Wonkette
AND EVERYONE’S HAPPY: “President George W. Bush signed the biggest government intervention in the financial markets since the Great Depression after U.S. House of Representatives lawmakers wary of growing signs of the nation’s economic distress voted Friday in favor of a $700 billion Wall Street rescue package. Mr. Bush welcomed the passage of a rescue plan, saying it will help the nation’s economy withstand the financial turmoil.” Never Forget. [WSJ]
Can I haz Depression?
BUSH: Nice to meet you.
ECONOMY: It’s a pleasure.
BUSH: Hey, can I call you ‘connie?
ECONOMY: Hold still while I crush your nuts in a vice.
Mr. Bush welcomed the passage of a rescue plan
And now intends to spend the rest of his term on vacation.
If we were prozac nation in the 90s, and meth nation in the 00s, what will will be next? Someone cue the Huey Lewis. Well, don’t really, but you know what I mean.
Hooray! Happy times in Hooverville!
I feel so much more secure.
…probably the most laughable thing about this whole bail-out farce, is to hear the bullshit responses coming from the sell out congressmen/women who voted for it. I have been hearing sound bite after sound bite of these douche bags, claiming that over the 2 day recess they heard their constituents telling them to sign it. BUUUUUULLSHIT!!! Everyone I spoke to(righty and lefty) were vehemently against the bail out. At least they can fukkin man-up and say they did it for the pork! Shit Heads!!! Sorry, just had to get that off my chest.
ManchuCandidate: How long till those lulz start showing up as cat-captions (cattions?)?
Mr. Bush welcomed the passage of a rescue plan, saying it will help the nation’s economy withstand the financial turmoil.
Gee, for $850 billion dollars, you’d think we’d be able to avert financial turmoil. God, I’m such a spoiled brat.
cal: Soon we can just start calling it Bushville. Saves a vowel.
Nice tag, BTW
Am I to believe that this bill was really bad last week, but when you add $250k per account in FDIC insurance and then do something about wooden arrows or whatever the fuck, and then lard this with $110b in goodies for every piss-ant conspiracy, special interest, and beggar in the country, this bill ends up being better? I am a highly trained social scientist, and I have no effing idea how this is better. Oh, except for brib…I mean, persuading GOPers to vote on this turd? Same turd, different marshmallow, and guess what we’re left eating?
Hairy Reed: And by vowel I clearly mean syllable.
Naked Bunny with a Whip: His brain has never left the vacation.
1. Let’s loan huge amounts of money to people who don’t make very much so they can overpay for houses.
2. OMFG you mean people are defaulting because they don’t make enough money to pay their debts?
3. Panic.
4. Pass legislation having the government buy those unpayable loans from banks.
5. Profit!!!!
5. People who don’t make enough money to pay back bad loans still default.
6. Goverment takes the loss.
7. Goverment taxes people who didn’t make enough money to pay back their loans in the first place to cover the losses from the loans the government bought from the failing banks.
This is what we call a kleptocracy.
Hey is that video on the left with Arnold him asking for money?
We’re so screwed. I’d better learn how to make my own Hot Pockets out of cat food and stuff.
Damn Capitalist Pigs! There’s just NO pleasing them!
10/03 WAS AN INSIDE JOB
You know Bush is loosing it when he announced that Mister Drysdale of the Beverly Hillbillies has been appointed to oversee the mortgage crisis.
If the government owns these mortgages now, then there is a possiblity that the homes can be distributed out to deserving homeless!
(Ow! Stop hitting me guys! Ow! What did I say wrong?)
SayItWithWookies: I think you can be sure Bush knows what he’s doing - he can see the treasury department from his window in the White House.
Vanity Smurf: Is there a 12-Step Program for nation-states? The first step is to admit we are retarded….
2. Came to believe that a country greater than ourselves (China) could restore us to balance.
3. Put our lives and our will (and your MONEY) over to the care of shortsshortshorts.
4. Made a list of all the shit we want to buy so we can invigorate the fucking economy.
5. Assfucking.
6. More assfucking.
7. Humbly asked the E.U. to remove our debt.
8. Made a list of all countries we have harmed, and became willing maybe kinda NOT GIVE THEM ALL OF OUR MONEY, because we must give it to shorts.
9. One more solid round of assfucking.
10. Stop blowing up other countries.
11. Kill off the elderly, poor, and sell the beltway to Canada in exchange for a zoot suit.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other dumb-fuck countries, and to practice these principles in all our affairs
captain howdy: Fat chance of saving money there. We had to put our cats on a “low ash diet”, next thing you know they’re going to start demanding argula instead of catnip.
shortsshortsshorts: We could always go to the New World Bank…
http://www.roundmountaingroup.com/newworldbank/
The financial disaster that Bush so graciously created for us…by the way, when did we take over his dad’s responsibility for bailing Bush, Jr. out his gigantic screw-ups?
