The Amazing Underdog Tale of Mittens

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Mitt Romney’s second place victory in Iowa is a first place victory for the American Dream.

Mittens, beaten down by societal prejudices against white males, grew up in the seedy back alleys of the Michigan governor’s mansion — had he taken one wrong turn, he could be living the wasted life of some of his childhood friends as a lawyer, or a doctor. He was always perseverent, and he channeled that energy into investment banking — not the highest paying job, but money isn’t everything. Then he ran the Olympics and was Governor of Massachusetts, still looking for that big break in life. No one knew Mitt Romney in Iowa when came here to run for president with only two nickels to rub together (each nickel being worth $100 million dollars, as is a custom in Mormonism). But some people knew him tonight. Mitt Romney won second against Mike “Moneybags” Huckabee, and GODDAMNIT if that isn’t something special. Watch his speech above, for you will find no spin when it comes to Mittens “Underdog” Romney. Goodnight.

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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