Wonkette
Hey college kids, are you looking for an exciting internship opportunity that’s guaranteed to launch you into the successful career of your choice? If you answered “No,” then we’ve got the perfect dead-end solution: John McCain is looking for interns! In Arlington, Virginia! It’s unpaid, but don’t worry about that: if you display a basic competency in Microsoft Word — you understand how to change fonts when required, for example — you could be managing the campaign all by yourself within a matter of weeks! The forwarded job description e-mail, after the jump.
Just think: you could work with Mister Cummins. Mmm!
From: John Cummins [mailto:Volunteer2@JohnMcCain.com]
Sent: Wednesday, July 30, 2008 1:10 PM
To: ********************
Subject: McCain Campaign Internships
John McCain 2008John McCain needs YOU!
The John McCain 2008 Presidential Campaign is looking for interns for positions available immediately in our Arlington, Virginia headquarters.
In addition to giving you real-world work experience, this program provides an opportunity to participate in the most exciting presidential election in history! Campaign Internships are unpaid and participants are responsible for arranging their own transportation and housing.
Interns will work with staff on various projects essential to the campaign and play a significant role in Senator McCain’s campaign.
Interested candidates should send a resume and cover letter (with availability) to: Volunteer2@JohnMcCain.com
Thank-you!
John Cummins, Deputy Director of Volunteers
Volunteer2@JohnMcCain.com
Oh boy! You’d get to work with people so smart that they hyphenate “Thank-you.”
I briefly considered applying, just to sabotage the campaign from the inside, but then I realized they don’t need me for it.
I thought that the Republicans cared more about their interns’ IM skills than their Microsoft Word skills.
i-don’t-get-it, what’s wrong with-hyphenation?
what is Meghan McCain not pulling her weight or something?
Surely swarms of 90 year old “college kids” will be tapping into this unique and exciting opportunity.
The most exciting campaign in history? Mmm…hmmm… I’m sure electing George Washington or Abe Lincoln was a total snooze. And Kennedy/Nixon? BORING!
What excitement has WALNUTS! contributed? Oh! I forgot! Wait… no I didn’t. He’s more boring than nineteenth century pornography.
John Cummins?
This sounds like a jim-dandy part-time job for any young-ster. If I were an unemployed youth, I would hie myself down to the McCain head-quarters in a jiffy.
jim please tell me you will use this pic of ann coulture. Pretty please!
http://www.toofly.com/userGallery/1128018574.jpg
If you want to participate “in the most exciting presidential election in history,” shouldn’t you be volunteering for Obama?
He’s an international rock star who goes to foreign countries and makes speeches to hundreds of thousands of cheering people.
McCain goes to the dermatologist and the grocery store.
Just think, you could be in charge of getting him his onion belt and tivoing “Murder She Wrote” and “Matlock”!
A Republican named Cummins is looking for an intern? Uh oh.
KevoTron: After google-imaging “nineteenth century pornography,” you are absolutely right.
They forgot to add “Must have own derringer.”
Thank-you!
SIwW
Now, now, Wonkette. I’m sure there are plenty of home-schooled Regent Law School grads that will jump at the opportunity to serve their, um, well to xerox shit and get coffee.
AxmxZ: Maybe you could design another kickass Facebook profile? Yesterday’s BarackBook page got pretty out of hand. Some Wonkette commenters have a severe lack of respect for our revered GOP counterparts. There were discussion topics referencing hot lobbyist buttsecks, pooing on the American flag and other such traitorous things. SHOCKING!
I’m a college kid and I love sabotage! I’m cummin all over the ceiling!
Sorry. All the Virginia-area collegians are at the Chincoteague HorseDeath Extravaganza.
“play a significant role” = “getting ass-fucked”
Intern duties include:
Turn on McCain’s computer for him.
Pull McCain’s finger when asked and laugh.
Make trips to the store for Grampers as needed.
