Wonkette
Guess who hasn’t been mentioned at all tonight? America’s favorite president, George W. Bush Junior! It’s as if Republicans haven’t held the White House for the past eight years. Who can remember that far back? So let’s welcome the new Geraldine Ferraro, “Barracuda Sarah” Palin — her own sister just called her that, on CNN — as she squeaks through a speech destined to give John McCain the SURGE he needs to finish this campaign as a complete sell-out loser who stands for nothing. Go Sarah!
9:16 PM — “John McCain’s presidential campaign is threatening a lawsuit against the National Enquirer over a print edition story the tabloid ran today alleging that Gov. Sarah Palin has had an extramarital affair with her husband’s business partner.” Wait, what?
9:17 PM — Just watching Rudy da Rat finish up. Thank the American God that John McCain is not afraid of choosing a strong anti-Islamic war hero as his vice president! It would be so great if Giuliani just fell over dead right now, and was found to be wearing a bondage outfit under that million-dollar suit — a bondage outfit made of korans.
9:20 PM — Hey, there’s going to be a funny video biography of Sarah Palin, set to banjo music. Let’s go refill our drinks and get ready for this great new show, narrated by Waylon Jennings and Sam McGee.
9:29 PM — Wait, what the hell, where’s the video biography? Rudy just kept screamin’ about Arabs forever! Anyway, hi Sarah. Sorry about, uh, this fucking train wreck, which you are at least partly responsible for, because you said “Yes” when Walnuts called.
9:31 PM — She already can’t lead: She’s been dumbly saying, “Thank you … Thank you so much” like a voice-mail robot for like nine hours now, instead of waving her hand and starting the speech.
9:32 PM — Video feed is blinking out as she says she’ll accept the nomination — legally, according to the Constitution, this means she can’t be the veep nominee and Ron Paul automatically becomes president.
9:32 PM — Let’s talk about the look, out of sexism. Well, she looks a lot better than Crazy Cindy! But the hair is kind of … frivolous, really. The top is okay, although it doesn’t work with those (fake?) pearls pushing right down on the collar. And she sounds like a nine-year-old kid.
9:34 PM — This whole thing of complaining about “politics” after freakin’ Rudy Giuliani gives a spittle-flying insane wingnut-radio rant, that’s just quaint. We mean, “bullshit.”
9:35 PM — Ha, do you know that she believes GOD made Cheney invade Iraq?
9:36 PM — Ugh, this is painful. Couldn’t somebody with a better voice and command of language just read a speech for her, offstage, the way the Chinese did the Olympic singing trick?
9:38 PM — This isn’t a veep nominee’s speech. It’s a goddamned infomercial for home-schooling.
9:38 PM — It’s a good thing Sarah Palin will be the friend and advocate of the special-needs kids, should she somehow get to the White House if everybody else running all dies, and all the voters die, in a plague. Because with Palin’s advocacy and, say, a personal fortune, you could take care of your special-needs kids!
9:40 PM — This is really incredible. We need a new, meaner word for “vapid lightweight.”
9:41 PM — She grew up with Harry Truman! No wonder people say she aged well — she’s 100 years old!
9:43 PM — Ha ha, community organizers help dirty negroes, but mayors of 6,000-population help white people.
9:44 PM — This is cute, watching her read the attack-dog speech. You are all free to hate her now, because she’s a tool.
9:44 PM — From ditzy hockey mom to snarling monster in 15 minutes! This really is like a terrible movie about rednecks on oxycontin.
9:45 PM — Good lord, this whole crowd is now madly chanting … NBC? CNN? US Weekly? It’s all a mesh of insanity.
9:46 PM — Ha ha ha ha John McCain wasted his whole life sucking off the national media, and now snowbilly gets the job of coming out and acting like this never happened, despite John McCain becoming a national celebrity in Nineteen-Seventy-Three and riding that story all the way to the GOP nomination after everybody else dropped out.
