Wonkette
BREAKING NEWS LITTLE SIREN GIF: Barack has got the Power, and the Delegates …. Well, what have we learned, tonight, other than that your editor has a “drinking problem” due to having some drillings/fillings done on his own teeth an hour ago? We’ve learned that Maverick RINO McCain wants to hate fuck the war until it finally loves him, and he went to a New Orleans suburb to explain why it’s good when there’s no “big government” to help you with change you can believe in. Anyway, let’s liveblog the nonsense as we get some results from South Dakota, the “Bukkake State.”
9:01 PM — Wow, Chris Matthews just told us about the magical Harry Potter-style newspapers of Kenya, where the Junior Wizards are waking up and reading the Kenyan newspapers RIGHT NOW with the breaking news we’ve just heard on live teevee about Obama getting the delegates to claim the nomination!
9:02 PM — But who did Keith Olbermann eat today? Our guess: George Stephanopoulos.
9:03 PM — It’s sleepier at CNN. Maybe because David Gergen is sleepy.
9:05 PM — Hey people, people with the Videos Skillz: Make a 5-minute loop of McCain’s creepy Uncle Pedobear Porky Pig chuckle and new lame catch phrase, “Heh heh th-at’s not ch-ch-ange we can be-lieve in.” We will post it here, probably a dozen times, and give you a link and a PROMISE that we’ll give you one of the FIRST new Wonkette T-shirts.
9:07 PM — Suzanne takes you down, to the desk in the newsroom, she is wearing an orange blazer from Atlanta Ann Taylor, and you know that she’s half crazy and that’s why you want to hear her, and she brings you campaign live feeds from all the way in Iowa ….
9:09 PM — Tom Brokaw is crying, and that is making our Sara K. cry.
9:10 PM — And that is making our Jim talk about “the list of famous coloreds.”s
9:10 PM — Hey McCain is still talking, but only on Fox News!
9:10 PM — Speaking of, this is our liveblogging of McCain’s whiny old man attempt at a speech. Oh man, he is not good at this stuff. So he’ll probably win — after all, he’s got both white skin AND white hair … and maybe even an old vagina somewhere, in the folds of his neck.
9:14 PM — And now, the National Review can heal, and start hating McCain again: “Not to offend those who might be offended, but this speech is a mash and tough to digest. You have to get through the self-congratulatory praise of independence and commander-in-chief pose from the Senate, then you have to try to follow the inconsistency of some of his big-government ideas vs. his anti-big-government rhetoric, and his inconsistency even on his supposed strength — the surge in Iraq vs. closing GITMO and conferring additional rights on the detainees. I am also put off by some of the anti-Bush stuff. Distancing himself from Bush is one thing, but he almost exclusively (as best I can tell) criticizes him, giving Bush little credit (tax cuts, Supreme Court appointments and yes, the surge, which Bush ordered not McCain).”
9:16 PM — BREAKING NEWS FROM ANDREA MITCHELL IN NEW YORK: Hillary wants to meet privately with Obama, immediately, in private, so she can kill him talk to him about what to do, and if he’ll give her MILLIONS OF DOLLARS OF YOUR MONEY, but she doesn’t want to concede, “or embrace him.”
9:18 PM — Oooo, so Hillary wants the veep offer, AND she wants to be veep, just in case, you know, he gets killed next June.
9:19 PM — Soon, we’ll drop in on the Blog Hillary site and give you some “gems.”
9:22 PM — BREAKING NEWS AGAIN, Hillary won South Dakota by … 1,700 votes. So far, with 19% reporting.
9:28 PM — Here comes Hillary, and there is Terry to introduce her, and nobody wants to hear him on The News, and that means our Jim will soon have a new liveblogging!
9:33 PM — Hey Hillary just said South Dakota has the “last word” in this race. What about Montana? COUNT ALL THE 57 STATES.
9:34 PM — Here’s Jim and his favorite lady, Hillary.
How does dental work prove a drinking problem?
No, seriously. I have an appointment Thursday and I need to know.
YAAAYY!! MSNBC finally declared for Barry!
Oh, fuck. Nevermind. I can’t read.
Speaking of drinking problems.
Matthews: This will be huge in Bangladesh!
Olbermann: Hundred and forty-five years ago, when … happened. (Rhymes with bravery.)
For once in my almost adult life, I’m proud of my country. I feel like crying.
BTW, FOX is still carrying McCain’s speech. If that doesn’t say it all.
Time to open the champers…
Time to break out the Andre. Yes, that’s right.
Cheers Barry Bukkake O’Bama!
You guys better snark this thread up quick or I might actually shed some tears. Seriously.
Tom Brokaw and Desmond Tutu have both landed on the moon, apparently, with Martin Luther King Jr. in the orbiter.
Mine is a brut rose’ Wolfberger.NotUrEvryDayWEzl:
AudicityofHope: You had to say it. I had to look. I cannot stop cringing. I think I hate you now.
OMFG,Brokaw is making me cry!
