FAIL  12:46 pm October 27, 2008

Triple-Digit Dow Decline Reversed On News Of 4,000 Cheap New Homes Sold, A Month Ago, Before The Financial Collapse

by Ken Layne

Your new model home!Sometimes the stock market is more “faith based” than a mall-church full of unemployed white trash. The Dow did a triple-digit plunge this morning, because the world is actually ending, especially the “making money” part, but it suddenly did a 200-point turnaround on month-old data suggesting a whole 4,000 heavily marked-down new homes sold in September, before the complete collapse of all American and Global stock markets. What?

This is how desperate investors are for any kind of good news, and it’s tough to blame them for wanting a little positive sign we might be somewhere near the bottom. But they’re still stupid.

We can blame all sorts of idiots, con-artists, bad morals, clueless “consumers” and a basic rottenness at the diseased heart of America — for example, the fifth installment of an infantile yet gruesome torture pornography movie called “Saw,” as in “sawing up alive people while they scream,” topped the weekend box office alongside a live-action Disney movie about an idealized nation where American kids are attractive, wealthy and speak in adult sitcom sentences.

But mostly, we can blames housing. Your greater issue might be an addiction to dirty whores, but first you need the penicillin to kill the syphilis, before it kills you.

So even a 2.7% uptick in new-construction (or “houses built two years ago and still sitting empty”) housing sales should be super good news, right? That means there are only 394,000 vacant never-lived-in tract homes in America instead of 398,000! It’s a Halloween Miracle!

The prices are also down to four-years-ago prices, and these places are only moving with huge piles of “incentives” that would make the prices much lower if people were asked to pay for all the faux-fancy add-on crap developers used to make an extra 20% on, like those ghetto granite countertops and tacky window coverings and landscaping and even free swimming pools.

The regional numbers follow the resale numbers released last week: In the battered West, there are bigger increases in sales as house prices have dropped as much as 40% this year. In the rest of the country, sales are still way down or flat. (Nobody buys a house in the Northeast even when times are pretty good, because everyone is in their heating-oil hobbit hole until Bill Murray rescues the groundhog from Pennsylvania bitters after Barack Obama declares same-sex socialism for all.)

But it doesn’t matter, as this tiny positive number is barely 1% of the national inventory of empty tract homes that will probably all fall apart and blow away before America comes out of its Great Big Depression.

These sales happened in September, before the country was even in official recession territory, and before the spectacular collapse of capitalism that capped off 18 months of slow-boiling real estate/credit/investment/insurance/securities crises. Who knows if those 4,000 new “homeowners” even made their first payment?

Can you imagine anybody putting whatever cash they might have left down on a house this month?

UPDATE 1-US Sept new homes sales up; inventory, prices fall [Reuters]

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Hola wonkerados.

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PoliticalGraffiti October 27, 2008 at 12:48 pm

sometimes, i like to sit and watch the Dow Jones plunging as a source of entertainment

jinmoom October 27, 2008 at 12:49 pm

Who wants to bet that all those new homes are in newly developed exurbs?

JeffGoldblum October 27, 2008 at 12:49 pm

I’m so over the stock market it is NOT EVEN FUNNY!! I’m also over the economy in general. And money, LIKE IT IS NOT EVEN FUNNY.

spencer October 27, 2008 at 12:51 pm

Just wait until the Commerce Dept. starts counting pickle barrels with suspenders as “housing.” BUY BUY BUY.

Rush October 27, 2008 at 12:53 pm

Off topic Mr. Layne, but can we have something this week in terms of the “Best of Sarah” or some shit like that. Like one last song from the band before the Titanic sinks forever in an icy cold place. By next February, she’ll just be another pregnant GILF.

choinski October 27, 2008 at 12:53 pm

Sometimes I think the stock market is that moody girlfreind who throws a fit no matter what you do. Forget to pass a bailout bill? Plunge 800 points. Pass the bailout bill? Plunge again, because this time you didn’t mean it. Jump 500 points in make up sex, but only to set you up for a 700 point slump because Britain took its market out for dinner and USA didn’t.


