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- JESSE HELMS: AMERICAN GARBAGE Read your editor’s obituary for Jesse Helms, and let’s all laugh together. [AOL Political Machine]
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Well said, Mr. Layne. Too bad the mainstream media will be full of tripe about his “iconic” conservatism.
President George Bush today said that Mr Helms was a “kind, decent, and humble man”. That guy never lies, in fairness.
Besides that, he was a heck of a guy!
Well said, Ken. I don’t think there will be many Russert-style tributes to this one.
[I could write this obit for the MSM in my sleep. So I think I will . . . .]
Jesse Alexander Helms, Jr., five-term United States Senator from North Carolina, and a member of the Republican Party and former chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, died today. He was 67.
Helms was one of the “Greatest Generation,” serving in the U.S. Navy throughout World War II. Before and after the war, Helms pursued a career in sports journalism, as did universally beloved former President Ronald Reagan.
Like Reagan, Helms felt the call of public service. Despite the demands of his rising career as the host of a pioneer radio commentator and journalist — in which role some compared Helms to a “Southern Edward R. Murrow” — Helms began working in politics. Interestingly, Helms, like Reagan, initially supported Democratic candidates.
Like Reagan, Helms, too, broke ranks with the Democratic party when the latter became entrapped in the social unrest, violence and drug culture of the early 1960s. For Helms, these were “black and white” issues that brooked no compromise. “The Black Prince was after the soul of this country,” Helms noted years later. “We could revert to the savagery of the jungle, or we could stand up against the Darkness.”
Helms was elected to the Senate for the first time in 1972. His campaign slogan - “Vote for Helms: He’s one of US!” — drove home the unifying, patriotic theme that was a hallmark of Helms’ subsequent political career.
As North Carolina’s Junior Senator, Helms gave critical support to his fellow former journalist colleague when Ronald Reagan ran for the Presidency in 1976 and 1980. Indeed, many observers felt that Helms’ support was a vital factor in Reagan’s win in 1980. Thus, many historicans believe that Helms is entitled to credit both for ending the doldrums of the “Carter Years,” and for the ultimate defeat of the Soviet Union that was the crowning achievement of what many now refer to as “The Golden Years of Reagan.”
Throughout his five Senate terms, Helms was a staunch supporter of his state’s agricultural industry; an unapologetic Christian moralist; and a widely publicized commentator on racial and civil rights issues.
Helms, however, had interests outside of politics. Members of the Senate remember fondly Helms’ love of karaoke, and ability to “light up” a room with a snatch of song. Indeed, Helms once light-heartedly enthralled a fellow Senator in an elevator by crooning the refrain from an old Southern ballade.
As Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, Helms brought years of experience and understanding to this nation’s foreign policies. Among other things, Helms was instrumental in stopping the spread of Communist totalitarism in Central America.
Helms left the Senate in 1992, declining to run for a six term. With five elected terms, Helms is the longest-serving Senator in the history of North Carolina. Significantly, his vacant seat was won by a fellow Republican, Elizabeth Dole.
Helms is survived by the people of North Carolina, and the United States of America - a nation whose values, principles and history he so aptly represented.
maialee: Oh, how wrong you are . . . .
Hear hear. Ashes to ashes, turd to the cesspool.
Sorry, make that “He was 87.”
My bad.
But then, “Editorial” is supposed to correct the “facts.” I’m only responsible for the “message.”
…in celebration of the passing of this epic racist, I will sleep with and impregnate as many white women as possible!
wheelie: Compared to most of W’s friends, Helms actually might not have been all that bad. Of course, that says more about the Friends Of George than it says about Helms.
I heard that Helms was “shocked” to arrive in Hell…
http://apocalyptickiwi.wordpress.com/2008/07/04/jesse-helms-shocked-to-arrive-in-hell/
but “According to Satan, the arrival of Helms has been expected, as he traded his soul for his Senate seat decades ago.”
Excuse me, I’m a little choked up right now. I think you brought a tear to my eye.
The slime trail leads to the river Styx. Hopefully the crossing was uneventful.
Neilist: Sersleh. Can’t we call a spade a fucking spade and say good riddance?
Oh those AOL comments are gonna be priceless.
Well said, Mr. Layne.
Best 4th of July present EVAR
Mr Layne, well played, sir!
