Wonkette
So much news from doomed loser snowbilly Sarah Palin tonight! Her rogue campaign is going super-rogue, by, uh, getting her own investigator to release a new investigation saying that, actually, she did not abuse her power with the crazy obsession to fire her ex-brother-in-law, and oh, some local doctor sent a fax to Anderson Cooper or something, on Election Eve.
It’s all because of Andrew Sullivan — we are watching this, on the CNN! — and she is in great shape and surely had all those babies herself, even the magical new baby, and she is in good health to lose the GOP nomination in 2012 and maybe even 2016.
Also, Barack Obama is giving his last rally speech, in Virginia, and it is also on the CNN. [Chicago Tribune]
I’ve got 10 Whore Diamonds on Sarah Palin turning out to be 72 year’s old. Bring it.
There is a fucking billion people at this Obama rally. Maybe 10 billion.
Do they explain the source of Palin’s profound brain damage? I’m betting on huffing of paint thinner.
And still, Candy Crowley is nonplussed.
Dude, I totally cannot wait until the 2012 campaign starts up on Wednesday…
rambone: Retard sandwiches with a side of deep-fried paint chips as a child.
omg, she has webbed feet, OCTOBER SURPRISE, in november
Neon Trotsky: Don’t be ridiculous. They have Wednesday off. It officially start Thursday.
She once suffered from toxic megacolon. What’s worse, her colon is located in her cranium.
wait, no, she kinda seems plussed.
I love the Greenwood SC story!! He fessed up to having a sip of wine the night before the hour and a half trip to meet with 20 people in the middle of nowhere. It’s the “Fired Up, Ready To Go!!!” story. Oh I’m gonna cry cause the little ole lady makes him think of Toot I bet. He’s feelin’ kinda fired up, and ready to go…I love this man. “What one voice can do.”
Damn, that’s a good story. Oh, I can’t wait to have a president who can actually speak — much less inspirationally.
hobgoblin of little minds: I thought the brain damage was oxygen deprivation from her notorious bj’s - at least that’s what Levi told me…
Poor Andrew. He left strict orders to wake him when the medical records arrived, then took an Ambien and drifted off to a dreamless sleep. Won’t he be like a kid at Christmas tomorrow!
Diagnosis: She’s got an acute case of delusional psychosis. Oh wait, I read the med recs. wrong. She’s actually just a delusional psycho.
So how long until Gupta confirms that the number of pregnancies in the released summary was a typo?
The delay in medical records is that she has large tattoos both fore and aft that point orificeward and say “Drill, Baby, Drill”!
Weeping Jesus: He’ll be on Colbert Report tonight. Maybe Steve will inform him.
Too bad Candy Crowley was blah, blah, blahing over what sounded like an AWESOME speech by Hopey.
STFU Candy!
She has an insufficiently rare form of tunnel vision, which from time to time closes down into total blindness, known by the German name of “Gott mit uns.”
I was watching Barry work the rope line on C-Span after his VA rally. Those Secret Service dudes don’t like anyone touching Barry. One lady went to hug him & I thought they were going to gang tackle her. Guess you can’t blame them; who’d want to have his death/injury on their record.
Wait, did her Grandmother die today? No? Well then there is no way I can possibly vote for her now!
Things I will not miss about this campaign
a) Cindy McCain’s stepford appearance, at every rally
b) Joe the Bitter Plumber - 14:57, 14:58, 14:59…15:00
c) The words “Maverick”, “Russia”, “Trig” and “Earmark”
d) The Hannity’s and Coulter’s who fight a culture war that, for now, seems over (although it never dies)
e) Not seeing any black people at a McCain Rally
d) Lindsay Graham’s weekly weight gain
What I will miss is Caribou Barbie. She is the most fun a person can have without Kay-Y, Zoloft, Double Stuff Oreos or a proper edumacation.
This crap about the 2012 election starting on Wednesday or Thursday is crappy crap. The reason the 2008 election started so soon was because we couldn’t wait to get rid of the worst president that we’ve ever had, in America, in ever! Hopey will be slightly better, so it won’t start until Friday.
