Wonkette
Poor George Bush, he has had to Address the Nation two days in a row, that is how awful this financial crisis has gotten. He is walking out onto his nice patio surrounded by all the people who John McCain will fire once he’s president: the chairman of the SEC, our old pal Henry Paulson, and Ben Bernanke. Let’s hear how bad our individual tax bills will be once we’ve socialized every large business in the US. Will we have to eat our housepets? Will there be condiments still?
10:46 AM — George W. Bush has aged 20 years in the past two weeks. He’s even losing his hair! One of the sadder aspects of this whole meltdown dealy has been watching various politicians who never cared about economics, only war, being forced to talk about economics. He looks equal parts bored and worried.
10:47 AM — Please please please let him take questions afterward, and please let somebody ask him if he believes the fundamentals of our economy are strong.
10:48 AM — Oh right! Now money market funds are getting insured, because even they — once considered about as stable as putting your money under your mattress — are now looking a little shaky.
10:49 AM — Greasing the gears. Liquidity. This sounds like an Olestra ad.
10:50 AM — “Anyone engaging in illegal financial transactions will be caught and persecuted.” THAT IS WHAT HE SAID. Four more years!
10:51 AM — The government is purchasing pretty much everything in America that isn’t nailed down. Everything must go. Mortgages, banks, insurers, cats, kittens…
10:52 AM — Please everyone NO BANK RUNS do NOT go to the bank and take out all your munnies, says President Bush. He is so disgruntled and distressed that his nose looks different…pointier…bitterer. It is his mother’s nose: angry, dumb and vindictive.
10:53 AM — And now for the happy part, where he reviews all of the awful things that have happened in the past eight years. This is the latest of a tragic long list of “challenges” that America has “weathered.” Bush vows bipartisanship and getting back on the path of long-term growth.
10:54 AM — You know how the wives of philandering politicians always have to stand up at the podium while their husbands admit to the public that they fucked some hooker once? George W. Bush has three wives standing by him as he admits to the public that we are all going to have to take it up the ass, for America.
“I’ve talked to Gov. Palin and we’ve just agreed to sell Alaska to China to pay off the national debt.”
Well, at least this won’t affect George’s legacy of fiscal responsibility and good business practices.
I purchased a $1b short-sell, deritative equity swap on whether or not he says “nu-cu-ler”
Oh, so now you fuckers are for oversight and regulation and not selling the country to the highest bidder? Eat a bag of dicks, W.
I’m putting all my money in whore diamonds.
I’m waiting for him to pull the same speech that Baptista uses near the end of Godfather II, where he says, essentially, “We’re Fucked. I’m Outta Here. Good Luck, Suckers.”
Sussemilch:
In what respect Charlie?
I don’t have finances, just mounds of debt. Viva the apocalypse!
“This action will put a significant amount of taxpayer’s dollars on the line.” I just LOVE hearing all about “risk” too. This guy’s a laugh riot. If by “laugh” you mean “drinking and crying uncontrollably.”
did bushie just say persecuted rather than prosecuted? typical…
I have no sympathy for this fucking asshole. May he burn in the fires of a thousand Hells.
As a sidenote, his face is exactly that of a schoolchild who completely forgot to write that physics presentation for the class, and he’s going to fail because of it. He doesn’t understand what he’s saying, and he knows he’s dicking it up.
“the federal government continues to enforce laws protecting your money.”
Uh — why did he need to reassure us of that? BRB — going to the bank.
“In the long run, Americans have the right to feel confident about our country.” Is he smoking da weed?
I’m surprised he didn’t walk out in his boxer shorts holding a bottle of Jack Daniels.
Oh, he’s giving us his resume — collapse, terror, mayhem.
“Buy things again, America. Go get a giant Cinnabon. Get that double latte. Everything’s gonna be fine. We’ve invested in crap loans with your tax money; there’s nothing to be scurred of.”
Dubya ran away again. No questions. Just duck and run when he was finished.
Terry: Lucky for me, despondency is all I require to thrive.
NoWireHangers: Bwahahahahaha!!!!!
Yes, it’s very safe to invest in America. Just like two years ago.
i got bad news (or not, i suppose)…china just repo’d alaska & they refused to take palin as part of the deal.