9:50 PM — Wow, these lies about the “Bridge to Nowhere,” which Palin supported, are going to end up being in Obama commercials tomorrow.
9:51 PM — But kudos to whoever wrote this part of the speech, because it makes her 18 months as governor sound like actual accomplishments, instead of an artfully constructed list of literally everything she did on every day as governor since 2007.
9:54 PM — It’s a chamber of commerce speech! (For the oil industry.)
9:55 PM — Oh my god that dirty negro wrote two books!!! (Wild cheering, stomping, standing, lynching ropes, etc.)
9:55 PM — Ha ha, she is complaining about the roar of a crowd, to the roar of a crowd. Do not try to follow this or your head will explode.
9:56 PM — “Victory in Iraq is in sight, and he [Obama] wants to forfeit.” Wait, isn’t Bush the president who just agreed to leave?
9:57 PM — What will be interesting is seeing this character speaking in front of anyone other than mouth-breathing GOP delegates. Because we have never seen such an ugly combination of dimwit “Meet my kids!” and pissy talk-radio talking points.
10:00 PM — It’s now 10 p.m. in the Central time zone, which means it’s 11 p.m. in the Eastern zone, which means Ohio and Florida and Pennsylvania (and Michigan, Kentucky, Tennessee and Virginia) all just lost their prime-time convention coverage. Remember, these conventions are for the registered-yet-baffled voters who come across the prime-time convention coverage. Good jerb, RNC!
10:07 PM — America, we’ve met Sarah Palin before. It was in junior high. She was that snarling evil god-obsessed nut who punished you constantly and enjoyed nothing more than torture — seeing you tortured, that is. And your parents would never quite believe it because she “seemed like a nice lady,” from a distance, with her squeaky voice.
10:08 PM — But, let there be no doubt, she will be hailed by the cable commentators as the greatest orator in American/World history, and then tomorrow the evil media will get back to reporting on whatever new cheap bullshit they dig up about her wingnut church and seventeen affairs and whatever. Hooray 4 America! Clap for the knocked-up teen-ager!
10:10 PM — Ol’ Walnuts McCain waddled out, as planned — he arrived at Xcel an hour ago — and gave Sarah a semi-human hug. She made the pursed lips.
10:11 PM — “Don’t ya think we made the best choice for the next vice president of the United States? And what a beautiful family.” Honestly, that’s what McCain just said. Dear god ….
10:12 PM — This weird scene is the only thing prime-time network teevee people saw on the West Coast. It’s kind of perfect.
10:14 PM — “She is a torpedo aimed directly at Barack and Michelle Obama. This has nothing to do with Hillary Clinton.” — Chris Matthews, just now, sounding kind of shocked and disgusted.
10:14 PM — Ha, Olbermann and Matthews are snapping at each other again. After Matthews’ pretty astute comments (astute because they are the same basic comments we made, HA), Olbermann says something weird about the name of a character from a movie, which he then has to mention (Election) and the actress (Reese Witherspoon), and then it passes to David Gregory and Matthews is muttering loudly, “Well that’s not what I think, that’s not my view.” Olbermann didn’t come to St. Paul because Chris Matthews is going to beat the shit out of him.)
she has a great face for porn.
She isn’t accepting anything, they haven’t had a roll call. IDIOTS
“and my hobbies are…”
So few, clapping for so long…
Phew! She accepted…
I can’t take 3 months of this accent, eh.
That poor baby is getting passed around like a hot potato.
Anybody notice that the adorable VP retardobaby is ALWAYS asleep? I think they sedate him.
Gawd, her voice makes me want to kill myself
John S. McCain
S stands for………?
I am so up for this. Pulse just under 200.
She should have come out ridin’ on a moose & shooting a rifle.
She really DOES sound like Karen Walker!
Cindy did a make over on Sarah! Palin’s got that 1960’s hairdo now that Cindy usually sports.
