Wonkette
Okay, so it wasn’t that hard to find the video of “W. McSpeedy.” But we swear he provided no link whatsoever in his email pitch encouraging us to watch his mysterious video. Here is your strange character, trapped in a small wooden cage, wearing a Darth Vader helmet covered in dollar signs, and yellow pajamas which are also covered in dollar signs, and holding a cardboard circle which is, of course, also covered in dollar signs. HE’S A TURTLE.
But you’re probably wondering, “Where is the decapitated head of Barack Obama on a stick?” Trust us, it is coming soon — the 2:09 mark is not the time to refresh your beverage.
Oh and what’s that happening near the end, around the 4:37 mark, when he turns around, juts his buttocks skyward, and asks us to “climb on board”?
This was Darth “$$$” McSpeedy the Turtle’s last appearance. Moments after it was posted to YouTube (by the government), his shell-less, pajama-less corpse washed up on the beach at Montauk.
CHILLING UPDATE: “These social-security monies are mines!”
Courtesy of RaptorAvatar/Up With The Mob.
EARLIER: Meet Mr. W. McSpeedy! (Or Not)
I could tell before looking this was a Ken Layne post. Awesome.
Matthew Lesko has lost his goddamned mind.
Its flashy, and has some spunk, but it’s missing the glitz.
Is this what republican nerds look like? Living in their parents’ basements, dressing up in PJs and fending off imaginary liberal invasions? WOW…
“His plan is to just SAVE social security…”
Uh-huh…and that’s bad how, $$$ Turt..wait…WHY AM I EVEN BOTHERING?!
Climb on Board My Ass!: the universal republican call to arms.
Ken, In the Gawker Media days they used to let us down easy on Friday afternoons. This is a mindfuck I won’t get my head around until way after Sunday’s Bloody Marys. Is there a support group for this sort of thing? After the racial tone of the campaign this week, this dollar sign guy will just have to chill. I need some space.
Plus, there’s an easy giveaway that he has no f’ing clue about economics:
That spray-painted Darth Vader helmet isn’t worth anything anymore. Shoulda left it in the packaging, friend.
Sweet Jeebus, a floating Obama head!
“Hmm. Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.”
…why does someone who lives in his mothers basement with obviously no job(or girlfriend for that matter) care whether rich people pay more taxes?!?!
…atleast we now know who is John McCains AD advisor.
Wait … so who’s Senator Zero again?
WAKE UP PEoples? huh?
Way too fucking long; did not watch to the end. Does he explode, he asks pleadingly?
I just lost my faith in humanity. Thank you Ken Layne.
Why doesn’t that elitist zero, Barack Obama want working-class, aspirational, hard-working Americans to find out about all the FREE money programs that the government has that gives free money FOR FREEEE?
NotUrEvryDayWEzl: Looks kinda like you actually. Maybe he’s NotUrEvryDayTUrtl?
shortsshortsshorts: How did you know? Is this one of those weird relics of the Mojave Desert?
I find everyone’s lack of faith… distressing.
And I find this pathetic slob embarrassing. I’m with bitchincamaro: couldn’t make it to the end.
Wow. And there was zooming. Someone was in the room with him! And they didn’t stop him!
I guess what I find so pathetic about this is that he obviously put a great deal of effort into this, and this was the best he could do. Sad.
irisheyes:
I had the same thought. Do you think he’s married?
I thought about this for a while.
I sent this to general counsel of McDonald’s Inc.; I hear they don’t take kindly to misuse of the brand concept.
I just realized something creepy: there is a cameraman, who also is holding the cue cards (the camera moves at that 2:09 mark). I prefer my political screeds to be done by people sitting alone, in front of a camera. I would also prefer the people to be hotter and edit their message down to 40 seconds, but I ask too much.
Senator Zero is a nemissary? I’m so confused now.
No exit.
Andy Kaufman lives.
Darehead: Reptiles and mammals separated on the evolutionary chain nearly 300 million years ago. Any similarity is the result of convergent evolution and is purely cosmetic. We are NOT related, I assure you.