>.“the federal government continues to enforce laws protecting your money.”
And by “your” he means Goldman Sachs.
I feel so much better now that Chimpy has spoken
SayItWithWookies: It really was quite a list of his greatest hits. Natural disasters. The dot com bust. Quite the walk down memory lane!
As we’ve all learned recently, most our nation’s resources are in Alaska. Mooseburgers will inevitably feed the nation during the coming dustbowl, at one silver dollar a piece (paper money no longer being accepted, natch).
Who is this guy?
I’m telling you W. is going to use the last wish he has on his monkey’s paw and get us out of this mess!
Shouldn’t he be used to causing financial ruin by now?
“Aw, those Social Security funds were just a-lying there doin’ nothing anyway”
He shows up, dutifully follows a script, and dashes away without conveying any sense that he knows what he’s doing. Now I know how Laura must feel.
“Shit sucks”
Thanks for the uplifting address! I better start looking for a refrigerator box and a polka dot bag to tie to my stick that I bought with my wheelbarrow of cash.
Anyone see this one yet?
In his economic speech today, when referring to his call to fire SEC Chairman Chris Cox, McCain mistakenly said: “The chairman of the FEC should resign and leave office and be replaced.”
McGahn is chairman of the Federal Election Commission.
Wait, are W and Paulson wearing father-and-son lookalike ties? Will the tie make the decider know about the monies?
Hey, when capitalism fails there is nothing like a good ole’ shot of Soviet style business to get things back on track.
George Bushdevonavich
Jovn Macainanoff
10:54 AM — You know how the wives of philandering politicians always have to stand up at the podium while their husbands admit to the public that they fucked some hooker once? George W. Bush has three wives standing by him as he admits to the public that we are all going to have to take it up the ass
Not that there is anything wrong with that….
Greed is good (as long as someone else pays for it).
Gordon Gecko -
In Soviet America, Ass fucks YOU!
longjohnson: Da, Comrade! McCainanoff/Palinovich 08! We’ll show those capitalist pig-dogs how to run a country.
dano: Dumbfuck already used his wishes to A) Get elected, B) Sell the Iraq War without anybody actually looking at it except for Barry and civilian Dems not holding office, and C) Get elected. This crisis is the consequence of those stupid fucking wishes.
Man, at the very least, Dubya could at least pretend to be commanding back in the day. Now can’t even look into the camera because his notecards are all screwy.
Maybe he really does intend to “persecute” naked short sellers. Force feeding, brutal beatings…
4tehlulz: Well, THERE’S an image. *shudder*
I am pretty worried, actually, because President Idiot’s idea of stimulating the economy seems to be starting wars to gin up defense contracting and getting people off the unemployment rolls by sending them off to fight.
Watch your back, Iran.
We are all Joads now…
Hey George……No one cares what you have to say anymore. Go back to Crawford and fight the ‘War on Brush’ you lackwit shirkaday!
Would have been better if W just said, “More Cowbell.”
Has anyone check in with the Paultards lately? They can’t be taking these bailouts well…
And you know what? Tonight, I will go to my boyfriend’s bar, and his bloviating ass of a right wing nutjob friend, (we all have them, we just hide them), will be there;
a.)Crowing about North of Bumfuck lady and
b.)How democrats suck at the economy
..and I will again have to try not and bash his skull in with beer mug…grrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Thank goodness that idiot didn’t do his drunken tap dancing again.
Ah, fuck. I just saw where WALNUTS! is blaming this thing on the evil Washington establishment that didn’t stop corporate corruption.
Hey, Fuckhead!! Those were the REPUBLICANS!!!!
I applaud address of General Secretary Georgi Georgiich Bushinkov and welcome our new centralized command economy. Now is time for black bread, pickles, and vodka. With pelmanee and pirozhki!
If we’re going to be a socialist state, could we also have the free healthcare and post-secondary education? Please?
All we really need to shore up the economy is some more lovely dancing by George. Like an economic rain dance, or something. Yeah, that would do the trick.
freakishlystrong: Today, we are all Joads, shit, y’all knew what I meant..just enraged is all…
Economy, you’re doing a heckuva job.
