Wonkette
DIRT CROSS COLLAPSE: “The White House’s response to the Russia/Georgia war gets a smirking ‘whatever’ from Moscow. Who are we to be telling anyone not to invade little countries? We’ve been doing it with great fanfare and steady failure since Vietnam, and we’re bogged down in so many doomed occupations today that Robot Troops are the only hope. Maybe we can buy some from Japan, on credit. Or that famous swimmer Michael Phelps can save the country by, uh, swimming very fast to various problem zones, like Aquaman.” [Political Machine]
“As the country continues its 40-year slide from a self-sufficient powerhouse of technology and production to a bloated, broken debt-choked nation of service employees and disability cases waiting for their next benefit check or “economic stimulus payment” to make one last run on Sam’s Club before the car is repossessed and the house seized by the bank (in China), the tiny percentage of Americans with money are nervously looking around for safe havens — not just for their investments and currency holdings, but for themselves.”
But Ken - at least our national “Run-On Sentence Expertise” continues unabated!
“Mr. President! We will NOT tolerate a Run-On Sentence GAP!”
…such optimism brings a tear to my eye!
How will the next sucker to serve as Imperial President handle America’s fall into weak obscurity? Will it be done with grace and dignity, maybe something along the lines of Great Britain fading from Global Superpower to quaint tourist destination? Or will America go down in a series of cataclysmic defeats and humiliations like the Fifth Century Roman Empire, finally ending with a burnt, looted capital of snarling rats and human corpses?
I can see us becoming a quaint tourist destination, but that might be because I’m from Southern California. Main Street, USA Disneyland is where it’s at.
If France was really serious about getting Russia out of Georgia, they’d deploy their last nuclear submarine to the Black Sea.
…I swear I did a book report on something like this! What was its name again….oh yeah the “French Revolution”!!!
Way of ahead of them…
AngryBlakGuy:
Did the French really plant all those trees along their streets so they would have a place to stand in the shade when the German army marched through the next time?
Just askin………
Jerry w
Jesus Ken, you had to use both barrels?
On a serious note, Andy Bacevich said pretty much the same thing on Bill Moyers the other day, but he said it all nice-y and PBS-y like.
No worries, chumps. When WALNUTS! becomes President of DC he’ll appoint Cindy to the all-important post of Cuntrollop General. That’ll show that Sam dude and his Club not to repossess Joe Sixpack’s F350 and his big-screen plasma TV.
Y’know, we laugh at the idea of Aquaman solving world conflicts, but y’know what our nation’s great superheroes were MADE for? To win fuckin’ wars! Look at the very first issue of Captain America - he punches Adolf effin’ Hitler right in the jaw. Back in the 40s and 50s, our fellow super-powered citizens took international warfare as their responsibility. Superman was kicking Ruskie ass all through the Cold War. Nowadays, where are those lazy assholes? Is Spiderman on some beach sipping Mai Tai’s while he shirks his responsibilities in Baghdad?
Are you seriously talking about the SAME country that invented trucknutz???
Johnny Zhivago: That’s Les Trucknutz to you.
WALNUTS! and Putin have the same club-stare, like, perfected at The Eagle.
If you dun like Amur’ca, you can geet out!…No, wait, I was just kidding! See? We’ll fix her up real nice like! You’ll see! DON’T LEAVE US! *Sob!*
OO oo, instead, could we just become a narco state like the one we’re helping build in Afghanistan? That seems to do all sorts of wonders for debt relief! Heellllooooo Chinese addic- er, market!
Ever notice that Michael Phelps has the same last name as Peter Graves’ character in the Mission Impossible TV show: Jim Phelps? Coincidence? Or something more . . .
loudmouthredhead: You think that’s a joke, but it’s worked at least [re=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/First_Opium_War]once before[/re]
mattbolt: “My ties are to be eaten, not sipped.” (Saakashvili)
…”Aqua Man” is arguably the dumbest superheroes ever created. He has the power to breath underwater, swim fast and communicate with sea animals; I mean what makes him any better than Flipper? If we are going to send a superhero to Russia to kick ass and take names why dont we send a real bad ass like “The Hulk” or “The Thing”?! But I digress.
We invade and occupy countries so they can enjoy liberdy. Not like your average Russki.
ChatteringClass: Who’s kidding? They’ve got a billion people, most of which are already addicted to our tobacco. Why not extend the benefits? They don’t have any regulations over there! The Midwest could make some prime stuff…not that I’d know, of course *cough*
We are well and truly fucked:
Stallone - whose film character John Rambo killed Soviet troops by the dozen in Afghanistan and whose Rocky Balboa humiliated Soviet boxer Ivan Drago - will advertise the product under the slogan: “There is a bit of Russian in all of us.”
Everyone is a Georgian today…except Sly, the Secret Slav!
Who would win in a fight between the Hulk and the Thing?
AngryBlakGuy: Aquaman can survive waterboarding. He can deliver us from sins through a porpoise driven life. He is the king of the gold standard. He will single webbedly push back the melting of the polar ice caps. He can save the whales and tuna too, and separate the oil from the water.