Just cuz I like thinking about Elizabeth Dole cursing, I’ll repeat:
I bet Elizabeth Dole is sitting at home right now with a big ol’ smile thinking, “fuck all a’ y’all.”
She just did the Bill Clinton thumb point. I do not know what this means.
John S. McCain? cool it on the S, Palin! McCain doesn’t like being reminded that his middle name is sidney!!!!
Levi best get his applause on. He’s looking a little week in the cheering section.
When are they gonna sacrifice that yummy baby they keep passing around?
Wingnut and dreadfully unqualified as she is, I can’t help but feel a little thrill down my leg at the thought that the Republican party’s new standard bearer will be an attractive, nice, authentic young lady rather than douchebags like Mitt Romney or Rudy Giuliani. For this alone, America owes a debt of gratitude to John S. McCain.
…her voice is already boring a whole through my eardrums!
Wow, the republicans are progressive. They accept nominations for Vise President before President. Wait, they don’t Ooops.
Do we really have to listen to this screeching voice for the next two months? Fuck.
This whole Convention looks like shit. The production value is shit. The crowd is old white men. The hall has empty patches. They chant “USA” and laugh at community organizers. They don’t have snappy video intros. It’s a shoestring convention in comparison to the DNC.
I wish someone would tell those Iraqi and Afghani bastards that were winning.
Looks like Levi got a free trip to Men’s Wearhouse today!
Is Levi the hawt tool with the buzz cut? Damn, I’d let him knock me up too, no doubt.
I had no idea that Alaskans had that fucked up Fargo accent. SNL is going to have a field day with Palin.
Rudy’s diatribe went so long that they had to ditch the warm up video for Palin. They can’t run a convention, and they want to run a country?
SkimLatteModerate: sidney
Losing wars is awesome. The country already lost in Vietnam, and thank goodness we got out of there!
“Profile encouraged?”
Is that like racial profiling?
Did the republicans just nominate Julia Sweeney?
Hey, she looks about seven months pregnant.
Talk about a screechy voice. Now I know what the Toddster took up snowmachining.
Victory within site? Did they ask the people on the ground? “Mission Accomplished” II
Awful, awful voice…
NoWireHangers: Oh my gawwwwd, it’s worse than Lynn Martin.
Viva la Cynthia: Keep an eye on the Maine delegation, I bet Olympia Snowe and Susan Collins are doing shots!
Eye-Rack Victory within sight! My kid is going over there! Have I mentioned that?
I totally halfway called the hair! Fucking loser RNC couldn’t decide. Up or down? Up or down? Losers. Trying to appeal to everyone satisfies no one. When will they ever learn? Now she’s not sexy librarian at work or sexy librarian at home–she’s like some junior choir leader. Totally not sexy. Fail.
Snowbunny McShrillmouth makes me so happy I don’t live in Alaska.
She talks like she’s masticating her face.
And did you know that John McCain was in the military? This is the first I’m hearing of this. Why didn’t they say so before?
Welcome Tracy Flick! Oh, and the S. stands for Syndey.
Viva la Cynthia: That’s what I said. If WALNUTS! wanted a woman, why not at least go with Elizabeth who isn’t a complete baffoon? He wanted a young, purdy one with babies.
What is with the strange non-specific accent. Also she just said, “lose an election, win a war.” DRINK
There she is!!!
Are Skipper and Gilligan appearing? Well, no, this is prolly more of a Thurston and Lovie crowd.
Now who’s this McCyayin character she keeps talking about?
She just said eye-RACK. Got that right. I, rack. But what about that country out there somewhere?
My son Track, as in “Track and Field”…
OMG she really DID just exploit the crap out of her Army son… and note the AND HE IS LEAVING ON 9/11 thing.
9/11? Again?
Oh, god–who the fuck paid his unit off so he could get shipped out on September 11??
Trak, Trig..why the fuck are her kids named after Winnie the Pooh characters?
