John McCain Feels Up Levi Johnston

  walnuts is pregnant

Here’s some “raw video” from the AP of John McCain meeting the Palins and Bristol’s lover, Levi Johnston, at the Twin Cities airport today. Walnuts is so gay for this Levi, rubbing him up and shit — skip forward to about 1:10 and you’ll see! He does some full upper arm petting for a while, then slowly slides his hand down Levi’s arm for a goodbye “fingertip kiss” of sorts. Then he makes out with Trig, THE DEMON BAT BABY from the Womb of the Unknown Mother. [YouTube]

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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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85 comments

  1. Texan Bulldoggette

    Good to see they’re keeping the kids’ privacy a top concern & that they are hiding them from the media storm.

  2. Botswana Meat Commission FC

    You know Walnuts wants to cut Bristol’s head off right now for fucking up his news cycle. He’s such a bad actor, pretending like he’s all Happy Uncle Walnuts and shit.

  3. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Don’t worry, Levi. In 15 years, you can trade her in for someone that is fun with lots of money. Worked for me.

  4. Wagamuffin

    Why do all the men in that video have their arms hanging down by their sides—like, zero movement. Unless they’re deciding “Should I/Should’nt I” on hugs for the Old Guy—to some hilarious results as we can see. Why does Walnuts hug some and not others, especially those who clearly WANT to be hugged. Too needy?? He does kiss the baby, so he didn’t miss that one. I will rush to the msm and see how they interpret all this in their tea leaves.

    On a more humanitarian note: Good for Bristol for the big smile and the fact that she is not yet a blubbing puddle of protoplasm. That girl’s tough. BRISTO PALIN: we here at Wonkette salute you for your “fuck you” attitude.

  5. floraway

    He is so awkward. Even with his own family. Nothing seems real or fluid.

    [re=81214]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Yeah, it is so nice of them to yell at the media for covering their photo ops and the information that they released to the press.

  6. flyingspaghettimonster

    who’s the Tentative Hugger!??? the self-proclaimed “F’ckin’ Redneck” is looking hot in his new sweater, and Track is totally doable with his basic training haircut.

  7. Borat

    I was sure he would come in on a private jet so he doesn’t start talking to people.

    Did they put him in First Class? How many handlers waz he with. America needs to know about how these elitist snowbillies live

  8. NoWireHangers

    I’ve never noticed how stiff and awkward WALNUTS! is. Are we absolutely sure rigor mortis hasn’t set in?

  9. Dorje Drolo

    Democrats needs to point this out QUICK: it’s bait and switch!

    Walnuts picks the underqualified, scandal-plagued, and way-too-busy-with-young-uns Caribou Barbie to be his VP. She is forced out by troopergate, earmarks, and the bridge to nowhere, but the talking heads claim it is because of attacks (sniffle) on her beloved family.

    This lets Walnuts choose a moderate at the last minute. The party base stays behind him because their girl was viciously attacked (!), and independents and moderates are drawn in by a reasonable experienced pick. Some other governor.

    Damn, these Republicans are devious.

  10. StupidGeek

    [re=81235]Wagamuffin[/re]: I believe it was that “fuck you” attitude that got Bristol in this position in the first place.

  11. KittyKatMan

    Cindy loves those reject dresses from Burlington Coat Factory.
    After watching this, I feel snorting some arsenic.

  12. kellygrrrl

    A source at L.A. baby store Petit Tresor says a baby gift was sent to Bristol Palin from Jamie Lynn Spears.

    Great Message ReThugs! hey, you teen girls, want to be famous, want to have famous friends? Get yo’ ass knocked up

  13. seriesoftubescleaner

    Walnuts: “Levi, good to meet you. How are you my friend?”
    Baby Daddy Redneck: “Just f–kin’ chillin’ I guess.”
    Walnuts: “Wow, you have such strong hockey arms, yet such soft big hands…”
    Baby Daddy Redneck: “Ya f–k with me I’ll kick ass!”

  14. 4tehlulz

    I’m sorry WALNUTS, but this piece of performance art isn’t working; go back to campaigning for real.

    This is performance art, right?

  15. OffTheRecord

    I don’t know why but this is the first time I have felt really sorry for Bristol. Not only does she have to have a baby and get married at freaking 17 (which seriously I think would just be awful beyond words because I am an emotionally stunted 23 year old with a broken biological clock), but she has to act like she is happy about it in front of the whole world so Mommy and that creepy old man can get to run the country.

  16. AngryBlakGuy

    …are we sure that WALNUTS! adopted daughter isn’t pregnant either? She is looking a little on the plump side.

  17. Neilist

    Am I the only one who is starting to think this is Just Too Weird to be true?

    Like, we’ll all wake up after November 4, and this will have been the Alternative Reality Dream Sequence or something?

    But with the Twist Ending, e.g., we turn on the TV, and Faux is announcing that President Sarah Palin has just sent crack units of the Alaska National Guard across the Bering Straits to liberate the freedom-loving peoples of Russia . . . .

