inspired Mexican Standoff:
For May Jones, 25, of Palm Desert, bargains outweighed any safety concerns.
“I’d rather get some sales,” Jones said, as she loaded toys for her children into her car in the parking lot. “It happened once. It probably won’t happen again.”
K.O. Worst Person of the Decade in 3, 2, 1…
I’m bummed. Every Friday when J&R.com sends me their electronic weekend specials I don’t get to stomp anybody before I open the e-mail.
Walmart is the AntiChrist. It’s Tramlaw spelled backwards –when means the law of the tram (doh!)–giant behemouth with a single track running over everything in its path!
This is a foretaste of the America to come! Mobs will sack Walmarts, etc., in search of food, guns, booze. Then when everything’s all gone, they will turn on each other, slaughtering the scapegoat du jour. When the televangelists tell their flocks “kill the cockroaches!” it’ll be Rwanda all over again, only Wonketteers will be roaches, not Tutsis.
Zhu Bajie
For fuck’s sake! What the hell is wrong with people?
zhubajie: This is why I recommend stocking up on canned hams; they are very useful for distracting the hambeast hordes and giving one time to escape.
I’ll be having the scapegoat du jour along with a side of canned ham.
South Carolina was tax-free on guns this weekend, so I’m ready to take sides in the war on Christmas.
So, to sum up: “We live in a nation of dolts, but I’ll take it over the other fucked up places in the world.”
accidental_tourist: Merry Christmas Walton family? FYI, the Waltons don’t celebrate Christmas. As Members Of The Tribe, they celebrate Hanukkah and Xma$.
…WTF?! Is this the running of the fukkin bulls or something?!
bunnyhead: The Waltons ain’t members of my tribe, the one that celebrates Hanukkah. They are Presbyterians.
This is just a simple stampede on opening day. Wait until supplies get low. That’s when the really interesting stuff happens.
When I visit Walmart, I always stop at the gun counter first to buy ammo. Then, when I wade into the dark swamp in search of the last Elmo, I go locked and loaded.
ellie:
Wraps this one up quite nicely!
I’ll never forget almost getting trampled one time in an Atlanta mall when they made an announcement that “Girls’ panties are half off at Victoria’s Secret.”
Probably an aberration. Who’d have guessed it was Chambliss Family Fun Day at the mall?
I’m the NRA.
Serolf Divad: I went and looked at the “Black Friday” ads in the paper, and then went back and looked again after The Trampling.
There was a 50″ plasma TV that you saved maybe $100 on. That’s it. It was still $800. Not like, say, ‘the first 100 people get a plasma TV for $50,’ but just standard discount sale sh*t.
So these people went f***ing nuts and killed somebody over more or less a 10-15% off sale. Nice.
EnBuenOra: When I go to the movies I want to be entertained. I don’t want to see Michael Douglas’s aging erection. I am not a prude, but there is a time and a place for everything, and the place for Michael Douglas’s penis is in his boxer shorts, not blown up to ludicrous proportions in a movie theater. It was bad enough having to look at his flabby buttocks in “Basic Instinct”.
As if that wasn’t bad enough, I predict that the ongoing pornoization of Hollywood movies will lead to more expensive movie tickets, as the big stars demand extra ‘nudity money’ to compensate them for participating in the variety of depraved acts the perverted directors dream up. After all, if full blown intercourse is allowed past the censors, what next ? Teabagging ? Bagpiping ? Felching ? I don’t even want to think about it.
Before the moral collapse brought on by the liberal anything goes ‘free love’ culture of the sixties, America’s movies were governed by something called the Hays Code. Amongst other things, this very fine set of rules protected our children by mandating that certain levels of decency prevailed on our screens. Here are some extracts to give you an idea of the moral strength of the code:
# Excessive and lustful kissing, lustful embraces, suggestive postures and gestures, are not to be shown.
# Pointed profanity (this includes the words, God, Lord, Jesus, Christ - unless used reverently - Hell, S.O.B., damn, Gawd), or every other profane or vulgar expression however used, is forbidden.
# No film or episode may throw ridicule on any religious faith.
# The use of the Flag shall be consistently respectful.
# Impure love must not be presented as attractive and beautiful.
Nowadays, modern cinematographers seem to take the Hays code, and invert it. They don’t feel as if their movie is complete, unless it has scenes of impure love, disrespect for the flag, and blasphemy. This sorry state of affairs cannot be allowed to continue.
