Wonkette
Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson announced a major shift today in the Troubled Asset Release Program (TARP!) — or, as the kids call it, “n00bama bailout $ocialism” — and we do not necessarily know to what the shift is. We know from what Hanky is shifting away, though, and that is the plan to buy toxic mortgage-related assets from financial institutions so as to loosen credit and save America. You may recall this instrument Hank is now abandoning: it was the whole point of the bailout, the thing Hank and his chum Ben Bernanke DEMANDED Congress pass within 20 minutes or the child would die.
Now, Hank says, the $700 billion will “be used in a broader campaign to bolster the financial markets and, in turn, make loans more accessible for creditworthy borrowers seeking car loans, student loans and other kinds of borrowing.” So just… money for motherfuckers that be needin’ some money. NO MONEY FOR DETROIT THOUGH, Hank promised! Ha ha ha, god, we are a nation of fucked beggars.
Paulson Says Treasury Is Shifting Focus of Bailout [NYT]
OK, OK, everyone: new plan! I’m gonna hit thrift stores, attending Comic-cons, and making it rain at DFW-Metroplex strip clubs till the money’s all gone! What will Michael Dorn say when I give him $1.8 billion for his autograph?
…TRANSLATION: See you in Dubai dumb-asses!!!
Purple drank and a vodka chaser will see me through.
I am so confused. Is that their evil plan? Just confuse the hell out of all of us?
Would you trust a banker to save a child, even his own, from a burning cash warehouse?
…I think Hillary may have just found a way to pay-off that debt?!
haha! Tricked again!
Every time I think the administration is easy to read, they turn me right-around and assfuck me.
Those little rascals!
Mortgage to more gauge. Lock and load, hoboes.
AngryBlakGuy: Mr. Blak man:
DUBAI IS ALSO FUCKED!
Doesn’t that suck balls? They’re having to borrow from oil-rich Abu Dabai (CANNOT SPELL NAME OF A- RAB TOWNSES).
…from hence forth Henry Paulson will be known as “Bitch better have my MONEY!“
I just got preapproved for a WaMu credit card…
I sense a disturbance in the force.
What I learned from the nervous-man’s presser: The root of all of American problems lies in NOT allowing Goldman Sachs run the Treasury Department. I am working diligently to change that.
Let’s take it to Vegas and quadruple our money at the blackjack table.
Hank is pushing a new plan in Congress:
FiscallyUnsoundCurrencyKa-ka
these are not the dollars you’re looking for
I am hearing that 3/4 of the expenditures have gone to Hummel figurines. Not sure why.
shortsshortsshorts: They are easy to read. They want to assfuck you and give away 700 billion dollars.
I’m going to follow the AmEx example: I iz now bank. I can haz bailout?
Well, I’ve heard that the executives at ING are running out of whale caviar, gold-plated platypus-cream filled eclairs and diamond-encrusted baby bald eagle livers, why don’t we just send it to them?
Believe it or not, this may actually be a good thing.
Old plan: Taxpayers buy your worthless shit. (100% chance taxpayers get screwed.)
New plan: Taxpayers buy equity in your shitty company. YOU figure your shit out. (99% chance taxpayers get screwed, but at least they go down with us…)
how about burning the cash to heat the Treasury bldg?
pourmecoffee: I just glad they plan to bailout the Hummer industry. Help for financiers, bankers, insurance salesmen, mortgage brokers and taxmen is a good start, but we must leave no Career Asshole behind.
PoliTacky: AIG, fucker.
This is actually a good thing — instead of just buying these debt instruments that are probably not worth anything, the Treasury Department is getting more cash to the banks by buying part of the motherfucking banks. This in economic crisis lingo is called a “capital injection” rather than “partial nationalization of the banks” because the latter sounds socialistic and freaks people the fuck out. Of course, Paulson is a free marketeer and won’t use the leverage the US now owns in these institutions to change their behavior, but hopefully Hopey’s commie Treasurey Secretary will.
Sounds like someone in Washington (maybe a soon-to-be president?) said Paulson’s bailout for rich assholes wasn’t going to fix the economy and gave him the option of either doing it right, starting now or trying to head the Federal Reserve with a big bootprint on his ass. That’s TCOB I can believe in.
We are all flaming worthless dollars now.
Hank Paulson’s a Master of the Universe! Except when’s not.
We should have known something was up when it was revealed that Paulson’s Secret Service codename is “Ponzi”.
SayItWithWookies:
No doubt he did.
Probably he told Palsy that the next AG will be a pissed off fucked over ex client of Goldman Sachs. Do as I say or suffer the consequences.