Cindy makes a much nicer Ninja turtle costume than i would have expected….
im presuming shes down from 10 hits of 40mg oxycotin a day…to a more acceptable 5 or so…
problemwithcaring: That was my first thought upon viewing this as well, but I remembered that Matthew Lesko was covered in question marks. Like me. Right now.
This man will never have sex.
Correction: This person will never have sex
Next Halloween Monsieur Grumpe’ will be W. McSpeedy, superhero for you!
Does he have a sidekick?
I am blazing for this thing as soon as I get home.
Do you think he is wearing a cheap mall ‘The Joker’ costume ala Jim Carrey from ‘Batman Returns”?
I found it interesting that Floating Obama Head looks kinda like Black Nixon. Groovy.
Here he is in Clark Kent mode.
anabellum:
youch…sorry…genius plain and simple, but pure genius?
impure genius.
even better.
Darehead: Ever since the eight-billion whore diamond spitzer/old french film with dinosaur-looking mechanical man-suit thing, this has been the case.
I am confused and scared.
Speed Ball: OMG! Jim Carrey was The Riddler! You’ve just outed yourself as a poseur ELITIST!
Monsieur Grumpe: Y’know, now that you mention it, he might be married. And they go to the Renaissance Faire in Pennsylvania each year as a young squire and a lusty wench. Maybe she did the detail work on the back of that shell we all need to “climb on board”. I must say, I’m intrigued. Being from a neighboring town from this guy, I assure you that is a full on South Jersey accent- he’s a lifer here in the Garden State.
you guys just dont get it do ya?…this is straight from the RNC…
the implication being that Barry is actually Splinter…leader of the Foot Gang…
and that April O’Neil is about to be raped by A BLACK MAN….
its McCain Campaign ad fools…
After handling a turtle it is important to wash your hands thoroughly because they can give you a nasty infection. I had a bath after I viewed that video.
What’s the connection between a blonde and a turtle?
Once on their backs, they’re screwed. But not in the same way the government has screwed us over our s.s.
…who would have figured he would be able to tear himself away from his Dungeons & Dragons board for 5:49 to actually film this?
tsunami: ill take that…thanks…
shortsshortsshorts: Jesus I forgot all about that … where IS that video?
http://wonkette.com/370951/this-probably-isnt-the-eliot-spitzerashley-kristen-sex-tape
There. There it is.
Hey, should we tell him about the McCain campaign internship? Straight to the top of the media staff for you, sir! We’ll have Britney riding turtles through a sea of gold doubloons in no time!
Ken Layne: exactly!…self loathing pig McCain projects ’sexual fun’ onto famous glamour girl, secretly hoping she gets gang banged by black stage crew!!!…
a question of ‘unscrewing’ his tail…..
ultimately, pork rules!….
anabellum: OOPs…my slip is showing…TGIF…night everyone…
shortsshortsshorts: Your memory is longlonglong. I’m impressed.
But if this turtle wriggled some weird tongue-phallus at us, why, the 527 viewers would all be sending Ken their hospital bills.
This video reminds me of the videos terrorists have their hostages make before they behead them. Only this one’s less amusing.
Oh…I want the rich to take part too…I just wish they weren’t all so tanned & trim…back when rich people were heavy set…they wuz good eatin’.
Ken, is that one of those . . .
. . . .rare, endangered tortoises that eke out their miserable existences in that arid Mojave hell, clustered around the remains of decaying Cold War bunkers that are the sole remaining evidence of the rape, torture and murder of an entire generation — or at least two teenaged members thereof — who sought to hold of the end of Middle Class American existence out there at the edge of Western civilization, crawling over the rust, used condoms, broken beer bottles, and other detrius of the Termination of Life As We Know It . . . ?
[Sorry. Been reading too many "L.A. alternative weeklies."
Although, to make the cut as a writer for the same, I'd probably have to weave in some references to indy bands of which I've never heard, e.g.:]
. . . while snatches of Coldplay and Smashing Pumpkins drift from the windows of the speeding cars flying down the 10 toward the glistening Pleasure Domes of Las Vegas.
