Wonkette
Mike Huckabee appeared on Hannity & Colmes last night to weigh in on Barack Obama’s complete move to the center in the last few weeks. Now, we made up our minds about this slimeball Obama after Charles Krauthammer observantly noted that Obama “assiduously obliterates all differences with McCain on national security and social issues” in his positioning these days. If one thing is true in this life, it’s that Charles Krauthammer HAS THE MIND OF TWENTY EINSTEINS. And yet here comes Mike Huckabee, offering yet another take on Obama’s all-encompassing triangulation. Huckabee says everything we’ve always thought but never quite realized: Barack Obama — to his detriment — is becoming less and less like Jesse Helms every single day.
Here’s what Our Mike told the Fox News people:
Well, Americans have consistently rejected the George McGoverns and the Michael Dukakises, the people who clearly and unapologetically are out there on the left — the Walter Mondales who said, I’m going to raise your taxes.
So when liberals are honest about being liberals, they get beat. I think it’s a situation — you know, you had the little clip of Jesse Helms at the opening of the show, and I’m thinking, what a contrast. The thing that many of us loved and admired about Jesse Helms was that, here was a guy, he didn’t care what you thought about his view, but you were going to always know where he stood because he stood for something and he stood clearly.
I think we’re not seeing that in Barack Obama especially in relationship — to his position on the war.
Spot on. If Barack Obama had the courage to tap into his Inner Helms, you know what he’d do? He’d drop out of this race immediately, because he has no business taking a white man’s job.
Huckabee Faults Obama For Not Having The Convictions Of Segregationist Jesse Helms [Think Progress]
Another big difference: Jesse Helms is dead.
Minutes after this photo was shot, Huck’s sons is the dog tortured and hung the family pooch…
I think he meant Jesse McCartney. That would make more sense.
Yes, why won’t Barry stand clearly for segregated busses like that dead bastard?!!!
Thanks Mike…but when I want diarrhea I’ll squeeze YOUR FAT GOMER HEAD.
The thing that many of us loved and admired about Jesse Helms was that, here was a guy, he didn’t care what you thought about his view, but you were going to always know where he stood because he stood for something and he stood clearly.
So what? Seriously, so the fuck what? I always knew what my asshole racist neighbor thought about every issue, too–didn’t mean he wasn’t an asshole racist. Seriously, I’m getting completely tired of the “you always knew where he stood,” or “he fought for what he believed” cliches being taken as good unto themselves. Yeah, but WHAT did he fight for? What did he stand for? A bunch of bullshit racist policies. Argh!
Mike, let it go. The VP race is down to Mittens and Darkie Jeebus Freak Jindal, and everyone would like you to go away now. I’m sure there’s a razorback in Arkansas that you can consume whole or something.
Actually the only thing that many of us love and admire about Jesse Helms is that he is now dead.
Dave J.: The thing that many of us loved and admired about Jesse Helms was that, here was a guy, he didn’t care what you thought about his view, but you were going to always know where he stood because he stood for something and he stood clearly.
Oh yeah…and that’s what we love and admire about our Commander & Chief Asshole too.
Man they SOO wish Barry was a Dukakisass or Mc(failed in a time of need)Govern.
Dave J.: Amen. I mean, we know what Bush stands for, right? It’s not like he’s wavered from his position all these lonely frightening years. And this is supposed to be admirable? I’ll take pliable, flip-flopping sexy Barry any day thanks.
johnbpt: he’s a good republican (racist, sexist, homophobe, shitbag, etc.) now! would that many more of his right-wing brethren follow his example and just keel over dead …
Say what you will about Jesse Helms, but at least was an inflexible racist who lacked nuance or any capacity for compassion.
Dave J.:
Easy Dave. He’s just an ex-fat man from a moronic christianist sect, treading water for his last 15 seconds of fame. Blink, and he’ll disapear before you know it.
Huckabee? Hucka-has-been, more like it…..
Holy Jeebus! It looks like the Huckabee family has been going to too many G8 conferences. Whoa Nellie!
