Wonkette
Many independent voters in this election have had a particular lingering fear about Obama, and we’re not talking about him being black, Muslim, communist, socialist, gay, elitist, Palestinian, the Anti-Christ, French, well educated, a child molester, Hitler, Stalin, sexist, “uppity” or a magical space demon. It is about him being Hawaiian, which is NOT A STATE unless you think *pineapples* deserve their own state. Cokie Roberts tried to discuss this over the summer but got mocked by a bunch of mean liberals. But now it’s not very funny, is it, douchebags, since Barry Obama will usher in a wave of pineapples to Rule Washington in his flowery new homosexual government.
First, the Democrats are taking away a leadership position from the best senator in the history of… just IN HISTORY, Joe Lieberman of Connecticut. Now some of you people have concerns over Joe Lieberman, principally that he is a virgin (he’s 66 years old; you’d think he’d have had sex by now, right?) and that his body is composed entirely of toxic rat shit. But at least it’s not composed of *pineapples,* which is what Barry Obama’s government proposes as a replacement:
Democratic leaders are discussing a major reshuffling of Senate committee chairmanships, according to multiple sources, and the proposed changes include ousting Sen. Joe Lieberman (I-Conn.) from his coveted chairmanship.
Lieberman, a former Democrat who supports Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) for president, is likely to lose his gavel on the Homeland Security Committee he has chaired since January 2007, say the sources who see him being replaced by Sen. Daniel Akaka (Hawaii), the committee’s third-ranking Democrat.
More troubling is the other “proposed change” on the all-powerful Senate Appropriations Committee, which CONTROLS ALL MONEY. Well, we suggest everyone invest in Dole *Pineapple* Farm stock now, because that is where literally every communist dollar will go after Obama and the Hawaiians’ poisoning of old racist Robert Byrd finally does the trick.
The shift also hinges on Sen. Robert Byrd (D-W.Va.) stepping down as chairman of the powerful Appropriations Committee, which aides say is included in the proposed changes. Sen. Daniel Inouye (D-Hawaii) would replace him. Byrd, who turns 91 in November, has been hospitalized three times this year and some have questioned if he is capable of leading the committee.
God forbid the New York Times or Washington Post ever point out these evil *pineapple* plots; they might hurt the chances of “The One.”
Sen. Lieberman likely to lose his gavel in massive reshuffle being discussed [The Hill]
Dear Hopey,
Please deliver that which you have promised.
And please don’t fuQ this up.
Sincerely,
Q2
IF THIS MEANS I HAVE TO FLY TO HAWAII INSTEAD OF DC ON BUSINESS, SIGN ME THE HELL UP!
Hot diggity dog and other suchlike phrases.
This is very, very bad. I’m allergic to pineapples.
Q2: PS: Please send pineapples. They’re yummy.
I prefer being ruled by Hawai’i than having John McCain rule me from Panama.
Why is *pineapple* written with enclosing asterisks?
Daniels is nice, but that governess Linda Lingle not so much. Still, she did write the children’s classic, “A Wrinkle In My Secret Girlfriend’s Labia.”
Why all the asterisks? They’re like little starbursts in my pants… on WONKETTE!
I think Connecticut should be kicked out of the Union and the United States should gradually migrate westward.
The Son of a Luau Tribesman.
Monkey: Obama made me do it.
oh please oh please oh please.
this all will make unemployment all the tastier.
/drinking vodka & pineapple
As long as they don’t make the US America Anthem, the theme from Hawaii 5-0 and make the official food, Poi then I don’t see how bad things could get.
First it was fluoridation. Next, secret pina coladas in the drinking water.
Will Pineapples be the new Reagan Cheese?
I didn’t know Muslins is from Hawaitia. He’s a Haiwaitian! Don’t they have the diseases and such?
Please please please let this mean that the new Obama Hawaiian government will be distributing bright, colorful flowing muu-muus for all!
whoa!! Akaka rhymes with macaca
it all makes perfect sense now
carerer: Hey, some of us Connecticutians voted for Ned Lamont in the primary! Of course now that he thinks billionaires turning into mere millionaires = Katrina that also seems like not the best thing. BUT STILL.
Akaka is a senile old fuck who does whatever his aides tell him. Inouye, though senile, is a different story. In Hawaii, he is known as the “one armed bandit.” To make matters worse, everyone in Washington is afraid of him because of his deep connections with the CIA.
Da braddas like run da kine gov’ment. Ho cuz, pass da pakalolo.
Huh. Today marks the first day in which I have eaten pineapple in MONTHS. It’s in the sour Cambodian soup that I randomly ordered today. COINCIDENCE?
Yes.
Lieberman’s just pissed because he’s going to lose his coveted gavel that he’s been stroking for way too long to a couple of brown furners named Akaka and Inouye.
Monkey: Hairy Reed:
Because they have pointy thingys which prick - like pineapples.
BTW Jim, you forgot to mention Barry is also a product of Madame Pele which makes him a pagan.
I don’t like *pineapples* but I look forward to having hula chicks next to Obama interpreting his speeches through liberal, socialist dancing.
