Wonkette
Imaginary Democratic vice presidential frontrunner Gov. Tim Kaine is now being harassed by the press all over his weird state of Virginia. He told reporters this morning that he doesn’t “have any idea about where the process is” and he hasn’t talked to Obama “for a number of weeks, since before his trip.” He is already the Vice President of Lies, it seems. But where did he tell reporters these terrible lies? “Kaine, widely rumored to be at the top of Obama’s veep short list, attended the annual Chincoteague Pony Swim this morning with his 13-year old daughter.” Oh, how predictable: our would-be second black vice president is a deranged horse-drowning fetishist.
We went to the website of the Chincoteague Pony Swim to see, you know, what the hell is going on here. This appears to be the main event for which psycho Tim Kaine showed his face today:
Between 7:00 a.m. and 1:00 p.m. (the time can not be predicted exactly - dependent on tide, currents, and readiness of ponies) ponies swim Assateague Channel at Chincoteague Memorial Park - east side of island. No charge by Fire Co. for parking (at High School - click here) or seeing ponies swim. After a brief rest, ponies are herded to Carnival Grounds. The first colt to come ashore in the pony swim (King or Queen Neptune) will be given away at the carnival grounds.
This is Tim Kaine’s favorite event of the entire year. The horses drown in the Ass Lake and then are sold to the alien King & Queen of Neptune.
Harvard-educated Sara K. Smith, when she read this, mentioned some fancy book related to the pony death swim: “Oh hey, like Misty of Chicoteague. Remember that book? Or am I the only one who was a 9-year-old girl once?” No, Sara, your fellow associate editor did not read horse porn when he was a 9-year-old girl. We should hope that our new black vice president didn’t, either.
Speaking with Kaine in Chincoteague [First Read]
The Ponies of Chincoteague and Pony Penning [Chincoteague.com]
I want a swimming pony for Christmas.
Horses can swim???
WTF is wrong with the press? Can’t the let a man enjoy horses drowning in peace?
Also, isn’t “Misty of Chicoteague” an online phone sex operator?
Why does Gov. Tim Kaine hate America… and horses?
Hey, I’m with Sara - I was a ‘Misty’ fan as a kid, and even got to ride Stormy (’Misty’s Foal’ for the uninitiated) when I went to Chincoteague for the Pony Swim many moons ago. I’m sure McCain’s ridden a Stormy or two as well, albeit in rather different circumstances.
Pony Penning Day is like Lilith Fair for white pre-teen girls, only with more mosquito bites and ponies. In other words, it totally rocks.
Ponyboarding apparently isn’t illegal in that redneck of the woods.
They Shoot Horses, Don’t They?
Don’t They?????
You know what would make that horsey swim thing more exciting and YouTube worthy? Crocodiles.
I remember Misty
I’m personally offended on behalf of Cormac McCarthy.
Did anyone look at the background on that site? I think it’s ponyfucking..weird..
well, we (the world?) are letting China host the Olympics and they EAT horses, don’t they? Also, they?
Does “Bunny with whip” know about this?
SayItWithWookies: Can we arrange that?
OK, I only went to a state school and even I read that book in 4th grade.
I wanted to change my name to Misty.
Here’s a servicy snippet for those who have never had the pleasure;
Amazon.com
On an island off the coasts of Virginia and Maryland lives a centuries-old band of wild ponies. Among them is the most mysterious of all, Phantom, a rarely seen mare that eludes all efforts to capture her–that is, until a young boy and girl lay eyes on her and determine that they can’t live without her. The frenzied roundup that follows on the next “Pony Penning Day” does indeed bring Phantom into their lives, in a way they never would have suspected. Phantom would forever be a creature of the wild. But her gentle, loyal colt Misty is another story altogether.
columnv: if you are not joking, which I cannot tell, yes, they can. I have ridden on a horse while it was swimming. Totally cool experience except for the flotilla of horse poop floating in the water. Swimming apparently gets the old horse digestive system working.