Mara47 October 27, 2008 at 12:53 pm

I’m putting mine in parnsip futures. That’s the last crop left in my veggie garden that my husband and I haven’t yet not starved on.

NoWireHangers October 27, 2008 at 12:54 pm

I this picture makes me sad in a way that the usual “hobo beans” pictures never do.

choinski October 27, 2008 at 12:54 pm

I like to log in at 3:45 to watch all the robots panic sell / buy.

Serolf Divad October 27, 2008 at 12:54 pm

Next year we’ll see this headline: “DOW Doubles, to 112, on news that Ray’s Auto Emporium moved a, F150, two Camrys and a Focus.”

slappypaddy October 27, 2008 at 12:55 pm

Statistically insignificant. But playing with yo-yos kills the time while falling off the precipice.

ManchuCandidate October 27, 2008 at 12:56 pm

The market is still in denial. They still bitterly cling to the belief that the Invisible Hand is really Ayn Rand’s and still capable of giving hand jobs instead of the harsh reality of Alan Greenspan sandpaper covered fist (named “Exuberance”) being shoved up their collective asses.

voyetra8 October 27, 2008 at 12:56 pm

FWIW, this is really a great buying opportunity if you can stomach staying in for the next 10 years or so. You know, the whole “buy low / sell high” nonsense. Whatever.

Moving on, does anyone have any idea on how to stop the scumbags that are stealing Obama signs in my neighborhood? Webcams suck because the resolution is piss poor, and you can’t identify anyone. I’d love some sort of “shaming” if possible. Please advise.

Dave J. October 27, 2008 at 12:57 pm

I’m so sick of that hobo and his elitist red cart. And look at him wearing TWO jackets! He’s the Sarah Palin of the hobocracy. Asshole.

Styrofoam Boots October 27, 2008 at 12:57 pm

GREAT NEWS EVERYONE: another couple years of global warming and we can all live outside!!!

golliwog October 27, 2008 at 12:57 pm

Goes to show people still believe Rich Dad, Poor Dad investing swindles.

JeffGoldblum October 27, 2008 at 12:59 pm

I presume Barack Obama is going to fix all this on like, day one, yes?

S.Luggo October 27, 2008 at 12:59 pm

Meanwhille, sales of surplus electronic voting machines and provisional ballots are through the roof in Florida and Ohio.

shortsshortsshorts October 27, 2008 at 1:02 pm

[re=150460]Serolf Divad[/re]: Ray’s Auto Emporium will also receive a bailout.

TGY October 27, 2008 at 1:03 pm

Lemmings, I say. Lemmings.

qwerty42 October 27, 2008 at 1:04 pm

[re=150457]Mara47[/re]: Parsnips? aren’t those white carrots? jeeze. do they taste like carrots? or just like some root you dug up? hell, i’ve got privet roots I’m getting rid of. cripes. i’ll be grateful for rutabaga before this is over. Maybe I should read The Siege of Leningrad Cookbook. All kinds of stuff there. shoes. briefcases. dirt.

SayItWithWookies October 27, 2008 at 1:04 pm

Bah — it’s a well-established fact that nobody knows what the cause of day-to-day stock market fluctuations is. When people explain why the Dow goes up or down on a particular day (much less a particular hour) they’re really just picking the most credible post hoc explanation out of a hat. I program computers for a living, and I’ll guarantee you some percentage of every market fluctuation is due to bad code: The Dow dropped 400 points today, mostly because some bastard who wrote an arbitrage program passed a string variable to a subroutine that was looking for an integer. Try fixing that with an investment bank bailout.

CorkPopper October 27, 2008 at 1:06 pm

I must take issue with the first sentence of this post. Because it clearly implies that “sometimes”, the market behaves in a purely rational fashion. When obviously it has all the rationality and cool decisionmaking abilities of a toddler after a couple of Cokes and no nap for 14 hours.

Mumble Softly October 27, 2008 at 1:06 pm

[re=150464]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Thats some macro analysis one doesnt see everyday.
Just remember I called bottom today (with the option for three re’dos)

Servo October 27, 2008 at 1:09 pm

We can all thank Richard M. Nixon for chucking the Bretton Woods Agreement out the window and starting the Big Bang of imaginary money.

