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  • BARRY BUYS ALL TELEVISION CHANNELS: The Obama campaign is trying to buy 30 minutes of primetime on every major teevee network for October 29. (Fox is hesitant because it is showing a “baseball game” that night.) So expensive, no? Maybe he will finally unveil that secret video of Cindy McCain calling everyone “blackey” at Jeremiah Wright’s church. [The Live Feed]

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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Terry

    No, it will show Hopey standing there with his gorgeous family, them all perfectly dressed and glowing with goodness. They can leave it to McCain to make himself look bad.

  • InsidiousTuna

    This election is running out of humor. I just want it to be November 4th already.

  • V572625694

    There is nothing wrong with your television set. Do not attempt to adjust the picture. We are controlling transmission. If we wish to make it louder, we will bring up the volume. If we wish to make it softer, we will tune it to a whisper. We will control the horizontal. We will control the vertical. We can roll the image, make it flutter. We can change the focus to a soft blur or sharpen it to crystal clarity. For the next hour, sit quietly and we will control all that you see and hear. We repeat, there is nothing wrong with your television set. You are about to participate in a great adventure. You are about to experience the awe and mystery which reaches from the inner mind to… That One.

  • tunamelt

    It’s probably just him teaching us math.

  • charrington

    October 29th? Ya think we’ll still have TV by then?

  • El Kabong

    perot time! is teh awesome!

  • Dientes

    Happy Barry Hope Time! Yay!

  • nurple

    Actually, he will endear himself to America by rerunning the Married With Children pirate-ship episode.

  • facehead

    [re=128464]tunamelt[/re]: Right after he teaches our 5 year olds how to use condoms.

  • tunamelt

    Nothing important ever happens on 10/29…

  • ManchuCandidate

    Video Killed the McCain Campaign

  • CrabtreesBludgeon

    And so it begins. The black man is finally taking over – run whitey run!!

  • Texan Bulldoggette

    Wouldn’t it be funny if it was just a continuous loop of Walnuts’s gaffes/misspeaks: I’ll veto every beer, my fellow prisoners, we’ll give baby’s hot bottled water, the infamous lime green ‘that’s not change we can believe in’ speech, all his flip flops & temper tantrums. Landslide….

  • 2druk2phluq

    That’s when it will be announced that he is the Kwisatz Haderach. Barack will become known as a killing word from that moment on. All followers of teh Walnuts will wet themselves at the same time (an event that will be known as the great wettening). It will be followed by an after party with arugala, Frappucino and Wonkettinis.

  • GleepGlop

    The World Series will be all wrapped up by then when the Rays (young, mostly black, terrorist affiliated) defeat the Phillies (embarrassing themselves on the national stage for countless decades) in 4 games

    … see what I did there?

  • Miller

    Forget buying blocks of time, Barack should just be the wacky black neighbor on each sitcom. He comes in, has a zinger about health care and old people, then walks off. For the 10 o’clock hour he can either be a ghost that is whispering, a defendant, or prosecutor.

  • LeastValuablePlayer

    Maybe he’ll air this short before the main program:

    I’d tune in!

  • tunamelt

    [re=128480]tunamelt[/re]: That would have been more effective with a link.

    [re=128479]facehead[/re]: And in California, they will learn about GAY MARRIAGE!

  • nurple

    Please, WALNUTS!, bring back the sound truck!

  • tunamelt

    [re=128489]GleepGlop[/re]: I’m sorry, but viva los Doyers!

  • SuperRounder

    It’s ok, but you folks are really going to be impressed when WALNUTS! brings bin Laden’s head to front door of the White House on November 3.

  • TGY

    All Barry all the time!

  • sarcasticusername

    is he going to reassure white folks that he doesn’t intend to paint the white house black, or name rappers to cabinet posts, and that his final trick won’t be enslave the white race? he’d better not cap that off by proclaiming that he loves white people, because we all know that would mean he loves only white women.

  • 2druk2phluq

    Walnuts got gay married to Keating:

    The Washington Times reports that in 1986, John McCain wrote a note on House stationery to Charles Keating, chairman of a failed savings and loan association who went to prison in the late 1980s. In the letter, McCain apologized for listing Keating as part of his Senate campaign finance committee. Keating wrote in response: “You can call me anything, write anything or do anything. I’m yours till death do us part“.

    That’s from not funny Think Progress

  • GleepGlop

    [re=128499]SuperRounder[/re]: I thought he was waiting until January 20th to unveil his secret plan?