Pre-chew McCain’s food.
Check McCain’s email for Nigerian scams and delete them.
Pick up the latest issue of AARP magazine.
Turn off McCain’s computer for him.
mookworthjwilson: McCain thinks “teh Tivos” is the nasty form of “the claps” you catch from Vietnamese prostitutes.
Future resume bullet points:
Feb. 2008 - Prep Chef, Subway restaurant
Aug. 2008 - Intern, McCain Presidential Campaign
Nov. 2008 - Prep Chef, Quiznos restaurant
“Responsibilities to include: applesauce fetching, moisturizing the skin of the enfeebled, and thoroughly mixing the Metamucil.”
Sure a job working for McCain’s campaign could lead to great things like, uh, like a, er, like, um, I got nothing.
The top intern will get the coveted position of being McCain’s “body man” — a.k.a the stooge who monitors McMaverick’s back for suspicious-looking moles.
“John Cummins”? Is that his intertubez porn name or something?
The sad thing is that we all now the types that will apply for these positions. We all had them in our college classes: Guys who wear a lot of Lacoste, with the occasional flair for cowboy boots and girls who dress like Laura Bush and sponsor the local cotillion/debutante society.
These are the Bush conservatives who like to tout personal responsibility and fiscal conservatism as pedestals of what they believe while supporting the most out-of-control and irresponsible fiscal policy the nation has ever seen. The biggest threat to ‘Little Laura’ and ‘Little Dubya’ is the risk of a 1% hike in their parents’ tax rates and the gay’s destruction of the sanctity of marriage (despite the fact that ‘Little W’ has gotten a number of ‘Little Laura’s’ sorority sisters pregnant forcing them to have to ‘visit their aunt’ for 8-10 months following.)
I guarantee there will be enough popped collars and plaid shorts at the first round of interviews that Hollister can shut down for the day.
How’s that for pent up aggresion?
…Truck Nutz
NoWireHangers: First read, I thought that was “apple sauce felching“
“an opportunity to participate in the most exciting presidential election in history!”
Yeah, but on the losing team.
@ RuperttheBear… That position is reserved for Ann Coulter.
And remember kids…bring your own lube! Otherwise….
Count Snarkula: Better lube up before you go into work in the morning, otherwise you’ll never have a chance.
RuperttheBear: That too.
Inevitable scenario:
“Erm, Senator, I really don’t feel comfortable calling your wife a cunt. How about I dial the numbers for you and then you can talk to her? …. No Senator, you talk into this end… Never mind, I’ll do it.”
mookworthjwilson: silly mookworth! McCain can’t tivo! He’s still trying to get the VCR clock to stop blinkg 12:00 12:00 12:00
Supernatural_Delegate: I was at this party by my college last night and two people were arguing–a girl felt like she was being attacked for her personal beliefs because her granddad left her $100,000 and so she voted Republican, because the Democrats would take it all away from her.
Basically, she said she was ashamed of voting Republican, but she believed in it and would keep doing it, and the guy she was arguing with basically just kept calling her a moron.
tunamelt: I would have been that guy.
shortsshortsshorts: I would have been the guy that defender her, got her drunk, yadda yadda yadda, ate the food in her fridge the next morning and boogied the fuck out of there while she’s still sleeping.
Bagging stupid Republican chicks is WAY more noble than engaging them in honest discourse. I mean really Shorts- what does that accomplish?
KevoTron:
It’s all good right up till she texts you this.
OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG I l8T OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG CVS OOS PLan B! OMG OMG OMG OMG
ManchuCandidate: Well I DO have a passport and frankly Canada’s looking better each year. Point taken though.
“Campaign Internships are unpaid and participants are responsible for arranging their own transportation and housing.”
So McCain will treat his interns pretty much the way he plans to treat the citizenry when he hits the Oval Office?
