FUN WITH ANIMALS  12:03 am October 9, 2008

by Ken Layne

Desert Bighorns!THIS ONE IS HAPPY, AND IT’S ABOUT CRITTERS! You all get so bummed out by your editor’s gloomy desert apocalypse columns. But this one has comical mountain sheep! [LA CityBeat]

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Hola wonkerados.

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Dientes October 9, 2008 at 12:07 am

Does this mean we can have fresh goat cheese on our elitist hobo farm? Please?

tunamelt October 9, 2008 at 12:19 am

WONKETTE IN REAL LIFE. So you can like, take it into the bathroom, and stuff.

graceless October 9, 2008 at 12:19 am

[re=127299]Dientes[/re]: Gawd, how I live goat cheese! With sweet fruit, or savory lamb and spinach. You’ve made me hungry.

obfuscator October 9, 2008 at 12:21 am

[re=127299]Dientes[/re]: What kind of wine best complements a meal of goat cheese and soggy cigarette butts? Two Buck Chuck, I would assume.

Dientes October 9, 2008 at 12:22 am

[re=127299]Dientes[/re]: Goats do not equal sheep. I am a dingbat.

SayItWithWookies October 9, 2008 at 12:26 am

Ken — if you’re feeling happy, or optimistic, or appreciating random beautiful moments — I know this might be a confusing experience for you and I just want you to know — we’re here for you.

shortsshortsshorts October 9, 2008 at 12:26 am

The catch-22 of the article is that flat landers thrive on this shit and want to come visit “the West,” and then the bastards move here and drink all of WATER and SWEET CRUDE. It’s a terrible position to be in. Lake Mead is a huge example of this asscockery from Missouri coming out here to destroy us all. Vegas Baby!!1!

Ken Layne October 9, 2008 at 12:33 am

[re=127323]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Oh don’t worry, these wild animals forced to feed on a sprinkler-grass kiddie park is just another sign of the Terrible End Times. But still, mountain sheep!

Smoke Filled Roommate October 9, 2008 at 12:39 am

[re=127334]Ken Layne[/re]: If you’re feeling especially nostalgic, you could buy a .17 stamp.

In all honesty, it’s really sad.. Remnants of our wonderful “if you build it they will come” construction mentality encroaching on natural habitats and ecosystems everywhere. Beautiful.

grevillea October 9, 2008 at 12:42 am

“Magnificent creatures! The males are huge and sturdy, the patriarchs with thick curling horns that wrap two or three feet down and around the head, some ending with ragged points from their mating wars.”


Lascauxcaveman October 9, 2008 at 12:45 am

We have a very similar thing going on one town over from where I live, with a heard of elk that basically lives in town and keeps getting bigger, trashing yards, knocking down fences and eating people’s gardens and shrubs.

Some people are getting very pissed off about it. Not very appreciative of their protein-on-the-hoof neighbors.

spencer October 9, 2008 at 12:46 am

[re=127325]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Lake Mead is nothing. Spend a few minutes in Salton Sea.

tunamelt October 9, 2008 at 12:47 am


President X October 9, 2008 at 12:48 am

Oh great. Now the Madwoman from Wasilla will borrow Cindy’s aeroplane and shoot all the Bighorn Sheep from the air for sport, leaving a trail of blood all the way to Chicago.

Thanks, Wonkette, for cheering us up!!

tunamelt October 9, 2008 at 12:50 am


tunamelt October 9, 2008 at 12:56 am

[re=127351]tunamelt[/re]: I am a cretin.

automandc October 9, 2008 at 12:58 am

What’s with all the references to “the Arizona side”? Is Ken IN THE TANK FOR WALNUTS?

shortsshortsshorts October 9, 2008 at 1:00 am

[re=127351]tunamelt[/re]: Sorry I have to jump on board with that one:

tunamelt October 9, 2008 at 1:03 am

[re=127361]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Facehead needs to post his.

SayItWithWookies October 9, 2008 at 1:12 am

Geeze — I have a new appreciation for Sarah. She makes cranking this nonsense out look easy.

SayItWithWookies October 9, 2008 at 1:15 am

[re=127334]Ken Layne[/re]: Phew. And sheep ain’t fools — they can live on thorns and lichens, but hell, if the good shit’s around, why not grab it while you can.

