Wonkette
“Doctor” James Dobson’s hub of fundies, Focus on the Family, is worse than Hitler, Stalin, Chairman Mao, Lyndon Johnson and Senator-cum-Emperor freaking Palpatine combined, times a billion, squared, plus seven. While some “new-wave” fundies show potential to be not quite as awful — they care about poverty! — we still have to deal with the likes of Old Dobson and his minions, however muted they are these days, for like another 10 years before he hopefully dies, alone, one cell croaking painfully at a time. Look at these twats, now they are “praying for a deluge to drown out Barack Obama at the Democratic National Convention in two weeks’ time.” They are asking for “abundant, torrential” downpours. And they’ve made a video for this!
This is Stuart Shepard, an adult retard:
Hey dumbass, that’s not “Mile High Stadium” behind you. It’s INVESCO FIELD. You know, like it says in BIG LETTERS on the stadium, it says INVESCO FIELD. Fuck your cousin.
“Would it be wrong to pray for rain?” he asks 700 times. We don’t know dude? Let’s try to figure this out, if this would be “wrong.”
First of all, we guess it wouldn’t be wrong because it wouldn’t matter if you prayed, because there is no God. How do we know this? Logic:
- God would certainly kill Stuart Shepard with lightning.
- Stuart Shepard is still alive.
- There is no God.
Second, it wouldn’t be “wrong” because a rainy Denver Hope Party would be fun! Buncha hot Denvernians runnin’ around in wet tee shirts, Barack Obama talkin’ in a wet suit shirt, mud fights ‘n’ sitch. Rain = peace! Isn’t that like a literary archetype?
Come rain and floods to drown out Obama, pray Christians [Times UK]
Just the sort of cool, detached humor I love from wonkette.
Don’t worry. Satan will bring more hurricanes so WALNUTS can never do his oil rig speech, ever.
Satan hates oil and wants alternative fuels.
WTF? Don’t these assholes lose their tax exemption when they make overtly political “statements” like this? And don’t these assholes know it doesn’t rain in Denver in August?
Things to do in Denver when James Dobson’s dead. Discuss.
Would it be wrong to pray that Stuart Shepard gets gang-raped on his way home from work?
Jesus would make it rain, but he’s on vacation in Hawaii.
Screw the rain… I’m praying
that it pours down Playboy Bunnies!
Denvernians? Sounds like the cult following of John Denver.
Excellent form of Linear Logic there Jim. If A=B and B=C than A=Godless.
Would it be so wrong to pray for Stewart Shepard to have a testicular torsion? Not a full on dick-rot, mind you, just a simple testicular torsion? After all, I am pro-life, and he can still knock up his mistress with one ball, and pain meds can do wonders.
Would it REALLY be so wrong to pray for Stewart to have a simple testicular torsion?
KevoTron: Maybe Bob Denver. Kinda like Rastafarians, but worshipping Gilligan.
loquaciousmusic: Celebrate by setting up a tent for abortions and marrying 1000 gay couples in a huge ceremony? At “Mile High” stadium?
These fucktards had better hope it doesn’t rain in Denver during the convention, because if it does the whole world will witness tangible proof of St. Hopey’s “grace bubble” as each rain drop falling within ten meters of His Hopiness is magically transmogrified into a glittering diamond of love that floats away on a lavander-scented breeze.
What ever made the dems choose Denver for their convention?
Colorado is the land of inner earth fundieism. The thumping ground of more blble-thumpers per square inch than say, Texas.
Would it be wrong to say that Stewart Shepard fucks boys and will be perpwalked out of his house on the same night that Hopey delivers his speech?
Maybe the gods like the Weather Girls and it will start Raining Men. That might give the PUMAs something to do other than fuck with the Dem Convention. Hell, Stewart and his other good Xtian friends might be happy, too.
At any rate, dude’s going about it all wrong. He outta be humbly prostating himself, on his knees, preparing the horse (or virgin? or virgin horse?? gotta look this up) for the sacrifice.
Does this mean if it doesn’t rain, Jesus is casting his lot with Obama?
Also, I missed the “Jesus rain dance” chapter in the bible. Is it next to the “Jesus helped me score this touchdown” section?
Tickets to Mr Obama’s speech, in a vast Denver stadium that seats 75 people, have all been snapped up.
Look, I know the Brits think all Americans are morbidly obese, but c’mon, Times, this is a little over the top. I’ve seen the stadium, and you can fit at least 200 Americans in it, no problem.
As I just suggested in the YouTube comments, try mentally subbing in the phrase “butt sex” every time he says “rain.” And you will reach nirvana.
edgydrifter: What, no unicorn?
mookworthjwilson: You are being FAR to fair with that assertion.
That sanctimonious sack of shit Dobson knows he’s just a few months short of being totally irrelevant.
