Wonkette

is that alan greenspan booty dancing with a soccer mom?

Imagine the kind of people that buy that? The website says that it costs $100,000! I just want to meet these people, and ask why they're so afraid of life.

I looks like it's made out of the same kind of shitty particleboard paneling you'd find in some kids parents' basement. It probably won't protect you from terrorists, but if you pretend hard enough it can protect you from the onset of the 1980s.

When I was a kid we used to call those boxes where you sleep "coffins".

Just curious -- why are people obligingly boxing themselves up in a carryout container for their kidnappers/stalkers?

A Spitzer whore could buy 20 of them. Sweet!

Looks like a big coffin.

"The unit can also be fitted with defensive devices customized to the requests of the purchasers such as tear gas spray, robotic arms, or projectile weaponry."

That's all well and good until your Quantum Sleeper becomes sentient and uses its "projectile weaponry" on your wife.

The 1970s called. They want their ugly-ass console bed design back.

That looks more like the type of box you would use to lock up a "gimp" (like the one in Pulp Fiction). I may order one for myself for just that purpose.

They should call it the Gimp-Matic.

@metropolitan: No that is a suburban housewife who has been kidnapped by the neighborhood loner who is going to lock her up in that box for his private enjoyment for the remainder of her years.

Good thing this came along... I thought I was going to have to hide from the terrorists in Hillary's box.

If this coffin's rockin', don't come a knockin'. And if it's not, you've come too late.

@Miss Perception:
Actually, it sort of looks like Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid.

@FloraWay: Tom Cruise...

I'll only buy it if it makes the "che-choo-chee-che" transformers noise when it opens.

Hibernation! A perfect solution! But not the first time America had to resort to it:

John Adams / Martin van Buren / Andrew Johnson / James Garfield / Richard Nixon and Pigasus (who nobody realizes winning with a landslide, because everybody was sleeping.)

There's nothing better than a wood box to protect you from a nuclear holocaust.

@Miss Perception: Then Lindsay Wagner can ask "What's Your Gimp Number?"

Is that Lawrence Lessig?

Oh so that's where Brian Lamb of C-span hid Obama?? Because I still haven't seen him on C-span with any of his new policy speeches. Where's the one he just gave on the economy??

Brian, as soon as you're done jacking off to Clinton, Gingrich and McCain under those white robes I suggest you parachute off to Alabama or somewhere. Quick.

Because Obama's going to win. And your palm will grow coarse and hairy.

What? No duct tape? How can you survive without duct tape?

Needs a higher lid. Missionary would get boring after a while.

@Canuckledragger: This shit's awesome! I can final stop sleeping standing up in the closet with the door taped shut.

I've been trying to find a way to withdraw further from society.

This should do the trick. Just me and my inner voices from now on . . .

If you close the lid, does it have mirrors on the top?

Gotta see the action!

No mirrors, no go!

I was sure this was a spoof page, as there's nothing to order, no contact number, and just an email address. But I looked up the patent, and he actually filed it, so hmmmm.

[patft.uspto.gov]

It's a quantum sleeper, which means you're both asleep and awake until someone opens it up and collapses the wave function.

@metropolitan: It's creepy the way he has her arms pinned so she can't resist while he dry humps her lower back.

test

Goddamn motherfuckin' cowardly pussies. I'm talking to you, America, you motherless cunts.

To homage the comment above (and Robert Anton Wilson):

So if this is like the Quantum box (I said box) that Schroedinger put his cat (I said cat) in, can you be both fucking the cougary milf soccer mom and NOT fucking the cougary milf soccer mom... I mean, your state is unknown until the physicists running the experiment opens the box, right?

Perhaps we should put McLame, Hillz and Barama in the box and not open it until after the elections, and let quantum causality determine our fates...

I want to end up trapped inside one of those with Chelsea and Ashley Kristen.

Protection from Natural Disaster(s)?
I don't see an anchor around that thing; so you may go to sleep in New Orleans and wake up in La Habana, Dios te libre y guarde!

Protection from stalkers?? I'd say you just made it a hell of a lot easier for them to find you.

Retreating into phantasy works for Hils, it should work for us:

+ Watch video

Where's the plastic and duck tape?

Buy the new Quantum Sleeper with boson-rich pine veneer exterior. Now with 50% more fermions than the Original Sleeper.

This bed and its attributes were invented prior to 9:11 and were conceived on July 10th in Fort Lauderdale 2001.

9:11 AM or 9:11 PM because I only spend $135,000 on crazy shit from crazy MORNING people.

At first glance I thought the copy said, "Protection from kids".

Really, who couldn't use some protection from their progeny?

Why are people so afraid of dying? There are worse things to have happen, you know. Typical white people.

Gee, I hope they considered the necessity of air-holes.

@FloraWay: The person that buys this is someone like my Uncle John. In the early 1960's he built a fallout shelter under his driveway in response to the Cuban missile crisis. Soon afterward it filled with a couple of feet of water from an underground stream. But as an eight-year old I thought it was cool, like an adult subterranean tree-house. But even as a child, I knew that the ventilation pipes under a pine tree probably would not filer out radiation. As for the Quantum Sleeper, where, exactly, is the potty?

This cries out for Kustomization: let's pimp this bad boy with a GPS system and a spinnaker advertising Captain Morgan rum. You could sail it down the East River on your way to the Hamptons or -- if you fuck up -- maybe Sandy Hook. How about a New Orleans franchise?

I just kinda want to throw both of those crazy kids in there and see what happens in four years.