Wonkette
McCAIN’S WAR ON DENVER: How will Walnuts compete with Barack Obama’s Stadium Sex Rock Show? The solution involves Werther’s hard candies, Bud Lite, and bombing Minneapolis. [AOL Political Machine]
CH-CHANGE W-WE CAN B-BELIEVE IN
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if John Wayne McCain feels the need to crash another aeroplane…then i think he knows best…
but im going to hold out for regular Bud…that light shit just doesnt put me to sleep in the afternoon like it should…
Would congestive heart failure or perhaps a tumble off the stage help media coverage as well?
Too bad Bud Lite is one of them furr-en beers now!
Does Minneapolis get free cigarettes too?
oh yeah….if John McCain bites hard down on a Werthers candy…..do his NUTZ glow in the dark?….
anabellum: idiot…down hard…down hard….
This man is out there being shot down every day, then tortured, and then made a speech in front of dozens of people.
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?
Minneapolis? Obviously he should reserve the Mall of America Applebee’s. Or at least book their banquet room.
bago: Hey, if john mccain wants to get rid of his enemies that way, I know plenty of wanting homos and hobos (including myself… as a homo who only resembles a hobo on saturday mornings) who will gladly accept a lifetime supply (which will be less than one would normally imagine, obviously)
obviously ive nothing to do tonight except try [and fail] to make bad jokes…
please help me…offer to take me to football game or whatever it is you guys do..
im easy…
anabellum: I suggest drinking yourself to sleep and then waking up at 9:30 to drink some more.
I think you people should admit that you are alcoholics and that your lives have become unmanageable. Then you should turn your lives over to a higher power. Xanax is supposed to be pretty good.
I hear they’re trying to decide on a logo:
http://usera.imagecave.com/destonio/RNCWide.jpg
http://usera.imagecave.com/destonio/rnc_2008_logo.jpg
http://usera.imagecave.com/destonio/wide_stance_2008.jpg
Ken Layne,
Sen. Obama, by choosing to out himself at Denver’s Mile High Stadium, might send the wrong message during economic hard times. It might suggest that Democrats are wasteful instead of Sen. Obama’s claim that it will give more people a chance to participate in his history…um…I mean the process. Perhaps he may mention them in his next book? I think he should “borrow” the title of Emmet Fox’s THE SERMON ON THE MOUNT. But, since Oprah now has a “Thyroid problem” a larger venue does make some sense.
Midge, on the other hand, should stick with what he knows. It has been reported that he has been around since Biblical times. Perhaps he can enter from the other side of the Mississippi by parting it like Moses did the Red Sea? It would certainly awaken the Fundamentalist Christians, adding even more people to his voting block. If he wins back the Fundamentalist Christians, he needs to stop calling Cindy a God-damned-fucking-cunt while the microphone is still on. Age may have an advantage.
Denver’s Mile High Stadium is still a finite space. Between Oprah and her ego, the various bands’ groupies and Sen. Obama’s ego…how much seating is really left? Sure, his speech will sound good, but will it really say anything of substance? Oh, well. When all else fails, “borrow” from JFK, MLK or Bill Cosby. Nobody is really listening or cares for that matter.
As far as Midge’s highly unanticipated speech, the bar is so low that he can’t help but surprise somehow in a positive way. It looks like Cindy may make a little extra dough after the markets open tomorrow. She can afford to send out free Bud Light. Hey, maybe Midge can use Cindy as a story of one of the “haves” really making a killing during the Bush years? I’m sure Cindy benefited from the sale of Anheuser-Busch. That will play really well to the conservative base. There’s no recession in the McCain household, so, no need to even mention the economy. Why ruin everyone’s night?
I think they are well matched and both conventions should be exciting! (OK, my painkillers just kicked in.)
Sincerely and respectfully,
Mr-Clark
“Don’t give up, Juan.”
Ken, you’re underestimating the Democrats’ ability to roll over and die at the last minute. Also, #4: Terror alert! Poisoned arugula in Sector 4! All you liberals, start thankin’ McCain, who saved yer asses when ye were so ungrateful! Or something like that — he was tortured in prison, you know.
anabellum: take me to football game
Um…no football at present. We can wear hats and hi-five, if that’s fun…
Please don’t ever use that image again, ever.
It is my understanding that McCain will accept the Republican nomination by reenacting his captivity and torture at the hands of the Vietcong during the Vietnam war. This performance will be outdoors in front of the Whitehouse and will resemble the Vietnam Veterans Against the War die-ins of the late 60’s, except the other way around, with the crowd applauding as McCain Napalms a small village in Laos. The climax of the sketch will involve John McCain being waterboarded, then reminiscing in his prison cell moments later and noting “that wasn’t so bad… if America is ever attacked by terrorists that would be a humane way to get them to talk,” thus solidifying McCain’s about face on every issue that distinguished him from the sort of Genghis Khan Republicanism that is in fashion these days. The final scene will be a flash-forward, and will involve McCain accepting a the pen that Reagan used to pass his tax cuts that eliminated the deficit and cut the national debt by 99%. He will do so by kneeling and taking the pen in his teeth while Reagan, with his pants dropped, squeezes it between his butt cheeks. McCain will then hold the pen aloft for teh crowd to see and will proclaim “with this pen I will eliminate the IRS and instead make it so that the government gives everyone in America $10,000 every year for ever. We shall fund all government operations through a modest 5% sales tax on bird seed.” And then McCain will go on to win the presidency.