The $700 billion should last them two or three weeks. Think of it as life support. Sure, the economy is a vegetable, but God wants it to have a beating heart for as long as we can drain money from the patient.
So, uh, what is the fed gov. going to do with all these houses it just bought?
I’m starting to think this new great depression isn’t really so great.
captain howdy: You are my new favorite Wonketteer!
shortsshortsshorts: Zoot suit? Canada laughs at you fuckwads.
facehead: It’s really more of a mediocre depression.
Sooo…he comes into office, lies us into a global unwinnable war, lets New Orleans drown, has somehow restarted the Cold War, drives the economy into the toilet, then tells us all how important it is for all of us to pay for his bailout…and now his term is over?
Good job? How about prison time?
Wonkette overlords, you must give us something peppier to end the week with. We’ll all be drunk in a few hours (or I will be) & would appreciate something snarkalicious. Like Walnuts’s campaign saying he has an interest in Latin America because he played mattress mambo with a Brazilian stripper there 50 years ago, per TPM.
Slim: I completely fucked up America and all I got was this t-shirt and a ranch/secured compound in Paraguay.
Texan Bulldoggette: And she called him her “my sweet coconut.” COCONUTZ!
sailingthestyx: In the month of November in the years 2000 and 2004.
Just to prove they are as small minded and vindictive as the R’s who would not vote “YES” on Monday because Nancy hurt their feelings, Wall Street snubs the bailout as “too little, too late.” Geez, will they please all grow up while my 401K still has the price of a pizza and a six pack in it?
Texan Bulldoggette: I agree. Pweez, fill our heads with something cheery and happytacular, like a photo of a cute puppy eating cherry ice crea, or a dolphin jumping through a flaming hoop of hobos, or at least something which doesn’t cause anal warts.
We’re sending over Bono to y’all on a “Forgive the American Debt” campaign. Hang in there. Zimbabwe says it definitely will pledge some money.
And pseudo-suddenly, explicably, one thing failed to lead to another, and the whole thing slid down the shitter anyway.
This was the best practical joke EVER! HA HA! We fooled you! And now, to hammer home just how badly you’ve been pwned, the markets will TANK! And credit will remain tied up tighter than McCain’s AWOL lobbytrix mistress!
“But wait,” you say. “They PROMISED! They said this would make everything all better with puppies and sunshine and blowjobs and blah blah blah…!”
Apparently no one remembers anything anymore, at least not for any longer than an above-average goldfish. Who fucked everything up in the first place? The bankers! To whom are we giving a ginormotrillion dollars to fix everything? (Say it with me:) The bankers!
But let’s not leave out the “bottoms” in this unholy power exchange. Who changed the rules so bankers could get away with everything? That’s right! Our elected representatives. And they’re not done, not by a long shot.
“Give me money, slut, or I’ll stop molesting you.”
“How much, sir?”
“I dunno, a lot. A giant fuckload. The biggest assload ever in the history of money.”
“Will 700 billon work, sir?”
“Maybe. Now put your leather kneepads back on and start sucking while I think about it.”
Oh, and just to make sure there wasn’t a simple misunderstanding (you know, like in case you weren’t 100% sure you were being well-fucked), they’re wishing you “Happy Rosh Hashana, bitches!” in the most appropriate way possible - WITH PORK! Sweet, juicy, turgid, election-year pork! $110 billion dollars worth. For what? Does it matter?
Because we don’t REALLY care. C’mon, be honest. It’s ok to admit it. We LIKE getting fucked. Hell, we PAY to get fucked. Hard. Frequently. Sloppily. Anything you want, ruling-class person-sir, as long as you pretend to like us in the morning. Oh, and the IOU is on the nightstand.
shortsshortsshorts: I seem to be stuck on stages 5 and 6.
little help?
People live on extended credit, Wall St. does, local and state governments do and so does the Federal gvt. Tha sound you hear is all that shit snapping back hard.
This is not over. Next are the car companies, then layoffs in state and local government (see Gov. Terminator today), then more unemployment, etc. People will stop buying shit and then those who sell shit won’t be in business, etc.
Oh, the recession is on baby!
Johnny Zhivago: I have sent that link to everyone I know. LOOK WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?
wheelie:
We’ll send over some “I’m with Stupid” t-shirts to our friends in Zimbabe as a way to say “thank you”. I think that is all we manufacture (except money)
No more worries, no more worries.
Now start passing out that goddam bullion from Fort Knox, Mister Prezeedent. I feel likes having me a grand old time. http://maggiesfarm.anotherdotcom.com/uploads/depression.jpg
HomoPolitico: See if you can skip to step 9.