Mr Neilist, subtle but right on the money.
Mr AOL commenter (”but but but don’t say mean things about dead people”), oh yes, that pig sure was some saint all right!
Perhaps it’s because of Jesse’s death that CNN decided that the day shall be “solumn” (which is how he would’ve written it):
http://kitsch-posh.com/2008/07/04/cnn-traditions-fun-and-solumn-mark-july-fourth/
He was the white Rev. Wright.
I’m surprised the AOL comments aren’t any nastier. There’s the requisite “Don’t speak ill of the dead” and of course, “Barack Obama is a racist COLORED, whaddaya say to that, college boy??” but they really seem to be halfhearted.
So yes, hooray, another bigot dies.
I never thought I’d say this but, you gotta feel bad for Satan right now.
Canmon (the Inadequate):
Um, no.
On one hand you have a guy who filibustered the Martin Luther King holiday, liked to talk about how he would whistle “Dixie” at Carol Mosely Braun (the first black woman senator), said the civil rights movement was full of “degenerates,” and vocally supported apartheid in South Africa as well as Pinochet in Chile and the murderous government of El Salvador. On the other hand you have a guy who gave an intemperate sermon.
A guy who served in the Marines, went to Vietnam, got trained in medicine, then spent 30 years doing community work as a pastor in a poor neighborhood has absolutely nothing in common with Jesse Helms, a mean-spirited, stupid, petty racist and bigot whose sole joy in life was wallowing in the power he could exert over others.
He was a curdled, withered, morally bankrupt Dickens villain of a man.
To use an aphorism from the AOL comment threads, I love all of you bleeding-heart socialist faggots.
Bleeding-heart Socialist Faggotry(TM) is the new punk. Capitalist Heterosexuality is for reactionaries and squares.
That column is no way to achieve entrance into our world-class punditocracy, Mr. Layne.
So I read the AOLers comments and I can’t help wondering, why is it the mother’s job to teach kids not to speak ill of the dead anyway? Is it because Dad’s run off to gleefully throw a sack of live rats at some monster’s funeral service?
Does he have an available widow?
AngryBlakGuy: …mission accomplished!
From the NYT obit:
“Mr. Helms welcomed teenagers. Even when lobbyists could not get in to see him, high school students could. His office once calculated that he had met with 170,000 teenagers in his 30 years in the Senate.”
North Carolina’s produced that many whites who can find Washington?
In fact, he met with so many high school students that his Secretary got tired of saying “Excuse me, young man, Mr. Foley’s office is in the other building.”
The ‘moral majority’ is thinning out like old hair..
Here’s some poignance for you: When I was a kid, I remember doing Mad Libs with a babysitter. I remember a color was called for and she said “colored”. This confused me being a dorky eight-year-old robot, so I asked her what she meant. She said, “Colored.. you know, like colored people”. I laughed and laughed imagining someone with blotches of the whole spectrum all over their body. Then she said, “like black people”. I was out of my eight-year-old mind at this point, which only led to more hilarity for me. “That’s what you call them?!” I giggled and laughed and found it so funny.
Here’s my tiny soapbox statement: Racism really is a learned behavior…
Thanks Ken, that was cool. I haven’t felt this full of joy and whimsy since that nasty pig Falwell dropped dead.
In fact, I’m reminded of what Hitchens said of Falwell, because I believe it applies here as well.
“If you gave him an enema you could bury him in a matchbox.”
AngryBlakGuy: It doesn’t count if you were by yourself.
(I keed, I keed.)
The page includes this gem of a sponsored link:
“Murder Yellow Teeth”
The Secrets Dentists don’t want you to know about Teeth Whitening!
What ads did they miss? Penis enlargement? Heart-healthy eating?
Adios, cunt.
I hate Helms just as much as the next guy. But that article was the epitome of hack journalism. Layne reads like a left-Wing O’Reilly.
So many graves, so little piss.
Great obit. THE END!
Hey look, a friend of mine snapped this pic of Jesse’s tombstone, that he bought before he died. See, Jesse was a visonary.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/abbyladybug/2093720370/
Adios, Mother fucker.
Black is the new President, bitch!
I don’t believe in the “afterlife”, but make an exception in HELL for this prick. Like we said in Detroit in ‘67, “burn motherfucker, burn”.
