Wonkette
Republican Senator Larry Craig can’t walk past a public restroom without rushing in and offering to suck everybody’s cock. Republican Senator David Vitter spends all his time and money fucking hookers while shitting in his Depends. Imagine what these creeps might do if homosexual couples got married!
We ignored this yesterday because your Sara K. Smith already posted it, last week. But what the hell, you all keep sending it to us, so we’ll post it again. SLOW NEWS MONTH.
And sometimes the news is Beyond Comedy. What can you really say about Larry Craig and David Vitter co-sponsoring a Senate bill to forever change the U.S. Constitution just to make sure some gay people don’t have a wedding?
What will these Moral Crusaders do next, criminalize prostitution and cruising bathrooms for blowjobs? Oh, wait ….
Sens. Larry Craig and David Vitter co-sponsor Marriage Protection Amendment [Page One Q]
They Blame Gay Marriage [Reason]
Look at it this way: Larry can get David into the mens room, and David can get Larry into diapers. Everybody wins!
Can we say entrapment?
Three Things Most Likely To Undermine The Institution of Marriage in America:
1) Gay marriage
2) Gay marriage
3) Gay marriage
Three Things You Can Do To Help Bolster the Institution of Marriage in America:
1) Fuck a whore
2) Fuck a stranger in an airport lavatory
3) Call your wife a “cunt.”
Holy shit, this is like Hillary Clinton sponsoring a bill outlawing pantsuits! No, wait, this is actually worse!
Can’t we just outlaw marriage since it’s 1)a relic of agrarian society and 2)usually doesn’t fucking work out anyways? It would save everyone a lot of trouble.
Since the Republicans are the party of fiscal prudence and low taxation, why doesn’t Craig just suck Vitter right outta his diaper? Neither of them have to pay actual money for these consensual acts, thus saving taxpayers a small fortune.
But that would make them geyz, so I guess they’d have to keep their little deal a secret. Or the Log Cabin boyz would want some of that hot, hot mano a mano action too.
You guys gotta see these ads: http://patriotboy.blogspot.com/2008/06/two-great-men-stand-up-for-marriage.html
also, where the fck is newell? did he get a job at cnn? with their free sodomy post, it’s all adding up.
well, at least we’ve made it to july without an assassination
The 28th Gaymendment: Bros or Pros, American Menfolk - Time to be a Decider.
I would tell Larry Craig to go and eat a bag of dicks, but he’s already done that. And I might remind Diaper Shitter that the buxom blonde he picked up at Chris Owens’s club down on Bourbon Street may or may not have been packing some extra equipment. That’s all I’m saying.
Serolf Divad: Hate to nitpick, but you left out “Blow a black cop”
That’s not free sodomy I can believe in!
i now pronounce you…man and goat.
P.S. Ken Layne: I rather liked the “Toilet Queet” typo. When I first read it, I thought it said “Toilet Queef” which, unsurprisingly, I thought made perfect sense when describing old Wide Stance.
Rev. Peter Lemonjello: Jesus’ General used to be one of my heroes…..then I became embittered, lost hope, and came to wonkette forever.
Wonkette: Crack for the Terminally Cynical.
Look, they have to keep homo-ness marginalized, underground and supressed as much as they can. The more teh gayz are mainstreamed and “legitimized”, the harder guys like Craig have to work to score a down-low restroom hookup. They’re just trying to preserve the lifestyle.
SayItWithWookies: Look, if it’s free sodomy, how good can it be, really? You get what you pay for.
Since 50% of all marriages end in divorce, this bill is already 50% worthless.
There was once a young man from Council, Idaho
He learned from a young age how to blo
When he came across men, especially Ken
He fell into bed for sh’o
When he went to a school near his home
He learned to start roaming alone
And although he fancied his love
He thought Gawd had a cock from above
From thence he went onto the service
Where he perfected his practice of pervace
And for whoever he enlarged
Got him the “honorable discharge”
And into the senate quite nervous
“What if they find out my fate?”
“Will they want to masturbate?”
“Will they call me a queer? Or think I’m a steer?”
It drove him to marry a leer
So time went on
Elections were won
But forever He. Loves. Teh. Cock.
Slow news month??? How can that be? Teh Gays have been getting married in California for two weeks and it still hasn’t fallen into the ocean. It could happen ANY SECOND NOW!
Gopherit v2.0: You are 100% correct - Free Has No Value
The snark doesn’t do the justice though. No integrity on the part of either of these two, to come out (pun) with anti-gay legislation like this. They should be turned on spits and fed to gay tribespeople.
Here’s the text of the Amendment:
Section 2. Marriage in the United States shall consist only of the union of a man and a woman. Neither this Constitution, nor the constitution of any State, shall be construed to require that marriage or the legal incidents thereof be conferred upon any union other than the union of a man and a woman. However, nothing in this amendment shall be construed as prohibiting or infringing upon the right of any man to propose oral-genital contact with another man in an airport restroom, to pay a woman for sex, or to wear a diaper while in the process of engaging in paid sex. Any newspaper, TV station, radio station, internet website, or other medium of any kind reporting on such activities will be closed down and the persons responsible will be summarily shot.