Fuck the medical records, I want the IQ test!
Obviously, she’s a man.
answerbird: Her score was “octagon”.
answerbird: The scoring chart doesn’t reach that low. They’re trying to find a different evaluation criteria, something along the lines of “what kind of tree would she be?”
Answer: Ivy (creepy, crawly, and if she manages to wrap herself around a once-sturdy trunk, she’ll strangle every bit of its life force out of it in her ambition to rise as high as she can… without realizing it’s the only thing propping her up into the light).
Rev. Juan MessyCan: And yes, I know Ivy is not a tree. She’s also not human.
ANy word on tanning bed-induced melanoma? Skin cancer is, of course, a scientifically proven symptom of Maverick-ism.
Hey what is this shit, I just went to CNN. It wasn’t her medical records, it only was a letter from her doctor. It didn’t even have her breast size. Turns out it was not even from a real doctor, it was from a faith healer from Africa.
CollegeStudent: No tanning bed melanoma, but she does have crabs, which she claims she got from a tanning bed.
Crab1: I thought it was Pi
To Whom It May Concern:
Despite the absence of a cerebral cortex, Gov. Palin is in remarkable health. She continues to give birth to children, both her own and her daughter’s, at a remarkable rate and without any noticeable side effects or visible evidence. I think she would make a fantastical vice president. Also, her knee bone’s connected to her something, her something’s connected to her red thing, her red thing’s connected to my wristwatch.
Best,
N. Riviera, M.D.
How do I vote a straight Muslim ticket? Anyone know?
There’s no mention of her being on psych meds. That explains a LOT.
http://www.bustergetmypills.com
answerbird: Oh damn! I guess the only thing that doofoos (Afrikaans for dork) can certify is that she’s 100%-witch-free. Her level of evil is even too toxic for Witch Infection - something even more fearsome than the biggest wet dreams of 15-year-old male “Satanists”.
If the retarded kid was really hers, do you think she’d still dress him up for Halloween as Dumbo?
It must have been hard to change every instance of Haldol into Midol.
McDarkseid and Palshit will go the way of the DODO BIRD.
Hagar7: “The symptoms you describe lead me to believe that you are suffering from bonus eruptus, a rare disorder in which the skeleton tries to jump out of the skin. The only way to stop it is through transdental electromicide. I’ll need a golf cart motor and a thousand volt capacimator, stat.”
Name Pun Phenh: Yes.
According to her records, she only has three 9s on her forehead.
There’s no cure for Fecal Encephalopathy
Tee Vee doesn’t help us interwebsfolk, Ken. I speak of those of us without elitist hobo-cable. I’ll go read the article OH WAIT IT DOES NOT EXIST.
Any truth to the rumors that she is physically like a Barbie doll, and actually spawns her children from pustules on her back?
Judging from that photo I’d say she suffers from elf-ear.
You know, Rush: I used to be amused by the bitch.
But today I heard her whiny entitled voice on the radio, and I reflexively responded, “Fuck you!”
Fuck her. Fuck all of ‘em. It’s time to go vote.
Name Pun Phenh: Oh my yes. Besides, if we’re going with your Dumbo connotation, wouldn’t it be just as wack to do that to the kid as his grandmother?
Scooter: and elf voice
slowhansolo: Finally I can put down my scalpel and stop demanding to see a quack!
Meh. We’re gonna miss Palin-bashin’ when she sells her Nieman Marxist clothes to hobos on eBay and goes back to huntin’ moose.
She gave us President Obama, the pundits will all say.
And we’ll hafta put the g’s in our ing’s again.
Darehead: I’m sure I can find another way to amuse myself. I refuse to speak in full _erunds.
Completely unrelated note:
John McCain ended his interview with Chris Berman on MNF saying about the first place Arizona Cardinals, “Hope springs eternal in the human breast.” What the F**K does that mean? And why is John McCain talking about breasts on teh teevees, has he gone rogue too?
