Wonkette
NAPOLITANO TO RUN HOMELAND SECURITY: Barack Obama has asked the Arizona governor Janet Napolitano to run the useless, bloated Department of Homeland Security. She was frequently mentioned on Obama’s short list of possible vice presidents, but presumably that would have been just too many vowels on the ticket, so she gets this instead: figuring out how to keep an influx of Canadian terror-squads from invading Minnesota. [Politico]
It’s a complicated position where you spend all day cross referencing the terror alert level to the president’s poll numbers. The math is complicated, but in layman’s terms: when the poll numbers are down, the terror alert level goes up. It’s a little more complicated than that, of course, but that’s the basic idea.
The only way this is good for her career is if she successfully presides over the dismantling of the department.
Can we please change the name now? ‘Homeland’ security always made my fascist-o-meter twitch. What’s wrong with ‘National Security’?
Wouldn’t it be sweet if after a two-year stint at DHS, she beat McCain in his reelection attempt in 2010?
dotdotdotdotdot: I like “Domestic Security” myself.
jagorev: Yes, yes it would, and the new Senator can send McWalnuts a bag of dicks as a consolation prize.
Ha Ha Joe Lieberman; you’ve just been fucked. Enjoy getting pwnz3rd h4rdc0rz for the next few years by someone who won’t take any of your bullshit.
jagorev: AGREED! I wanted to see her as Navajo Princess of Arizona (D) in 2010! rather than a cabinet member; anything to see McCain lurk back to his cave with Cindy. =sigh=
http://www.charlietueats.com
“Here y’go. Now shut it down.”
dotdotdotdotdot:
Department for the Securing of the Fatherland?
If she just would’ve secured Department of Forestry, she could’ve set that skunk living on her head free
dotdotdotdotdot: I think it should be called the Federal Emergency Allocation of Resources Department, known by it’s acronym, F.E.A.R.
We are all Minnesotans now.
Can we reinstate terror-level, “Blackwatch Plaid”?
also, NAPOLITANO makes me want that ice cream with the three flavors
Looks like she missed the “wet paint” sign on the way to that photograph
I don’t want her. She wouldn’t let Arizonans have guns in bars. How can somebody like that run Homeland Security?
http://articles.latimes.com/2005/apr/26/nation/na-guns26
Deepthroat: Other new levels…Paisley, Periwinkle and Seersucker.
Kingbee: Well, Minnesota does lead the way in Pro-American thought.
Mussolini? Pour défendre la Patrie? WTF (comme disent les Américains)?
4tehlulz: That would be f***ing awesome… Obama goes tells senate dems to let Joe grin stupidly as the chairman of a committee that won’t exist in three months… oh please oh please oh please!!!!!
The funny thing is: she’s actually a cat!
She only looks like a skunk because she walked under some wacky painter’s ladder.
And now she must always flee the misguided embrace of l’amour…
So what’s this do for her prospects of ripping McCain’s still beating heart from his chest in 2010? I do like the border state/immigration expert logic. Of course she’s an expert, that’s why we hardly see any Mexicans sneaking over the border anymore. All those expert governors along the border and our economy is sub-Mexico now.
http://thesebastards.blogspot.com/
dotdotdotdotdot:
Fatherland Security.
Darth-Vaderland Security.
Miller: The reason why you don’t see any more of us crossing north, is because we have been overrun by Americans crossing south. Interpret this at any level you want.
Janet Napolitano? You mean that lead singer chick from Concrete Blonde?
Does this mean the Concrete Blonde reunion tour is off?
Aloysius: Jinx.
wtf is up with all the cabinet level Janet’s being lesbian spinsters?
warning: http://www.ballslist.com/celebrity/lesbians/janet-reno.jpg
I was hoping she would be his VP pick, so they could have combined names: Obamapolitano ‘08!
Yeah, Will I be able to bring yogurt through airline security now? Because we know how many yoplait bombs are killing people every day.
All the cool girls are named Michelle, and the dweeb girls are named Janet.
Come here a minute: Yes. Blow it up, already.
Hey, don’t dis the terror squads from Canada. Those guys are ruthless bastards.
Anonymous sources have announced that Little Dickie Morris will be appointed Secretary of Gloryholes.
I’m thinking she needs to talk to those queer guys on the TV that can help you out with style stuff, ’cause…damn!
Department of Free Money for Heroic Heroes.
Every time I hear her name I think they’re talking about the lead singer of Concrete Blonde.
Aloysius: Damn, you beat me to it!
Napotilano continues the sad, regrettable Shalala-Reno-Rice tradition of cabinet level spinster appointments.