In conclusion, this increasing permissiveness will cause movie ticket prices to rise, and you may be forced to view Michael Douglas’s erect penis enlarged until it is 10 meters long. Now you can understand why the Hays code must be ressurected. Hopefully with Mr Bush now firmly seated in the Whitehouse, America will enter a new era of wholesome family entertainment and the Hollywood pornographers will be claiming unemployment
I think the turkey syndicate is behind these deaths.. or maybe the erect penis of Michael Douglas.
I was choking on my breakfast when I read the words about enlargement to 10 meters…the sum of all fears….
A Google search for “Michael Douglas 10 Meter Penis” shows identical messages being posted at various groups earlier today. I think Catherine Zeta-Jones has something to do with it.
slavojzizek: You may be right, but the New York Times wrote: Then the Wal-Mart Jews arrived. Recruited from around the country as workers for Wal-Mart or one of its suppliers, hundreds of which have opened offices near the retailer’s headquarters here, a growing number of Jewish families have become increasingly vocal proponents of religious neutrality in the county. They have asked school principals to rename Christmas vacation as winter break (many have) and lobbied the mayor’s office to put a menorah on the town square (it did).
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/06/20/business/20synagogue.html?hp&ex=1150862400&en=5b5644aaeeccee48&ei=5094&partner=homepage
and see Gawker too:
http://gawker.com/news/jews/walmart-brings-jews-to-arkansas-and-not-just-for-the-bargains-182004.php
10 METER penis? Real Murikans use the yard stick!
shanemcgowan: And not just today, but also 6.5 years ago, hence the weird anachronisms.
See the latter half of this post.
you know how some politicians — when they’re trying to one-up their opponent’s patriotism — will say something like, “there hasn’t been a time when i *haven’t* been proud of my country?”
uh, yeah. this is one of those times. oh … and that whole abu ghraib thing, too.
Fuck Walmart. Just fuck that fucking behemoth that worships the almighty dollar at the expense of its employees, its vendors and their employees, both here and in third world sweatshops.
That poor man’s family will never again mark Thanksgiving as anything remotely resembling a celebration. I hope they sue the ass off the corporation and win.
Fuck Walmart.
bunnyhead: American Jews want “religious neutrality”?
Gee, I can think of a Quick Fix for that one: Ask if they agree that all U.S. military and economic aid to the State of Israel should cease immediately. Or be shared, 50/50, with the Palestinians.
It’s so amusing to watch them rhetorically implode. Or quote the Pentach. Same thing, really.
Neilist: Yes, because we Jews are all exactly the same. Wow, I expect that on other sites , not here, but I guess anyone can join.
dumblonde: While I think this is the first death, every year, some store(and I remember when it happened to the Walmart in Shelton, Ct on a black Friday), has large glass doors or windows smashed in by the mass of shoppers. Seeing the huge crowds shopping on Tv and passing full parking lots in malls as we drove along the road home, I thought about how many of those people were probably already in debt but have to spend thousands more for Christmas- because what is a holiday without a Blu-ray, a newe game system and ugly holiday embroidered clothing- and those cheese and sausage packages.
I wandered around numerous NYC stores on Black Friday, alone and despondent. I was desperately seeking to buy something, anything - not just because it’s the American thing to do and because Christ commands us to shop in the Bible, but also because I wanted to help out with the recession. I didn’t want to see stores like Macy’s and J&R go out of business and the city slip into hobo-dom. Rail against consumerism all you like, but if it keeps the economy afloat I’m all for it.
But for 8 hours, I could find nothing. I and everyone I know already has a pretty good cellphone, an MP3 player of some sort (maybe the Video iPod from two years ago, but it still works), a digital camera or two, a laptop computer, plenty of clothes - we are fortunate enough to have no pressing needs - and I’m thankful for that. But it makes me feel kind of unAmerican.
I do not understand American consumer culture. Now, if a herd of people trampled someone to death trying to get out of a Wal-Mart, that would make sense. But getting up at three in the morning to join a huge crowd of people banging on the door of an exploitative retail behemoth?
Hey, I got an idea — let’s move election day to Black Friday — antisocial liberal elites will rule the nation forever!
Well said, Ken, though I’m not entirely convinced. Still, on the bright side, having a mortgage that you are able to pay down on a regular basis plus $1000 in the bank makes one “upper middle class” these days.
Thank you Ken Layne for the brimming cup of holiday cheer.
The image of the little boy standing over his slain dad in Toys R Us, pleading for him to wake up, is going to stay with me.
I still don’t understand how people can smash down the doors of stores and trample those trying to hold them back to death and then not loot. I mean, if one’s bloodlust is stoked by the potential of “50% off” why not just go all the way and make it “100% off”?
