Wonkette
LOLLLLLLZZZZZ: “WASHINGTON (AP) - Former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani will give the keynote address at the Republican National Convention next month.” COMEDY. GOLD. [AP]
GOOD CHOICE IDIOTS
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12:59 PM
on Wed August 20 2008
By
Jim Newell
1068 Views
9/11 changed everything and McCain learned this over 5.5 years about 35 years ago.
I already wrote the speech!
9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11
Have we forgotten?
9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11
In the wake of the John Edwards scandal, the GOP is eager to remind voters that they too have egomaniacal douches who cheat on their wives WITH OTHER WOMEN as opposed to hobos and guys they met at the rest stop.
Repeat 9/11 as many times as necessary in Daffy Duck voice.
Can I haz $100K now for writing your speech, 9ud11?
9/11 interpretive dance to Enrique’s “Hero”?
They wanted Fred Thompson, but he backed out when he heard it would be at 9 o’clock at night.
shortsshortsshorts:
columnv:
Jinx Jinx Jinx Jinx
It’s so McCain will look less of philandering marital surrender monkey
SEPTEMBER THE ELEVENTH, ALAN!!!
*Sob*
“Why don’t you love me!? I’m Amur’cas Mayor, remember? I’ve already got my affairs punch card all filled in, an’ I hate poor people and minorities…*sniff*…What else do you want!?”
*Sob*
Immediately afterwards, Jack Bauer will drag a hippie in off the street, stick a grenade up his ass, and detonate him in front of the howling crowd. Blood and viscera will rain down, setting the stage for Cheney’s address to the assembled throng.
Ground zero, 911, TERRA!
chitownlib: Holy MOLE-y would that be entertaining. All most as good as when he guest-starred on SNL’s “Janet Reno’s Dance Party”
Good choice, I think he will set the tone for the GOP convention: creepiness and defeat.
If the RNC is going to parade out all their sad muppet losers from the primaries, I hope they reserve a place for Tom “I See Mexicans” Tancredo, Fred “Weekend and Bernies” Thompson, and Alan “Crazy Eyes” Keyes.
He should just go up, say “Noun, Verb, 9/11,” then leave and go cash the check.
I’m thinking we should have a 9/11 drinking game… and a stomach pump
I wonder if his speaking time will be 9:11?
Is Wonkette going to have an official count the 9/11 references contest?
If so, I predict 9iu11iani will say it 911 times.
freakishlystrong: There will be a moment of silence for the fallen at 9:11, followed by the execution of 911 randomly selected Muslims.
…first Lieberman then 9ui11iani, this looks like a setup for a PRO-CHOICE VP. Tom Ridge anyone?
Rudy in St. Paul? I hear he’s eye-talian, doncha know.
This should be good. Enough firefighters and other people in NYC still hate his ass that he’ll be a nice controversial pseudo-fascist wart on the RNC’s ass. Long live America’s fuhre– I mean, mayor!
Scarab: Dammit, did they change the theme again? I thought it was going to be “sissy tears and ass lube”.
grendel: Are you trying to pickle yourself?
4tehlulz: Ingredients: Reagan, defeat/hunt/kill/defend, 9/11, “tear down this wall”, Jeebus, islamo-fascists, freedom.
Toss together with fear for zest. Serves: way too many.
Giuliani, an excellent representative of McCain as a fellow douche living off the memory of surviving misfortune.
I hear he’s going to arrive by flying a 747 into the Xcel Energy Center.
Though…wait…wouldn’t that mean he has to leave Florida? Hmm.
Its gonna be like the smurfs : My 9/11 will be the most 9/11 in the 9/11 9/11 while I walk through the 9/11 in the 9/11 moments, we shall 9/11 those 9/11s with our huge enormous 9/11.
THAT TIME DAD HAD AN ETHNIC CROSS DRESSER WITH AN ACCENT AND ONE TESTICLE MAKE A SPEECH FOR HIM.
loudmouthredhead: I miss when the repugs were all on the Reagan kick. Perhaps the best debate in the history of man was at the Reagan Library. That drinking game almost put many of us in the hospital.
“REAGAN.”
“9/11″
“EXTREMISTS”
“REAGAN.”
Rinse and repeat.
Ratbert as the face of the GOP. Perfect in every way.
shortsshortsshorts: Exactly. I kept praying the supports for Ronny’s plane would give way and crush the lot of them, but oh well.
C’mon, there’s only a 60% chance he’s going to do it in drag. You know how long a burlesque number with a 9/11 backdrop, endorsing John McCain through song and dance takes to choreograph?
http://thesebastards.blogspot.com/
Bernard Kerik is going to speak on the theme of integrity.
Rudi? Couldn’t they get Pee Wee Herman?
shortsshortsshorts: I vaguely remember that speech. I’m shocked their were any survivors.