Okay, this delay is not good on a night like tonight. Oh well, Here’s to the Obmamanie!
All right, everyone. I’m still a little weepy, but I’m getting out my AmEx:
http://www.barackobama.com
Give $25, my darlings. Let’s get this shit DONE!
So can we declare racism dead now, forever? Because if we can, I am so dropping my black friends that I only have to prove to others that I am not racist.
He’s got a little curly q, just like Squiggy!
This is beautiful.
loquaciousmusic: Screw that, VOLUNTEER - especially in November. A million people on the street… it’s doable.
El Bombastico: I’m there, man. I’m there. I live in a town with two colleges. All the co-eds and I will be OUT ON THE TOWN FOR BARRY!
AudicityofHope:
Brit Hume: Is this John McCain at his oratorical best?
Carl Cameron: [Yes]. He worked very hard at this.
MY GOD. Really?
“McCain fancies himself a reformer.” Emphasis on the fancy.
I love how no one’s talking about SD.
Harold Ford is harshing my mellow. Uh - did you actually watch McCain’s speech? I guess he’s not infatuated with Hopey, so maybe he sees more clearly than I do?
Is Harold Ford on crack? McCain’s speech was “powerful?!?”
I think the Republicans need to do a mulligan on this primary process, because they ended up with the creepiest man on earth as their nominee.
What a nice night. I think I am going to give the DNC some money…just ’cause I’m feeling charitable.
The bastards will undoubtedly piss me off tomorrow…
It’s time to bury this old man…lets do this thing
Any of you young motherfuckers, I’ve been pissed off since Willie Horton and the ‘88 election. My first presidential election.
Fuck you for making me hope again!
Cocksuckers!
But seriously.
Thanks, you colorblind pinheads.
Harold Ford just called Walnuts’ speech powerful! WTF? Was he smoking something at the Playboy party today?
crookedE: It was if you read it, and the voice in your head sounded like Obama.
Oh good, Tom Brokaw talked about assassination, maybe he’s secretly pulling for Hillary.
El Bombastico: No kidding. Take the frickin’ streets!
Am I the only one braving Fox News? Carl Cameron: McCain’s delivery style is “not as glitzy” as Obama’s. how’s that for hard-hitting political coverage.
El Bombastico: Yep. The way to do it: bodies on the ground.
I’m having Korbel, because I’m a hardworking white woman who voted for Obama.
Fuck demographics. Hooray Obama!
My boyfriend is not ready to celebrate until he actually sees Clinton concede. I thought I was a cynic– sheesh!
Godless Liberal *: The right side of my mouth is so numb, I can barely take a hit off this wine glass!
OMG so weepy and overjoyed…but still drinking white wine as a shoutout to my race…
I honestly did not think even Democrats would be cool enough to vote for a guy named Barack Obama with a Kenyan dad. But we so were! (Sorry I’m gonna be sappy up till the Hill speech. Deal, kiddos.)
Has anyone seen my favorite girl with the hair like a boy, Rachel Maddow?
http://www.hillaryclintonforum.net/
How perfect will places like this be tonight?
Karl Rove looks more and more like Palpatine every time he appears on teh tv
And he ridicules McCain for thinking Louisiana would ever do anything but vote the government that told them to fuck off
I have offered up my vast estate to house an esteemed Obama Fellow for the summer. Ah, Wolf, running on about who’s going to win south dakota. A weasly little poop to the end. I wish him nothing but ill luck, that asslicking little fuck.
jagorev: Sorry, all the mulligans were used up by HRC. No more mulligans, because she bogarted all of them.
I think “Big Government” is the bogeyman talking point for Republicans this election. Grover has been trotting it out and so has McCain.
Bonus effect: It’s east to dog whistle libertarian arguments about racial resentment (welfare, affirmative action, etc.)
crookedE: Harold Ford is a douche. And to think, I was gonna call him.
Jeebus, there’s now a Rove paradigm? Run peeps!
Drink up folks. Hillary is gonna make you pissed all over again.
Ha! Harold Ford says John McCain needs to “resurrect” his 2000 self. How bout you resurrect your deceased ass right now!
Harold Ford, McCain cannot resurrect his 2000 self because of his 2001-2008 self.
Please ask Ford to chill. He’s starting to foam at the mouth.
crookedE: powerful sedative
That McCain speech was pretty sharp on paper, but the delivery killed it. McCain is the anti-Obama.
And now here comes Hill to crush all your hopes, remind you that superdelegates can change their mind at any time, and she’s taking this all the way to Denver.
Double his Secret Security detail. It just got real.
Ford on nbc is a big Imus ass licker. Imus licks
McKrazy’s bunghole, ergo
ah fuck it.
Hillary does not wish to embrace Barack? Fuck that, I want to embrace him, and never let go.
Chris Matthews is sick of Andrea Mitchell and her reporting skills
For the first time in my adult life, I can listen to country & western music without a trace of irony.