Calm down, people! As long as your neighbors are slower than you and less heavily armed, there will always be abundant food and shelter and little need for actual money. Hopefully you’ve got enough neighbor stew to last through winter.
Boozeweek:
Old plan: Taxpayers buy just your worthless assets.
New Plan: Taxpayers buy equity in your worthless company. [Thereby buying your worthless assets and incurring your debt and liabilities.]
Translation: “We are making this up as we go. We hope our actions inspire confidence.”
Hmmm, Paulson not buying toxic asses. Does this mean Mark Foley won’t be getting bailed out? Or will we all soon be subsisting on Craig-Foley Hot Bottom, a tasty ‘merkin treat featuring a fresh double-turded turd-on-turd turd-wad?
Rumor has it the Republican party is adopting a new platform based upon the popularity of Truck Nutz. I recommend we invest the money in Truck Nutz.
Tommy Says Soooo: Burn, baby, burn. Fiscal inferno!
jesus fucking christ! these clowns cannot be gone soon efuckingnough
I would pay 50 flamin’ dollars and a can of pork ‘n beans to see Ponzi Paulson holding
up a pair of pink truck nutz at the podium.
Why do these corporate heads still have heads?
Cogito Ergo Bibo: That makes “flaming” work on two different levels. +2.
A Bush appointee lied to the American people? I’m shocked! Shocked, I tell you!
Yes, the credit card companies, who have been fucking stupid Americans (and there are a shitload of ‘em) with their rate increases to 28% when they are one day late with their payment, need a bailout after the executives paid themselves hundreds of millions of dollars and now have nothing left. Makes perfect sense.
Servo: Because revolution is so…..French.
SayItWithWookies: The thought makes me quiver with, eh, ah, nevermind. Paulson should probably go back to birding, though, fo shiz.
This is the biggest mugging of the taxpayers ever. In 2010 and 2012 vote against EVERYONE who voted for this toxic piece of shit. That includes Obama.
rev_matt_y: But that would only leave TruckNutz…oh…I see what you did there. Very clever!
Even if what King Henry pronounced today is better for us, it still makes me sick to hear about because it’s not what everybody-ish signed on for a month ago. We signed over shitloads of power and money to His Highness, and now he’s coming back and saying, “Ok, thanks. We’re not going to do what we said we’re going to do. [subliminal: psyche!!] We’re going to do this other thing and it’s going to be much more super-fun than that other super-fun idea you all agreed to.”
WTF???
In two weeks, The King will hold a press conference in which he announces that he is going to use the money our elected representatives gave him to bail out GM and Ford.
BTW: Most hilarious CNN front-page headline EVAR: http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2005-9/1071763/spcnnhead.jpg
ManchuCandidate: Paulson’s conclusion today:
“The road ahead, for the U.S. economy and the global economy, is full of challenges. And it will take strong leadership to address them. I am confident the United States, under this and the next Administration, will rise to these challenges. I will do everything I can to put us on the right path, both by working diligently through the end of my term and by working closely to ensure the smoothest possible transition.”
Translation:
After my talk with Rahm I decided to wait and see the effect of the bailout so far before possibly doing something rash. It should only take 70-some-odd days before the effect becomes clear.
When’s Hank going to give me some money?
What I want to know is what Congressman John Boner is raving about. Something like information on an additional $1 trillon that was handed out that didn’t need legislative approval. What is up with that? Is there any money left?
My mistake. @2 trillion. http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=20601087&sid=axpH4Qil0NT8&refer=worldwide
Cogito Ergo Bibo: Super Win!!!!!
This is the October surprise for Hopey.
Not a single cent of the 700bn will be released, and certainly not before jan 20th. Well, except for another couple hundred billions to AIG (who did Paulson sleep with and what does AIG know….).
Make the Economy Scream. Isn’t that what Nixon said regarding Chile in the arly 70s? I never thought it would be used here.
wow.
Sorry to get all serious.
Where’s my tin foil hat?
Servo: “Why do these corporate heads still have heads?”
They need something to keep their ass cheeks from touching.
Paulson just needs to finally snap and demand that the Gimongous Candy Jar goes to buy every damn one in America subscriptions to all the online porn they can, um, shake a stick at. Non-porn-obsessed ladies? All the state-of-the-art dildos you could ever dream of! Message: “The country can masturbate its way out of this crisis! FUCK the blackening clouds of utter doom–literally! It took plenty of jerks to get us on this precipice, and it’ll take plenty to get us off.”