And this just in: John Adams and Tom Jefferson just moved their shared death days to July 3, retroactively.
Jesse’s picking up his gift bag in hell, right about now, I reckon. Included will be poems by Maya Angelou, novels of Toni Morrison, DVD of “Color Purple”, a pack of KOOLs, an eternal subscription to “O” and a bag of White Castle sliders.
Salut, Ken. Just think, yesterday, for Jesse Helms the clouds parted, he walked into the light, and a deep bass voice said, “Welcome to yo’ eternal reward, muthafukkah.”
Ken–
I’ve read thousands of essays (I know you can’t tell from my spelling–quiet down you lot!)–and this essay…well, I’ve never read anything that looked so much like a cheap shot, and yet contained nothing but the truth. Nicely done.
Sometimes ya gotta kick ‘em when they’re dead–if for no other reason than to make sure they STAY THE FUCK DOWN.
Can we drive a stake through his heart and bury his head at a crossroads–just to be sure?
Neilist: Anybody who says different is a liar.
Monsieur Grumpe: Piss? Fug that. Stop by the bait shop for some nightcrawlers.
Wow Ken,judging from the comments, you’ve made a lot of friends at AOL. Please sleep with a gun under your pillow. We don’t want to lose you to an angry yokel.
He was an asshat.
shortsshortsshorts: If there is a just God, his widow is currently being stuffed in all orifices by assorted minorities.
i’ll bet ol’ jesse could use some motherfuckin’ iced tea about now …
Has it been 24 hours? Good.
Helms was the epitome of hatred masquerading as “morality”. I’m so very, very glad he’s dead. All the bigots crying into their Old Crow can suck it.
Canmon (the Inadequate): Yeah, right. *rolls eyes*
I love how all the poor wittle white folks are crying “reverse racism” because one black guy said “God damn America”. Call me when you get dragged from the back of a truck for three miles for being white, assholes. Getting your pwecious little feelings bruised doesn’t equal the years of oppression and evil that the word “racism” signifies.
Seriously, go fuck yourselves.
Toodle-oo, Jessie Helms.
‘How much do I know
To talk out of turn
You might say that I’m young
You might say I’m unlearned
But there’s one thing I know
Though I’m younger than you
Even Jesus would never
Forgive what you do
Let me ask you one question
Is your money that good
Will it buy you forgiveness
Do you think that it could
I think you will find
When your death takes its toll
All the money you made
Will never buy back your soul
And I hope that you die
And your death’ll come soon
I will follow your casket
In the pale afternoon
And I’ll watch while you’re lowered
Down to your deathbed
And I’ll stand o’er your grave
‘Til I’m sure that you’re dead’
Makeithurt: White Castles are too good for Jesse…how bout some e.coli enriched jack in the box?
InsidiousTuna: Its not hard. Everyone can find I-95 (its one of the few roads that are paved), and from there you just follow it up through kindred virginia. Finding anything north of washington would be difficult, but don’t forget that southern va ain’t like leaving the homeland.
i really don’t like those AOL commenters. they are such mama’s boys.
shortsshortsshorts: jagorev: He is survived by his wife of 65 years, Dorothy.
She’s three years older than him. You sick freaks. ;D
In the final irony, it will probably be black men who dump the dirt on his grave. Let’s hope some of them take a dump in the hole before filling it in. The WSJ’s hagiography is really the best at glossing over all the nasty shit he did in his life. Plus, for the first time, they accuse Nixon of being a Commie symp and an appeaser. Nixon, no less.
I sure hope Jesse’s Heaven has a VIP area where no blacks are allowed, or else he might mistake it for Hell.
Billy Graham’s remarks:
http://religionblog.dallasnews.com/archives/2008/07/billy-graham-on-the-death-of-j.html
Good obituary, Ken! Someone needs to call Billy Graham and George W. Bush on their shit. Bush called Jesse an “unwavering champion of those struggling for liberty”, for serious.
Fucking cathartic, thank you for that.
Murph: “A patriot who fought for free people and free markets.” Sure, Billy.
I can’t bring myself to look at the WSJ obit. Has anyone else read it?
If Barack Obama says a single cordial word about this hateful motherfucker, I swear I will write in Hillary in November. Who’s with me?
ronaldpagan: I’ll vote Nader.