How else should these people spend their money? Poverty programs? Then some gay guy might not know he’s sinnin’. I think we all benefit when they decide to use their Dobson-bucks to besiege the sky God for rain.
http://thesebastards.blogspot.com/
…maybe they should be praying to this guy and not god if they want “rain”:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DOK0HXS5a4w
Stuart Shepard was referring to Elisha, of course
“2 Kings 2:23-24
23And he went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head.
24And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them. “
Of course these backward c**ts wouldn’t bend a knee to pray for rain in a place that actually needs it more. Like a third world country where rain is needed to feed people. No, they only pray for rain so they can pull off the equivelent of a frat house prank. I hope the dildos they get reamed with in hell are big and spikey.
“I’m still in favour of marriage being between one man and one woman.”
“And occasionally a little boy in the privacy of an airport men’s room.”
If it does rain, it’ll be like the whos in whoville still singing songs and celebrating Christmas even though the Grinch stole their presents. Although in this case the Grinch will be God Himself led around like a trained animal on a leash by this coven of nitwits.
Two Words: Canned Ham
I wouldn’t be too concerned, Stuart. According to that Times article, the stadium only seats 75 people.
In olden days he would have been burnt at the stake. If god be for him, it would have rained. If he burnt to death, it would have signified he wasn’t a demon. A win/win situation for all.
Seriously, rain? That’s all they’re praying for? On a biblical scale of 1-10 with 1 being Peace on Earth and 10 being raining fire down on an entire town and turning someone into a fucking pillar of salt, rain is like a .05. If these fundies were ambitious they’d at least shoot for something awesome like locusts.
…oh yeah, and douchebage there is something wrong with politicizing a religion! I hope herd of wild horse ass rapes him to death next time he goes outside to empty the trash! Shyt head!!!
HomoElectus: Thanks for representin’!
God, tired of dealing with people praying for frivolous shit like convention weather, gas prices, and money, decides to answer their prayers, but in a way to make Obama look badass, like for example, strike him with lightning, but have it bounce off of him so he continues the speech, making James Dobson lose faith so fast, he actually deflates. Or have actual thunderclaps happen after Obama makes an applause line.
WhatTheHeck: nah, they are all in Colorado Springs. These flat earther fundies never venture up here to Denver, because, see, up here in Denver we have actual brown people, lib’rals and GASP homosecksyoualls.
I’m praying for a shit storm in Minneapolis.
Why are all you evil secularists trying to take God out of meteorology? It’s part of your plot to give all women abortions, I just know it.
shortsshortsshorts:
That’s one badass god.
So if it rains we have proof that repubicants are followers of Satan???
it’s too bad that barry is apparently the messiah, somehow i don’t see him rubber stamping this one. these loonies really ought to have thought of that before they wasted their time.
SayItWithWookies: Hooray for abortion! Abortions for every man, woman and child!
Bring on the rain, mofos. Barry can build an ark.
Joehoya: “Would it be wrong to pray that Stuart Shepard gets gang-raped on his way home from work?”
I think the main person praying for that is Stuart Shepard; so yeah, should be fine.
Yeah, the rain really fucked up Diana’s concert in Central Park, and made it legendary…
“Twat” is the new Rethuglican..thank you Jim…
A very clean ontological proof, Mr. Newell. You’re like a Maoist St. Anselm.
He’s not going to be laughing when it rains everywhere except the stadium, and everyone outside is drowned by God’s wrath, and the stadium with everyone inside it begins floating and drifts on high seas for 40 days before coming to rest atop mount Ararat.
Rain? seriously, rain? Whats wrong with these people? Rain? Rain? Rain?
I think my brain just short circuited from all the stupid.
Rain?
The reign of dignified politics will begin in Denver. So, please pray for the reign. The umbrella can block out Barry the Sun God.
WhatTheHeck: No one fucks wid teh Jesus.
They should just seed the clouds, Soviet-style.
I was wondering whatever happened to Stuart Smalley.
Fuck your cousin.
Too late. He beat you to it.
Tawmn: Isn’t the difference between a shit storm and the Republican National Convention purely semantics?
Does anyone have this fucker’s address?
Serolf Divad: Actually, I went to high school in Denver and have seen this happen.
Like sitting in Washington Park and having it rain across the street while I watched a rainbow.
I expect this will happen to Hopey in Denver, too.
He should ask Pat Robertson how that whole “hurricanes will destroy teh gheys” thing worked out.
Stuart, speaking just for me, and not for my candidate Obama, a religious man, let me just say, “fuck you and fuck your fucking invisible God.”
V572625694: Actually, FOTF did lose its tax-exempt status a while back. They called it a “Restructuring process that will allow us to lead our brain-fucked sheep to greener political pastures…”
after eight years of W, this is their best strategic hope for keeping the white house - pray for rain. can we just skip november and start calling him president obama now?
Next up: Stuart Shepard arrested for soliciting in one of the men’s restrooms at Invesco Field. In 3…2…1…
Tim Russert got a double rainbow. I’m thinkin’ Hopey gets doves with little Muslim turbans descending upon him like manna from the heavens. ‘Cause seriously: a triple rainbow would just be showy.
