Wonkette
As a presidential candidate, Mike Huckabee had no money, staff, or knowledge of foreign policy. He did have an economic policy, but it was the Fair Tax, that famously comical pyramid scheme. So how did he get the second most delegates? Metaphors. Extended metaphors. Millions of extended metaphors about key lime pie and yard work and skinning ducks, or other archetypal aspects of the Average American’s daily life. And now that he wants to be John McCain’s vice president, he has a new metaphor to explain the situation: he wants the football captain to ask him to prom, mostly because he wants to wear a pretty dress.
We all remember high school!
Huckabee suggested questions about whether he might join McCain on the ticket were premature. “You can’t accept an invitation to the prom until the football captain asks you. So I’m not going to go out and buy the outfit just yet,” said Huckabee, according to AFP.
Shit, he’s pregnant.
He isn’t pregnant yet, but he is going to fuck the gout out of McCain on the night of the convention.
No doubt it’ll be seersucker.
What an elitist homosexual! The captain of the baseball team isn’t good enough for Huckabee. No, he’ll only go to the prom with the football captain.
Ah, prom with the football captain. It starts with beer, it ends with date rape, and in between, sucking face during the slow dances. Sucking asymetric, mush-toothed, melanoma-scarred face.
He said he wouldn’t buy, but will he shop?
Where’s that invisible blow-job pic when you need it?
“Pick me, Johnny! Me! I’ll make you see Jaysus!”
Nikolai Vsevolodovich Stavrogin: I just threw up in my own mouth.
He may not have picked out an outfit but I bet he has written a note to Johnny and made Rudy pass it to him in study hall.
“Do you like me? YES NO MAYBE”
Unless that cute Negro that rakes the leaves on school grounds asks him to a cakewalk first.
whoever finds the prom night dumpster baby is going to be in for a rude surprise.
Nikolai Vsevolodovich Stavrogin: Oh look, my breakfast is back…
I saw an infomercial about 4 am this morning on how all kinds of men could easily extend their metaphors.
The highlight of Karaoke night at the Repub Convention will be Old Man and Skinny singing a duet of “Paradise by the Dashboard Light.”
…I can just picture WALNUTS! and Fuck-a-bee slow dancing cheek to chipmunk cheek!
Thanks, Jim. Now I have to go kill myself. I hope you’re happy.
“Captain of the football team?” That implies that McCain is actually popular. I think we’re talking more about a/v club or Math Geeks Anonymous here. In other words, Huck will get McCain to do his homework while he goes off and blows Obama.
He just knows that if he doesn’t get that job, the Huck’n'feed children will run out of food (I assume they’re almost done with those recently-released stray dogs by now). Those boys are frightening enough to make anyone want to go down on Walnuts!
They HUNGER…..hyuk hyuk
loudmouthredhead: He’s got his gig on Fox News to fall back on.
jagorev: I’ll take that as a compliment. Thanks!
Naked Bunny with a Whip: …don’t forget to take a few right-wingers with you! Remember going postal is fun!!!
Guppy06:
Considering Wally’s placement in like the bottom percentile of his class, he was no Mathlete. He’d be the guy huffing markers in the Art room while Huckleberry gets some punch.
Huckabee’s speech at 2008 GOP Convention = 10 minutes of George “Goober” Lindsey impersonations.
Prom dress, hell. Huck is more the Size 24 caftan bought off the clearance rack at Dress Barn-type.
Oh, wait, this all DOES make sense. The pock-marked ugly kid ends up with the pudgy, insecure chick. EXACTLY like high school!
http://www.leftybrown.com/prom-thumb.jpg
Ah, prom night: To be young, dumb, and full of cum.
Teh Huckz is like a second string cheerleader angling for the quarterback now in the hopes that it’ll make the noseguard jealous enough to invite her to the real dance in 2012.
If I were Huck, I’d wait and hope that cute manly cowboy, John Cornyn, might still be available– that is, unless he was already going with Jake Gyllenhall or somethin’ . . .
Yeah, Huck, you can’t go to the prom until the football captain asks you. ‘Cause Jeebus knows that football captains were the only guys at my prom.
Christ. They all look like WalMart managers.