“It’s a dirty job, writing for a weekly,” I said to my drunken Irish attorney, as the Red Shark’s left front Firestone 500 radial crushed the shell of another unfortunate member of the Testudinidae family whose desire to make it across the Interstate was disportionate to the speed required to traverse safely the same. “But those turtles know the score.”
My attorney said nothing, and continued to suck on the unlighted Arturo Fuente Rothschild he was gradually converting to a wad of chaw in his right cheek. But he’d played Rugby, and was used to violence. The odd turtle genocide was nothing to such people. Swine, all of them.
About a mile ahead, another slow moving shelled reptile inched toward the center line of the pavement. I twitched the wheel, lining the shell up in the crosshairs of the hood ornament, and turned up the volume. Mell was playing the theme song for the “Black Lagoon” anime. That always put me in a tortise-killing mood. Poor little bastard. He’d see the end of his world soon enough.
“Faster,” my drunken Irish attorney said. “Faster, Faster, Kill, Kill!”
So it was going to be one of those Russ Meyers Weekends, out there in the Big Burn? So be it.
Ken Layne: …Ken this is the video of the Repubs in congress whining about having the lights turned off on em:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iMUiDQ2w_Oo&feature=user
McCain immediately announced that Phil Gramm would no longer be serving as chief economic adviser because he had found someone with more of a common touch.
Note how Scrooge McTurtle place the race card — turtles of 5 different colors living in harmony.
Take that, Mister Senator Zero!
W. McSpeedy can give a great speech, but take away his teleprompter…
Why won’t Senator Zero debate McSpeedy? He’s probably going to invest all our money in arugula futures.
Fine, I’ll eat those mushrooms tonight.
Ken Layne: I know we snark around and all that in here, but I’m getting a little jittery about this whole “McCain might win” chatter. Can’t you hit us up for a coupla bucks and donate it to Bear-Bear? I know he’s the coolest and has master plan, but this is depressing me. Besides if he gets a bunch of donations in the name of Wonkette, won’t your site get more publicity ergo more readers? Ill start. No Brewskies tonight. $50 bucks to BARACKOBAMA.com from the lilblackcorvette.
Donkey Sauce: It is true. I am a 5 whore diamond elitist celebrity. Must have been thinking about the FREE MONEY Matt Lesko which was a joke already made. FAIL.
I must go, for my untended argula is welting.
AngryBlakGuy:
Disclaimer: I’ve been drinking some wine. Nonetheless, here is my wonkette free speach:
America, your Lower House is a useless piece of crap right now. You already know that, but it has to be said. Your Presidency office is screwed after decades of bad rep. Your Senate has higher esteem nationally and internationally. Your candidates are Senators etc etc. Governors get some sort of respect or notice; your Representatives are a fricking joke. Obama or McCain may influence the Senate. But how can they inspire a better class of productive congressman (i.e. ones that are not cheap party hacks)?
(end of my deap friday thoughts)
Was that Obama on the stick? Or Mitt Romney on Mescaline?
Neilist: As for your drunken Irish attorney, I’ll thank you to keep me out of this narrative.
lilblackcorvette: Here Here! I will forgo a Saturday Diner Breakfast and throw in my $50.00. Let’s start a movement people!
It puts the lotion in the basket.
I feel the spirit of the Founding Fathers in this video.
Also, isn’t this how Warren Buffet got started?
Delicious: It explains why George III didn’t take them seriously.
rpeg: It rubs the lotion on its shell.
this is what Paultards do when they get drunk after marching and was made a few weeks ago.
Billlaimbeermatthewleskoanakinskywalker3rddegree burnvictimtmntpietmondrian-esquescaryfuckin’nightmare-inducinghybrid…
Ken Layne: Yeah I like the other video better. No Whore Diamonds for McSpeedy, the guy whose probably destroying your comment board on AOL Political Machine. (And do they keep a bitter cubit’s worth of Thai whores to moderate that site?) FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION.
