Wonkette
Yes Mark Halperin’s website, draw laughs he will! Tonight marks John McCain’s first appearance on the NBC comedy show Late Night With Conan O’Brien since 2005, back when he was still that funny old coot and failed presidential senator guy with black children. Now, of course, he poses the greatest possible threat to the survival of Earth and everyone hates him. But he’s still a wonderful comedian and we look forward to seeing him in his element tonight. What jokes about cunts, bestial rape, ugly young girls and killing innocent civilians will he debut tonight?
Senior officials at Langley have given us hints as to what we can expect from McCain’s hilarious new routine:
- “Conan, where is my bowl of honey roasted nuts, you cunt.”
- “Conan, did you ever hear the one about the gorilla who raped some gal? The gorilla is actually a black man and all of you people are cunts.”
- “Where did I leave my goddamn pants.”
- “I got a bagel at a New York diner today and the fat broad waitress tells me the cream cheese spread costs an extra 18 cents. I thought that was ridiculous. 18 cents for a standard cream cheese spread. So I called her a usurious Jew and also a cunt.”
- “Conan lemme tell ya a thing or two about the Japs. They’re like the Chinese, except we didn’t nuke the Chinese. We need to nuke Russia.”
- “I hope ugly Chelsea Clinton smokes cigarettes and dies, the cunt.”
- “Take my wife. Please! She’s a cunt.”
- “I just flew in from Vegas and boy, are you a cunt, Conan.”
See? He's learning! If liberals say your jokes aren't funny, make funnier jokes.
McCain to Draw Laughs with Conan [The Page]
“Haha…no, seriously! So I sez, ‘You’re a cunt!’ an’ she sez, ‘You’re a trollop!’. An’ then I popped her one! A week later I left my wife for this gal, I tells ya!”
Jesus, Mary and Joseph DiMaggio! From the picture, it’s hard to tell whether C. O’B is a jokester or the Joker.
loudmouthredhead:
rodney?
Have we found our new Andy Richter? I mean, it’s not like he’ll be prez-o-dent.
Conan is tape-delayed, right? Otherwise gramps is up way past his bedtime, which will certainly provide plenty of cunting.
tsunami: “This cunt won’t give me no respect, I tell ya…no respect!”
Better?
GET OFF MY LAWN!
loudmouthredhead:
fukkin perfect.
I think you misquoted that third joke, Jim. It goes like this: “Where did I leave my goddamn pants, you cunt.”
“So my wife and I go to this nice restaurant she’s been talking about, and the waitress asks for our order, and I say, ‘I’ll have a cunt.’ The waitress looks a little startled and says, ‘I’m sorry sir, we don’t serve cunts here.’ So I look at my wife and say, ‘Honey I thought you said you’d been here before.’”
“So Conan. A queer, a colored guy, and a jew come into a bar…”
SayItWithWookies: OK i wasn’t expecting that to be an actual joke with a PUNCHLINE before i read it, but it was, and thank you.
Conservatives United to Nuke Taxes
SayItWithWookies: HA!
Win.
SayItWithWookies: Tell the truth, you’re a McCain speechwriter, aren’t you?
WALNUTS! is so old, that when he dumped his first wife, she got the cave. Ba da bam!
What exactly is going on with Conan’s hair?
I can’t laugh at Conan any more, because he keeps looking more and more like he’s made out of neoprene.
“What you call a Iranian running? A terrorist. What you call an Iranian standing still? A well disciplined terrorist. Get it…ha…I’ve got a million of them. I should definitely be President…cause I am so gawd damned funny!”
jesus, McCain without pants is a disturbing thought. worse than man-boobs Cheney
The Incomparable Tiny Valdez: Or McCain’s neckflap!? Yow.
Thank you for the heads up, because Conan will destroy him by playing it straight. He wouldn’t let Bob Dole make a single fucking joke without tearing into him like Sam Donaldson with an itchy hairpiece.
“Conan, my friend, I am so old. I am so old, my prom theme was ‘fire’. Cunt you very much, please tip your waitresses… cunts!”.
The Incomparable Tiny Valdez: What exactly is going on with Conan’s hair?
Thatis a runaway Pompadour.
The Pompadour was the 1940’s version of teh Gay.
“So, the ol’ trollop cut herself a piece of watermelon and she retreats to the back porch to eat it.
I decide to grab a drink, and I join her. As soon as I get out there, I see she’s got her dress all pulled up above her waist, effectively exposing her nether regions to the afternoon air.
“You cunt!” I exclaim. “What are you doing?! Airing out that old pussy?”
“I don’t know about that…,”she replies,”I’m just keeping the flies off my watermelon.”
Conan uses new teleprompter.
Jim Newell: That’s probably the highest intellectual achievement of my day — not bad, considering the vicious Bitburger Pils hangover I’m dealing with.
As I’ve noted before, conservatives = not funny.
It’s science. http://berkeley.edu/news/media/releases/2003/07/22_politics.shtml
That’s totes McCain’s O face.
Q: What do you call a tribe of clever African Pygmies?
A: A bunch of cunning runts.
Q: So, what do you call a wymmin’s track team?
A: A bunch of running cunts.
The Walnuts operation can use this without attribution, since I stole it from Eric Clapton as reported In Rolling Stone a long time ago.
AfghanVet: “Waddya call a running Iranian? A terrorist! Waddya call an Iranian standing still? An easy target! Ha ha! Did I ever mention that I was in the Navy? Oh, I just shat my Depends!”
I say Walnuts will tailor his japes to the situation.
It’ll be drunken Mick jokes all night long.
“How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?”
“Cunt.”
At CUNT least Walnuts is CUNT raising awarness for Touretters.
Fuck!
Whatever is is, I’m sure it’ll be comedy platinum. Somehow.
At the start of the show, Conan says “John, what’s the difference between a cunt and a pussy?”
McCain takes out a nude photo of his sleeping wife, draws a circle around her pubic hair, and says
“The part in the circle is the pussy”, then he continues, “everything around that is the cunt”.
Trip your waiters!
boskolives.wordpress.com
We don’t expect Walnuts to be funny, at least not on purpose.
The funniest part to me is that anyone thinks Conan O’Brien is funny.