For the proposed 9iu11iani drinking game, I propose:
“nine-eleven” = 1 drink
“September the Eleventh” = 2 drinks
“September the Elventh, Two-Thousand One” = 3 drinks
and the rarest of 9iu11iani memes:
“September the Twelfth” = 5 drinks
Before this game begins, it would be preferable to have an EMT unit on standby.
AngryBlakGuy: Nah, not going to happen. Mr. Speak-at-Bob-Jones-U would never cross that crowd again.
The guy who put NYC’s emergency response headquarters in the WTC — which is truly exemplary of the decisive, from-the-gut leadership that we’ve had for the last eight years and can expect from four more of McCain.
The Incomparable Tiny Valdez: then he and Rudy are going to co-present a seminar on “How to Keep a Love Nest for Your Mistress on the Public Nickel”
loudmouthredhead: you forget “experience experience experience experience, tested tested tested”
johnbpt: Ha! Ha! Ratbert!! Even better than Ferret-face!!
Truculent: It would have to be a Hippie-baby, then. Or a box full of kittens with small Obama shirts. The Dark Lord wouldn’t show without a pure blood sacrifice.
the line up is seriously giving me the creeps…one monster after another…
locally its being reported that Bobby Jindal has been given the slot after Cindy….but before the Veep candidate….
Perhaps he can offer some pointers on how to lose.
Now first you must cure your temper
Then you find a job in the paper
You need someone for a savior
Oh Rudy can’t fail
Truculent is onto something — Just before the ass grenade, Rudy will screech a long speech about 9-11 while the the big screen will show fast, soft images of Obama, Jane Fonda, Black Panthers, Dennis Hopper from ‘Easy Rider’, Hendrix setting fire to his guitar at Monterey, and Osama bin Laden. Any old white people who haven’t shit their pants by then will be howling for Democratic blood when Cheney stalks across the stage and shouts “Seig Heil!”
Can I just note that there is a depressing lack of alt text on pictures today?
I would have loved to be at the meeting when the brain trust came up with this idea: Yeah, Rudy, that’s the one, you know the candidate that got more unpopular as people got to know him…hmm, well maybe we can get ah,…. um,…. ok, Rudy, yeah he’s our guy!
Comedy Gold, that’s an understatement.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one:
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Sept. 11
Sept. 11 who?
You said you’d never forget me!!
It is my dream, nay, my prayer, to have Craziani serenaded by the conventioneers with a rousing rendition of “Hello Rudy” as he steps to the podium before a kick line of chorus boys. Then a trap door will quickly open and drop him into a cage of starving wolverines who have been to watch daytime TV for the past week. If I have a fault, it is that when I dream, I dream big.
I think we should declare that day Rudy Day. Everyone should wear drag and only say in a bass monotone: Are you my wife?
He’ll announce his support for McCorpse to drill for oil in the East River.
Strictly for the Tardcore:
Also,
-Any reference to Dems having a “pre-Sept 11th mindset” or “Sept 10th worldview” = drink
-Referring to “that peaceful September morning” or “beautiful sunny morning” = Bong Hit
-References to how the attacks “changed everything” = big long hit of liquid Rush or other poppers
Oh Rudy, girl, we miss your sweet ass on teh teevee, stumbling around in your Blahniks, feeling up teh donaldz or blowing firefighters or something. Nothing says “freedom” quite like America’s Mayor™, hero of 911, icon of republican strength, masculinity and morality falling all over the place like a tween girl in her first Hello KItty stiletto heels backstage at a David Archulletta concert. RuPaul deepthroating cock looks more manly than you, even when you cross-dress into a suit complete with flag pin while fluffing Lieberman on stage at the republican convention, but we love you anyway, because you Know How to Take Care of Business. Oh, almost forgot. Nine one one.
And of course, by love, I refer exclusively to the very specific niche-love you practice: “pseudo-anonymous anal spelunking with crack dealing underage male prostitutes you met while trolling for interns on MySpace after attending a church service with your shrewish, bitter wife-beard and mouth-breathing cross-eyed offspring” kind of love.
S.Luggo:We’re talking Minnesota. They would be golden gophers, which while not as inherently evil, would take longer to kill him.
This really is a stroke of genius. They’ve chosen someone who actually has a less compelling oratorical style than the nominee . . . who also, possibly, has an even weirder shaped head.
ProfessorJukes: We called him “Il Duce” back in the day. I came accross a message file down load from a Compuserve forum (ask your grandparents kiddies) where I was lambasting “Il Duce” on 9/10/01. Gonna be a file to keep on an old hard drive, whatever.
pondscum: All the better. http://www.interestingmoney.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/02/angry_gopher.jpg
grendel: It should be the 9/11 fucking game. Foreplay as he’s introduced. Penetration as he begins speaking. Then, one thrust for each time he says “9/11.”
Use a LOT of lube or the friction will set contact points on fire.