Also, this time the genuinely angry/crazy comments seem to be lowercase (and with close to accurate spelling and punctuation[!]) while the ALL CAPS comments have seemed to shift to Wonketteers in disguise. What gives? Did all of the massively insane people go into hibernation for winter after gorging on Thanksgiving food and American Football, leaving only the moderately insane?
Every Walmart employee should get an apron, smiley button and a 10 meter cattle prod.
This really isn’t just about Wal-Mart. This is about what we really value and worship: the dollar, in the form of that super-reduced Christmas bargain.
Baby Jesus, here is the iPod I bought you. Don’t mind the blood and guts.
jagorev: “I and everyone I know already has a pretty good cellphone, an MP3 player of some sort (maybe the Video iPod from two years ago, but it still works), a digital camera or two, a laptop computer, plenty of clothes - we are fortunate enough to have no pressing needs -”
And you can even afford the dry cleaners!
Baby Jesus, here is the iPod I bought you on sale! Don’t mind the blood.
For more ways in which we suck: missedtheepistle.blogspot.com
Neon Trotsky: I know. I will have to revert to no-caps if the ALL-CAPS nuts won’t come out to play.
Eversaved: Kind of like this? http://www.athyrius.com/joomla/mambots/content/smoothgallery/cache/images/stories/graphic_art/600×585-christmas.jpg
bunnyhead:slavojzizek: I guess when LibertyForum collapsed, the Jew-obsessives formed their own diaspora, even settling here, in the land of joshin’.
Neon Trotsky: Because that would be wrong.
facehead: Face I have not been commenting on this “website” due to the “holiday” and the alleged “DUI” I received on my way back up to the “Buttermilks” on this “weekend.” I may not WANT to discuss the time I spent in “Independence” in “Jail” for “10 hours” last night, but I would rather tell you that you have won.
WIN for Face.
deaths during shopping are winning out over deaths during deer hunting
more crap for the rest of us buy
Oh, and shopping is Serious Business. You pigs are probably going all out on sales of useless shit you will neither need or want while propounding useless shit on others that they neither need nor want. Therefore, we all are Walmart customers today.
Think about these office party thingies:
They are for the weak! Real, solid American co-workers and classmates prefer ass fucking.
I like Carolyn’s comments. She seems confused.
“If Obama is actually sworn in as President, the next four years will be a hoot for people like me.”
If Obama is sworn in. If. News must travel slow in her neck of the woods.
<i”I believe his own party will be engaged in in-fighting and Obama will be helpless. He’s already turned many of them against him for his cabinet picks. He’s pretty much pushed old Joe Biden aside since he has no more use for someone to give him the illusion of having a foreign policy expert at his side. Biden said he “would be right there in the Oval Office when any decision is made.” Yeah right.”
Hear that Obama? Your presidency (if you get sworn in, that is) is already over. You crossed old Joe Biden by pushing him aside in some unknown way before you were even in power and now he’s going to break you… somehow… for some unknown reason.
shortsshortsshorts: Well, yeah. I’m an American. I prefer assfucking to work or to Christmas parties. But since I’m married and employed (for now), I have to go to work with boring people who like Christmas parties and I rarely get laid at all.
I immediately order 5ml injectable Thorazine for this thread.
so now i get my local news on wonkette..weird
The Dutch parliament banned magic mushrooms because one person jumped off a bridge and died under the influence. If that’s the threshold — and even in the US, if you listen to anti-drug spiels, one death seems to be it — then maybe we should consider banning Wal-Mart as a danger to the public. Of course, a lot of 12-year-old Indonesian kids will be out of a job…
My friend’s story from Brunch:
“We were all talking about what happened at Wall Mart and Grandma was like “Were they black people, or were they regular people? What? Why are you laughing, you know what I mean.”
And that’s from a native New Yorker. People are just going to love reading into this.
On Sundays do they repeat posts that were a big hit or what?
Plus, writers do it like little bunnies?
I’ve never heard that before.
Is that turkey supposed to look like Ozzy Osbourne?
C’mon, everybody! This is not the time of year for angry, trampling feet! This is the time of year for happy, tapping feet!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mioIWB5z7fo&feature=related
Here is how we end the War on Terror:
First, drop four-hundred 32″ Sony flat-panels into North Waziristan. Then announce that they are only $299.00 for those that find them. But, if you bring the head of any member of Al Qaeda, you get an extra 25% off. If you bring the head of bin Laden, you get 50% off.
This war would be over in days.
