Wonkette
Thank you to Wonkette pamphlet operative “Taylor” for sending us this fantastic brochure from the Minneapolis Saint Paul 2008 Host Committee about the exciting upcoming convention. How rad will it be? Well if this pamphlet is any indication, John McCain will enter the arena with his seven children and two wives on a War Elephant — decorated in gold, rubies and fine silks — carrying the Sword of Gryffindor in one hand and the dripping, severed head of Chuck Hagel in the other; he won’t even have to speak because everyone will just be cold goin’ nuts at the sight of this.
On the second page of this Hype Pamphlet, they’ve eschewed the War Elephant for a cropped computer-game elephant and placed it in the Twin Cities’ various hot spots.
Here’s Mr. Elephant starting out his fun tour of the Twin Cities. Mr. Elephant just arrived in America, you see! Only weeks earlier, he was playin’ with his elephant friends in Africa, just swimmin’ and runnin’. Then John McCain and a team of RNC interns poached him during one of their routine slave-capturing missions. “I know exactly how we can use this big fella here — we’ll take him straight to the convention!” shouted one of the interns.
“I’m gonna go see my first American play, right here in Minnesota,” Mr. Elephant decides later that night. “What’s playin’? Phantom of the Opera? Heck, I don’t care, I’ll see anything!”
Mr. Elephant has to use the restroom, but where’s a toilet big enough for an elephant? Right here, on the laps of a Minnesota hockey team, during the middle of its off-season in late summer.
Where’s a million-ton elephant to stand these days? How about right here, in the middle of this canoe.
I think that elephant in the first image is being gang raped. No wonder he won’t forget.
Wow. The convention sounds so incredibly badass now.
Maybe it’s just what I want to see, but the fella about 3 heads to the right of the elephant in that top picture sure looks like he’s drinking…
I knew that there would be lots of sodomy and bestiality, I just didn’t know the Republicans were going to be so open about it.
you know that elephants gonna be sodomized at least twice during the convention.
They want to be trusted to manage a multi-trillion dollar economy and the world’s most sophisticated arsenal of nuclear weapons, yet can’t find anyone who can use Photoshop?
Why is there a baby elephant in a hockey arena? Is the Wild watching it while mommy sees Phantom?
i can’t imagine any of the second-rate (& third and less) acts named in those stars on first avenue are going to be what GOPers find entertaining - or anyone else for that matter, but it is nice to see the name of Jim Carroll - the b-ball playing, heroin junkie, former underage NY street hustler, and member of Allen Ginsberg’s posse - featured so prominently in a GOP publication.
Does this mean WALNUTS! and his brethren will freeze to death in the snowy Minnesotan alps?
Someone better bring a shovel for all the shit at that convention.
I see the makers of the brochure graduated from the Tehran College of Photoshop Design.
Also, that picture outside First Avenue is abomination. Neither Prince nor any of the bands on that wall would play for their crappy convention.
I’m hoping at the end of the convention there’s a giant Mastodon hunt like in 1000 B.C.
I think Ron Paul in dreds and loincloth would be absolutely dreamy.
SMART,HEROIC, SMART, STUD MUFFIN ALERT: This Jon Stolz guy on Hardball tonight is HOT!
I’m hoping at the end of the convention there’s a giant Mastodon hunt like in 1000 B.C.
I think Ron Paul in dreds and loincloth would be absolutely dreamy. Rawr.
“The state ranks third in patent intensity. Our inventions include: the Pacemaker, ThinsulateTM, Post-it ® Notes, Rollerblades ® , Cheerios ® , Spam ® and more.”
you’re pulling the proverbial ‘elephants leg’ …right?
BadNewsJack: I’m sorry… but just what the FUCK are you going to sodomize an elephant with? My brain is burning.
Is that the war elephant of Zama?
I assume there are actual black people in Minneapolis, but the GOP didn’t want to play the race card by including their pictures?
The Real JR Revisted: or “CAN one sodomize an elephant” rather. Cause I’m not trying to imply that you will. I mean, I’m not one to make assumptions or pass judgement on- I mean- I was just trying to correct an typo and-
I need to just stifle it.