Neon Trotsky October 27, 2008 at 1:10 pm

Oh come on, Ken! I think we all know that the success of the fifth iteration of a torture porn film at the box office is a sign of a healthy society…

Little Blue Dune Buggy October 27, 2008 at 1:10 pm

Our hilarious bi-polar market just saw a puppy outside its window and was distracted long enough to stop thinking of misery and sorrow.

But soon its iTunes will cycle over to a gloomy goth song and then it’s back to cutting itself.

Vewol Mevemont October 27, 2008 at 1:11 pm

Look naysayers, Lawrence Yun said the housing crisis is over. He said that in 2006, so it’s been over for two years. And again in 2007, so it’s been super over for one year. Needless to say, the housing market is looking great!

freakishlystrong October 27, 2008 at 1:14 pm

So it should all be trickling down any minute then?

Worlds End October 27, 2008 at 1:17 pm
PopeyesPipe October 27, 2008 at 1:17 pm

“A basic rottenness at the diseased heart of America”: so true.

I volunteer a couple times a week to teach writing to a second grade class. Today, one of the kids was telling me all about how he watched Saw V last night. As best as I can tell, his parents are using his little broken brain like a vomit rag.

On the plus side, after the new great depression kicks in, we’ll be harvesting America’s idiot surplus for food.

Gopherit October 27, 2008 at 1:18 pm

Don’t fret, Ken. The traders and investors will let the recession panic that killed the asian markets earlier hit them before end of day. Irrational Exuberance cannot overcome the realization that you will be living in a refrigerator box by Xmas.

Am I the only one who wishes they could kick this guy’s ass?

S.Luggo October 27, 2008 at 1:20 pm

[re=150508]Vewol Mevemont[/re]: I’ll have whatever Larry’s smoking.

queeraselvis v 2.0 October 27, 2008 at 1:23 pm

I’m of the opinion that the market swings in accordance with Ben Bernanke’s daily stool samples. Mind you, someone really should tell him to lay off of the Golytely.

Servo October 27, 2008 at 1:27 pm

Considering Tard Nation has blood made of pasteurized processed cheese, I’ll pass.

Worlds End October 27, 2008 at 1:27 pm

[re=150516]PopeyesPipe[/re]: How old was that kid they let watch Saw V? Also i look forward to our soylent green fallout 3 like future.

Worlds End October 27, 2008 at 1:29 pm

[re=150533]Servo[/re]: On that thought i change my mind.

PopeyesPipe October 27, 2008 at 1:30 pm

[re=150534]Worlds End[/re]: Just seven, but with the mind of a six-month-old meth addict.

assholette October 27, 2008 at 1:32 pm

Breaking: same sex socialist poopshooter Punxsutawney Phil to wed super sexy Secret Squirrel in an overly overt orgy of ample alliteration

PJ October 27, 2008 at 1:34 pm

My son’s in Korea, teaching English to elementary school kids.

The Korean government reimbursed him for his plane ticket in won, but they’ve been devalued, so it didn’t cover the cost of the ticket, so I needed to front him some American dollars to cover the rest.

I’m subsidizing the Korean government’s teaching THEIR kids English.

Those are some very clever people.

Worlds End October 27, 2008 at 1:43 pm

[re=150554]PJ[/re]: Yes they are indeed

4tehlulz October 27, 2008 at 1:48 pm

[re=150538]PopeyesPipe[/re]: Thank you for making me feel like the bestest parent ev4r. Jesus fucking Christ.

Ken Layne October 27, 2008 at 2:04 pm

[re=150516]PopeyesPipe[/re]: Oh my fucking god …

darbyogill October 27, 2008 at 2:47 pm

I am actually one of those tards who bought a house in September, can you believes it?! I think first-time buyers are THE ONLY demographic benefitting from the collective economic shit the planet is taking, because we don’t have to unload one valueless property in order to buy a different one.

sandwichman October 28, 2008 at 12:40 am

It’s more like THREE HUNDRED AND THIRTY THREE houses because the figure is an ANNUALIZED one — in other words X times 12!

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