Wonkette
Arkansas, our greatest state, has produced our nation’s favorite fat politicians (Mike Huckabee and Bill Clinton) while not really being part of Western Civilization. Proof? Mayor James Valley, “of Helena-West Helena,” just shut down his town’s animal shelter and set all the dogs loose in St. Francis National Forest.
There were complaints about the impoverished town’s shitty dog shelter, which was apparently just some fencing around a slab of asphalt in the garbage truck’s parking lot. Instead of constructing a functional animal facility or contracting out to a local dog kennel or, you know, something sane, Mayor Valley bravely decided “the dogs would be better off fending for themselves in the St. Francis National Forest.”
So last week, he ordered the curs to be fed and watered and then dumped in the neighboring forest, which is federal land preserved for forestry resources and not really where you can dump unwanted dogs, because of federal law and common sense.
Oh, but first the wacky mayor had three of the dogs killed, by a vet. Because why not, right?
Asked by a local reporter why the city had engaged in such cruel, criminal behavior, the idiot mayor said, “”Pardon the pun but it was just something that was dogging us.”
U.S. Forest Service officials in Washington said Mayor Valley would be captured, tortured and then fed to bears.
Arkansas city releases shelter dogs into national forest [The Daily World]
Mayor James Valley’s blog [Warning so filled with dumb shit it will crash your browser]
Who let the dogs out! Who… who… whoo!
At any rate, let me be the first to point out that when a pack of ravenous wild dogs eats a pair of campers (a young, teenage couple engaged in steamy sex like in a slasher movie, preferably) this mayor’s career is basically over.
Michael Vick has a vacation home in Helena-West Helena, so it can’t be that ba—oh…
Serolf Divad: There’s nothing more to add to this, really.
You know, I read some blog post somewhere yesterday about pressurising and heating dead animals to create oil. I vote Mayor James first into the hopper. Only after mauled by feral dogs.
Shouldn’t he be tranquilized, tagged, and set free? Then we could track him to where the other dumbfuck rednecks live and get them all at once right? We could make the world a better place for all of us, not to mention the dogs.
Who does he think he is? Someone should at least neuter him…GRRR.
Oh my God, how fucking awful. It reminds me of this. (Sorry, all I could find was an audio link.)
…and just in time for rabies season.
Meh. National Forests in Arkansas suck anyway… why not infest them with the RABIES and the DIABEETUS?
Of course, Huckabee’s son has shot and eaten half of them by now.
I wonder if he has any connection to Mike Huckabee’s son. Maybe that’s just what you do in Arkansas.
PS: Your link to Mayor McPuppykiller’s blog just takes us to the Daily World link. Please fix it so that we may get inside his sick mind.
I bet they were actually set free for predation by the Huckabee children…That should feed the boys for, what…1-2 days?
He wants the Feds to deal with this problem for him, but…. when they start interferin’ and enforcin’ those durn “laws” of theirs [insert applicable law: Civil Rights Act, Voting Rights Act, First Amendment, etc etc etc], well, then the gummint needs to stay out of his bidness.
John McCain, I won’t let you release my baby into the the St. Francis National Forest!
What do we expect? Helena-West Helena. What sort of retarded-ass name for a city is that?!? Is it Helena or West Helena, goddamit! Was this done just to fuck with people asking directions?
ronaldpagan: If his blog is filled with as much stupid as was his decision to release these dogs, I’m not sure my brain can handle reading it. At least not without a healthy supply of Vicodin.
The McCain campaign just added another potential running mate to the list. With a mind like his, he’ll be a great successor to Dick Cheney — if he doesn’t keep thinking small, that is.
And yet, if we put this stupid fuck down, it would be called murder. What the hell is up with that?
Serolf Divad: So awesome. You’ll always have a star in my book.
And from his blog, Mayor Valley’s contact information:
“You can reach me at City Hall, 98 Plaza Street, (72390); (870)572-3421 Telephone (870)572-5034 Facsimile (870)817-4035 Cellular Phone. Our mailing address is P O Box 248, Helena-West Helena, AR (72342).”
What a douche nozzle.
Ken, the link to the mayor’s blog is the same as the news story. I’m anxious to hear the story straight from the horse’s (dawg’s?) mouth.
Helter Shelter.
Lookie here:http://jfvalley.blogspot.com/
Here it is: http://jfvalley.blogspot.com/
and Wonkette wasn’t kidding when they said it was “so filled with dumb shit it will crash your browser”
El Bombastico: That’s a Southern thing that loosely translates to: White Folks Live Here — Black Folks Live Here. See also “Fractious community.”
…geez what a dumb azz! Does he have any idea how much money he can get for fresh dog-meat once the economy hits rock bottom!?
From the website of his legal practice, here is the list of personal injury cases he’s willing to take on:
Car and truck accidents
Wrongful Death
Bodily injury
18 – wheeler
Dog Bites
Boat and jet ski accidents
Nursing home negligence
On-the-job injuries
Airplane accidents
Motorcycle
Defective products
Slip and fall
Unsafe buildings
I think #5 on the list speaks for itself.