  18. dingleberries

    McCain was so excited rubbing Levi that he almost got his arms
    up above his head… therefore proving that that whole POW torture
    thing was really just about being awkward at showing affection.

  19. SayItWithWookies

    “Nice to meet you Levi. Well well — if I had had a strapping young cellmate like you in Vietnam, I woulda stayed there for another five and a half years.”

  20. DieOnTheTurnpike

    [re=81261]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: And what the fuck is Black McCain wearing anyway? She needs to be the next contestant on What Not To Wear stat!

  21. Valerie

    No sign of Caribou Barbie’s stepmom. You know…the one she campaigned AGAINST to replace her as mayor(ess?) of Snowscooterville.

  22. The Incomparable Tiny Valdez

    It reminds me of one of those experimental films I used to watch at Anthology Film Archives in the ’70s.

  23. shoeho

    Are the three older (I mean, “the normal age kids of JSM should be”) people before the GLIF Walnut’s first kids? The two guys in polos are the sons in the Navy/Marines. Could his mystery kids actually have shown to protect Mom’s medical bills?

  24. NoWireHangers

    [re=81269]DieOnTheTurnpike[/re]: Poor thing. She always looks so awkward and sad, yet she’s always sporting that huge smile. Bless. The outfit looks like Meghan decided to play Barbie with her. I wonder if they’ll acknowledge her at the convention.

  25. The Incomparable Tiny Valdez

    Why do they have to drag that baby everywhere they go? Just think, when Bristol and Skeeter Johnston’s baby Moosechip is born, he can play with his eight month old uncle Trig.

  26. shortsshortsshorts

    I hope Levi gets to speak tonight:

    “Sup mother fuckas. I’ll fuckin’ slice any hoe that don’t vote for baby-daddy. I ain’t fuckin’ around neitha’. Vote McCain.”

  27. Fear of a Black Reagan

    C’mon! There must be a tape out there somewheres of strapping hockey redneck Levi’s “Big” Johnson banging hawt unwed teen preggo Bristol Palin? FIND IT RIGHT NOW PEOPLE!!!

  28. Fishpaw

    He’s surprisingly decent looking … and now I understand what Republicans really mean when they say they support drilling in Alaska.

  29. choinski

    He seems to greet him the way the Frankenstien Monster would. Do his elbows bend at all?

    Ha ha – ‘button fly Levi’

  30. blackdontcrack

    Oooh whos that beefy boy in the blue polo who awkardly hugs mccain around :20? I want him now! i hate you tucker bounds.

  31. bup

    Abstinence-only education may finally work! If you get somebody pregnant, they FLY YOU DOWN TO THEIR CONVENTION, DRAG YOU UP ON STAGE ON LIVE TELEVISION AND ANNOUNCE THAT YOU’RE A SLUT. Plus you still have to marry her.

    I might actually sign my kids up for this program.

  32. shoeho

    [re=81287]Johnny Zhivago[/re]: I’m reminded of a bumpersticker from LA during my grad school days at Tulane. “Vote for the Crook, it’s Important.” This is not the first time some serious wingnut milita or worse type has tried for public office. Oy, vey, we’re as doomed as the deer on the National Observatory grounds if this trainwreck gets elected.

  33. BamaGuy

    CREEPY… how McCain touches this trailer trash idiot-studboy in such an intimate MORE than friendly way… Look at it again and you will see he is petting the boy, the communication is clear: “NICE BOY, GOOD BOY…” WTF – this irresponsible teenage moron boy was so stupid he did not use a condom and now he is going to be a father before he has an education and a career. REPUBLICAN FAMILY VALUES.

  34. shoeho

    [re=81295]blackdontcrack[/re]: This is either John or Jimmy, the two sons by Cindy. I’m pretty sure the older ones are Doug and Andy, and the older woman (relative to Meghan, she’s about the GLIF’s age) is Sidney Anne, his oldest daughter.

  35. sezme

    It’s like every time you turn around, the Palins have multiplied again. They’re like fucking amoebas; I just can’t keep track (Track!) anymore!

  36. RooseveltFranklin

    Why does Cindy allow Bridget to wear an outfit that makes her look like Sigmund the Sea Monster?

  37. Gopherit v2.0

    What was awkward was watching the old “rear admiral” back up into Track.

    All class, bringing your daughter’s douchebag baby-daddy on the campaign trail. Gotta love this made for divorce shotgun wedding they’re creating.

  38. WadISay

    Old Levi Facebook Page: I’m a fucking redneck, here to kick some fucking ass, and here’s a picture of Briss and my middle finger. Me inna relationship but don’t wanna be tied down n shit.

    Post Herd-o-Lawyers Facebook Page: I embrace my rural heritage, and would be proud aggressively to defend it, were it threatened. Here’s a picture of Bristol and me, in a playful moment. I am waiting to slip on the ring to perfect the relationship with my lover and my best friend. John McCain, WHO WAS A POW FOR 5 AND A HALF YEARS, has been like a second father to us.

