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WE JUST ASSUMED HE WAS DEAD: “Former Vice President Al Gore has accepted a speaking role on the final night of the Democratic convention, appearing on the same stage that Barack Obama will officially receive the Democratic Party’s presidential nomination.” Presumptuous. Would it be so wrong to pray for rain? [CNN]
2:00 PM
on Tue August 19 2008
By
Jim Newell
723 Views
Wonkette
An inconvenient douche.
It’ll be fine, as long Gore doesn’t jam his tongue down Hopey’s mouth or up Tipper’s ass.
Al’s advice to Barack? Don’t hire ANY of the senior staffers Al did.
I would donate to charity my Dixiecrat hologram superdelegate’s credentials AND fly the flag right-side up if Gore would give Barry a big smackin’ kiss like THAT at the cornvention!
Mother nature’s golden shower of orgasm upon the DNC
Secksy picture all ways make me howrny.
He was once a tenth level VP and moonworm watcher.
There is still a chance that the Democratic nominee will be assassinated, and Al Gore can then rescue America and the world, and also spit on Hillary.
ManchuCandidate:
Er, Rider.
Wow, how nice of Al. This must be cutting into his nightly ritual of scarfing a thousand Little Debbies while wanking to images of Bill Richardson’s much sexier loser-beard.
…this should be an electrifying, fire brand speech!!!
In light of the discovery of Al’s ongoing liveness, please remove references to “Better dead than red” and substitute “Better lean than green.” Thank you. Eds.
4tehlulz: The true cause of climate change (We Can Believe In).
Larry Fine: Save the world!? After he invented global warming? Are you mad!?!?
I will be at the speech. And the globe will be warmed.
Didn’t Al Gore go off to the northern wilderness to become a lumberjack?
Great! The fiery, rousing stage presence of Gore will bring the convention to a fantastic climax! Wait, you WERE talking about Lesley Gore right? Aw, shit, we’re hosed.
Strictly for the Tardcore: And the internet, of course, and the television version of You Tube, for some reason, which nobody watches (yes maybe sometimes).
Terry: What about Kevin Spacey? He was a good Gore staffer.
Hey! It’s the Snack Lamprey!
People of Denver he has ridden the mighty moon worm, has inspected Barack Obama and found him carbon neutral and powered by geothermal heat. Gore gives his thumbs up to this whole campaign.
http://thesebastards.blogspot.com/
I can hear the moderately excited crowd chanting, right before Al Gore is to appear, Power Point, Power Point, Power Point…
I thought Hopey was all about change? Why are all these DNC fossils going to be dragged out? I still think Pantsuit & CharmSchool are gonna hijack the whole enchilada…
Al better regrow that beard, what with all the bearded hipsters gazing up at him.
shortsshortsshorts: …what is this “television” you speak of, and how do they get YouTube on it?
freakishlystrong: “Pantsuit & CharmSchool” sounds like a campy, 70’s cop show. Or a campy 70’s porno.
Gore also invented obesity.
He’s gonna ride in on a bio-fuel powered rainbow iceberg float, whilst unicorns and baby seals prance with joy and . . . and then he’ll kiss Tipper, like never before, while the song “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” plays.
You think I’m kidd’in.
Strictly for the Tardcore: Porn, most absolutly porn..
Who’s going to introduce Hopey? Geraldine Ferraro?
shortsshortsshorts: He didn’t invent that, he caught it off Tipper Gore’s tonsils (where it had been deposited by a Louisiana long-haul trucker…)
The conventions are the highlight of the Gores sex life.
Still, you have to be careful. It would be terribly embarrassing if the convention accidentally nominates Clinton (Bill) and Gore as the ticket.
If I were Al, I’d slap my oscar down on the podium before the speech and wear my Nobel Prize award. Then at the end of the speech, I’d turn to the cameras and say something like “I’d like to add that you could have voted for me but instead you voted for that guy I kept on telling you was an idiot because you’d rather have him over for a beer instead of me. How’d that work for you? My fellow Americans, suck it.”
Hooray For Anything: +10
Hooray: win.
It seems that NBC pulled the SNL skit off of YouTube. Ah well.
Announcer:
And now, a message from the President of the United States.
President Al Gore:
Good evening, my fellow Americans.
In 2000 when you overwhelmingly made the decision to elect me as your 43rd president, I knew the road ahead would be difficult. We have accomplished so much yet challenges lie ahead.
In the last 6 years we have been able to stop global warming. No one could have predicted the negative results of this. Glaciers that once were melting are now on the attack.
As you know, these renegade glaciers have already captured parts of upper Michigan and northern Maine, but I assure you: we will not let the glaciers win.
Right now, in the 2nd week of May 2006, we are facing perhaps the worst gas crisis in history.
We have way too much gasoline. Gas is down to $0.19 a gallon and the oil companies are hurting.
I know that I am partly to blame by insisting that cars run on trash.
I am therefore proposing a federal bailout to our oil companies because - hey if it were the other way around, you know the oil companies would help us.
On a positive note, we worked hard to save Welfare, fix Social Security and of course provide the free universal health care we all enjoy today.
But all this came at a high cost. As I speak, the gigantic national budget surplus is down to a perilously low $11 trillion dollars.
And don’t get any ideas. That money is staying in the very successful lockbox. We’re not touching it.
Of course, we could give economic aid to China, or lend money to the Saudis… again.
But right now we’re already so loved by everyone in the world that American tourists can’t even go over to Europe anymore… without getting hugged.
There are some of you that want to spend our money on some made-up war. To you I say: what part of “lockbox” don’t you understand?
What if there’s a hurricane or a tornado? Unlikely I know because of the Anti-Hurricane and Tornado Machine I was instrumental in helping to develop.
But… what if? What if the scientists are right and one of those giant glaciers hits Boston? That’s why we have the lockbox!
As for immigration, solving that came at a heavy cost, and I personally regret the loss of California. However, the new Mexifornian economy is strong and el Presidente Schwarznegger is doing a great job.
There have been some setbacks. Unfortunately, the confirmation process for Supreme Court Justice Michael Moore was bitter and divisive. However, I could not be more proud of how the House and Senate pulled together to confirm the nomination of Chief Justice George Clooney.
Baseball, our national pastime, still lies under the shadow of steroid accusations. But I have faith in baseball commissioner George W. Bush when he says, “We will find the steroid users if we have to tap every phone in America!”
In 2001 when I came into office, our national security was the most important issue. The threat of terrorism was real.
Who knew that six years later, Afghanistan would be the most popular Spring Break destination? Or that Six Flags Tehran is the fastest growing amusement park in the Middle East?
And the scariest thing we Americans have to fear is … Live From New York, its Saturday Night!
Oh, Al, you are the wind beneath my wings, or the hot air in my gas-bag. Possibly the manure in my compost heap or some other similarly enabling piece of crap.