Spence: Oh, but he did forget.
The next day he sighed contentedly (out of the end of his trunk) and feebly asked me, “Where are those marvelous Republican douche bags…?”
The Real JR Revisted:
The ant, in that famous dirty joke: “Did I hurt you, baby?”
Speaking of which, I’m presuming that all you journalists know the “hands off the elephant” rule if you’re going to be covering this circus.
Amazing stuff. I think our side has the graphic artists or something.
Subtle Messages:
Elephant on the bench at a hockey game? Impossible
Elephant on a canoe? Impossible
Jefferson Starship is entertainment? Impossible
McCain wins general election? …
The Real JR Revisted: the same way you sodomize a zebra, duh.
The Real JR Revisted: More to the point, how in the hell can you fit an elephant into an airport men’s room stall?
The Keynote Speaker must be old Scipio Africanus himself.
And to make things even better, he’s BLACKER than Condi and Colin put together!!!!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Scipio_Africanus_the_Elder.png
(And with a head of solid marble, he’s even number than GWHB!)
I guess the Republicans are failing in their bid to reach out to graphic designers. Oh and nice PhotoShop work GOP, it’s so realistic.
this pamphlet brings up that age old question/conundrum…which came first, the elephant or the republican idiot..?
…this should be and interesting election! John McCain on his War Elephant and Barack Obama on his rainbow unicorn(pictured below)
http://www.unicron.us/tf2001/toypics/battleunicron2.jpg
As fascinating as I find bestiality, in a purely anthropological sense, mind you, I’m going to go a little off topic. I’m watching the usual msnbc pundit block and i think I sense the Dems growing a set of cajones. Kerry is all like “The surge didn’t work, Bee-yatch” and That Solz guy is making my cameltoe all tingly…………
NoWireHangers: Yeah the GOP really need to stick to the mass orgy of consumerism and tackiness that is the Mall of America rather than profane First Ave.
AngryBlakGuy: …actually I think this WAAAAAAAY more accurate!
http://www.lorestrome.com/weekly/albums/userpics/10001/unicorn.jpg
i Fiel sooo muunch dumder awftr reedeeng dis.
regisgoat: Sorry, I don’t know that one. I’m still trying to figure out where that magnificent ape went.
SayItWithWookies: Holy shit, just what part of his magnificent body is that elephant tapping with to gain my attention!
Neilist: Snap, the last time I heard of Scipio outside of high school was in the Gladiator movie. Now I’m imagining an elephant AND a chariot death match at the convention. People, this is going to be the best party ever!
Then they’ll sack St. Cloud/Carthage, and salt the earth? With luck, not before they all hit the Uptown Theatre for a midnight showing of Rocky Horror Picture Show! Woo!
The brochure reminds me of all Chamber of Commerce-style promotions. I bet they mention that the biggest ball of twine in the world is only an hour or so away.
What I am trying to understand is whether this is an ad, intended to encourage attendance, or some kind of happy infomercial guide to the region. ‘Cos don’t the delegates HAVE to come? If a few stay away, who knows, maybe Dr Ron will stroll through the skyways and capture the nomination!
Edumacate me, please.
I bet codepink.com is buying hundreds of those giant inflatable
rats right now.
Carrie is hot.
I gather from the first picture that there will be lots of X and some good blow. Is Dangermouse the resident DJ or did they go with Dieselboy this year?
But can they fit an elephant into the Legion Hall where the convention is taking place?
Iggy Plop: Jim Carroll will perform “People Who Died,” but leave ambiguous whether he’s referring to Iraq casualties or the Republican nominee.
KevoTron: Shits PLUR man. I mean PLUR.
I’m surprised that they’re not including a tour of our world class bridges, at least the ones that are still standing.
What? No mention of the Gay 90’s (also world famous cause it says so on the sign) night club? Eh, I’m sure they’ll find their own way there.
Speaking of operatives, I hope Wonkette has lined up a rent boy (if he isn’t too busy with the increased business) to file regular dispatches from the GOP convention city.