Look everyone, I’m really sick of all this negativity. Five days ago my financial outlook was terrible, I had no assets or investments and I was going to be living off my %572 per month in social security when I retire (if I ever do). Five days later, I am now a co-owner of a major insurance company and I co-own MILLIONS of homes thanks to our awesome president who helped use my taxpayer money to buy all this stuff. I now have assets!
I really hope Boeing goes under so we can buy them too, because a portfolio like mine demands my own jet.
Did Bush say anything about naked shorting? I understand everyone is all concerned with it right now.
Here is something about the brokers who were all into naked shorting (ans some tin foil stuff as well):
http://bigpicture.typepad.com/
dano: darn you with your brain wave stealing
I love the ownership society. I’m also trying to get support for my partisan poster project. You can own these for free! Cheaper than AIG. Download, print and post. Link to this blog.
http://www.democratbydesign.typepad.com
The only challenge we’ve had to weather the last 8 years is YOU, Dubya. My sole consolation is the look of fear and despair in his eyes. Yes, Dubya, this is all your doing, and your name will be a joke for generations to come. This knowledge, along with a fifth of cheap whiskey, will keep me warm this winter when there’s no money to keep my utilities going.
Please tell me there will be condiments still!!!
Sussemilch:
Wait… can we scrap the Alaska idea and go with Texas?
dano: …I have a feeling he is getting shit-faced as we speak!
SayItWithWookies: I believe that Bush means that the Capitol Police have been ordered to surrounded the Bureau of Engraving with drug sniffing dogs.
freakishlystrong: It’s your boyfriend’s bar? Fuck it. Break a beer bottle over his head. Then just tell the cops he fell.
Strictly for the Tardcore: That’s his regular face. He’s so far gone from reality these days. There’s this doomed glaze of “what the fuck?” perpetually shining from his eyes. It’s so disturbing.
His dad was the only recent Republican president who didn’t look completely deranged at the conclusion of his term(s). Prior to that, the last one who seemed coherent and ‘decent’ by the end of days was Eisenhower.
They’re like punched-out boxers when they leave. But I guess an entire adult life devoted menacing treachery will do that to a person.
WagTehGod: You won’t get that, but you’ll most likely own a U.S. car company by the end of the year.
A great performance by our bestest president ever. I almost feel sorry for the poor runt. The man thrived on popular acclaim, and now every press conference is a new walk of shame for him. Especially worth watching, the point where he runs up a list of the defeats during his administration–”we’ve weathered these” (like we weathered 1929); finally, the defeated trudge off-stage, with no one even giving a monkey’s butt about yelling a question at him for him to ignore as he waddles away on his lame web foot.
Bush
http://media.ebaumsworld.com/picture/aequitas3/Fail_Dog.jpg
Rush: Not only was it factually incorrect, it was piss-poor sentence construction.
This man should not be let near anything important.
It’s like when you can no longer trust Granddad to turn off the stove - so you just tell him he can not use it anymore.
Sussemilch: That’s a Win-Win!
So did anyone hear how after Bush walked away, ‘Nowhere To Run’ by Martha and the Vandellas cranked on?
Today we are all Socialists.
magic titty: Truthery.
regisgoat: Dubya’s always lived by the screed that “History will be his judge.” I think, over the last six months or so, he’s realized exactly how history’s going to judge him.
I’m disappointed that he didn’t observe that it is National Talk Like A Pirate Day and throw a few “ARRRRRH!”s into that speech.
http://www.talklikeapirate.com/
You should all be grateful. This speech where Bush promises that it’s all going to be OK combined with his photo-op meeting are seriously cutting into his Rock Band 2 time. He and Cheney were ripping through all the hard songs, but put it on pause……for you.
http://thesebastards.blogspot.com/
You can put Bush on teevee, but it’s still Bush.
Nothing says legacy like getting a proctological from the silver back gorilla in a Brooks Brothers suit that is the GOP.
4tehlulz: Awesome, I’m tired of riding the bus like a poor loser!
grendel: To (heavily) paraphrase Garth Ennis: “Socialism. It’s one of the most feared words in their language. Not even half of them can tell you what it means.”
Condiments-Only Diet: Yes, lots of condiments…and the trickle downers especially love ketchup (it’s a vegetable doncha know!)