The Wall Street Journal reported that Mr. Helms referred to African-Americans by the catch-all term “Fred”, asking for example, “What does that Fred want?” or “What did this Fred say?”
http://www.boston.com/news/nation/articles/2008/07/05/jesse_helms_gop_icon_dead_at_86/?page=1
ronaldpagan: Fred? I personally would have used Leroy or Claudell…
ronaldpagan:
Interesting point… what should Barry say when he’s asked to comment on Helms?
“Pffft, whatevs. One less old cracker. He was a bitchmade gay-baiting segregationist and I don’t think anyone born after 1970 will miss his ass.”
@ Neilist: Brilliant.
On the average day, I read two and often three newspapers. I have now read three obits for this departed piece of shit and learned that he was a “staunch anti-Communist” and a conservative Democrat turned Republican.
Not once was it mentioned that he was a red-baiting, black-hating asshole. The lauditory plaudits from his fellow-travellers made it seem as though Jesse was just a God-fearing red-white&blue-blooded patriot whose every deed was motivated by concern for his nation. And, I guess it was, if you exclude from that nation any and all people of colour and teh gayz, and those whose religion deviated too far from Jesse’s own concepts.
Thanks, Ken, for some small measure of balance on the topic. It’s nowhere near enough, but we have to settle for whatever redress we can get, wherever it may be found. Even…. AOL?
I’m from NC… I have yet to figure out how he won a single election, because I have yet to meet a single person who saw Helms as anything other than a pathetic old man trying desperately to hold on to a social system (segregation) which has been recognized as outdated by everyone under the sun for the past 3 decades or so. He is the epitome of mid-life crisis, only with more power than the average sad old man who simply buys hair plugs and a cheap sports car and the desire to turn his inner hatred outward to a certain race instead of showing it by wasting his money on things which will only make his midlife crisis more obvious. He’s a disgrace and a shame to the state and everyone I have ever met agreed. (Though I try my hardest to stay out of the boonies and backwoods areas…) As for his death- ’bout damn time.
maialee: My editor told me I had “done a heck of a job” recently. I gave him a look and asked what I had done wrong. He gave me a blank look, so I said, “…. like Brownie.” He never did get it.
AngryBlakGuy: Fastest gun in the … uh, South?
Go git ‘em boah!
Carrie_Okie: Million Bleeding-heart Socialist Faggot March on Raleigh
it is then. Drink lots of water.
Jesse Helms represented the worst of the South in the 20th century. Thankfully, much of that region left behind Jesse’s vision of a perfect world. Bury the rotten old bastard, bury what he represented and what he fought for. It’s time for him and his world to be just an old section in the American history book that embarasses us and makes future generations wonder how the hell we could have ever been like that.
This has probably already been said but I can’t let this event go by without posting. In honor of the best idea ever expressed in song (Elvis Costello), somebody in Carolina make sure you go to his grave and “tramp the dirt down.”
That is, before you piss on it.
AngryBlakGuy: I’ll race you to 10. Loser buys the first round.
Great work, Ken. The cherry on top of my Jesse-Helms-is-dead-and-it’s-a-long-weekend-whoohoo sundae.
If only that would be read at his funeral…..by a trangendered black nurse who works at an abortion clinic.
Joey Ratz: The gang-bang is only a precursor to her sacrifice. So it’s perfectly humane.
I’m sorry. This is not related to anything, ever. (Extra points if you somehow relate it to the ongoing saga of Helms’ death!) But I felt I had to share it. You know. For America.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ur8AwQHusZw
InsidiousTuna: I heard that Jesse attended a grandchild’s bday party at said pizzeria and went ballastic screaming “Fuck that nword muppet, and fuck his nword music.” He then slumped down in a booth and masturbated on his cheese pizza while whistling Dixie.
Rev. Peter Lemonjello: That’ll do.
Other theories?
Ken Layne,
Man, I loved your take on the PM. I read all the linked source material as well. It was quite fascinating as people usually mellow with age and he just added to his long list of hateful acts.
Too bad, he was said to have had Dementia at his end. I think it takes balls to serve up the truth so unapologetically. Great work! It was abrupt and refreshing at the same time.
Sincerely and respectfully,
Mr-Clark
ronaldpagan: Better dead than Fred.