“As the country continues its 40-year slide from a self-sufficient powerhouse of technology and production to a bloated, broken debt-choked nation of service employees and disability cases waiting for their next benefit check or “economic stimulus payment” to make one last run on Sam’s Club before the car is repossessed and the house seized by the bank (in China)”
Actually, the interesting thing about our economy is not that we’re going from the first stage to the second — we’re not. It’s that we can be both at the same time. We manage to have low unemployment but huge debt, the world’s most productive economy but the widest gap between the rich and everyone else, and yet we still manage to scrap along. What’s changed is that we now have a leadership that thinks that’s always the way to plan. It’s like Donald Rumsfeld is in charge of our economy.
Hmmm…
Now where did I bury that jar of doubloons?
soytrucknutz: “That’s Les Trucknutz to you.” No! That’s Mo Trucknutz to you.
Love,
Mo Trucknutz
From “Let’s Have A War” by Fear (Lee Ving):
Let’s have a war!
Jack up the Dow Jones!
Let’s have a war!
It can start in New Jersey!
Let’s have a war!
Blame it on the middle-class!
Let’s have a war!
We’re like rats in a cage!
Darehead:…not to mention once all the ice caps melt and dry land is submerged he will become our new aquatic overlord.
AngryBlakGuy: I, for one, will embrace our new fishy smell.
dave666: What can Thing do besides snap his fingers and hand cigars to Gomez? Even Paris Hilton is more useful.
AngryBlakGuy: I thought that was going to be a web-footed and gilled Costner muto?
Why did N. Vietnam torture WALNUTS? LBJ told them they were tiny, insignificant fuckheads.
Why did WALNUTS want to kamikaze his way into Vietnam? He desperately wanted to be a tiny, insignificant fuckhead.
Spence: Ha, this whole column grew out of a Wonkette Editor Web IM thing with Sara about that very same PBS doom show, which she watched and I just read about this morning.
Always — look — on the bright side of life–
If life seems jolly rotten,
There’s something you’ve forgotten,
And that’s to laugh and smile and dance and sing –
Always look on the sunny side of life
You know things are bad when full-fledged M.D.s are applying for research positions for which I, a not-quite-yet-graduated-undergrad, am qualified for and do.
As for aquaman… how would he get to Afghanistan?
We’re all gonna die!
Oh, well. Eventually.
Look W hasn’t fucked up everything -yet. Kicking off a little war with Russia would be a fitting tip of the hat as he strolls out. don’t ya think?
Whatever happens, don’t pop that real estate bubble in Moscow! The proceeds from the sale of my flat are going to have to carry me for years.
BTW, Aquaman is not built for our modern oceans, all them dead zones ya know.
weirdiowasculpture: I just banned you in another thread. Ha ha!
tunamelt: Dignity? Ever see a play called Look Back in Anger? It’ll be like that here in the USA, only the Jimmy Porter character will have guns.
Apparently Ken Layne does not realize that religion is the number one issue of this and every U.S. election since Jesus founded this country - or hasn’t he read the Book Of Mormon? He mocks McCain for having recently discovered his faith, but let’s see how Ken’s beliefs change when the icy hands of death start giving him backrubs.
Also ridiculous is Mr. Layne’s assertion that all the wealthy will move to Dubai after sucking America dry. Well I’ve got news for him. America’s best will not be leaving anytime soon. We first have to bomb away all those heretical muslims and then wait for the radiation to subside.
Darehead: I, for one, welcome our new Porpoise overlords.
bigpfeifinphilly: As long as our porpoise overlords bring prizes, all man shall warship.
McCain ‘00.
With all the pollution in the oceans, the dolphins will soon start to mutate and shit, and then rise up out of the sea, rapidly evolving new limbs due to the fallout from McCain’s next nuclear war. Then, using their “sonar” to communicate effectively, will soon take over the globe as humans go extinct. Oh sure, there will be a great inter-species war that will last a few generations, but our military has already trained soldier dolphins, and our “Sea-Worlds” have taught them stunning aerial acrobatics and how to get along with whales and sea otters. We stand very little chance.
I still need to do some more research, but if I’m right, these new mutant dolphins will probably have the ability to shoot anthrax out of their blow holes.
Beef Supreme: Someone already wrote that story, in “The Invasion”:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Invasion_%28TV_series%29#Future_plotlines
“The liberal sky is falling! The liberal sky is falling! Hey take it easy dude! Remember United Stand, Divided We Fall!?!? This kind of yellow journalism(?) doesn’t helps either”.
Damn! AOL commenterz win again…
No Prince Namor?
As someone who frequently works in China, I can recommend Chinese mercenary troops as America’s best hope for maintaining Global Hegemony. They are hardworking people, and would be cheaper than Hessians. Hey, it worked for George III, right?!
While Bush was jabbering on about knowing Putin’s souls after having looked in his eyes, this is what was actually going through Putin’s mind:
“Are you a fool or an idiot, Bush? Either way, I own you.”
Good Gawd the AOL commenters, featuring today the nonironic use of the phrase “America love it or leave it”. I didn’t realize that people capable of reading and writing could be so painfully stupid.
Yes, Ken we are well and truly fucked.
I loved those little rings Aquaman sent out. They always looked the same, but meant different things like “hey, whale buddy, spray water on that burning barge” or “yo, dolphins, flip out of the water and slap Lex Luthor around.”
My imitation of Aquaman asking the fish to clean his pool before bbq guests show up:
>->o . . o o o O O O <((<
loo loo loo loo loo