When you think about it though…
In recent decades the America economy has become increasingly credit based and we’ve bought more cheap Chinese-made crap and saved less. It’s the “look-what-I-bought”, “buy your own home”, “keeping up with the Jones”, Super Sweet Sixteen Capitalist nightmare. Acting on this message, which was beaten into the American people by Bush, the media, and pop culture at large, people racked up debt and lived beyond their means. Now that the shit hit the fan, NO ONE will acknowledge the root issue: save money, conserve resources, the difference between a need and a want, how inflation/interest/credit works, basic economic competence, etc. INSTEAD they want you to keep shopping. KEEP SHOPPING! YOU EARNED IT, GIRL. BUY THOSE SHOES! BUY THAT BOAT! BUY YOUR CHILDREN’S LOVE! BUY SHIT BUY SHIT BUY SHIT! ALL IS WELLLLLLLLLLLL!
Cape Clod: He could have at least dressed for the occasion. http://www.bloggerheads.com/images/bush_pirate.jpg
Gopherit v2.0: You already got your Vodka ration? Where’s the line? Is it that one next to the bread line?
wasn’t their Jeebus supposed to save them?
What is the stock index initials for Ball Mason Jars, I smell an opportunity here. Pickled okra anyone?
Thank god I’m at work and can’t watch this live.
I don’t want to offend the advertisers who support Wonkette, but wtf is this “I’m a constitution voter” crap? So far I’ve seen a dog, a cat, some cute whores, an old person, and even the statue of liberty claiming to be a constitution voter. What the shit? I’d click on the link to find out, but I don’t want my computer to get AIDS.
oy vey: He was too busy drafting Constitutional amendments to ban abortion and gay marriage.
NoWireHangers: Thank you for this.
Off the subject - Anyone know what happened to Jeff Goldblum? That guy was a bit of a snark folk hero for me, up there with the Botswana Meat Commission FC.
Just put the bodies under the TARP.
Meanwhile, liquidate into the dead cat bounce in progress.
Capital Flight now cleared for takeoff on runway 43R.
Hunter Gathers: lackwit shirkaday, joads…. obscure lit references….. haarder , harder, mmmmm…. yes, baby right there mmm don’t stop … Ennis reference… YESSS, YESSS!!!
time for a smoke break.
If you divide $1 trillion among 300 million Americans, it comes out to about $300 bucks apiece. In other words, your rebate check (excluding any of it you’ve already sent to China for a flat screen or Saudi Arabia for gas).
Viva la Cynthia: I can’t watch it either, but a bird did shit on my shoulder when I went out to get coffee, so I bet that feeling of fear turning into disgust and contempt was similar to watching this announcment.
WadISay: Mine went to Bank of America; it’s kind of like the image of the snake eating it’s tail.
WadISay: I just did that - I get $3333.00 which is no chump change. That’s enough to buy some serious fungible commodities.
Cogito Ergo Bibo: No, cause if he was, it would’ve taken him about 8 more minutes to get out that same thought.
Hamster: Dow Jones just took AIG off its list and added Kraft Foods. I noted to my husband that this is a baaaad sign, because everyone knows that boxed Kraft mac and cheese is what gets eaten when the economy is down the tubes.
If Dow adds the makers of Top Ramen, head for the hills.
i love yew, mur’ca
NoWireHangers: You speak, we obey. Walmart same store sales are up an average 3.5% for May thru August.
Me, I’m investing in grain alcohol and Sterno futures.
Doglessliberal:
I won’t worry until the Dow adds United Ketchup Packets and the Day Old Dumpster Bread Corporation.
Now that we own AIG, can we sit in on the board/investor meetings? I have a few things I’d like to say…/bring…
[re=101571]Strictly for the Tardcore wrote “Dubya’s always lived by the screed that ‘History will be his judge.’ I think, over the last six months or so, he’s realized exactly how history’s going to judge him.
[/re]:
Remiinds me of a headline from The Onion a few years ago-”Bush: History Cannot Judge Me Harshly if I End It”.
On the plus side, Jonah Goldberg’s parents will probably kick his ass out of their basement in order to make room for a paying renter.
In what regard are you failing, Economy?
Please don’t take meh kitties!