Monsieur Grumpe:
TO ALL REPUBLICANS: PLEASE TAKE NOTICE THAT THE FOLLOWING PLACES WILL ALLOT YOU MANY BUTSECKS PLEASURES:
# 19 Bar, 19 W. 15th St., Minneapolis, 612.871.5553
# Bev’s Wine Bar, 250 3rd Ave., N., Minneapolis, 612.337.0102
# Blanche’s Cabaret, 1415 University Ave. W., 646.7087
# Boom!, 401 E. Hennepin, Minneapolis, 612.378.3188
# The Brass Rail, Minneapolis, 422 Hennepin Ave., 612.333.3016
# Bryant Lake Bowl, 1810 W. Lake Bowl, Minneapolis, 612.825.3737
# Club Metro, 733 Pierce Butler Rte., St. Paul, 651.489.0002
# Gay 90’s, 408 Hennepin Ave., Minneapolis, 612.333.7755
# Minneapolis Eagle, 515 Washington Ave. S., 612.338.4214
# Over the Rainbow, 249 W. 7th St., St. Paul, 651.228.7180
# The Saloon, 830 Hennepin Ave., Minneapolis, 612.332.0835
# The Town House, 1415 University Ave. W., St. Paul, 651.646.7087
# Trikkx, 490 N. Robert St., St. Paul, 651.224.0703
shortsshortsshorts: you said muunch….
All I saw was a nightmareish blood-orgy of elephant fucking.
I just found some secretly recorded footage of the RNC’s keynote address rehearsals:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_4oRHc7TUX0
i don’t care where those elephant fucking closeted homos are as long as its not nyc again. god that was horrible. maybe they should have their convention in iraq. you know since its such a success. and safe.
After 8 years of FAIL, it’s payback time. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls - step right up and own this elephant! Up the ass. Repeatedly. Without mercy.
That last image (Tantor in a canoe) is, I believe, terribly prophetic.
I been done seen ’bout everything when I see an elephant fly!
Also: do we take the goblins at face value when they say the Sword of Gryffindor actually belongs to them? If so, can goblins (presumably led by Cheney, et al.) please eat McCain? That would be worth watching.
shortsshortsshorts:
Awwww. Don’t tell them about Bev’s or Byrant Lake Bowl. My wife and I hit those spots regularly and the thought of it being over run with closeted, hypocritical Republicans in search of the nasty makes my skin crawl. Impressive list just the same. Well done.
shortsshortsshorts: I had to Google PLUR. gay. Well commenters… It’s the end of the sales month, I just got paid, haven’t had a smoke in four days…. Happy Hour indeed. See you tomorrow, same time, same place, same buttsecks jokes. Please continue kicking the GOP in their collective balls for me. Ciao.
I hope the elephant makes Debbie Sclussel’s eyes water and her bumsie bleed.
…GEEEEZ, Pat Buchanan is getting WORKED OVER on HardBall!!! LMAO!!!
Well, the first red photo there seems to assume that ‘publicans are strong enough to hold their arms up over their heads. Man, i’d pay to see that.
Having been to to MSP several times and totally hatin this hickville backwater, i really love reading how they promote their city with this stuff. Let me summarise any trip to MSP: land, rent car, drive to hotel, order room service by 6pm before it closes, drive rental car to meetings, drive rental car to airport (before it closes at 6pm), get the fo’ out.
I don’t know if this is still true but many years ago i missed my flight out because the airport closed at 6pm on Saturday or Sunday. seriously, why would people make a lifestyle choice to be there when suicide is still an option. i’d even sign up for the mujahajeen first.
well, the only thing good the state will probabaly reliabily vote dem for barry. then vote for jessie ventura for senate…just to balance things out
Monsieur Grumpe: All I am I owe to teh googlz.
Monsieur Grumpe: ha ha… you’re bringing up some funny memories now. I actually did make it to the Gay 90s once like 15 years ago. Man, even i’m gayer than that place and I wasn’t even wearing my cheekless chaps
Well, a rare chance for some trunk in your junk I guess.