EnBuenOra: I’m just waiting for Obama to step up to the podium at some rally and hand his maple whupping stick to a volunteer with the words, “Here, hold my metaphor.”
Mike Huckabee is WAY too likable to be VEEP. WALNUTS must continue down his path to failure in order to fulfill the prophesy of the black man.
queeraselvis v 2.0: I think you’re looking for a dashiki or a mumu.
Servo: …thats to generous! More like Wal-Mart GREETERS!
Hey, I’ve seen this movie. McAngry’s girlfriend Hillary has him ask Huckles to the prom. Huck gets all dolled up, probably in gingham, and when he shows up at the prom all the cool kids laugh at him. Huck gets superpowers (through prayer most likely) and wreaks horrible, bloody vengeance on the Republican party, and everyone dies a gruesome, painful death. The end.
Poor Huckster…..hoping to get asked to prom by the football captain but having to settle for the USFB in the dark room
from the class media geek.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080613/ap_on_en_tv/tv_huckabee_fox_news
let’s also not forge the creep factor as the age difference is sort of like your grandpa’s buddy asking to take you to your high school prom.
but at least it means he’s got a driver’s license.
They had five kids, two were eaten.
First of all this is the GOP in 2008 — less “high school” and more “alternative program for pedophiles, druggies and miscreants.” Clearly no room in that metaphor for a football team or a prom. Most likely, Mike meant to use the old saying from Arkansas:
“You should never use the boys’ bathroom in the gym unless you want the asshole-y son of the principal to pull you in and sodomize you. So I’m not going to go up there, shaking my ass past the door just yet,” said Huckabee, according to AFP.
AngryBlakGuy:
Most of the greeters I see look like trolls or a toothless Geddy Lee…and they’re women.
The only way the fat girl gets to go the prom is if she agrees to man the refreshment table (and give blow jobs in the boys’ room). Lose all the weight you want, Hucky. You will always be the fat girl.
He’s starved himself to fit in that dress. He deserves it.
I bet John McCain’s motorcade will slowly pull up to Huck’s house on inauguration day, rolls down the windows and hurl eggs at the poor guy while he’s standing on the porch. WALNUTS! screams “CUNT” and then peels out with the audible laughter of Mittens inside.
Obvs, Huck went to the Dan Rather School of Communication.
I always thought their type spent prom night at the carnival or Monster Truck Rally, amusing themselves by discovering the many alternative uses for corndogs.
When you are that fat, wearing vertical stripes only makes you look like an optical illusion.
I gotta say the best looking one of that Huckabee family is the dog. Man, dems sum Crisco lovin’ piggies, ain’t they? (That was so mean, I’m sorry)
What? All these posts and no one noticed the Blue-Lite special - Buy 3 Mr. Huckabee Shirts, get 2 Mrs. Huckabee shirts for free. (Layaway available…)
if he’s pregnant does that mean he’s fat again?
i heart fat huckabeez
So let me get this straight (so to speak), Lane Bryant is the new Vera Wang? I am confused. Also…I said “wang”…heh…heh heh.
Captain of the football team? More like the head of the A/V squad
Count Snarkula: Heh Heh…Heh *snort*
For the Huckabees, Eureka! is the new Vera Wang:
http://www.eurekatent.com/
loudmouthredhead: Omar the tent-maker joke. Classic! I was going to do a riff on “bigger than Lulu on HeeHaw” but I wasn’t sure if the Jezebels would whack me or not.
Count Snarkula: A bit before my time, but is this who you mean?
http://media.knoxnews.com/kns/content/img/photos/2008/02/02/0202lulu1_t220.jpg
I think if she and the Huck boys ever got close to each other, they’d create some gravitational implosion and consume the sum of creation. Let’s make sure THAT doesn’t happen…
Who said Huckabee was a homophobe!
Yeah, that’s her alright. Unless the Huck boys are really, really, really talented with the Ouija board, no chance of them gettin’ jiggy with Lulu. She made the trip upstairs a few years ago to help Mama Cass finish that ham sandwich.
As long as he remembers to wear a dress that accentuates his man cleavage and makeup that hides the fact that he looks like he should be managing a construction rental place on a state highway somewhere, he should be fine.
Does this mean WALNUTS! gets two fingers in front and one in back?
And Huckbeez gets the dirty Sanchez!