After reading about that morale booster of a jive and dash, I’m totally rolling-over my IRA into guns, ammunition, booze, a milch cow, two goats, a few chickens, some MRE’s, a power generator, and plenty of high yield high risk short term paper (lottery tickets).
See you folks on the other side of the apocalypse!
Platypus: Good man. Planning ahead is important. After all this is over the only real currency will be food, shelter, weapons, and women of breeding age.
Worst. Comrade. Ever.
Pass the vodka.
“now I’m changing back into my jammies and I’m gonna go watch more cartoons until that stupid Judge Joe Brown show comes on.”
Strictly for the Tardcore: Into MSI?
dano: You forgot gasoline, with which to fuel our motorcycle gangs, and spiked football pads, with which to protect ourselves from mutant attacks.
Strictly for the Tardcore: I did not forget gasoline. When the collapse comes you’ll either be on foot or use horseflesh to get around. Suddenly the Amish won’t look so stupid after all.
Rush: FEC, SEC, Shia, Sunni, Putin, Merkl, Europe, South America…what’s the big diff?
My nightmare: McCain totally melts down during the debate, stares into the camera for 30 seconds, asks for the question to be repeated, then calls the moderator a cunt and storms off the set. The next day it is announced that he is stepping down as a candidate due to health reasons.
The MSM, bless their hearts, immediately pounce on the fact that now this election has become truly historic, because we can choose either the nations’ 1st black president or the nations’ first female president. Guess which way the bitters go?
In a move of cross-party reconciliation, Sarah Palin announces that Bob Barr will be her running mate.
Sometime in early February of 2009, WWIII begins.
Everybody dies.
Serolf Divad: sorry, the chinese don’t want texas. too many mexicans and the sooperhiway to canada scared them off
So, let’s all spend billions of taxes on companies that run themselve into the ground chasing phantom profits, meanwhile a poor kid in downtown New Haven can’t get treatment for diabetes, and one of my students has to work full-time to pay for one class in hopes of getting a degree in 8-10 years. *cries*
Britain, can you take us back? All is forgiven, all I want is your primo healthcare and education system. Hell, I’ll take accent lessons.
dano: Bicycles. The Amish still look stupid. Party like it’s 1699!
Bush looked like he was up until 8pm last night working on this….
He spoke for 8 minutes, without vomiting or falling over. Fox will say it was a great success.
“Republicans are the party of small government and less spending.” And they keep saying it with a straight face. Are you better off now than you were four hours ago?
I always feel so much better when Czar Daddy
speaks.
CNBC guy. “The New York Times is eating our dust.”
Oh my god.
Cogito Ergo Bibo: did he see his shadow?
TGY: Yes! Bikes! And the Chain Lube Holder will be King! If I take my seat-post out, it makes a pretty fearsome cudgel and my quick release chain links mean a quick scourge! Plus, I’ve been training for years now, never owned a car…my dodge and pedal skills are primo. Lance Armstrong for President King!
Johnny Zhivago: The ovaltine made him sleepy.
sara: we’ll have to fall on the grenade like cagney in the, fighting 69th. sorry, movie analogies are all i know.
One bright lining … Paul Krugman actually understands this crap. Make him the money czar.
facehead: Whore diamonds are a very sound investment nowadays.
Fox News: 3 to 4 o’clock today will be a very very crucial time.
I am NOT going to eat my cats. I heart them too damn much. So…sorry, hubby, but I bet you’d taste pretty good with smokey-sweet BBQ sauce…and you’ll last a heck of a lot longer in the coming cold cold winter…
There will be gin making in my bathtub tonight.
Babs Hula: Twill be the sell festival.
On the bright side, how do I look in my new suit?
http://imagecache2.allposters.com/images/pic/PTGPOD/286331~Man-Wearing-Barrel-Posters.jpg
Oh my god
Ah Harrr mateys! Now ya own AIG, what more booty can ya come up wid?
dano: Don’t forget the Pop Tarts.
Excuse me. Mr. gurukalehuru. Ron Howard on line 2.
freakishlystrong: Why try? Hit the fucker. It’s Lord of the Flies time
JadedDIssonance: It’s Mad Max: Beyond the Tour de France! Also, you can squirt people in the face with the sipping-water-bottle things and use the baseball cards in the spokes as ninja throwing stars. With suitably sharpened edges, of course.