On the first day of the convention it will rain and five minutes later there will be a rainbow.
Barry looked own upon what he had done and it was good.
It’s Denver, for chrissake. It could be a fuggin’ blizzard on the 26th. Which would be funny. Sen. Obama in white face. But more seriously, if the Focus on Your Genitals crowd really wanted to monkey wrench the convention, they should announce that Ted Haggard was going to be there. Talk about emptying a joint.
I’m praying that Stuart’s wife is home having a three way with his brother and a hooker while Stuart is praying for rain.
They don’t call him the Invisible Cloud Being for nothing!
So if it doesn’t rain, does that mean Jesus approves?
If it’s “up to God” and “not a popularity contest” what is the point of praying at all?
Seriously, if a large enough group praying can change God’s decision doesn’t that elevate the group to god-like status?
Blasphemers!
Yes, it would be WRONG, you fuckwad.
Why they be bothering God with their nattering prayers? If there be even one homosexual in that crowd of 75,000, will not an angry God send a judicious tidal wave to wipe out Denver or American Samoa or something?
OK, so if it rains on Obama, it’s a sign of the G-Man’s displeasure. But if it doesn’t…
What if it rained pretty well just before the speech, but stopped just before in order to present a brilliant rainbow right behind the podium, and during the speech it was 72 degrees, blue skies, a gentle breeze, and the distinct sound of chirping birds over the microphone?
Heck, let’s go all ad absurdum: what if the Voice of Motherfucking God came down from the heavens and said “Vote Democrat?” I mean, serious Old Testament shit.
Is it possible for a God so omnipotent that He can actually disagree with the fundies?
I’m hoping for a “sow the wind, reap the whirlwind” scenario in which a light soothing rain hits Denver’s Invesco while multiple-vortex tornadoes rip the thru Colorado Springs’ exurbs, wiping each and every fundie church and church leader from the face of the Earth!!
God, can you imagine how the fundies will LOSE THEIR FUCKING MINDS if it does in fact actually rain? I almost hope it will rain, so that I can watch the complete and utter twitching nervous breakdown.
Essentially, what this guy is saying, is that if people listen to Barry, they’ll like what they hear and vote for him. So he’s basically admitting that his own opinions are unpopular. Good job dude!
Weren’t these people going to take over the country or something? Now they’re asking the Hillbilly Him Above to rain on someone’s party?
Pew sniffers.
Not at all. Just like we’ll be praying for more bridge collapses in Minneapolis.
Not the catasrophic kind, mind you. Just when fundies are on them.
So is he praying for a very influential Korean pop singer to come dance for him?
All I’m praying for is for myself to replace the middle guy in that American Apparel threesome.
Hell with it. I’m praying that it’ll rain money on my deck.
Besides, if you *must* pray for something, why constrict God to petty acts? Might as well pray for Jesus to descend and stretch forth his hand, proclaiming WALNUTS! to be the next president of the US or something. Then WALNUTS could walk on water and feed the multitude from only one half-sucked Werthers Original (aka the Miracle of the Candies).
Oh, and how about praying for World Peace while you’re at it? Or is that too much for God to handle?
Why does he say he’s for “marriage between one man and one woman?” Is he against gay marriage or against polygamy?
self-right·eous /ˌsɛlfˈraɪtʃəs, ˈsɛlf-/ [self-rahy-chuhs, self-] –adjective
confident of one’s own righteousness, esp. when smugly moralistic and intolerant of the opinions and behavior of others.
Tawmn: The proper term is “Santorum”. You’re praying for a Santorum storm in Minneapolis.
Is it wrong to pray that God smites every Fundie praying for rain with an inoperable brain tumor to punish them for their sins? (Just as he did with another evil gentleman recently…whom shall remain nameless…)
Joehoya: Would it be wrong to pray for Dead Bigfoot to come back to life like a hairy, pissed-off Lazarus and give Mr. Stuart the ginormous dry assfucking for which he’s been waiting his whole life? Maybe Dobson will stop beating his horrible children long enough to climb on to Mr. Stuart’s turgid little soldier for a little Lucky Pierre action.
Mmmm…. I know I’m praying for the news footage of a Bigfoot-Stuart-Dobson manwich out front of that stadium.
I know they aren’t very good with those troublesome “fact” things, but….
- not only does McCain’s oil rig show get canceled due to a storm, but applesauce jars leap out and attack him at the substitute photo opp in the grocery store
- July 28, McCain visits California. July 29, earthquake visits California. Ok, a day late, but God’s attention was divided because that same day….
- Honorary McCain chair in Oregon shoots himself while fixing a bicycle. http://wonkette.com/401562/honorary-mccain-chair-accidentally-shoots-self-while-fixing-bike
Isn’t it pretty clear who God ISN’T with?
as a heathen, i’m prayin’ for snow in the twin cities, in september, would it be wrong?
Obama will make it rain on all dem hoes.
HomoElectus: hip-waders