OK, Turtle Guy, that was pretty good, but here’s what you need to do to make it better. Hire that sexy narcissistic Paultard Girl to join you. Give your same speech, and then when you turn around, jut out your ass cheeks, and invite us to “climb on board,” she strips off her Wal-Mart spaghetti-strap top, you drop your yellow dollar-bill trou, and we see some hot libertarian action! Th-th-THAT’s change we can BELIEVE in!
http://raptoravatar.tumblr.com/post/44404636/a-more-comedically-slighted-take-on-this-heroic
OMGZ! He also made one where he isn’t a turtle: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ksCelR-NDkk
Wow. If anyone at The Heritage Foundation recognizes this colleague of theirs, please stop him — he’s not doing you guys any favors.
Someone buy this guy a set of Truck Nutz: the one detail missing from his otherwise AWESOME costume.
This guy’s understanding of economics is about on the level of his costume-making skills
SayItWithWookies: Worst. Cato Institute Podcast. Evah!
RaptorAvatar: Hmmm its an old Republican whose probably broke bitching about Social Security not giving him my generations dollar signs. Let’s give him lots of $$$$$ so he can get old and die fast. Then we can return to the gold standard and privatize him, in his privates.
Are we allowed to call him McClown now?
McCLOWN just makes me sad.
He’s a SAD CLOWN.
Krusty McClown … can I call him that?
Fuck you. My woman’s in the hospital, but she will kill you when she gets out, you fucking troll of death.
shortsshortsshorts: Dude, is she “torn between two lovers” ’cause my woman’s is in hospital too. AND SHE KILLS WITH HER MIND.
I knew it. This damn reptilian accountant has to last us thru the whole weekend until Monday morning on your continent.
Ken is punishing us! Notice the background of this vid looks like a Mojave trailer? Notice the beard hanging out of that green mask?
And we knew he was searching for costumes for the Paul-Turtle-Palooza!
OK, if the topic must be Republican Squamata, I give you this classic horror clip of John McCain:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JEVG_M3T1VY&feature=related
Darehead: OH, and the title of the film is $$$$$$$$$$$$$ !
I, for one, welcome our new reptilian overlord!
I wonder if he sports a great pair of Truck Nutz to make up for his very non-sexy reptilian cloaca
Sweet. Zombie. Jeebus.
I listened for about 2 minutes before it turned into a series of buzzes and clicks that didn’t make any fucking sense.
I couldn’t help but think of the line from the Epic Robot Chicken Emperor’s Phone Call Episode (modified):
“And who’s gonna give me a loan, jackhole, you? Y-you got an ATM on that torso, Lite-Brite? Now get your seven-foot-two asthmatic ass back here or I’m gonna tell everyone what a whiny bitch you were about “Paultard” or “Ron Paul” or whatever the hell his name is!”
this is almost as funny as the e-mail. the e-mail… oh man, it doesn’t get much better than that.
Even zombie kid doesn’t like turtles anymore.
…this man is the greatest American hero.
Seriously, he’s living my dream- attracting the attention of hundreds with sheer lunacy, and wearing a mask so he doesn’t have to have people laughing at him on the street. Much.
Jim Newell: Yeah, well there is still no message at the end saying “I am Darth “$$$” McSpeedy and I approve this message.” I still say something smells…oh hey, isn’t that McSpeedy standing in your avatar?
Spidergrackle: Ooh, I get it now. His name is Robert SHELL. That’s why he made the turtle costume.
Robert Shell. And people here say, per his accent, that he lives in South Jersey. There’s something to go on, intrepid reporter peoples. Find his burrrow. Camp on his lawn. Destroy his eggs. The future of mankind depends on it.
gurukalehuru: ROBERT’S HELL. Agreed: if anyone starts noticing dry, scaly skin, get a shot of Obakaine ASAP!