Supernatural_Delegate: Straight from the bottle no less.
An LNSer?
What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in Saint Paul?
“Look, a herd of elephants in Saint Paul.”
shortsshortsshorts: Methoughts you were some elito from
Sausalito, not a pinkie from da Twinkies.
Darehead: Ay, the former, but with a search engine.
Darehead: And I believe we pronounce it “Sausa-elito” now.
“What is good, WALNUTS?”
“To crush your enemies…to drive them before you…to hear the weeping and lamentation of their WOMEN!”
“I am WALNUTS, king of all I survey. Look upon my works, ye mighty…and DESPAIR!”
“more theater seats per capita” aside from New York… Tony Awards… three times more performance artists than in most states…
That’s good they are promoting the theater in this flier, because I am sure there is nothing most Republican VOTERS like more than a bunch of fruits prancing around on a stage. But you say the word “arugula” and suddenly you’re an elitist Frenchie poo fag.
The GOP has hoodwinked the Joe-Six-Pack NASCAR fans into thinking they belong together, can’t they at least try to act like fundie blue collar rednecks?
Darehead: Our grass is made of arugula, and our housing costs constitute one quarter of the Gross Domestic Product.
AngryBlakGuy: I like Pat Buchanan. He acts as “I can’t believe they’re paying me to spew this crap!”
“The number of Minnesotans who are performance artists is three times higher than the national average.”
I’m hoping that they will all do lots of fun art works that have big clear tanks with body parts and piss. Also mimes hanging from the trees would be a fun art statement. I would love to see a long parade of elitist black corvettes a la Critical Mass too. Code Pink are you ready?
What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in Minneapolis wearing sunglasses?
Nothing. He can’t recognize the Paultards.
And Jon Stoltz was like STFU to that hedgehog guy.
102415: (sips her Blackberry Honest Tea while pondering how many mimes can a windshield can bear before cracking)
shortsshortsshorts: I bet you haven’t had to face any Starbucks closings either.
Are they actually going to bring an elephant to this thing? I hope so. When I was five years old my mom took me to some cheesy supermarket opening or something where they had an elephant for the children to ride. This creature was so disgusting. It had wrinkled, smelly, dun colored skin with bristly hairs sticking out and the snout was the most terrifying appendage I have ever seen. It made me gay, liberal and ironic all at once–instantly. No wonder I’ve been a lifelong Democrat.
HedonismBot: Here’s where the Joe Six Packers can go to feel their balls, err, stones, again; it’s very close to the convention site. Your friendly better than average curling club!
http://www.stpaulcurlingclub.org/
lilblackcorvette: Oh come on, Jon. Fess up. It’s really you isn’t it?
KevoTron: Yeah, all the picture needs is people holding glow sticks and wearing goofy hats.
I’m still stuck on the image on page 2 of the pamphlet. It says:
“JIM Carrol/Jefferson Starship/Widespread PANIC/RANK Strangers”.
Then, tucked safely and soundly beneath the big, strong elephant, are the words “normal Society”.
The Elephant is a Big Tent that Protects You from the FEARS we have presented You.
Got that.
SayItWithWookies: “…how in the hell can you fit an elephant into an airport men’s room stall?”
Open the door, put in the elephant, and close the door.
How do you get two elephants in the airport men’s room stall?
Tap on the floor. Open the door of one stall and take out the first elephant. Then open the door of the next stall and put in the second elephant, and don’t forget to close the door.
Why are there so many elephants running loose in Africa?
Not enough airport men’s room stalls.
The Real JR Revisted:
You asked for it. Caution NSFW stupid bar joke:
An elephant is lying on its side in pain because it stepped on a thorn. An ant walks up and the elephant begs it to help her.
The ant says “I’ll pull out the thorn, but I demand a chance to fufill my deepest and most perverted sexual fantasy. I want to do an elephant.”
Desperate, and thinking, eh, what’s the difference, the elephant agrees. Once the thorn is out, the elephant raises her tail and lets the ant do its thing. The ant is huffing and puffing away. Meanwhile, on a nearby tree, a chimp is watching this spectacle and laughing hysterically. He grabs a cocoanut and throws it at the tusker’s head.