That is most insulting and bullshit analogy. “He hated the nigras but at least he told ya he hated the nigras-so he’s good people.” Soooooo glad this bible thumping waterhead is out of the race. Can’t imagine the amount of bile and sludge we’d be wading in if he was running against Obama.
Hey Huckabee, your sons look like retarded circus freaks.
Now that I’m clearly understood do you love me?
You know who also stood for something? Hitler. Does that make Mike Huckabee Hitler? No. Actually, maybe. Actually, yes!!
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: never trust the word of a man who dresses like his sons.
Great Sacred Jeebus! It looks like the Huckabees have been going to too many G8
conferences! Whoa Nellie!
Myth Buster #9:
Vertical lines are slimming.
Jeebus, how’d you like to see that clan walking up to your all-you-can-eat buffet? “Holy shit! Drop the fryers and bring out the rest of the grits! Hostess- put these two chairs side-by-side for the ‘little’ misses and bring lard ass around to the loading dock.”
Oh yes! Congratulations are in order. We have passed Jeremiah Wright as traitor on the douche bag patriot and traitor site. Well done.
I wish Huckleberry was the nominee. We could have this much fun all the time.
Oh, and I am clear in my belief of that and have never wavered, thus making myself an excellent presidential candidate.
I’ve flip-flopped on the racism stuff though, so I might have a hard time sealing the nomination: I used to hate Asians, but I tolerate them now.
I think it’s a tossup between the above photo and the Santorum concession speech photo in the race for “photo of the most clearly fucked up GOP family.”
Mike Huckabee can tonguejack my shitbox.
Baron von Klownfapper ends his latest piece with the words, “I have no idea.” At last, we can agree.
loquaciousmusic: Don’t talk about my car that way.
Dave J.: The photo of Santorum’s daughter crying brings a smile to my face every time.
Yeah, it’s too bad Barry doesn’t have the courage of Senator Helms’ water-cannons-and-German-shepherd convictions. Then again, Obama has to play to an entire country and not just one inbred, ignorant, racist, medieval, cousin-f*cking, corn-fed, farmer-tanned, burlap-wearing, tobacco-spittin’, toothless, wipe-your-ass-with-your-hand demographic slice thereof. Pity we can’t all have such strong stances, isn’t it?
columnv: Mittens would be the MOST fun, by far. And WALNUTS has been pretty entertaining. At least for a dead guy.
Krauthammer might have the mind of 20 Einsteins…but all the brainpower in the world still can’t get nerve impulses to his legs.
A big day for team doughy pantload!
Near! I think he said the new sheriff is near!
Someone needs to start a rumor about Jesse Helms that likens him to the cockhead he was.
Dear Wonkette,
I apologize in advance for the lack of snark. You seem to have a bit of defective html in your Magic 8-ball of health:
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When the page renders, the ” width=”1″ height=”1″ alt=”" /> is displayed as text, which I assume is not intentional. Perhaps it is time to ask your webdev team to cut back on their eight-ball a day until after all edits are done.
shortsshortsshorts: …and then they can post it to the Political Machine?
shortsshortsshorts: You do drive a Jetta. Freakin’ elitist.
Jesse Helms deserves a fitting memorial for his gravesite. Considering the amount of time he spent attacking the arts and the amount of time he wasted on Serrano’s “Piss Christ”, I think he deserves a reproduction of Marcel Duchamps “Fountain”. Think of the number of visitors his grave site would receive! Think of how much the cemetary would save on water.
Huckabee wants Obama to be more like Jesse Helms because he wants Obama dead. Dead like Jesse Helms.
is that a picture of Huckabees house in the background…or just where he and his family take a shit?…
ok….thats a little over the top..i admit it..
i have a lot worse things i could say, but i figure if i get banned from wonkette what other options do i have?…
a death march to washington in a pink tutu?….
throwing flaming bags of poo at the RUINS of the Texas Governors Mansion?….
eating beet root foam mixed with Lone Star till red stuff comes out of my nose ?….
im sorry, i apologize…it wont happen again…i swear…
I think what Huckabee is saying is that if Obama wants to win, he should run on a campaign of keeping the black man down. Like he could run a commercial with a pair of white hands crumpling a piece of paper with a voice intoning how “You needed that job, but they had to give it to a minority.”