I love the fact that the guy uses clear language–’save social security’, ‘raise taxes on the rich’, ‘privatize social security’. The whole thing is an unfortunate reminder that Rove et al are smart enough to engage in confusing double talk.
ManchuCandidate: Snorg sells a “What the hell is an Aluminum Falcon?!” t-shirt.
Now we know what Karl Rove is doing.
Dear god, that was painful to watch! I was sure the was going to hyperventilate and pass out before he finished. Perhaps he should take his $2500 and invest in a public speaking class.
ok….. was it just me that was locked out all yesterday evening?
Jim Newell: maybe i owe you an apology, MR. Newell. I went to your facebook and flamed you a tad bit. What the heck do I know about the intertubes. I cannot use drunkeness as an excuse because I sent my brew money to Bear Bear as promised.
lilblackcorvette: Probably just you. Poor baby, ya missed all these turtle revelations.
lilblackcorvette:
“Can’t you hit us up for a coupla bucks and donate it to Bear-Bear? ”
You do realize you may have asked the WRONG person that question, don’t you:
http://news.aol.com/political-machine/2008/06/09/mccain-from-maverick-to-monotony/
Darehead: Hey, Ken, you owe $30 to whoever is running against John McCain. Adjusted for the current value of the dollar, make it $60.
We will be watching this space for confirmation.
The best part is, there’s someone behind the camera trying to keep up with the complexity of the diatribe.
An elephant walks into a bar holding a turtle.
Another walks in with a dog named Sam.
Bartender notices the elephants startin’ to fight each other about who can run the fastest, but he doesn’t want the elephants racing in his bar.
So he says, “Why don’t ya just let yer pets have a race instead?
They elephants agree to this. The elephant named Ron, with his pet turtle named Mr. McSpeedy, doesn’t seem at all worried that his turtle will lose. “McSpeedy will be there before Sam!” he yells. Ron doesn’t want to hurt his feelings by informing him any old dog can beat a turtle, so he says to the other elephant, named John, “Have your dog stand at the end of the bar. Then you go stand at the other end of the room and call him. Before that mangy mutt reaches you, my Mr. McSpeedy will be there.”
John can hardly believe Ron’s aplomb. So he sends his dog to one side of the room. Then he goes to the other side and calls him. “Here Sam, Here, boy!”
Suddenly, Ron picks up his turtle, Mr. McSpeedy, and throws him across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, smashing it into the wall, and shattering a whole shelf of beer mugs.
“I TOLD you McSpeedy would be there before Sam. You JUST DON’T LISTEN. You NEVER give me ENUF attention!”
Darehead: Oh no you din’t just play the “he donated to John McCain Card”. Shuuda used that loot for a makeover.
lilblackcorvette: I just know I’m going to reading an overblown, self absorbed , poorly written ,hack job about how Ken Layne made a donation to Barack Obama’s campaign and encorged all his friends to do the same.
You know, if Enron ad a guy in a home-made turtle hero suit explaining their business model to weary investors on YouTube I bet they wouldn’t have failed.
i am gonna be on Ken like hot fudge on a sundae. I don’t care if he did post my baby picture on the side bar!
I like turtles.
drrty martini: I was just thinking that if there is a cameraman, there totally needs to be a few cuts and angle changes. maybe a few close-ups, to get the full emotional range of that cheap Greedo knock-off mask. Just because you *can* do a six minute single take (Joe Wright, I’m looking at you) doesn’t mean you have to.
I feel my desire to propagate the human race measurably lessened.
TGY: Yes, but what about propagating the turtle race?
This is a time to be disagreeable. Therefore I will superficially state that I HATE Turtles. That’s right. I DESPISE them. I will fight the next turtle I see. Watch me. DIE turtle DIE.
I can always tell Cindy’s crappy camera work - the cameral jiggles when she’s popping the pain killers.
They should have stopped with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turles IV. This isn’t even straight-to-video bad. This is like fucking “Mindwalk” except boringer. Two thumbs down. Though it is graciously short.
Why does he sounds so nervous? It’s like he didn’t know he could do more than one take.