Assateague Channel? Is that like a gay porn network?
“Barack Obama rides side-saddle and we know only 9 rear old girls and homosexuals ride side-saddle.
I’m John McCain and i approve this message.”
No jokes could top the writing in that story. Rampant hilarity.
A clear WIN for Newell.
SayItWithWookies: I thought the same thing. Like the wildebeest migration.
SayItWithWookies: Or a reality show where they get voted out of the water.
Yes! Misty of Chincoteague! Oooh, n-o-s-t-a-l-g-i-a….
Yes, I, too, was once a nine-year-old girl. But now I’m just bitter.
Doglessliberal: Get Walnuts! his waterwings.
…if he is going to be Obama’s VP shouldn’t he be at a Unicorn race instead?
trophy(forparticipation)wife: It could be a new Animal Planet reality show. You’d need to include lions where the ponies come ashore, too, to up the excitement factor.
shortsshortsshorts: ack. you beat me
SayItWithWookies: I second this.
freakishlystrong: Ponyfucking is not weird. It’s “natural”.
Sorry, Sara, I was into dogs at that age.
“Old Yeller” anyone?
…my money is on Ann Coulter!
no crude sexual remarks or innuendos here about young girls
and horses. no asking why they so love to ride.
nope. none. none whatsoever. don’t even think about it.
The weak and the sickly horses are weeded out — just as nature intended. Where do you think McCain got the idea for his health care plan?
magic titty: I concur, did you glance at the damn tags?
I got married near there and this thing is like the biggest thing that happens all year. The whole economy of Chincoteague is based around either the pony swim or Misty and the other pony related books by Marguerite Henry. My wife and I wanted to be married on the beach and my childhood memory of reading Misty in school allowed me to remember a beach near Maryland other than Ocean City.
Teh g00glz give me this:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Misty_of_Chincoteague
>>Misty was a pinto pony whose coloration included a large patch of white on her side, shaped like the United States.
Would Misty try to kick the SUPER ELITE UPPITY NEGRO VICE_PRESIDENT?
trophy(forparticipation)wife: That’s exactly the image I was thinking of…I wonder if David Attenborough could narrate it.
NotUrEvryDayWEzl: Global warming might do that for us. Something to thank the entire Bush clan for, if it comes to pass.
Contrary to popular belief, this did not begin as a training excercise for water polo.
SayItWithWookies: If we pass on our sewage plant, the Bush clan will be there to come to piss.
magic titty: +1, but my favorite bit wasn’t actually written by Newell:
“the time can not be predicted exactly - dependent on tide, currents, and readiness of ponies”
For some reason, I found the phrase “readiness of ponies” very amusing.
Isn’t the imaginary veep the same dude who played “Grandpa” in the Munsters?
http://gothamist.com/attachments/garth/2006_02_11_lewis.jpg
SayItWithWookies: Alligators will be moving up the coast from the Carolinas to invade Virginia!? Sweet!
obfuscator: Believe me, you do not want to make an “unready pony” try to swim. It is not pretty.
This explains why John Kerry looked so tired.
obfuscator: noticed that. found it quite excellent.
but what does it entail…this readiness? Or better said, what doesn’t it entail?
Would Cindy McCain know?
What happens to the last colt out of the water? Roasted over an open fire at RNC? Herded into the Lincoln bedroom for Laura? Used as glue for posting fliers for next years Chincoteague Pony Swim?
I went to Chincoteague in summer ‘03, but the only pony I saw was hanging out behind McDonald’s for some reason.
I was once a nine-year-old girl, but because I’m from Colorado, we didn’t know about Misty. To us, horses were just those things you rode when scalping natives or herding cattle. That’s why when I saw a friend of mine (I use friend loosely) wearing a “vintage” Misty of Chicoteague t-shirt from Goodwill, I was all “Who the fuck is Misty? And how do your pronounce that word?”
Doglessliberal: I don’t even know if I was joking or not, that’s how pathetic I’ve become.