Given this, is it any wonder how kids like Kristen Ashley Dupre turn to whoring and porn and tragic singing careers? A few hot looking role models at the highest level of government could give them something else to aspire.
I agree with other Wonketteers on the fascist undertones of “Homeland”. Remember, this thing was conceived when we were required to call our side-dishes “Freedom Fries” and what-not. A rebranding is in order at the very least: Department for Over-50 Asian and Fat Chick Employment
dotdotdotdotdot: We already have a National Security Agency (NSA). Having a Department of National Security would just remind everyone that we have so many effing security and military agencies that we need to double-up on names.
blader: This is precisely why I have been lobbying hard (if you know what I mean) to put Stephanie Herseth Sandlin at Interior or Agriculture.
blader: Good Point. Barry could have a 1000 Year Reich on his hands if there was a “good looks” threshold when applying for a position in his team. I mean all that shit about never having sent an embarrassing email. Fuck…..has anyone NOT sent an embarrassing email?
Anyways, our new sheriff needs a few Lilli Von Shtupps in his cabinet….
Deepthroat: I, for one, welcome our new chocolate, vanilla and strawberry-flavored security overlord.
Vewol Mevemont: Yes, but the Department of National Security would be run by Martin Lawrence and Steve Zahn. Expect many zany moments and spirited hijinks…
So long as she keeps those fucking Manitoba bastards out of MY backyard, she’s okay with me.
…figuring out how to keep an influx of Canadian terror-squads from invading Minnesota. You josh. But those crazed Canuckistanis have every reason to seek the warmer clime of Al Frankenstan.
jagorev: There is NO WAY IN FUCKING HELL Janet gets elected dogcatcher in AZ if she leaves us with Jan Brewer as governor. Dems here have told her and her peeps that she will be DEAD to us if she bolts before her term expires. She has been the only thing keeping some seriously bad legislation from becoming law, especially on the budget front. She has forced the moderate Repubs to work with the Dems in the legislature to pass good laws. Now with a Republican governor to rubberstamp their wacko legislation, folks like Russell Means will work to pass stupid laws like allowing guns in schools. There will be no one to stop them.
Don’t leave Janet….
so i’m the only Phil Ken Sebben fan here? Seriously, that is like THE BEST Harvey Birdman episode ever.
http://www.metacafe.com/tags/blackwatch_plaid/
randomsausage: The idea (and name) “Homeland Security” actually predates 9/11 by at least a few months. Hart-Rudman Commission proposed a “Homeland Security Agency” in its January 2001 report, and a bill was submitted to Congress in March 2001. It never got out of committee.
Then, 9/11 happened, the bushies dusted off the name, and slapped it on their own crazy plans.
Michael Bauser: -1 for real knowledge on Wonkette. I’m appalled. Where’s the snark in that buddy?
The Department of Homeland Security’s roll in post 9/11 is overated.
The US intelligence community has long been a total joke, being given the job of running DHS is as shitty as they come.
Long as he doesn’t say, “You’re doing a heckuva job, Janet.”
Serolf Divad: The alert levels were based on Dubya’s mood ring colors! That’s why it was always AMBER:
NERVOUS, EMOTIONS MIXED, UNSETTLED, COOL
Bummer about her leaving Arizonians to douchey Republicans. That turns it into a drier version of Oklahoma, the only state where Walnuts won in ALL the counties.
Plan on moving here in a few years, if you want cheap land. Pretty soon, they’ll be selling this state for scrap.
DHS Priority No. 1: Keep the terrorist-bombing father of a certain White House “Chief of Staff” from entering the country . . . whether in the company of William Ayers or otherwise.
Does that mean we will soon be seeing Janet Napolitano Dance Party on SNL? It’s Nappy Time!
Deepthroat: ice cream. Yeah.
Say it ain’t so! It means we have Jan Brewer as governor. Although she WILL give the Wonketeers some juicy copy. Think Jean Schmidt crossed with Michelle Bachmann.
And yes, yes, to all of you who say President Hopey needs to give her back in two years so she can put Walnuts out of his misery.
UGGGHH im so sick of this trend to be the 3rd Clinton term!! Now they have an ugly Janet too???
I’m bummed also - I wanted Clinton’s FEMA guy, James L. “Jimmy Lee” Witt to get this job since that Son-of-the(mid)South actually KNOWS how to make sh!t happen to prevent a crisis from becoming a catastrophe. That’s a skill-set that the job needs and he can learn all to military stuff later.
azw88: Russell Means? The Indian activist?
Or Russell Pearce, the anti-Mexican honky?