“Ow!,” she says.
The ant stops and says “Did I hurt you, baby?”
How’d they get Kara Walker to do the cover illo?
The Real JR Revisted: “Lil’ Boots” Dubya 43icus is pleased to give you the barbarian horde!
What does Tarzan say when he sees a lone donkey wearing sunglasses amongst the herd of elephants in Saint Paul?
“Fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me…you can’t get fooled again….oh wait, Joe, is that you?”
GOP girls wear high pony tails? Who knew?
My first thought on seeing the cover was that they were going to sacrifice the elephant in some bloody ritual involving nakedness. But then it wouldn’t be a party the elephant couldn’t forget. Because he’d be dead. So, yeah, I’ll have to go with sodomy.
Iggy Plop: Ya. “Basketball Diaries”. Gritty story
The pony tail girl on the left is clearly achieving climax as she is munched upon.
Right under the elephant, to the left, looks suspiciously like a GOP/elephant penis - all balls, no dick.
I love the guy on the right drinking to forget why the hell he’s even there.
The biggest elephant in the room at the convention will be McCain.
So, does this mean that Minnesota will be waylaid with piles of elephant shit?
SayItWithWookies: Not just blacks, but Muslim blacks too. There are a lot of Somali and Ethiopian immigrants working in downtown Minneapolis, in hijab even. So you got them and you got your sidewalk fundies singin’ hymns and handing out free stuff, and then you got your gays and all the other Minnesota Communists. The question is not, why duddn’t the pamphlet show them. But, WHERE IS MARY TYLER MOORE?
Photo #4 - Although they won their NHL Division, the Minnesota Wild lost in their first round play-off series against - Colorado! How prescient.
lilblackcorvette: Lots and lots, they are much softer than crusty old homeless men.That is a very interesting idea. The video could be the hit of the Spoleto Festival next year.
regisgoat: lol… why am I laughing? lol… why? hehehe. omg…. hee.
schvitzatura: lol okay I just imagined Karl Rove with eye liner and an orange curly wig just announcing that. Horrrrrrrrrrrde!
FunkyPalmettoBug: There will be a lot more lakes too. Before Paul Bunyan and Babe drive them out.
That reminds me: Ken’s disguise at the “Shadow Convention” should be Paultard Bunyan!
http://www.newt.com/wohler/events/us-2002/minnesota/paul-bunyan,babe-big.jpg
FunkyPalmettoBug: Yes silly, it’s G.O.P. event. Doesn’t anyone remember when the RNC was receiving envelopes filled with shit in the mail? Party members are merely displaying their support.
and on another note…
Why do Reps choose places like NYC and Minneapolis for their conventions? Are they just trying to piss everybody in that particular area off? MinnaSowta is quoted to be a “swing state,” but being that fact is total elephant shit, what is the chance of getting the state… I mean really…
Maybe they should go to OH I DONT KNOW The Pits burgh or something, somewhere they can actually get enough people to drink the “bug juice.” Not sold. No. Never.
Barry will crush them like Mugabe crushes inflation… take off a few zeros.
shortsshortsshorts:Scandinavian Socialist Republic of Minnesota’s been getting more and more Purple Rain, and St Paul (not mpls) especially kinda reddie. Minnesoter got Bush’s butt boy Norm Coleman and McCain’s butt boy Tim Pawlenty and dat Fundie lady we always snark here…ummm…Michele Bachmann.
Good for the Paultards to be in Minneapolis though, amongst the gays, Commies, Muslims and FEDERAL RESERVE BANK. And most importantly, Minnesota is home of the *original* SPAM. There is even a MUSEUM OF SPAM.
And oh yeah, once the elephants and fat fundies trample all over the place there will be even more infrastructure problems begging for public spending.
The Republican National Converntion: Very, very, pasty white hunters…soul-sucking, abysmal, dark matter absorbing hearts.
The Republican National Convention: Very, very, pasty white hunters…soul-sucking, abysmal, dark matter absorbing hearts.