Darehead: Never will I put my g’s in my ing’s. It would lose dramatic effect.
Crab1: Wait, are you saying that they also share dirty tanning beds in Wasilla?
Hagar7: Wonderful! How can she be missing so much essential stuff and still appear in full spleen?
Outside of the heart, is she pierced anywhere?
They left out all her abortions.
rambone: No. She was determined to be a Republican, so whenever she heard of a fact that undermined right-wing talking points, she hit herself in the head with a frying pan. You will see these pans used in her future rallies, as everyone will have frying pans handed out to thud themselves with every time Sarah utters something that proves her incompetence.
first results in from dixville notch NH — midnight tokers, midnight voters:
mccain, 6 … obama, 15 … nader, 0. guy said, “sorry ralph.”
in dixville they dress like it’s 1978. even their glasses smell like martina navratilova.
CollegeStudent: He’s plagerizing Alexander Pope. The more appropriate quote would of course been his one about fools rushing in…
OT: Obama wins first poll!!!
Barry just totally punked McCain in the Dixville Notch primary, 15 votes to 6. Our unicorn savior is about to make everything better!
WagTehGod: I love this Dixville shit. It is like taking your college class of 21 and pulling straws.
I can only hope the ratio holds!!!
But I know there’re a lot of ‘tards out there…
Darehead: Sadly, Sarah’s ego is going to take such a beating after she loses this thing, she’ll probably storm back up to AK and carry out a blitzkrieg against every, moose, wolf and bear that dares to cross her helicopter’s path.
shortsshortsshorts: Except I don’t think anyone’s hooking up with anyone afterward.
Hagar7: Glad you could join us, Doctor Neeeck.
WagTehGod:
That’s amazing as Dixville Notch traditionally went Republican.
Some strange place called Dixville Notch, NH apparently votes in midnight and they announce the result, so here is the vote tally: McCain: 6 votes, Nader: 0 votes; Hopey: 15 votes. If this is any indication we are headed to a landslide. WTF, how many people live in this place?
Crab1: This whole being a prick thing? You’re really good at it.
Can’t the woman just have consumption, like in an old Greta Garbo movie? And be taken back by dogsled to die in her meth castle by the lake? No, that would involve a modicum of class. Never mind.
wavingnotdrowning: sorry for the duplicate - I did not see your post. THis thing was new to me and I wanted to share.
Dreamer - I’m gonna go with 21…
Unindicted Co-Conspirator: As Dixville Notch goes…
answerbird: And I, personally, find that faith healer’s verdict that Palin is “free of all demonic influences” to be highly suspect. I’ll bet he’s not even accredited.
Thatcher: 75 people, 21 registered voters. They happen to include Ben Roethlisberger, Maxwell Smart, Minnie Mouse…
Fuck Candy Cow-ly
Hostile Michigander: Whatever do you mean? Universal Life Church is accredited… oh, he’s from Universal Leaf Church? Nevermind, those guys are hacks.
Almanor, California is about to decide the Presidential race. How does it feel for the rest of you who reside in ‘merica?
Thatcher: Maybe that is the worst turnout ever.
There were 800 billion people at the rally in fake Virginia. Someone should tell Obama that being over an hour late isn’t change we can believe in.
Dreamer: No, they expected 19 or 20, and they ended up with 21 (a last minute registration?).
I wonder if they hastily built the last booth (each person apparently gets their own).
DIXVILLE NOTCH, N.H.- in the tank for Barry!
MargeSimpsonsBlackFriend: Did he promise to fix infrastructure (i.e. roads)? Then he’s on it and he’ll fix it for the rest of us. He’ll just fly his Krypton sweet ass himself if he needs to come down there again..
pourmecoffee: RIght to left. Henh.
Mara47: Funny, that is how we ARE voting, no?
(E coast to W coast… Even repugnicans are voting leftie…)
Rev. Juan MessyCan: Of course he did! There will be new jobs or something and less hobos, yay! He tried to blame his lateness on “traffic at Dulles” or some shit. Whatevs, he’s about to be president (cross fingers_, maybe he can work on not sitting in traffic whether by land, sea or air…goddamnit it was kinda cold and they kept repeating the music and some twat on a saxophone played Man in the Mirror!
