Wonkette
JOHN McCAIN ONE-THIRD DEAD ALREADY: “There is a roughly 1 in 3 chance that a 72-year-old man will not reach the age of 80, which is how old McCain would be at the end of a second presidential term. And that doesn’t factor in individual medical history, such as McCain’s battles with potentially lethal skin cancer.” This is why it’s so important to get him elected as quickly as possible, before pieces start falling off. [Politico]
THAT'S AGEIST
All part of Caribou Barbie’s master plan.
I don’t know about 1/3 dead, but I do know that 1/3 of his face is sitting in a drawer full of petri dishes at the Bethesda Naval Hospital.
There is a roughly 1 in 3 chance that a 72-year-old man will not reach the age of 80.
And that’s if he sits quietly in a room with his stamp collection, not when he’s trying to manage one of the most taxing jobs in the world.
Look, just hand over the fetus and nobody gets hurt. This is nothing a 2×4 and a backyard can’t settle.
…I thought Nosferatu couldn’t die?!
At this point, if I were the Repubs I’d be more worried about his encroaching senility than him dying.
Press Man wearing Hat with Press tag: “Mr President, what do you plan on doing on the sticky economic issues like runaway inflation?”
Walnuts: “I did the icky…”
Sara, what a meanie you are. Pieces don’t fall off Walnutz, only the planes he used to fly.
Itz okay. Alaska gets 24 hours of sun every day in the winter, so Sarah Palin is an expert on skin cancer. She’ll fix it.
Apparently doctors place him in the “good health” category, because unlike you or me he can pay for adequate health insurance.
Oh ya and Walnuts doesn’t give a shit about you.
…I always thought he was already dead and his handlers just carried him around “Weekend at Bernies” style!
Statistically-speaking, there’s about 1/3/ chance Sara won’t make it to Thursday.
but a 98% chance of getting to inauguration day.
btw, william henry harrison caught a cold on his inauguration day and died one month later.
AngryBlakGuy: Weekends with the Cheney’s must be…quiet. Wait. He’s the UNdead one, right? Sounds like McCain might be one crusty GOP lovebite away from eternal life! Grampy/Grumpy forevah!
…he’s got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll’s eyes. When he comes at ya, doesn’t seem to be living… until he bites ya, and those black eyes roll over white and then… ah then you hear that terrible high-pitched screamin’. The ocean turns red, and despite all the poundin’ and the hollerin’, they all come in and they… rip you to pieces.
But if you throw water on him, he’ll melt.
Before he picked Palin, it wasn’t his age I was worried about, it was his ability to make a clear, rational decision based on facts. Because he apparently doesn’t know the facts and doesn’t seem to make dispassionate decisions. Now, after he picked Palin, I worry about fuckin’ everything.
WALNUTS! is a third dead, Cindy’s half in the bag, we’re all winners!
Right offhand I’d say it’s the top third, excepting living la vida loca face cancer.
I’m glad that the article quoted Chuck Norris in an unironic way. He is finally getting his due as one of America’s foremost political thinkers.
This is why McCain’s not so much a maverick as he is a spiteful bastard who wants to live just long enough to take down America before he goes.
“Enjoy the Alaskalypse, and see you all in hell, suckers!” - Love Mac
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v-AiqGC0buo
AngryBlakGuy:
The GOP does a commendable job of covering the staples on his head.
HopeNutz: Grrrr, I meant SUMMER. They get 24 hours of sun per day in the SUMMER.
Unfortunately, when he breaks up into hundreds of pieces, each of them reanimates into a tiny John McCain.
Maybe he’s taking his queue from the Catholic breeders of history. He’s close to death, and wants to have Sarah around to pray him into heaven.
I mean, the one thing we know from here thorough (and presumably arduous) vetting is that she has a direct line to The Almighty Jeebus.
KittyKatMan: Awesome! The GOP Vetting Emporium and Taco Stand. “If we screw up your vetting process, the next one is freeeeee!”
I woke up today to see McCain getting off a plane and then he did the robot into the arms of a line of hesitant snowbillies. One by one he relayed a brief, identical anecdote to them about the Hanoi Hilton. Then they all got on the Straight talk express and many of the women are probably being impregnated out of wedlock right now, the end.
Terry:
Wow. Robert Shaw was on to something.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AIn_fFWPaUU
Seriously? Did they have to use the female/male voices to make sure that you remember that she’s got girl parts and he’s got boy parts?
ManchuCandidate: Yea, all that joking about RR in 1986 with the falling asleep in cabinet meetings and not remembering shit was kind of funny. Until we found out a few years later that he had Alzheimers. Was I the only one who prayed the guy with the football was trained to say,”Mr. President, Nancy says not today.”
I look at him, and frankly, it looks like the man died but they saved the tumor.
floraway:
Whatever you do, don’t ask specifics about Palin’s bi-partisan reform. Rick Davis will shit himself.
Mostly dead means he’s still got some life in him. And we saw that life rear it’s head when he was checking out Palin’s ass while fiddlin’ with his wedding ring.
Shit, what’s with the McCain death watch? He’ll probably live as long as his evil mother.
I wonder if a dead McCain would poll better than the live one? Zombie McCain? We all like brains. I’m just saying that Republicans need to think about killing McCain and reanimating his corpse to walk the earth as a soulless automaton.
http://thesebastards.blogspot.com/
If he wins (Al-Mighty forbid), he’s a 1/3 chance of being killed by either Al-Qaedans, Al-Zheimers or Al-Askans.
Someone please run McCain’s birthday through http://www.deathclock.com. DOB is 8/29/36. I would do it myself but the office internet thinks its a porn site. At least we’ll have a betetr idea of when we have to move the capital to Cicely, Alaska.
I still think he’s gonna die before the Election. Then we can watch Trophy Veep meltdown on National TeeVee.
He’s one third dead, and everyone knows the body is two-thirds water…
…so he’s basically dead in the water.
Truculent: Holy shit. It said “your time has expired.” I have never seen the death clock do that before……..
eery. Walnuts should already be dead.
Miller:
When do we get to thwack GOP skulls with bats like in “Shaun of the Dead”?
shortsshortsshorts: And if you run Cheney’s birthday, the site says “HAIL SATAN”
Truculent: What’s his BMI and height?
shortsshortsshorts: you’re kidding…!?!
tunamelt: He’s 5′7″ re: imdb… dunno the weight, but I wouldn’t guess less than 180.
shortsshortsshorts:
New Movie:
McCain’s Run
“Capricorn 15’s. Born 1044. Enter the Carousel. This is the time of renewal.”
tunamelt: Haha, it’s true! WALNUTS! was supposed to die in 1990! And I was being generous with the BMI!
ManchuCandidate:
Holy Shit! I just watched that on Sunday!
McCorpse definitely needs a New You. “Pay attention, Gland Man.”
ManchuCandidate: “Change we goths and vandals can believe in.”
Someone poke him with a stick. No Senator Craig, I said “Stick.”
Servo: Cogito Ergo Bibo: …little do you all know that they replaced his blood with Formaldehyde somewhere around the turn of the century!
AngryBlakGuy:
I thought they replaced it with that milk-white android shit, hence the complexion.
That is assuming he’s not a cyborg like Cheney.
Women have a better chance of reaching 80. Also, his mother and aunt are still alive so the McCain women live long lives. Therefore, I think McCain might be contemplating a sex change to increase his odds. Either that, or he’s recruiting the Palin girls to be fetus-farms for his insatiable desire for stem cells.