I must say, this is quite a tiny elephant. And you know what they say about political parties with tiny mascots.
Darehead: So I’m guessing there’s a West Side Story style Sharks and Jets thing going on between Minneapolis and St. Paul? Because that is going to make for one zip-gun toting convention. And surely the NRA will sue so people can carry said zip-gun into the convention. Hopefully they can shoot each other to death, you know, for ‘merica.
Warning all men: if visiting the Mall of America this summer, stay the hell away from the bathrooms!
shortsshortsshorts: Yeah, I made that snark yesterday. We Wonkers, a la Yojimbo, play all sides to antagonize all the conflicts and let them kill each other. Let’s see, potential warzones would be:
Regular GOP (McCain in St Paul) vs. Retro “Shadow” GOP (Paul in Mpls)
Baldwintards vs. Barrtards
9/11 Troofers vs. Everyone living in reality
Norm Coleman vs. Mrs. Coleman
Jesse vs. Arnold
Babe the Blue Ox vs. Herd of Elephants
Second Punic War? Hannibal ain’t got nuthin’ on Porus at the Battle of the Hydaspes…
Even Olly Stone, with his patented Any Given Sunday Shaky-Cam® makes blitzkrieg pachyderms seem semi-hella cool…
It looks like they are going to hold the GOP Convention at the La Brea tar pits.
red dawn.
I am sure the RNC will make Caligula blush.
lilblackcorvette: When Barry is elected Patrician, he should institute the scorpion pit for mimes.
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How can you breath through that thing?
Fuck everything.
shortsshortsshorts: Yeah, but to do it with variety, doncha think that pachydermal lap dance the hockey boys are getting looks kinda innerestin”?
Oh, and speaking of PAChydermal politics in Minnesota, Republican Sen. Norm Coleman needs to give back the more than $20,000 he’s received from the PAC– political action committee–of his Alaskan fishing buddy, Ted Stevens.
That’s funny, I just got the same email from the DNC:
http://tinypic.com/view.php?pic=2dvvswm&s=4
That elephant was Sen. Larry Craig’s idea — he’s been doing yoga to improve his “wide stance”, to get ready for the elephant. Sen. Craig always has a good time in Minneapolis.
Better not run that elephant over any bridges!
C’mon, people. We all know the elephant will sodomize itself. That’s what GOPerz do, innit?
BTW, Widespread Fucking Panic? Those guys gotta be pissed they’re getting used in this way. I saw them at the Rothbury Festival a few weeks ago and I have a very hard time believing that they are Republican supporters.
See if you can find me in any of the pictures from the festival. Hint: slideshow.
http://revolutionaryviews.com/rothbury.html
These are just like the Tiajuana ads, except they swap the donkey for an elephant.
‘Pubic wars’, not ‘Punic’.
Why didn’t anyone at the Guthrie think of putting on the “Elephant Man”? They could have had McCain and his freaky face growth play the lead.
larz: My friends, I am not an animal! I am a human being! I…am…a man!
Walter Sobchak: That was hilarious!
Why is the elephant eating a sailboat in the last picture?
anabellum: So basically, the brochure is saying that Minnesota is Romy and Michele? Which one, is the real question? I vote Minnesota is Romy, and Wisconsin gets to be Michele.
The last picture with the elephant in a canoe…. hmmmmm…. by the way that they positioned it, it makes it looks like the elephant is either vomiting or eating a blurry sailboat. Lovely.
As for the image on the cover of the pamphlet…
Elephant + Mosh Pit = Hospital
cynbot: You beat me to it!
Yes, let’s put the symbol of our party rearing its head in some manner of shock/anguish next to the words “widespread PANIC”!
What? That won’t work? Well, let’s do a photoshop job that screams “I haven’t mastered this whole layers blending concept yet”.
Republicans don’t see theater! It’s far too “elitist” and “cultural,” two things Repubs hate and are fighting to protect the American people from.
If I attended an orgy bathed in blood that involved an elephant, I would be hard pressed to forget it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TnvbgMdbinM