StrangelyBrown October 9, 2008 at 1:16 am

[re=127351]tunamelt[/re]: Well, now I have a conundrum. Should I go to bed, or should I stay up all night using that site to reconstruct the entirety of Molly Bloom’s soliloquy from Ulysses in Sarah Palin’s voice?

sati demise October 9, 2008 at 1:35 am

That explains it. Every year in June I drive to Vegas for business and we scan the rugged mountains around Hoover Dam looking for bighorns. They are all at the playground in Boulder City. sheesh.

Bet the ones who get the helicopter ride are the fattest, easiest ones to catch and will suffer horribly when they have to eat cactus to survive. Hah! You said this was a happy story. Who is the real Ken Layne?

shortsshortsshorts October 9, 2008 at 1:37 am

[re=127370]SayItWithWookies[/re]: This is the best way anyone can spend a Wednesday. Wonkette and this=

WhatTheHeck October 9, 2008 at 1:48 am

Ken, get a hold of yourself man. Don’t get all nature on us.
You could have written this piece from the perspective some of the sheep were sporting things which looked like trucknutz.

druranium October 9, 2008 at 1:56 am

Good column ken. We’ll put this ‘Boulder City’ place on the list for future roadtrips. Once saw a big pack of bighorn in the hills while on the road coming down into borrego and it was magical. I want to see more! Even if they are in a dumb manmade park.

SayItWithWookies October 9, 2008 at 2:18 am

[re=127383]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Oh, I found this too:

SayItWithWookies October 9, 2008 at 2:21 am
Smoke Filled Roommate October 9, 2008 at 2:39 am

[re=127401]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Awesome!
Doesn’t everybody want a rock to wind the string around? Throw the crib-door wide, let the people crawl inside..
Rocks are crucial.

shortsshortsshorts October 9, 2008 at 2:40 am

[re=127401]SayItWithWookies[/re]: I think I prefer science.

SayItWithWookies October 9, 2008 at 2:56 am

[re=127407]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: [re=127408]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: I’m a sucker for channeling the word o’ god.

Kaclon October 9, 2008 at 3:09 am

The park is surrounded by stucco ranch homes facing poor old Lake Mead, filling up with sediment, a dirty gray ring showing how much the reservoir has shrunk during our endless southwest drought.

You can still rock the bleak, Ken! This cheerful spell will surely be short-lived!

graceless October 9, 2008 at 3:14 am

[re=127320]Dientes[/re]: So what? I can do sheep cheese…

Words October 9, 2008 at 3:16 am

[re=127334]Ken Layne[/re]:
Never knew you had a thing for sheep.

Saw wild Mountain sheep doin’ their thing in several national parks out West and in Canada. Pretty awesome, watching those creatures tippytoe gracefully over tiny, skinny rock walls that drop off literally thousands of feet straight down, making it look like they were sauntering over a 500-foot-wide level parking lot. Amazing animals..

Smoke Filled Roommate October 9, 2008 at 3:51 am

[re=127411]SayItWithWookies[/re]: This probably won’t work, but I’ll try.
My Church Sign.

gurukalehuru October 9, 2008 at 4:05 am

Were any of the sheep doing it?

Tommy Says Soooo October 9, 2008 at 8:27 am

[re=127374]StrangelyBrown[/re]: You are so gay for literacy.

V572625694 October 9, 2008 at 11:03 am

There’s also this sign generator

which is kinda fun.

TGY October 9, 2008 at 11:29 am

We are all as sheep…

CivicHoliday October 9, 2008 at 11:52 am

The most important statement you made, Ken, was that you were somewhat surprised these animals had no predators, EVEN HUNGRY BUMS. Soon, my friend, you will be that hungry bum, so you’d be smart to kill of a few and put them in deep-freeze for the long winter ahead.

OzoneTom October 9, 2008 at 12:05 pm

I too have spent many weekends in Anza Borrego and considered it a great trip if I saw one or two bighorns while hiking the canyons and ridges. And now I find out that I could have stayed in a motor court with convenient bars and liquor stores and watched them from a parking lot.

Way to devalue my fading memories Ken.

[re=127343]spencer[/re]: Yeah, home of the “Desert Martini” — Salton Sea paradise in the desert. And too bad that Salton Tiki went out of business, not that they were very Tiki-ish…

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