HomoPolitico: Weird. I have the same problem.
shortsshortsshorts: So that’s why these black helicopters are hovering over my bunker…
Texan Bulldoggette: Ooh, other possible snarky story options:
1. Queen Latifah will play Gwen Ifill on SNL (HuffPo)
2. Bible Spice says Couric ‘annoyed’ her (ditto)
3. Bible Spice read about Walnuts pulling out of MI in all the papers she claims to read; guess no one thought to discuss it with her. (TPM)
Dave J.: Ha ha, you fell for it: the gummint (we) didn’t buy any houses. We bought useless “derivative” “collateralized debt obligations” based on the willingness and ability of the occupants of those houses to keep making payments. The occupants are gone! The banks own the houses! We bought wallpaper!
Well, that’s 850 billion I’ll never see again. Bummer.
Surely this merits a hagiographic rimjob from the Revisionist Right? Hey, Michael Gerson beat me to it!
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/10/02/AR2008100203045.html
“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.”
-Groucho Marx
Sodomy sans cessation, $850 billion bailout, and not even a reach-around from Wall Street. Main Street is sooooo fucked!
Do any of you nice folks have some spare Change I Can Believe In?
SayItWithWookies: For $850, it should suck all of us off. I’m not spoiled, just in need of some servicing.
The nice thing about the economy tanking is that I don’t feel bad about not knowing much about economics anymore. Hell, I’m downright brilliant with money management compared to wall street!
check this out, SEC in action, 2004, setting into motion the mess:
http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2008/09/28/business/20080928-SEC-multimedia/index.html
John McNuts is right: FIRE the chairman of the FDIC!
I think the Wonkette community should buy some of these abandoned homes in Rochester and Buffalo and create a cult, where we all do piecework paper flowers in front of reruns of They Came From Outer Space. And then with the proceeds we’ll start a crappy Washington newspaper. I’ll skip lunch next week for the downpayment!
NEVAR FORGET 10/03!!!1
Where are the crying-eagle Photoshopped montages when you need them?
check this out.
http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2008/09/28/business/20080928-SEC-multimedia/index.html
The SEC hard(ly) at work, 2004, creating The Current Situation.
McNutz and his Caribou Sidecar are right: FIRE the chairman of the FDIC!!
So, now it’s back to I-rak or I-ran? The public can’t remember what happened in October when they are voting in November. But, Electoral-College.com has some scary good news. Michigan won’t be the last state that WALNUTS abandons between now and E Day. Even though the GOP has a truckload of money in drydock, I don’t think it’ll be enough, but man they’ll try.
Thank God this isn’t real money!
Full text at link. Except below.
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/03/business/03sec.html
…. [T] he five members of the Securities and Exchange Commission met [April 28, 2004] in a basement hearing room to consider an urgent plea by the big investment banks.
They wanted an exemption for their brokerage units from an old [FDR communist] regulation that limited the amount of debt they could take on. The exemption would unshackle billions of dollars held in reserve as a cushion against losses on their investments. Those funds could then flow up to the parent company, enabling it to invest in the fast-growing but opaque world of mortgage-backed securities; credit derivatives, a form of insurance for bond holders; and other exotic instruments [including those later backed by subprime mortgages].
[The meeting lasted 55 minutes and the vote was unanimous to allow the exemption. (See article.) After the meeting the commissioners celebrated by going to a Virginia hunting preserve to shoot shackled tramps, welfare spongers, hippies and other socialist scum. Journalists? They were released as being inconsequential and harmless and too passive and stupid to present any sport. Later that, the commissioners sipped Premier Cru and ate grilled “couer de enfant“ aboard the Merrill yacht. McNuggets acted as cabin boy. Good times, damn fucking good times.]
********
Never too late:
http://owlcreek.files.wordpress.com/2007/08/guillotine.jpg
nurple: Sorry, couldn’t live in Buffalo umm….for all the money in the world. No offense to Tim Russert.
Now we know what the Dubya stands for. Whore.
My daughter has triplicate health insurance through me, my wife and her own. So she needs to see a doctor…out of luck. Go somewhere else, they say.
shortsshortsshorts: Are you trying to say this will be remembered as the “Greek Depression”?
AnnieGetYourFun: Well — thousands for torture, not a penny for an orgasm. That’s these motherfuckers in a nutshell.
Solution: sell Alaska back to Russia!
http://politicsplace.wordpress.com/2008/09/30/flip-that-state-i-hope-the-russians-love-our-children-too/
SayItWithWookies: Yes, that’s what I always say. Spend a zillion, but only if kills people.
However, BUY STOCKS…NOW! MOO HA HA. Well, maybe.
I’m not worried, I have millions in a bank in Nigeria.
This pic is right off the CNN site. It’s pretty obvious what this guy thinks of the whole thing. Either that or he thinks PIN means Pee In.
http://i2.cdn.turner.com/cnn/2008/US/10/05/shaky.banks.ap/t1home.atm.file.gi.jpg