MargeSimpsonsBlackFriend: I didn’t know Michael Jackson had learned to play the sax.
I like that: more jobos less hobos!
Hi, everybody! As a real doctor with a Doctor degree from Hollywood Upstairs Medical College and the Mayo Clinic Correspondence School, I can say that Governor Palin has acute butt. And also acute trauma to the frontal cortex thingy, resulting in blurred vision and general discombobulation.
As a fellow escapee from Wasilla, I can say with authority that crazy christian bitches in the north need to STFU. Hi Mom!
She has “Herpes”, but it won’t show cause it’s not flaming right now.
Surprise! I just received a copy of the official medical records. But what confused me is that it’s signed by William Krystol, Rich Lowry, Fred Barnes and MATT DRUDGE!!!!!! And there’s a big red stamp across the examination sheet that says, “VETTED”.
I didn’t get her whole medical record, but I got this by registered mail.
Dear XXXXXXXX,
The Alaska Department of Public Health believes you may have been exposed to a serious, sometimes fatal, illness, in connection with your association with Governor S…. State confidentiality law prohibits disclosure of this person’s full name.
Please call at your convenience, but within seven days, for a free screening for HIV, tetanus, and schizophrenia. The results will be known only to you, number XXXX. If treatment is required, you will be given mukluks, and a running start.
Cool. I shall toast her health while she’s on her flight back to Alaska, and wish that she’ll be a wellspring of political humor for years to come. Tina Fey needs the work.
Sarah Palin is sick of meanness and high prices at the pump. She’s sick of being told what to do by bald men (or balding men), blonde drug addicts, and people who could be her children (and probably are). She’s sick of consignment clothes now that she’s bought something other than a wardrobe from Members Only. Mainly she’s sick of droppin-g her g’s from every word she speaks and sounding like a Snowbilly. For a secret reader of the New York Times, the New Yorker and the Advocate (Todd gets it), she’s sick of having to betray her class. This campaign has worn on her and, frankly, she’s glad that old man isn’t going to win and knows it’s going to be difficult to even get re-elected as AK’s Governor.
That’s her medical history. She’s sick and tired of running a sick and tired campaign. Home. Home. Home.
implants.
Honestly, I wiss miss her like the burn I used to get everytime I peed.
We dated briefly, and yes, she gave me the clap.
That’s why they waited to release her records. Everytime she says
“Drill baby, drill”, it takes me back.
Memories…..
Before Pope Benedict came to America to celebrate Mass in New York and Washington, it was revealed that as a young boy in Germany he had had a cousin with Down Syndrome. One day a Nazi doctor came and claimed his cousin for the Third Reich. Taken to be “cared for” at the “hospital” young Karl Ratzinger never saw his cousin again: one of the host of “useless eaters” marked for extermination by that brutal regime.
My wife and I operate St. Joseph’s House, a daycare and respite care home for handicapped children. As it happened one of the children we care for, a wheelchair bound young lady, was chosen along with three other handicapped folks to carry the gifts up to the altar before the consecration at the Mass at Nationals Stadium in Washington D.C. on April 17, 2008. One of these was James, a 30ish man who works in the Officer’s Club at Andrews AFB. James has Down Syndrome. He was chosen to carry the large host which would become the Body of Christ lifted up before the assembled. As James with great ceremony advanced toward the Pope, his native enthusiasm overcame his reserve and he started to run. Simultaneously the Holy Father leapt from his chair and walked towards James with his arms outstretched. We have a picture of this moment which I cannot look at without tearing up. What did he see as he gazed so lovingly at James? I believe he saw his cousin. I believe he saw the face of Jesus. And I believe that his great prayer as he elevated that host on that impossibly beautiful day was “As long as you did to these the least of my brethren, you did it to Me.”
The next day April 18th, a boy was born to of all people, the Governor of Alaska. They named him Trig.