Wait — yesterday we won in Iraq, and today victory is in sight? How did that happen?
*weak. whoops.
Idiocracy is on HBO. Just as accurate.
Less than 5 minutes and she already sold out the son headed to Iraq
is that an israeli flag on her collar?
God, they chant USA all the goddamn time. It’s scary.
Track is scared shitless.
UUUUUUSSSSSSAAAAAAA UUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSSSSAAAAAAAAAA
She sure sounds like a VP
I can’t take this. All I can think of is Mrs. Lubner’s famous egg-salad.
“Nooogies!”
This the ‘Platitudes in Cans’ section of the speech.
Lose the election or lose the war? Hey, why not both?
People weren’t kidding about the “imaginative” names.
Uh oh…here comes the grandchild reference……all cheer the teen pregnancy!
Keram2: They don’t even have to write anything since she already gave her children the most hilarious names ever!
My strong daughters? Except where common sense come sin …
Ahhh, how cute is she?
Track is kind of hot. But I would not do him because these people make way to many babies. And I do not want a baby because I am a bad American.
Here! I will sacrifice my son, I also have 4 extra children ready to die for America!
Mother McCain ain’t cheering for shit! Suck it, unwed teenage mothers!
SkimLatteModerate: Sweetums!!
Server…going….loopy….must…hang…on…
Godless Liberal *: She and Bill will be getting it on tomorrow during McCain’s speech.
Did I mention I gave birth to a child with Down syndrome rather than flushing her down the drain?
Oh yah, they’re going to send Bristol’s boyfriend to Iraq too. Just watch.
She’s introducing the family… this is going to take all night!
Oohh… she’s introducing Simple Trig !
How cute. Levi knows when to clap.
Levi looks like he’s having the time of his life.
Sidenote: When you name your kids dumbshit names like Track and Trig, you clearly need attention.
Bristol, Willow and Piper. Aren’t they from ‘Charmed’?
her family doesn’t seem typical from the outside, either!
I do not know what this means.
It means Monica Lewinsky’s got another job waiting for her in January.
Secret Service agent to Levi Johnston, “come with us.”
Levi Johnston, “Dude, it’s a school night.”
Secret Service agent, “Of course it is.”
Sarah Palin = VP
Rudy Giuliani = Attorney Genera;
Levi Johnson = Secretary of Hair Gel
She’s bragging about how many kids in her family enlisted. That’s because when you drop of school (or are chucked out) you have limited options, a fishing boat, the oil field or the military. Are these boys afraid of fishin or drillin?
…GAWWWWWWWWWWD, that voice!!!!!!!!!!!
OMG, Cindy just mounted Track!
You know you’re a redneck when you’re not even sure who the baby’s mom is.
Have another kid, Sarah! Matched set!
Yeah, good luck with those special needs babies if you DON’T HAVE HEALTH CARE. God, fuck the RNC
This is like an ad against breeding.
word, they’re using Trig like a prop. Wouldn’t it be better for him to not be at a convention right now? He going to grow up and write some fantastic memoirs. More lucid that anything ol’ Sarah Failin be saying.
Aww, cute kids!
Sorry, no snark.
Levi = KFED
They had all these days and THAT’S what they did with her hair? It looks like a hairdini threw up on the back of her head.
Wait… so are family off limits or political tools?
Yay! Ramps on the White House and the Clapper in all the rooms!
Finally an advocate for special needs families in the White House! Because Dems hate the handicapped apparently?
Did you see Todd throw the baby at the little one so he could wave? HA.
But you parents with special needs kids WON’T be getting any government help, just our friendship & prayers!
Oh wow, did you guys hear that Todd is a snowmobile racer?
well, maybe she’ll get the “special needs” vote.
what is this a home reunion?? lets meet the family??
hehe, quite a package
Oh, look, now she’s an advocate of the “special needs” set…..christ on a fucking hammock, the snowmobile reference……good god…..