Weeping Jesus: I have dreams of being stampeded at the Victoria Secret in Atlanta when it is announced that there is a half-off sale on girls panties.
It is one of the best dreams I ever have.
Damn. The AOL commenters have a bad case of the Stupids. They’re just making shit up, and they’re worried about make-believe nonsense like Destiny and Meaning.
Axe-weilding Eurasian mail order brides using the sexy euphemism “have a cheeky Christmas” meaning “get your cheeks stomped at Walmart and die.” Enjoy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0uizWNy3Q1I&feature=related
I guess when some employee at Prada gets trampled in a stampede, we’ll know the economy has rebounded.
Lionel Hutz Esq.: It sounds like it.
Did it have any little bunnies in it?
This is sort of fun talking to myself.
Unfortunately, I don’t find myself fascinating.
Don’t people realize that if they’re first at a store (Wal-Mart, Buy More, etc.) at 5 a.m. for any given item, they’ve already ‘won’ by their definition of the word? Christ, I’ve never even gotten up that early for work (not even for the big meeting). I’ve certainly never been first at any office building (not even the DMV, not even on a Monday morning). Insanity.
Funny — when the possibility of a gun being brought to Mayfair Mall (mind you, the mall, not any specific store) in Milwaukee, the movie-theatre faced sanction from the shopping centre owners & had further to tighten its admission standards & security (because we draw more blacks to the mall, & Lord knows, only blacks carry concealed weapons). People open fire at Toys r’ Us, & it’s just good fun; “gotta get those bargains”.
These people in Calif.’s Central Valley were (largely) hard-working white Americans, then?
So they stamp a man to death, fight off the cops and EMS, violently resist when management tries to close the store, and after fucking TAKING OVER THE STORE BY MOB VIOLENCE, they. . . . stand patiently in line and pay for their items?
The human race is doomed.
Sadly, the Salvation Army bell-ringer’s whereabouts are still unknown.
“three quarters of the World are starving
three quarters of the world are starving
The rest are DEAD!
The rest are DEAD!”
from 1/4 Dead
by Rudimentary Peni
Well, this is pretty crummy, all right. But that trampling thang goes on at Euro soccer games a lot and sometimes at concerts (especially if you torch the stage and lock the doors).
I’m going to stay right here at my keyboard where there are no crowds.
Lionel Hutz Esq.: You’re having heterosexual dreams about women? Sicko!
EnBuenOra: You missed the ad that explained:
>>> BIG $ALE ON TRUCKNUTZ <<<
Wonkette is the Wal-Mart of blogs.
Wonkette bloggers are paid by piece work.
Anonymous Office Zombie: How could they tell if you need treatment ASAP? When , your infestation is in or around your Vagine-gine”‘
I assumed they could see with their eyes the name of this thread therefore notifying them of my condition
“and maybe leaving ALL CAPS ignorant illiterate comments on various news websites”
MR KEN BE KINDER TO YOUR BLOG READERS CAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN AN ALLCAPSER IS GOING TO AGREE WITH YOU WAKE UP PEOPLE!
Walmart pics here: http://www.nydailynews.com/money/galleries/walmart_stampede_captured_in_pictures/walmart_stampede_captured_in_pictures.html
I’m confused…
Was the trampling part of the “War on Christmas” or the opening salvo of the “War FOR Christmas?”
shortsshortsshorts: What if you go to these company parties for the sole purpose of procuring someone to commence ass fucking upon?
Though the free booze at ours is a solid bonus to me.
glamourdammerung: YOU GOD DAMN BASTARDS THINK YOU ARE GOING TO GET AWAY WITH ALL THIS HATE! YOU STUPID, ILLEGITIMATE PEOPLE! OUR POPULATION IS THAT OF 1.9 BILLION! YES 1.9 BILLION, AND WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU? 20-30 MILLION (ARGUABLY)? HA! YOU HAVE 1 COUNTRY TO SCATTER TO, LIKE THE FILTHY PIGS YOU ARE! YOU ARE THE LITTER AND DIRT OF THIS WORLD. YOU KILLED JESUS! YOU WANT NOTHING MORE THAN TO KILL THE CHRISTIAN AND MOSLEM RACE! YOUR PEOPLE CONVERT DAILY BY SEEING YOUR BITCHES A.K.A. RABBIS AND CHILDREN OF ISRAEL KILL AND SLAUGHTER INNOCENT INDIVIDUALS. WE KNOW YOUR KIND ARE THOSE THAT WILL SUFFER IN THE FURY OF HELL. MAY YOU BE CONDEMNED AND THE ILLEGITIMATE INSTITUTE OF israel.