One thing for sure: if Obama and the Dems win big, the Akaka bill, which provides all sorts of elite status to native Hawaiians, will pass. I was told by a native Hawaiian activist, that when they get sovereignty, they will let me keep my house. Which is nice of them.
So, buy stocks in:
1) Campbell’s Soup
2) GUNS
3) Pineapple
Sell:
1) Everything else
Got it!
Does this mean that all citizens receiving a tax break under an Obama plan would be obligated to use the money to vacation in Hawaii?
ManchuCandidate: I wish the National Anthem was the theme from Hawaii 5-0. Ba ba ba bum baaa bum. Ba ba ba ba bummmmm. Ba ba ba ba BA bum. Ba ba ba ba bum! Ba booty doody doodily do. Ba booty doody doodily DO. Ba ba BA bum. Ba ba ba ba bummmmm.
Joe Lieberman will produce a sex tape to refute these mean spirited claims of elder virginity.
I have every respect for Obama, but Dog the Bounty Hunter just doesn’t have the experience to head up the CIA.
I’ve been to Hawaii several times. The real danger, which is being ignored here, isn’t the pineapples, it’s the poi. God help us.
Does this mean that mandatory reruns of “Magnum PI” can be far behind?
Just wait until he appoints the Trask sisters to the Supreme Court.
Question of scale though: Hawaii’s current budgetary problem is just $1 billion deficit, and that’s not like, heck, an afternoon’s worth of spending at Halliburton.
He could probably DOUBLE Hawaii’s state budget by cutting a month out of Florida’s agro-sugar subsidies.
lampadadog: I’m feeling the economic stimulus already. ROAD TRIP!
el_chupacabra: Vodka and *pineapple* sounds GREAT right now.
You know this means that the national language will be pidgin.
As my old rabbi used to say, “I koolua nou I kahi mehemeha.”
Meanwhile, would somebody please break the ice on the “getting lei’d” jokes??
Kev-O-Tron: No talk stink about da braddas, eh.
One Yield Regular: I can see it now: Haunani as Secretary of Alii Affairs, and Princess of Kanakastan.
magic titty: The problem is that the tape will only lead to his new nickname… Joe the Stroker.
Book ‘em Dano.
Paris Hilton has already promised to move Camp David to Maui:
http://www.swaghousemedia.com/main.html
lampadadog:
No. Each US American taxpayer gets a one pound package of Macadamia Nuts.
Sen. Akaka? If only he was at that fated Sen. George Allen campaign event in 2006. “I didn’t say Maccaca… I was referring to the good Senator from Hawaii.” Allen runs and wins nomination. Virginia stays blue. And BAM! The wingnuts keep the White House.
Oh, but think of all the fabulous pina coladas! And everyone would finally get lei’d.
The House Appropriations Committee controls all money, ya can’t fool me. Senate Appropriations is like kissing your aunt with too much lipstick and perfume. The bill comes over from the House and the committee comes rushing up it, “You remember me, don’t you!?!” Then she gets to mark it up a little bit before the House says “okay” and it gets through. The Congressional process is like a hellishly large bar mitzvah.
renttoowncoitus: God: let it be. My sobriety is becoming ever more tedious.
I’ll never look at Hawai’i the same after reading Hunter Thompson’s “The Curse of Lono.” Like my buddy Mr. Zevon sang…
I saw her leave the luau
With the one who parked the cars
And the fat one from the swimming pool
They were swaying arm in arm
I could hear the ukuleles playing
Down by the sea
She’s gone with the hula hula boys
She don’t care about me
She’s gone with the hula hula boys
She don’t care about me
They’re singing,
Ha’ina ‘ia mai ana ka puana
Ha’ina ‘ia mai ana ka puana
Ha’ina ‘ia mai ana ka puana
Ha’ina ‘ia mai ana ka puana
Eh, I really think that they are playing the Muslim card more than the pineapple one.
http://www.forbes.com/feeds/ap/2008/10/29/ap5621630.html
Blah blah blah Khalidi. For fuck’s sake, isn’t it possible to be friends with someone and disagree completely with their stance on an issue?
I have no respect for stupid Hawaiians after they let the Germans bomb Pearl Harbor. Pacifist wankers.
also, all letters except for a, e, i, o, u, h, k, l, m, n, p and w are going to be outlawed
magic titty: OH DEAR CHRIST DON’T SAY THAT!!! Not enough mental bleach in the world to get that image out of my head.
This means President Obama will have to return to the Hawaiian pineapple farm each summer to clear brush from the pineapple fields. And no more state of the union addresses - instead we’ll have a big luau and surf competition.
ManchuCandidate: You got something against the theme from Hawaii 5-0? Can’t you just imagine all those cheerleaders shakin’ their booties during the National Anthem? You must be using the handle ManchuCandidate to hide the fact that you’re Lynn Cheney. I’m also looking forward to free coconut candies for all.
If they want to get things done in Washington they should move it someplace crappy like Alaska.