These are the wholesome Christian values they learned as alter boys.
RaptorAvatar: Stop talking like a sensible Libertarian. Marriages create all kinds of economic activity from gift registries full of stuff that will never be used to divorce lawyers. Millions of people would be out of work and have to find something productive to do in the world if we didn’t have marriage. Everybody should get married at least 3 times in their life. It’s the American way.
…And with these two santorum-laden signatures, UnGay Marriage was Saved Forever.
MoodProcessor: Thanks for the vision of Larry Craig starring as the entree in, “The Cook, the Thief, His Wife, and her Lover.”
Vanity Smurf: But they have been struck by the mighty wildfires, proof that God’s trying to BURN OUT THE SIN! I still can’t figure out what the folks in Missouri did to deserve the flood, though. Break the sabbath? Masturbate? Fuck goats?
The mind boggles.
Cicada: The flood in Iowa was punishment for voting for Obama.
I attended a lovely ceremony between a man and a woman just last week–and it was the worst three hours of my entire year. We were directly in the sun, it was 105 and muggy (in Cali no less), and then we got to inside a nice air conditioned room–until the ceiling opened up as the bride and groom entered, and all the cool air went away!
And they say gays will ruin marriage. It’s the heat, stupid! Do something about that!
See, the fun is keeping your own kinkiness illegal. Where’s the rush in going into stall and boldly foot-tapping away, just knowing you could get caught any second, or it could be the biggest, hardest cock you’ve ever dreamed of, just ready for your mouth. Or slipping away from the little wifie to drive like mad to Motel X where that rent-a-bitch is waiting with those diapers and that X-large dildo for your ass! You want to keep the rush, you gotta raise the ante! Make it illegal for anyone except a square guy and round girl to pound the peg in! Oh yeah, baby. We are soooooo nasty….Of course, they co-sponsored this stupid bill. And probably came in their pants.
Cicada: They were probably playing cornhole.
Meh, Craig and Vitter just want all the gay hookers to themselves, not tied up in that stupid thing called marriage, which we all know is really just a buzz word for “I go to church on Sunday, look at my morals, they’re so shiny!”
Vanity Smurf:
Not to mention that you’d put the Wedding Singer and DJ segments out of business.
What are the weekend warrior rockstars and gonna do now?
With whom can they use their pleasing baritone voices?
Kids only get Bar/Bat-Mitzvah’ed once. They can get married as many times as they like.
Won’t someone for once just think about the Entertainment Industry?
What of the Sin of Onanism? Shall no one protect our families from that?
I actually thought they would pull a Jindal and falter at the last moment. But, no - these men are True American Heroez. Stay brave, Congressmen!
Jesus Fucksticks MacKenzie, Thuper Tuber. My mom’s, like pushing sixty, and she and her girlfriend have been together ten times longer than she was with my dad. Can they get married, pretty please? They’re just old ladies in muu muus down in Florida, they never meant no harm…
ColdCupofHope: … the ceiling opened up as the bride and groom entered …
Uh, just how big were they? By any chance, was this the 50 ft. Woman marrying the Amazing Colossal Man? I’d get out of the way when she throws the bouquet.
Who doesn’t love a good tuber.
…”and offering to suck everybody’s cock.” I was under the impression that it was Sen. Craig who wanted HIS Johnny Willey worshiped atop the porcelain throne and, frankly, that didn’t bother me so much. Now him wanting to bestow that deed upon someone else is just nasty.
To be fair, and as I understand the Senator’s position, he feels that legitimizing cock sucking through marriage would take all the fun out of it.
That said, is that a tuber in your pocket or…
edgydrifter: Srsly. I have a feeling that gay marriage ruins the romance of it all for Craig. If it’s legal, it’s not nearly as exciting.
A. The Amendment is unneeded. Next appeal, Tony “Hairy Boy” Scalia will make everything just right with his conclusion that none of the signers of the Constitution were romping faggots despite their frilly frilly wigs and never specifically endorsed hot manly love (except in legislative conference.)
B. Apart from that, Craig/Vitter bill is too narrow. It should allow lonely Republican career women like Carly Fiorina to marry their Bijon Frissee or else what are they left with except bitter memories? I say this with an open heart.
No matter, pussy Demrat libtards, your centerist candidate Barry O-Bill-Clinton will, in pursuit of the votes of the bitters, support this Amendment (or else say that it should left up to the sweet baby Jeebuz).
http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=20601087&sid=a4TbbVlw0jtM&refer=home
Obama Proposes Expanding Aid to Faith-Based Programs
“Who do I have to blow to get this bill passed? Form a line!
Hell, guys, who am I kidding… form a line even if you’re gonna vote against it.”
They’re hoping, of course, that the bill doesn’t STALL because of the WIDE range of STANCES in Congress.