I’m proud to be an American, cuz at least we beat Hillaryyyyyyy
This may be the last time I get to sit in awe of what a douche HRC can be. *sniff* Wicked Witch of the West, I think I’ll miss you most of all…
Andrea clearly has no air in that hellhole
she makes no sense. again.
Democrats, I see your young black man and raise you another. Harold Ford for McCain’s VP!
Our inadequate black male is all grown up **sniff**.
I’m cringing again! HRC wants a private meeting she’s so bossy! Would somebody please tell her that she didn’t win?
Jesus, Andrea Mitchell is kind of cranky tonight, huh?
Harvey Birdman: The last time Americans were concerned about “big government” was, like, 1994. Gawd, that speech was so out of touch with anything that Americans are actually concerned about.
Smoke Filled Roommate: I agree. Sounds reasonable. I don’t hear any fat lady singing yet. Bad stuff can still happen.
Hey, Creepy McCain…if Obamaworld is the Matrix, I *choose* the Matrix!
O man if Jeff Toobin were here I would so blow him!
graceless*: Yeah, but would you want to be that someone?
Delicious: Of course she will. This is why Bill fucks other women when he can. One reason anyway.
OMG THE CNN TALKING HEADS ARE HAVING AN ANAL FUCK FEST ON JOHN MCCAIN’S PITIFUL SPEECH.
They are being just brutal about McCain at The Corner.
I mean, seriously, I thought John Kerry was bad, but McCain is like everything that’s wrong with Kerry multiplied by ten.
loquaciousmusic: Consider that she’s been surrounded by cranky post-menopausal women for the last year. She just thinks that’s how you act now.
Don’t offer Obama, just don’t.
VP? Hoopy should tell Hills hey, it’s my way or the Hershey Highway.
wonk_the_heck: haha! powerful vomit-inducement.
Yay, Rachel. She said clinch. hot
Oh, Rachel Maddow…the one that got away…sigh
Here comes Hill’s gigantic historic speech. According to CNN’s c**k teasers.
OMG HILLARY WINS….WHAT, EXACTLY?
Oh god, cue Pat Buchanan to tell us how horrible it is for Barack that he couldn’t win SD…
ForTheTurnstiles: Bubba’s impotent, mostly. Since his heart thing, the medicines took that out of him.
HAHAHA, Pat Buchanan just said that the SD victory gives Hillary a stronger claim to the nomination.
PB says she can’t make it hard. Bill knows.
I DEMAND A RECOUNT, you fascists.
If you’re not crying enough yet, this’ll push you over the edge:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=N2v6SOY1aEc
I know it’s not South Dakota, but still…
aight, I’m switching from wine to hard liquor and sleeping pills. Hillary was just projected to win South Dakota. wake me in 2012!
All this distracting garbage for SO much time. This process had rules they all agreed on. EVERYTHING else is distraction.
PBR: “Obama’s acting like he’s entitled to this presidency…”‘
PBR stands for Pat Buchanan, Racist. Never forget.
ronaldpagan: Me, yessire. Hey that’s an idea, I’m going to her website, and send an email! Thanks, what a good idea! I’ll be right back.
Someone needs to tell McCain that a translucent person should not stand in front of a bright green background.
NotUrEvryDayWEzl:
Bukake?
Eek, Madame de Sade to speak. Up the sedatives please.
OMG HILLARY’S SPEECH WILL BE THE FUNNIEST THING EVER!!!! I AM TURNING OFF MY PHONE JUST IN CASE ANYONE INTERRUPTS A SINGLE SECOND OF HER TEARS FOR ME!!!
(Sorry, my caps lock key has Hillary Clinton Forum Disease.)
Brit Hume is seething.
It must suck for Hillary to get the momentum this late in the game, maybe she should have started drinking heavily earlier in the campaign
“You’re gonna see Democrats coming together like never before…”
Obviously, he doesn’t read Jezebel.
graceless*: I know. He really needs to not offer. That is the last of Hillary’s devious tricks.
RonaldReagansHair: He’s ruined the color for me. I’m not sure I can sleep in my sheets now.
graceless*: That explains the post-op anger issue.
I keep refreshing the cache, but ain’t nothing happening!
Ted Stevens, where are you?
Hey look, Hillary’s fluffer is at the podium. I want to hear him speak.
Ahhhggggg Terry McAuliffe and his yellow tie.
Hilz speaking at Baruch is a pandering
at ground zero for zionistas.
bitchincamaro: I merely quote our great leader we can believe in, Ken Layne.
Ah, there they are….The Army of Bitters…
Terry McAullife just took a few hits off his crack pipe and ran onto the stage to get the Hillz folks hyped up! Do you think he every talks at a normal decibel level?
What is that woman behind Terry holding? A pink bear?
(I’m onto glass of wine #3, so please excuse the typos that I’m sure will begin soon.)
Terry McAuliffe is starting to look like a thinner version of the baddie from Darkman. Coincidence?
Terry seems to have overcome th e hangover
quickly enuff.
That guy(?) in the brown shirt immediately to the right of the podium - does (s)he follow Hillary around and always sit behind her at televised speeches?