Oh, and it does sound kick-ass to ride a horse while it’s swimming. Can an elephant swim, cause that would be kick-ass to ride too. Oh, and it might also be nice to ride that trollop of a wife of WALNUTS in the water (her minus 40 years).
He’s probably rounding up all the ponies that Hopey is going to give us when he wins in November.
New McCain ad concept.
As the tune “Wildfire” by Michael Murphy plays in the background, shots of sad ten year old white girls clutching their horse-dolls, ending with the sequence from “The Horse Whisperer” where Scarlett Johansson gets thrown.
Ominous voice over:They say Wildfire busted down his stall. But we all know, some people will do anything for attention. . .
Cut to picture of Obama looking goofy in cowboy hat.
“I’m John McCain and I appr–HEY! GET OFF MY LAWN!”
columnv: elephants can swim, too. I think it was PLanet Earth, but I saw a show where they were playing in the water, going under and everything. Totally amazing.
I am going to part company with you on the Cindy issue.
wallythepug: Finally paying us back for forty acres and a mule.
Doglessliberal: That’s BBC Planet Earth. The right music can make you believe anything. Elephants invented water ballet.
“The first colt to come ashore in the pony swim (King or Queen Neptune) will be given away at the carnival grounds.”
Wait, colts are male, so this pony swim assumes the winner will be male, but possibly homosexual, and therefore a Queen? I hope the fundies are making note of this.
I dunno. Maybe those damn ponies deserved it. I’ve been camping on Assateague and one of those ponies trapped me in the porta john. Hmph.
Doglessliberal: Yea, the Cindy thing I knew I was joking about.
I’m gonna get me an elephant and swim down the Jersey shore!
trophy(forparticipation)wife: yes, the BBC version! Watched the whole series.
NotUrEvryDayWEzl: They’ve already started:
http://hamptonroads.com/node/325461
Every spring Lieberman heards rats across Long Island sound.
Darehead: He also led the Teamsters for years and is buried under Yankee stadium.
http://www.historical-images.com/jimmyhoffaportrait.jpg
I wonder if PETA protested this event? If so, I’d luv to see them try and get the horses out of water, getting kicked and wet. Id pay 5 dollars to see that. mmm, maybe 5.50
Great. Another lackey of Big Horse.
The rest of the young ponies are auctioned off-just like slaves!
No wonder this Virginia ‘Governor’ was present.
(and yes, swimming ponies is a blast-but they are very, very slippery when they are wet so you have to hold on to the mane)
BadNewsJack: They do protest it from time to time; once or twice when the surf was bad a sickly foal or two drowned and the PETA folks went ballistic. They seem to overlook the fact that the whole point of the exercise is to keep the population down to a manageable size (since otherwise said ponies would starve and stuff), but that’s pretty par for the course for them.
Now, whether starvation or a life in servitude to a little girl who has never owned a pony before and has a good 3-4 years before the cute foal daddy buys is big enough/safe enough to ride (presumably by which point she’s moved on to tweenish slutdom) is another question…
superfecta: “The More You Know”
“Oh, and it might also be nice to ride that trollop of a wife of WALNUTS in the water (her minus 40 years).”
Dude. That would make her 14.
“Chincoteague” is Mugwump for “Lies and Cheats Just Before the Dawn”.
Every child knows that.
Wow. I can’t believe this is news, but then, I grew up in Maryland. I didn’t go through the horsey phase, but my mom read “Misty of Chincoteague” to us when we were kids. Mostly to my little brother; I just sorta half paid attention.
I was fascinated when I got older to find out it wasn’t all made up, that they really do this every year.
RuperttheBear: I posted this and it never showed up and then it did. Is there somekind’o limbo for some comments with tags in them?
RuperttheBear: It’s decreed in the ambiguous Wonstitution that whosoever puts in more than one link can’t be automatically processed and has to wait for a handjob from the editors. So, you passed the handjob.