Johnny Zhivago: It’s funny that America managed to sell Budweiser to the Belgians, though. The Belgians make some of the finest beers in the world. Did they want to muscle in on the horse-piss market as well?
Hm, you might’ve invented a new drink: Werther’s and Bud Lite…together.
Godless Liberal *:
My exact thoughts.
I can’t wait for McInsane’s massive stroke in October.
Serolf Divad:
when the bombs start to fall on your house, you’ll regret
your snarky comments…commie bastard.
You had me at “a massive, delirious crowd of attractive young supporters”.
Bomb, bomb, bomb. Bomb, bomb Minneapolis… Nope, doesn’t quite cut it. Better bomb Iran instead - it’s more lyrical.
TGY: Werther’s and Bud Lite is the new Coke and Mentos.
Serolf Divad: I’m only going if they do the re-enactment in interpretive dance.
By the way, I think it’s highly inappropriate and offensive to have to begin a Monday morning by seeing the McCain grimace — against the electric green backdrop, no less. There’s not enough coffee in the world. . .
wheelie:
It was funny how they reassured the Bud loyalists ( TruckNutz ) that the brewing recipe will not be altered, but also stated that AB has been losing ground to smaller breweries.
Happy Bastille Day to my French friends!
Mr-Clark: Not so glum, now. I’ve seen BHO give an entire policy talk on urban economic revitalization in mushmouth.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HTE0MjNLUQs
wheelie: Scoff at yella beer all you want, but the American Budweiser is the No. 1-selling beer in the world. What are the sales figures on all that cloudy, black-current-flavored, 10-percent-alcohol, Belgian wheat swill? As every right-thinking American bitter knows, the bottom line is the ONLY bottom line that matters. USA! USA! USA!
The Twin Cities has sizable Hmong and Vietnamese communities. His bullhorn moment could be riding down University Avenue on a flatbed truck, calling out the gooks* and denouncing the punk grub in all the Vietnamese restaurants.
*his word
knock the hard candies all you want, but we all know the werther’s soft candies get stuck in your teeth and are a pain in the (dentured) ass
This Denver bash is the product of political smartitude.
Had Hopey given his acceptence speech before 20 thousand - half of them Hillary’s Bitters - the response would have been somewhat tepid, because half of those present would have produced either golf claps, or sat on their hands. TV viewers would have been underwhelmed by the display.
However, by submerging the 10 thousand Hillary Bitters in a crowd of nearly 80 thousand, the orgasmic reception to Hopey’s speech will all but drown out the Bitters. TV viewers will see a rapturous response from the assembled masses and think: “Damn, that boy must have something going for him. Just look at all those people achieving simultaneous orgasm!”
It won’t sway the Bitters or the McCainiacs, but for the undecideds out there, this piece of political theatre will tip the scales with symbolism that McCain cannot hope to match.
And if they’re really smart, Hopey’s crew will have jumbotron vid-clips from Springsteen, Mellencamp, Dylan, Roger Waters, George Clooney and all the other cultural icons who have endorsed, advocating on Hopey’s behalf. At the end of the exercise, viewers will ask themselves: “Is there a single important cultural figure who doesn’t support Obama?” [Elton John will not be missed.]
As for me, if I play my cards right, on that happy day I’ll be plying Anabellum with highly potent Canadian beer. That naughty little minx needs to learn about highly potent Canadian men, and beer seems to be just the educational ticket.
wheelie: Horse piss sells really well.
Let’s have the GOP counter-demonstrators meet at the CO Applebee’s Salad Bar.
eyesfriedopen: Or Skittlebrau…
trai_dep: Get your bad chain restaurants right…Applebee’s-No Salad Bar, Ruby Tuesday-Salad Bar…
From the comments on Ken’s Web site:
To Ken Layne6:35AMJul 14th 2008
Ken Layne,
How did you ever become a managing editor? You are one of the most despicable reporters I have ever seen! You are a disgrace to journalism, and you should be reprimanded/terminated for writing an article that is so bigoted!
Your obsession with Obama is so outrageous, that even if it would boomerang back and hit you between the eyes, you would still deny the obvious reality that he is the biggest crook to ever run for president!
Why can’t you see the damage you are causing? Please stop writing such garbage and try to be earnest in the future, if possible.
Wow, it’s a jungle out there! Don’t cheat on us, Ken. Stay here inside the box where it’s safe and warm.
V572625694: You are a disgrace to journalism, and you should be reprimanded/terminated for writing an article that is so bigoted!
Don’t step on the toes of Werther’s lovers.
I have it on good authority that McCain is going to move the convention to the Minneapolis/St. Paul airport men’s room, where a coiffed GOP TV host working in the stylings of Monte Hall will lead the delegates and the live audience in a Let’s Make a Deal style nomination process.
Seriously, Wonkette is going to have a desk outside of the airport men’s room, right?
RuperttheBear: THAT’S funny!
Sincerely and respectfully,
Mr-Clark