Why does a man born into wealth; who married into greater wealth; who owns more than a half dozen homes and forgets to pay tax on them; who travels by his wife’s private plane; who has never actually had a JOB; who wears loafers that cost minimum-wagers’ about two weeks salary; and who wants others to work for him for free; feel the need to remind voters that his opponent:
A man born into poverty; who married an equally penurious spouse; who bought one home with his own earnings and pays his taxes; who has had actual jobs [plural] and has EARNED everything he now has….
is an “elitist?”
I’ve been watching Presidential campaigns since 1960 and can say without any hesitation, this guy is the dumbest fuck to stumble down the turnpike in living memory.
Now, where do I apply for that internship? And once I’ve served the next Oval Office Overlord, I can haz Green Card?
ManchuCandidate: OMG LOL ROFL GR8 BRB WUA KKK WGN NBC CBS TVA ICJ UN!!!!!!1!
KevoTron: Having made said mistake, be aware of the consequences. They will find you and they believe in wiretapping your phone.
ManchuCandidate: When Tuesday Night Takedowns go wrong.
Canuckledragger: Being a terrorist on drugs and welfare hardly makes Barry right for the job.
tunamelt:
Exactly… Tears of awesome!
Poli sci majors could learn a lot from a campaign that does everything wrong…
Fuck-you!
Thought going through the mind of a young republican;
“Oh boy! A real job that doesn’t pay anything and that will move my career forward and get me hot chicks (maybe even Megan) and get me out of my parents basement for a few hours every week…damn, where do I sign up?”
Or, you know, something like that.
Gosh! Where can I sign up to get my hands on all that fin de siècle technology of the Gilded Age.
irisheyes: That’s why the intern has to do it!!!
I walked through McCain’s HQ briefly a few months ago, and the only thing of interest was the fountain drink thing with free Red Bull. I would consider applying for this internship just to chug Red Bull all day while I applied for real jobs after McCain is crushingly defeated by Bob Barr.
I thought McCain’s staff writes all his press releases in Comic Sans.
Would avise candidates to bring own chastity butt-belt.
Where’s the fun being an intern under a guy whose only big bulge is in his cheek, whose teeth and hair are fake, and whose wife is an alien space lizard out to destroy life on Earth, flying around in her private Arizona spacecraft (license plate GOODBUD)?
On the other hand, if I could intern for the Str8 Tlk Xpres bus guide, yummy Davis “White”….oh yeah!
http://wonkette.com/400459/mccain-cribs-tours-the-straight-talk-express
Turn around again, Davis!
ManchuCandidate: that was amazing.
You must supply your own IBM Selectric typewritter, ribbon and carbon paper.
i’m young but strappin’ cum from west virginnie. Papa always said I had a future in front of me, cause of my special wide stance.
wallythepug: Is Smith Corona acceptable? I got one of these.
http://www.mytypewriter.com/ProductImages/Corona_Silent_1950s_M.jpg
Instead of a swarm of interns, he really needs a school of doctor-fish to gnaw away at the mass of dead tissue which composes his withered husk.
polar_bear: Don’t do it! It’s a TRAP! SOYLENT GREEN IS INTERNS!
Jim Newell,
“John McCain Needs New Interns!”
Let’s be real. Midge needs a new everything. Earwax buildup and Cindy can only hold him together for so long. Gee, if I only lived closer. I suppose if I handled campaign donations, I could retire someday to Monaco. (A sunny place for shady people.)
Since Midge can’t even use an abacus, which he awaited as a kid like some have for an I-Phone, he might not miss an intern “putting themselves on the payroll.”
Sincerely and respectfully,
Mr. Clark
Wee Mousie: Walmart, I think.
Read it more closely: they’re talking about the 2012 campaign. The one where the Republicans nominate a hot chick. Maybe Britney. If not, Jenna Bush. Lovin-it!
Well, a bright young person might want to beat the rush to Arlington by going early. Because if McCain is elected, a lot of young people are going for a one-way trip to Arlington.