InsidiousTuna: Tuna: To me, that performance proves, once again, that you can never really understand a song until you see/hear the artist perform it live.
Thanks.
Helms: decent, humble guy as was each member of the Waffen SS.
Ken,
Nicely done.
Journos like you, are obligated to expose those evil, vile creatures who seek to perpetuate their hatred and intolerance in this world.
Jesse Helms was best suited to champion the causes of Nazi Germany of the ’30s and ’40s rather than to represent democracy in the United States. He never knew the meaning of democracy.
Unfortunately, neither do many politicians and ‘hard-working Americans.’
Thanks Ken.
Whoever said there will be no tributes to this freakazoid - wrong. You forget how sick the American right is today: the fucktards at National Review Online are already orgasming and circle-jerking over this nasty little taint stain of a walking cyst.
Giants just killed dodgers 5-2, and I was there. HAHA! Fuck you LA!
@shorts:
Sorry. Fuck you Helms.
Neilist: You neglected to mention that Jesse enjoyed goat cock “al fresco”. So wordly wise.
re: What Barry should say vis a vis Helms’ death: Doesn’t matter. Barry probably will say something obsequiously polite, because that’s Barry’s style. If you all really want to bury the spirit of Jesse Helms, along with his now irrelevant corpse, you will work your asses off between now and November to get Barry elected, no matter what kind of weaselly politician things he says.
You know, just because he’s black.
gurukalehuru: You were born out of your mother’s asshole. You have no redeeming qualities at all. None. You stem from the burning bush; not the one that brought Moses his MAGICAL POWERS, but the one that spews poop all over the unlucky audience. This is a time to bash a bigot-fuck who enjoyed the taste of teh non-whites.
No Barry allowed.
shortsshortsshorts: RACIST
I hope Jesse Helms’ personal hell is that he has to shine Martin Luther King’s shoes on bended knee 24/7 while singing “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot.”
I’m tearing up over all of these touching tributes to that foul turd of a man from all of you bleeding heart, socialist faggots. Let’s go hug trees!
Speaking of shit, I hope that the racist fucks inclined to put flowers on Jesse’s grave wind up with feet full of shit. I want his grave to become a bleedingheartsocialistfaggot tourist attraction for the purpose of pooping. I want it to be such a popular activity that people sell commenorative t-shirts. May his grave be covered in pinko poo, forever.
Geez, Layne, don’t hold back. Say what you really mean about the guy, man.
I’m just bummed he was never got in a three-way tryst with Mitch McConnell and Ted Stevens.
S.Luggo: Perhaps I should have made the “staunch supporter of his state”s agricultural industry” a bit more specific?
“Helms also was a seminal supporter of experiments in human/ruminant interfacing, hosting piercing probes into the warmer issue areas of the field.”
[In my sleep. I can write this kind of thing in my sleep.]
http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9B06E3D6153BF935A15750C0A9649C8B63
no matter what Obama says or doesn’t say about Helms,
the RNC and the MSM will bash him for it
wallythepug: Even better - the Camptown Ladies:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=9gj9uEeuDtQ
Hmm Cobb Bolker = Ken Layne?? (from the AOL comments):
Cobb Bolker10:15AMJul 5th 2008
THIS DEATH OF JESSIE HELMS IS VARY SUSPISHIOUS EVERYBODY KNOWS HELMS STOOD FOR THE AMERECAN WAY AND WOUD HAVE PULLED OUT ALL THE STOPS TO KEEP OBBOMA AND FATHER WRITE OUT OF THE WHITE HOUSE THATS WHY THE LIBDONKS WERE AFRAID OF HIM!!! IS THAT WHY THAY NEEDED HIM OUT OF HIS WAY? SOMEONE NEEDS TO LOOK INTO OBBOMAS TIES TO THE TALLEBAN AND HIS TIES TO THE SOVIETS AND HIS TIES TO THE MOSAD AND THE UN THEIR WHERE TO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD WHO WANT JESSIE HELMS DEAD AND THAT HE DIED ON AMERECAS BIRTHDAY IS NOT A COINCEDENCE1 WAKE UP PEOPLE!
Someday I am going to start a blog consisting of nothing but reposting comments that contain the words “WAKE UP PEOPLE!”.