This perfectly follows the arch of every other GW Bush business enterprise: guy goes in like a cocky bastard, runs things like a clueless moron, drives the joint to the ground, is bailed out at the last minute before disaster by deep-pocketed friends (in this case, us), and finally gets out of town leaving it to others to clean-up the mess. What’s new?
I didn’t mind living in Terry Gilliam’s “Brazil” so much. Not sure how happy I’m gonna be in the Soylent Green world.
SayItWithWookies: incest
slomojoe: Exactly. We knew he was a snake when the rednecks and Christianists voted in enough numbers for them to blatantly steal the elections without getting caught…
SayItWithWookies: Violence, death, destruction, rah! Violence, death, destruction, rah!
Strictly for the Tardcore: Or ate a pretzel and fell.
TGY: At least you can eat your horse if worse comes to worse.
dano: If he did, I have the feeling that folks would crazily demand a third term.
Let’s see if I have this right: First, those who have already shown they have no idea how the economy works or even what the acronyms for financial derivatives mean will put together a plan to save the economy.
Second, the testosterone soaked greedheads who created the mess that the first guys can’t figure out will line up to get as many bushel baskets full of million dollar bills as they want.
Third, those who have been hurt the most already, home buyers who stretched too far when they signed up for their mortgages, will continue to be driven from their homes. Those who aren’t left to die in the gutter will be shipped to the People’s Republic of China to work in tainted milk processing facilities or as unofficial organ donors for the doddering old (and young) fools who created all this.
The GOP I have always known is back.
donner_froh: yeah? Yeah? YEAH? Well at least they’re honest! [slits wrists]
donner_froh:
…and the rescue effort is being wrought in secrecy.
grendel: You joke, but the Big Three are filling out their apps for corporate welfare THe airlines can’t be far behind. Zaporozhets and Ilyushins all around!
I said all along that Shrubbie was Nixon Without Brains. Look how Felon Nixon-like he appears these days, drinking more and hiding out surrounded by a small coterie who are there as much to watch him as support him. It’s pathetic, and really creepy when you think about the weapons he has access to. The next step is something unconstitutional against the Dem’s to stem the tide; I hope the next Woodward ain’t asleep at the switch, but the surfeit of fascist journalists doesn’t bode well.
Speaking of the Constitution, could someone point out where the basis is for all these Old Boy bailouts?
madtowngooner: He’s Piggy..
Cashing out my life savings and buying seventy-five hundred pair of truck nutz doesn’t seem like such a rash decision after all. Where’s your messiah now?
Seriously, if we are going to bail out all these spoiled arrogant rich twits, we need to put a specail tax on them.
Not everyone who works for these bailed out firms, just that every peson who makes more than 300k and works for a bailed out firm, has to pay and extra 20k a year until the bailouts are paid back.
They also need to shut down the in house cafeterias in Fannie Mae and Sallie Mae, because I pay taxes and I don’t get a guy at a waffle station in the morning, a guy at the wok station at lunch, and pay less than 3 bucks for lunch.
If you work at a bailed out firm and have more than one home, second home is GONE—now for free stays in the Hamptons for injured veterans.
Have more than one car per person living in your primary residence? Gone! Now used for injured vets and the edlderly to be ferried to the VA or the Dialysis of wherever.
If you work at a firm bailed out by my tax money, and have more than two weeks a year vacation, that vacation is GONE!!!! But you can spend the three extra weeks of your five weeks vacation ayear cleaning bedpans at the VA or deleivering food to the homless.
You are NOT masters of the universe any more, you’re a welfare taker, a net drain on society.
I missed this “live”, as I’m lazy and live on the West coast, but now I’ve read it, I just wanted to say that this was the Best. Liveblog. Evar. Kudos, SKS, kudos!
LawrenceofArabia: Naw. Tricky Dick never left us. He lives in another Dick, Ole Dead-eye Darth, who’s probably sitting near his Maryland forest lair kicking back with a couple brewskis by the fire slamming down pulled pork sandwiches: “Hah! Last one standing will be me & Halliburton! Soon I’ll be living on my secret island just off the Fiji coast. If I want I’ll have Bernanke come paint my toenails.”
Bud1: and waterboarding. Don’t forget waterboarding as part of the persecution.