  39. CivicHoliday

    It is so painful watching T-Rex and his 6 inch arms try to hug people. Over and over and over. And didn’t it look like he so wanted to caress the fetus in Bristol’s uterus? Eeewww.

  40. professor.cj

    [re=81332]Valerie[/re]: I’m more interested in Hair-up? or Hair-down? I think she may surprise us and go Hair-down to show America her softer side, and that she’s-really-just-one-of-us in the first half of her little talk about her family and her children, then come out hard against the hateful bloggers (um, hey, us!) and MSM in the second half, but not seem like a vendictive pol because her hair is so shiny and all.

    I want to take out an ad in USA today (um, yesterday, for today?): When watching Palin speak, America, remember Sideshow Mel, and divert your attention from the big noises and shiny things: Hate can come in shiny packages.

  41. Gopherit v2.0

    [re=81451]hockeymom[/re]: That might imply she acknowledges what a gift she received in having a child. Being a true Pro-Lifer, though, now that he’s out of the womb, he’s someone else’s problem.

    I suspect, in a perfect Sarah Palin world, she would have been allowed to just leave him on an ice flow.

  42. flyingspaghettimonster

    Was Walnuts MARRYING them right on the tarmac?

    Looked like he pressed a condom into ol’ Redneck’s palm and wispered “next time, use it!!”

  43. Terry

    OMG, they’re like a modern day Joad family, aren’t they?

    Oh, and why did Cindy McCain dress Bridgit in a top and skirt that don’t match?

  44. pickleandcake

    and why does he force the poor youngest Palin girl to wave her hand? he sort of picks up her arm and flings it around. so much awkward.

  45. azw88

    Let’s see… this poor hockey player has gone from bragging about banging the daughter of the guv, to having knocked up the daughter of the gov, to having his girlfriend dragged off a couple of hundred miles (man, the guv really takes that whole not-seeing-the-bride-before-the-wedding pretty damned serious) to having his name bandied about in the press, to standing on a tarmac and shaking hands with Mr. “you know, he was a Prisoner of war” (here in AZ, I have called him McCarpetbagger for ages).

    And he thought being able to brag about banging the guv daughter made him cool!

  46. azw88

    and ya gotta wonder if the happy couple to be will get their own room?? It’s not like they can do anything they haven’t already done…. well, unless hockey-boy managed to pick up a copy of the Karma Sutra at the airport on his way in…..

  47. azw88

    OMG: I just figured out what McCain was doing to the happy couple! The whole up-n-down motion was his demonstration of how to perform “mutual masturbation” as an effective means of birth control!

    Also, I would love to know what Sarah Phailin said to hockey-boy to get him to fly out and stand by his girlfriend: “Boy, you get yer ass out her and play lovey-dovey with my daughter because if we lose this election, me and my hubbies homies will will go Eskimo on your ass. We gonna freeze your exposed, wet nut-sack to iceberg!”

  48. bugland

    “Heeere’s Bristol! Wave at the nice cameras, Bristol! Now grab my– No, you can’t look at her! What are you doing, saying things about her? BAD media!”

  49. Jingo

    I hate seeing John McCain beg… he’s a war hero for chrisakes! Why didn’t Levi just let him smell his fingers?

  50. ProgHead777

    My god, did a tornado pass nearby towards the end of the video or did the snowbillies all switch on their vibro-pants when McCain started fondling them?

  51. JuliaG

    From my blog (www.iamrad.tumblr.com):

    While you can’t actually hear what McCain is saying, I imagine it’s something like this:

    0:10 – Hi Honey, you sober? No? Well try not to talk to any reporters then ok?

    0:13 – Oh hey Bridget! You know, even though my other kids hate me, remember, you’re adopted, so I still have to love them more than you. But thanks for coming out!

    0:22 – Whoa, hey buddy. We almost kissed there didn’t we? Can’t let that happen. All my evangelical votes will go away. Heh, heh.

    0:43 – What the F? Who the hell are you? OH Sarah Palin! My new VP! Sorry, I didn’t recognize you seeing as we’ve only met once and all.

    0:49 – And this is your husband. Oh what? He likes to drive snowmobiles? That’s great. I’ve made a great choice here. Just great.

    1:01 – And you must be Bristol. Pregnant and 17. That is so great. You know what else would have been great though? If you didn’t go trolloping all over town and kept it in your pants.

    1:12 – And that would make you Levi, the baby daddy. I want to thank you so much for ruining my campaign. Really. Oh, and just fyi in case you’re thinking of doing anything stupid like cheating or running off on your little lady remember, I cut off a man’s nutsack in ‘Nam with a ball point pen and I have no qualms about doing the same to you. Ok? Ok.

    1:42 – Oh hey who’s this little feller? Oh what? It’s the downs baby? Shit Cindy, that’s the kind of thing you should tell a man before he kisses it. Huh? You can’t get the ‘tardation from kissing a baby? Well ok then.

    2:00 – (Thinking to himself) Jesus christ I’m fucked.

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