  • Worlds End

    [re=128466]charrington[/re]: We will most likely burning them for warmth

  • Gopherit v2.0
  • NoWireHangers

    Ooooh. Sounds like a delicious half hour of Hope. I wonder what tricks he has up those sexy sleeves. Brainwash us, Barry! Make us your minions!

  • Worlds End

    [re=128485]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Don’t forget Abe Simpson getting lost on stage.

  • WhatTheHeck

    Obama’s just using the capital we invested in him… wisely. He’s the new, fresh prince of Bel Aire.

    See, IrishEyes, I’m not all doom and gloom today.

  • azw88

    Truth is, Fox doesn’t want to sell to Barry, because if they do, they will have to CHARGE Johnny-Mac for some air time, instead of giving him his hours and hours of free publicity every day

  • sarcasticusername

    how disrespectful of barry to throw around money buying up air time, so he can do a special where he frolics in a pool of money while real americans are watching their savings melt before their eyes. i hope walnuts parachutes onto the set of barry’s special and saves us all.

  • shortsshortsshorts

    I’ve never seen a Islamic militant threat-down video last 30 minutes before. Does it really take that long to say “JIHAD?”

  • SuperRounder

    [re=128510]GleepGlop[/re]: Drastic times call for drastic measures. Wait until they pull out the “But he’s a NEGRO!” strategerie.

  • Jebediah

    Barry is bringing back the Fireside Chats:

    Gosh, some of those topics sound pretty applicable…

  • slappypaddy

    [re=128499]SuperRounder[/re]: He damn well better. And I expect him to lift it up high so we all can see. He’s kind of short, you know. So was Napoleon. So was Hitler.

  • Worlds End

    [re=128466]charrington[/re]: Correction i wont be burning them for warmth, as i live on a anna maria island in Florida. Doesnt get to cold, i might have to live on the beach though.

  • azw88

    [re=128522]SuperRounder[/re]: They already have: You can’t Put Lipstick on this pig

    No, the whole Palin-McCain oops McCain-Palin strategy is to subtly and not so subtly remind folks that Barak Obama is just Not Like Us (White, uneducated). Thankfully, enough people don’t care what color their rescuer is or who he palled around with 15 years ago!

  • azw88

    [re=128523]Jebediah[/re]: Shit, the tubes on my Victrola fried out, oh 30 years ago! What to do what to do…

  • NoWireHangers

    [re=128499]SuperRounder[/re]: I’d be impressed if I saw WALNUTS! raise his arms above his head.

  • Delicious

    Will he have charts?

  • nurple

    I will tape this appearance, play it backwards, and reveal to America the SATANIC MESSAGES that Barry is beaming into America’s Brains!! Finally, three days before the election, the tide turns!

  • gurukalehuru

    This is a huge buy a week before the election, so I’m assuming that Barry has an ace to play. My guess is it will be a high-minded, presidential address, but I’m hoping that he has some real dirt. Like maybe wee Johnny’s VietNamese hooker – and it’s a guy.

  • jinmoom

    Everyone’s in the tank for Barry.

  • problemwithcaring

    Publicity whore.

  • TexasCowGirl

    [re=128463]V572625694[/re]: You beat me to it!

    Will Barry be talking sexy talk during this “where all da white women at?” special? If so, he’ll win by a landslide.

  • nurple

    Please, guys, let’s pool our money and buy McCain some time. By Nov 1 all his speeches will just be lists of things he likes.

  • tednugentslover

    I hope it’s just him arm wrestling The First Dude.

  • facehead
  • Street Organizer

    Will it be a sex tape?

  • OzoneTom

    [re=128499]SuperRounder[/re]: Just like cats do with gophers.

    [re=128524]slappypaddy[/re]: As if he could lift anything high with his little T-Rex arms…

  • problemwithcaring

    [re=128562]TexasCowGirl[/re]: Instead of Leon Phelps and the Ladies Man, I hope he gets all Dark Side with Nat X….

  • V572625694

    [re=128562]TexasCowGirl[/re]: Maybe Barry Obama will channel Barry White. He’s got the pipes for it, and there’s a lot less cognitive dissonance when you see the body the voice lives(d) in.

  • Worlds End

    Some comments on that page.

    Well now…all these bleeding heart Liberal politicians have been ranting about the Fairness Doctrine for years because conservative radio dominates AM radio. So now Oshlockma the Terrorist wants to buy 1/2 of prime time TV to spew his rhetoric and anti-American hatred. So I guess that means McCain should be equal time.