ManchuCandidate: Ah but no! The official food will be grilled ono (and official drink the Mai-Tai) and we’ll all be singing the new national anthem - Israel Kamakawiwo’ole’s version of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” - at the annual Hopey Bowl.
Well, then maybe Joe the Jew will finally get lei’d. (Sorry, I know it was not funny but couldn’t resist.)
*flowery new homosexual government*
Sounds like the new Axe Body Spray scent.
Oooo. And Spam. Spam is big in Hawaii.
E aho a laula.
Min: Ooh, sorry–didn’t see that you’d already done the *ahem* lame lei’d joke.
So, does this mean Pineapple is going to be the first fruit for the nation?
P.S. I am watching Nora O’Donnell at MSNBC and Bill Burton totally looks like an Arab. Are we sure that’s even his real name. He looks like my Moroccan buddy Sa’ad.
NegativeZero: And probably *SPAM* as well, they love the *SPAM*…
Lieberman is going to be lucky if he’s got anyone to eat lunch with him, besides Grampy. Both sides have plenty of reason to be pissed the hell off at him. So it’ll just be sad, pruny little Lieberman spooning in soft, fiber-rich meals with his BFF, McAngry, while all the cool kids eat ice cream and pizza across the room a;; openly mocking them.
It’ll basically be high school for grownups.
Dreamer: I noticed that, too. I think Barry likes fellow half & halfers (half white & half Kenyan/muslin/brown-ish).
As long as they’re not those sucky newfangled “Gold” pineapples. I haven’t been able to taste the old kind since the mid 90s apart from the odd trip to Mexico. What I’m trying to say is I’m desperately afraid of (genetically modified) Big Pineapple.
Congress has always been high school for grownups. It should have it’s own musical and all of us would pay money that we can’t afford to go see that shit.
StripesAndPlaids: Curse you slow Wonkette!
Lieberman will not be in a Tiny Bubble, but alas, a rather large one, sing about that Ho…
Sussemilch: Way better weather than Alaska. Sign me up as a lobbyist, ‘K? For what? Who gives a fuck if it means I get to go lobby in HI six or eight times a year. The diving off Kona is #1!
Texan Bulldoggette: S’okay. You can’t have too many lame lei’d jokes.
ManchuCandidate: Jack Lord had the harriest hands ever on teevee. We could sure use his expertise now: ‘Steve McGarrett, head of an elite four-man state police unit investigating “organized crime, murder, assassination attempts, foreign agents, felonies of every type.”‘
http://gohawaii.about.com/cs/hawaii_radio/a/jack_lord.htm
Does this mean we call politicians slippers instead of flip flops?
President Beeblebrox: Huh. I’ll see your Zevon and raise you a Jehu:
Wait for the rubout
Wait for the purge
Wipe the last haole
The fuck off our turf
aloha! aloha! suit up!
luau! luau! luau! luau!
kill off the tourists and we’ll all sleep sound
cash in their fillings & blow it in town
we’ll blow it on rifles, we’ll blow it on drinks,
head in the corner, head in the sink
First it was Clinton with his Arkansas mafia, then Bush with his Texas mafia. Wake me when they elect somebody from New Jersey.
Cogito Ergo Bibo: So who’s gonna say to him flamboyantly: your never eat lunch in this town again? I don’t see Harry Reed doing that.
After reading all these comments, I’m kinda sad the Tiki style restaurant craze died.
I’m suddenly hungering for Fire Pit Roasted Pork, Mai Tais and Pineapples.
Texan Bulldoggette: I am calling my fried Sa’ad in Montreal to check if “Bill Burton” is his older brother he’s always bragging about.
Rush: I will not “book ‘em” thank you very much. Anyway, who knew at the beginning of this thing that we’d have to choose between a Hawaiian and Alaskan as our new overlord?
Does this mean new earmarks for studying teh effects of spam farts?
Oh noes!
Min: Today, we will all get lei’d!
I will support my President, even if it means switching from G ‘n’ Ts to Mai Tais.
Together! Yes We Can!
NoWireHangers: I’m down with this as long as it’s the Grambling Marching Band doing the official version.
StrangelyBrown: I LOL’ed.
Outstando: North Louisiana?
Now that Teddy Stevens is on the way out…Danny “One Armed Bandit” Inouye is probably the most corrupt earmark queen in the Senate this side of…uhm…oh yeah, Robert Byrd! Way to keep things classy, Harry Reid. Prospects for 2010 are looking about as bright as shit.
I wouldn’t mind getting lei’ed by Obama! Lei’ed?! Get it!?
As Wo Fat’s decades long plot to control the world finally comes to fruition will Steve McGarett and Dano return from the dead to save us all?
You won’t be laughing when he makes Experiment 626 head of the Department of Urban Development.
Michelle Rodruiguez woulda been a bitchin’ Veep.
I woke up this morning in an alley smelling vaguely of pina colada with a backwards “P” carved into my face. Thank you for clarifying what happened to me.
Both Hawaiian Senators are Daniels, 84 years old, and merely four days apart in age.
Now how ’bout that!