Many moons ago I was up on Capital Hill with a group of earnest volunteers who were lobbying on behalf of gays in the military. We were wandering around the Senate building looking for I cannot even remember now when suddenly, I felt a cold chill behind me. The hairs on the back of my neck stood on end, and I had a sudden sense that I was in the presence of E-VIL. I spun around to catch the axe murderer creeping up on me, and what should I see, but the door of the Jesse Helms senatorial offices. I know, it sounds completely crazy. I’m not usually one for mystical hoo ha of any kind, but there was evil in that there hall.
So then my grandfather, God bless him he’s a righteous dude, retired Naval officer and veteran of a couple of wars, marches in to Jesse Helms’s office right up to the smiling receptionist and proceeds to give her our materials and our long speech about how it is wrong to discriminate against people due to sexual orientation. I will say this, her smile stayed frozen in place and she was unfailingly polite (although her eyes said No! No! No!), although we could hear the thunk of our materials hitting the bottom of the waste basket as we walked out.
My point is darnit, Huckabee is right. Why can’t Barack Obama create an official vortex of evil in his Senate offices? I mean shoot, I bet his office staff is not only NOT bigots, I bet they RECYCLE!
Now, wait a minute. Huck is one hunnert percent kee-rect. I mean, look at Huck hisself. Here is a guy, he doesn’t care what you think about his view, but you are going to always know where he stands because he stands for something and he stands clearly. And, like Jesse Fucking Helms, Huck ain’t never gonna be no President of no Yoo-nited States.
Dave J.: A-fucking-men. That mentality bothers the fuck out of me. People saying “I would never vote for Obama, because I don’t know where he stands”. Well, shit. You know where McCain stands, and it sucks. Where he stands just straight fucking sucks. I’d rather take my chances and hope that Hopey stands in some better place than rely on a sure bet with McCain’s shitty standing spot.
This isn’t fucking rocket science, geniuses.
Q2: Say again? Your post came out blank at this end.
wheelie: I was trying to post an image bro…but the WordPress application ate the image src reference.
In case my Wonkette brethren and sistren haven’t made it clear: Hey Huckabee - eat a bag of pustule-laden, AIDS-infected, shit-covered dicks.
Advocatus_Diaboli: YES. EXACTLY. It must always come back to dick-eating…
Except that Nixon was a bit more popular than our current Dear Leader. Even after the resignation.
Advocatus_Diaboli: Can’t we have ONE post that doesn’t involve Larry Craig???!!!!
those are some real snappy outfits they are wearing. Are they trying out for some kind of christian boy band?
scott_dog: Can’t we have ONE post that doesn’t involve Larry Craig???!!!!
You would deny knob-gobbling to our leaders?
(shudder)
Twenty Einsteins? More like One Thousand William Kristols.
populucious: i don’t completely follow you, but if your organisation sports nice muzz-staches, i’ll sign up.
Advocatus_Diaboli: Oh, and tounge-jack my browneye, or something like that.
Take heart, dear ones. Jesse is now listening to an eternal loop of Maya Angelou poetry in his own private hell.
jesse helms…an exception to the rule: don’t speak ill of the dead.
that fat, cock-sucking racist lived too long. way too long.
thanks for nothing, god.
amen.
Something named “Krauthammer” plays in a nightclub in Munich.
Well as far as knob gobbling goes, once one Republican begins knob gobbling the decayed, diseased, rotting knob of Jesse Helms, the rest have to do the same but with greater gusto and more spit and more noise. Erego, Mike Huckabee. Knob gobbling champion to beat Hannity, the trolls at the National Review, our dear boy leader, Liddy Dole (knob gobbler extraordinaire).