    Oshlockma the Terrorist is turning this country in to a European nation. He has run the dirtiest campaign in modern political history. ACORN, Rev. Wright, Father Pfleger, Michelle the Whore Oshcloknma…where does it end?

    Republicans weren’t near as dirty as all the blacks wanting FREE houses from Fannie Mae. You stupid democrats are going to have a cow when the half assed, half muslim loses on the 4th.

    Michelle Obama looks like a white hating, America hating Gorilla in DRAG. Hate to be Barry when he loses, she’s going to knock the living crap out of him!

    You democrats don’t even know what socialism is, do you? Well, hope you don’t have to find out, because you’re going to hate it!

    To all these liberal fools who keep repeating that McCain finished near the bottom of his class, allow me to educate you. President Lincoln never graduated school and George Washington didn’t attend. Some of our best generals finished near the bottom of their class. Grow up, get a clue. And Obama is articulate? Give us a break, without his stupid teleprompter he is a stuttering buffoon.

    i am not a conspiracy nut but i think obama is the next hitler. he has coordinate with the left leaning america haters in usa and europe with the radical muslims and trying to derail the american economy to the point that we have no other choice but vote for obama.

    Obama being funded by the Muslim world! Obama has money to spend. It’s time for Mac to say his real name Barack Hussein “Mohammad” Obama in every campaign stop!

    What if affirmative action never existed? Obama and his wife flipping burgers at Chicago mikky dees spitting in whitey’s food thats what.

    Republicans weren’t near as dirty as all the blacks wanting FREE houses from Fannie Mae. You stupid democrats are going to have a cow when the half assed, half muslim loses on the 4th.

  • NotthatLC

    [re=128462]InsidiousTuna[/re]: Seriously. Me wanna vote NOW!

    I am so damn tired of listening to and looking at all of these damn people all the damn time. I was so happy when I forgot for a little while that such ignorance, hatred and utter and complete stupidity existed.

  • azw88

    [re=128463]V572625694[/re]: Oh how I miss that show……..

  • King Rinzy of Rohan

    [re=128493]LeastValuablePlayer[/re]: Great job LVP!

  • nurple

    Worlds End: to be fair, maybe some of those comments were posted by ironic hipsters.

  • sati demise

    [re=128684]NotthatLC[/re]: I voted today. EARLY VOTE.

    This way you avoid the crowds, can fix any Voter ID problems you might have (I had to take my passport because it is the only ID with my middle name, like my voter ID card).

    I got to choose between paper and touch screen, too. Got the paper ballot.

    Obama was the first name on the list too! Great, made my day.

  • grevillea

    Just for laughs, at the end he will broadcast the brown note…

  • smellyal8r

    A half an hour of prime time television? He definitely doesn’t want to leave anything in the bank and today’s announcement is a nice little scare tactic for the high command in Phoenix. I agree that he should just run a half an hour of “McCain’s Greatest Bloopers” but it’s also good for him to address the American people in this time of national crisis. Remain calm. The great days are coming. I pledge my whole self to this country and to you, the ‘merkun people. Now watch me bust a move…

  • smellyal8r

    [re=128676]Worlds End[/re]: Wow, ACORN? Spending too much time in front of Fox News today, weren’t we? There’s a lot of snark and a lot of irony on this page that I read as funny. I’m not taking you seriously either.

  • Worlds End

    [re=128748]smellyal8r[/re]: I was just pointing out the republicans insane comments on that page.

  • Beer4Prez

    [re=128676]Worlds End[/re]: haha major fail, dumbass.

    no but seriously, things are going ok, let’s stick to the game plan and win this thing. Americans love one thing more than a six-pack of beer and that is prime time tv – so don’t eff this all up and take the idiot-box away from them for 30 min. This could be the single-worse thing Hopey has done since he got me smoking again…

  • Worlds End

    [re=128824]Beer4Prez[/re]: good point

  • tednugentslover

    Hopey should show he’s man of the people and give one channel to Larry Flynt.

  • AxmxZ

    One word: striptease.

  • Terry


    Speaking of revelations of male vietnamese hookers, I’m still wondering where Larry Flynt is in this election.

  • CivicHoliday

    [re=128639]Street Organizer[/re]: Yes yes! Sex tape of him making sweet sweet love to Michelle for half an hour. They’ll have to do time-lapse footage to squeeze in the whole session, because normally he lasts 2.75 hours.