I think this is the blog referred to: http://jfvalley.blogspot.com/
It has lots of city staff meeting notes. Some staff concerns listed:
Parks department: Red truck smoking and A/C not working.
Water utilities: DOGS/METER READERS. TWO BAD DOGS 313 SOUTH FIFTH
So I guess he didn’t solve the dog problem to the satisfaction of the meter readers.
The guy is obviously from Helena. Nobody from West Helena would do this.
Screw all this. Doggies love the woods. It’s where they prefer to shit.
He only did this so that another generation of black comedians will have jokes about how stupid white people are for buying dogs at pet stores, while black families merely “find them.”
ronaldpagan: Whoops, fixed now. BEWARE.
This guy would be so much cooler if his name was James Bond.
“I’m Bond, James Bond, Mayor of Helena-West Helena. I like my puppies shaken, not stirred.”
So where does this put the mayor of Helena-West Helena in relation to that Kwame dude from Detroit on the list of Americas Absolute Best Mayors?
Word of the Day: Shithead!
I suggest someone send the Mayor an announcement for his blog regarding an upcoming sale of Truck Nutz to support the ASCPA at the local VFW hall.
Wow, we got this far in the comments without anyone making a Robert Johnson / “Hellhound on My Trail” reference about a dog story originating in Helena-West Helena? Oh, wait, this is the political-geek blog, not the music-geek blog… My apologies.
I give the good mayor three whore diamonds and two truck nutz
The first five dogs to make it back to town get to be on county commission for a day. Or at least that’s how I hear they do it in Muslim countries.
Chuck Fildren: I give him four Disfigured Ex-wife Diamonds and a massive set of truck nutz. It really takes that much callousness and ballsiness, even in the face of being an idiot, to do something like this.
There has got to be a plot for a Disney movie in all of this.
rednecks gotta eat. who is the mayor to deny them their roadkill dinners?
Now that the dog issue is solved, he can look into that red truck which still still smoking and the dang AC ain’t working yet either. Oh, and on the to-list for 2009 — deal with feral dogs coming in from the forest and stealing babies.
Michael Vicks idiot cousin. So why osn’t this guy in prison where he belongs?
Had hizzoner James Valley been a Huckabee male child (now, that’s an inner-resting, Republican career-ending concept — see below), he would have at least hung the dogs first (as is traditionally done in Arkansas).
http://www.arml.org/about_executive.html
I spent my summer vacation hiding in an Arkansas shithouse, hunted by a klavern of huckabees and besieged by wild dogs.
It could’ve been a fraternity hazing ritual gone awry. Somebody said “hey, let’s drop the pledges off in the woods,” and Mayor Moron thought they said “puppies.” They’re nearly the same thing in Arkansas .
What happens if Helena-West Helena has similar problems with its prisons and insane asylums?*
*–yes, insane asylums.
uhm, i thought the fat huckabee kid (the really fat one) was the one that took care of all the stray dogs in arkansas.
He doesn’t just execute dogs. If you look at his blog he had his kangaroo courts execute Tyronza Smith BUT that was after she plead guilty and ordered to pay fines.
El Bombastico: Ya ain’t from around these parts are ya?
Everyone knows people from West Helena are ignorant and their high school football team is made up of a bunch of cripples we will beat again at homecomin
Instead of putting them to sleep, they should have sent them to Paris Hilton:
http://gawker.com/387605/woof
Those dogs are lucky they didn’t get deep fried & served at the local Dairy Queen. I’ve been through AR–scareeee (in my best Jon Stewart voice).
From the Mayor’s blog:
While the recreational opportunities found within the St. Francis National Forest are not as diverse as in other National Forests, the fishing is great! Which is fortunate, since throwing your day’s catch on the bank will delay your being eaten to death by ravenous, feral dogs by at least several minutes. One of your kids? Five minutes. Easy!
The unconfined rugged beauty found in the St. Francis National Forest will surprise and delight the visitor. But not quite as surprised and delighted the feral packs will be while wolfing down your intestines whole as your wife and remaining child shriek in horror, waiting their turn.
Well, okay. His blog, but I word-smithed a bit.
It’s Arkansas, so I have to ask: were the dogs released with their virginity intact? Just the really fast ones?
Wow. I said it in snark (except: released as virgins? Please?!) but the local paper’s story had a comment from local “Smo”:
“Okay, not to smart. My family lives in that area, and they have already had problems with the dogs escaping from there and attacking them. i can only imagine what is going to happen now. I believe the city could get sued if any more attacks happen.”
You’d think a Southern African-American mayor would be sensitive to the whole being-eaten-alive-in-the-backwoods thing. Wasn’t that Bull Conner’s favorite sport?
trai_dep: There is a typo in your quote. Replace ‘unconfined’ with ‘unconfirmed’
what a pity that Mayor James Valley, “of Helena-West Helena,” just shut down his town’s animal shelter and set all the dogs loose in St. Francis National Forest. we will be risking with the safety of our childs, because as it is closed the dogs will be running free here and there.. what a dumbass mayor!
JWP
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Addiction Recovery Arkansas