Did Barry learn nothing from his racist white grandmother?
The Station Manager:
I don’t know where Obama stands on issues = I’m voting for the white guy.
Obama doesn’t have enough experience = I’m voting for the white guy.
Obama should be more like Jesse Helms (when he was alive) = I am an asshole from Arkansas
I am the Liquor: Jim Lahey and HST references rolled in one? Love.
Mike Huckabee is obviously short of cash. He’s become a Fox News whore who will say anything on TV as long as he gets paid. He should go back to being a reverend (or minister, whatever.) It’s easier to scam a few bucks out of senior citizens’ Social Security checks the way Jerry Falwell did it than talking shit on Fox News. Drop dead, Huckz. You get more pathetic with every appearance.
“What I like about Clive
is he’s no longer alive.
There’s something to be said
for being dead.”
EnBuenOra: You win Wonkette.
Do we know where Robert E Lee stood on things? Man I’m a pussy for not just comparing Helms’ steadfastness to Hitler’s.
It’s easy to see where any member of the Huckabee family stands. What’s difficult is
not being sucked into their gravitational pull.
I bet the ground has been recovered from the site of that family photo.
Hooray For Anything: That is actually WALNUTS!’s new campaign ad - an arthritic, liver-spotted pair of blindingly white hands crumpling a piece of paper while a voice intones “I really need this job, but they are trying to give it to a minority.”
Wanna know where they stand, for reals?
Obama is running towards the center. McCain is running towards the door. Huckabee wants to keep his ass-hat in the ring for some totally unguessable reason. Like who could even imagine?
With Mel Gibson, you “know where he stands” and he “speaks his mind”.
So… Mad Max as the GOP running mate? McGrumpypants as The Ayotollah of Rock n Rollah?
in my fantasy life, obama becomes president and the first thing he does is
drops the entire Huckabee clan into Zimbabwe. Naked.
You know what I fucking LOVE? That so many people on the right are totally open about embracing and canonizing Jesse Helms. They are not even trying to hide the fact that their role models are evil racists. How delicious!
…so clearly we know where they stand.
I live on Capitol Hill, where all the flags are flying at half mast this week. It took me a minute to realize that we were actually mourning the death of decency in America…
Chuck Krauthammer is a bitter cripple
John McCain is a pus-ridden shitbag
Mike Huckabee is a ridiculous fartsack
His sons are morbidly obese barge-butts
Lanny Davis is a shit weasel
‘Nuff said
The reason why Mike Huckabee loves and admires me is because, in the great tradition of Mike Tyson, I fucked him til he loved me.
*nods at norbizness*
Dear Mike:
You are still, and will always be, my Doughy Pantload.
LILAS, Jesse
ronaldpagan: I just realized how pleasurable that feeling actually is and, you know what? I’ve decided I will not allow myself to feel guilty for enjoying it. My shrink is gonna be so proud of me…
Er, um, the dude in question is an ordained minister in a faith founded to defend slavery and Jim Crow. Who can blame him that he’s disappointed everyone isn’t on board the whole, White Power Forever train?
With the Republicans you not only know where they stand, but how wide.
I’m really sorry that Jesse Helms died. My wish is that the hateful old racist had lived long enough to see Barack Obama sworn in a Pres’dent of the You-nited States of ‘Merca. As it is, I’ll just have to be contented with the thought of him rolling over.
Or maybe old Jesse will get to watch the whole thing from whatever afterlife he’s in (do they have HDTV in hell?). Jesse and Strom and and all those other Ku Kluxers will see their dearest hopes — keeping America for the white people — destroyed forever. While, in some other part of the next world, Douglass and Lincoln and MLK and RFK and (yes, indeed) LBJ are having the last laugh.
Even if you can get past the fact that Jesse Helms was an infected boil on the ass of America, what Huckabee is saying is that Democrats can’t win when they’re honest, but Obama is being dishonest so he might win. So it would be preferable if he were honest and lost. That’s one fucked up argument you doughy pantload.