Wonkette
As John Edwards made so clear in his loser speech just now, middle America is kind of poor and pretty angry about slick corporate East Coast sleazebags like opera-loving Manhattan dandy Rudy Giuliani and dog-torturing Mormon multi-millionaire Mitt Romney. That’s why folksy Mike Huckabee is the new GOP frontrunner and suddenly plausible Republican nominee.
Huckabee is the White Oprah. He came from humble beginnings somewhere, in the same strange petri dish that created Bill Clinton. And Huckabee was fat. If you want to know how fat, just look at his psychopathic son — the one who murders dogs, and smuggles loaded guns through airport security.
Mitt Romney only outspent Huckabee’s campaign by about $50 million dollars. (Huckabee spent three bucks, and had some coupons from the Pennysaver.) Where is Mitt, anyway? Even Rudy went on CNN to give a high five to Huckabee.
Anyway, 34% for the Huckster, a solid 10% over Richie McRomney. Ron Paul, of course, was somehow kept out of third place by the same globalist anti-gold anti-freedom forces who let Mexicans run loose in our country while Hitlery runs for president.
From Nowhere, Huckabee Prevails [NYT]
Obama and Huckabee win in Iowa [Politico]
Comments
I'm having a hard time finding the cross behind Huck.
Chuck Norris' enormous veneers are blinding me every time he opens his mouth to offer than grin of his.
@Scott-san: Chuck Norris is in the way.
*that grin. Fuck.
@Scott-san: That's because Chuck Norris is in the way.
vertical stripes = slimming
I'm watching his speech now. Chuck Norris is in the background. It's weird. Weird weird weird. Through-the-looking-glass weird. Lovecraft weird. WEIRD.
chuck norris doesn''t caucus, he coronates!! or something...
It is hidden in the optical illusion created by Huckajebus' denim shirt.
Chuck Norris is standing behind Teh Huckbeez as he speaks ... Jeebus wants him to move into 1600 Penn, says he.
If he wins, I've been advised to move to Luxembourg.
Hillary gives her speech with a former NATO supreme commander, a former secretary of state, and a former president standing next to her. Hucklebee has Chuck Norris IN A PLAID SHIRT.
Couldn't Norris have put on a fucking dress shirt. That's totally Paul Bunyan.
On my widescreen TV, Chuck Norris's head looks like a freaking blimp!
It's about loving those who are behind us...LIKE CHUCK NORRIS!
With Hucklebee running as Repug, Dems could pick up a spoiled bag of cabbage from the underneath a bus, and run it and win.
His wife is totally still fat and thus excluded from the teevee screen right now.
Chuck should just replace the Secret Service detail if it comes to that point.
Huck and Chuck--this country's just getting weirder by the minute.
@HRHKingFriday:
hah!
@HRHKingFriday:
Is that his wife's tit on one side of the screen?
The Wonkette Hivemind is now bored with the caucuses and wants karate flicks and more Chuck Norris jokes.
His Chuckness' eyes are agleam with tears. A cure for cancer, at long last!
Norris is rather chimp like when he smiles.
Even in his previous form, Huck had a loveable face his spawn have not inherited. Don't they know Jesus loves them just the way they are?
I can't help but be driven to adolescent giggling by Huck's references to loving "the America behind us."
@zyxkonrad: Juuuuust the nipple. I like how they cautiously zoomed out and OHMIGOD! then went right back to just Huck
they cut huck off before he strapped on the thunderstick and launched into "Debaser"...
How did I miss the near-tit? I must've been hypnotized by the Face of God.
Where is Barack so Wolf can stop his babbling about same? Young female voters want their Obamalovin'.
Turnout turnout turnout. No snark here for just one second. Dem turnout was through the fucking roof. Thats good.
Now snark. What do we know? Young womens hates the Hillz. Pigfuckers loves the huckz. Edwards can give an impassioned speach lasting 3 hours without looking at a teleprompter, and the media will show 30 seconds of it and won't spend one minute giving any significance to his second place showing. Chris mathews loves emphasizing Hussein when sayng Obama's name. Hillz is a big leaking sack of over-practiced, over-triangulating shit. Ron Paulz showing is just about exactly the level of mentally ill people in the population.
I am praying Huckabeez wins, praying Hillz doesn't. Any combination other than McCain-Hillz results in Dem win.
CharlesRockyPamplin: And Mitt is the chien andloseria, I suppose. (But he would have played "This Monkey's Gone To Heaven." Better bass-line, good for creationists, etc.)
Speaking of which: Mitt apparently, according to teh MSNBC, was bent at his party. Total class, that dood.
@CharlesRockyPamplin: @Chicago Bureau:
i would've gone with 'Here Comes Your Man" but whatev.
If Mike Huckabee is so religious, why does Holy Water burn him?!?
@Chicago Bureau: Chien andalusian
the thought of huckabee vs. edwards in the general election is a dark thought lurking in the back of my mind. take your pick: creationist, ouachita baptist university graduate whose biggest achievement is not being disgustingly fat anymore, or 1890s william jennings bryan reincarnated who thinks 'resource allocation' and 'price signals' are just made-up rich people words. plus, both are hillbillies.
(is the html tags thing cool here, or is that just on deadspin?)
Come on, just think of Huckabee as Bill Clinton without the brains.
@Johnny Zhivago's Cat: And the Clenis. Don't forget the all-important Clenis.
His belly is so large that I expect a mutant head to pop out of his shirt - a la Total Recall - and blurt out all the deep, dark secrets of the Huckabee clan.
So that's what happened to my grandmother's blue-and-white-striped sofa set.
@ clowntownfrown If William Jennings Bryan had become president, you might be able to smoke a Cuban cigar.
I think the guy in the back of the photo used to be an actor in the 1920s and 30s.
@weazel: No spoiled cabbage in Iowa right now (too frickin' cold). Will arugula do?
The Hallmark Channel was airing a "Walker, Texas Ranger" episode during that speech. I kept flipping the two channels and laughing. Too bad they didn't follow it with an old Huckleberry Hound cartoon.
Wow, look at that huge Waffle House they built behind them. Mmmm...pecan waffles...
promnightdumpsterbaby: Shoulda capped andLOSERia in re Mittens. But there it is.
If the Huck becomes the next President, does that mean the Chuck will be our new Secretary of Defense?
The only positive thing I can say about that picture is that at least they didn't make the dog wear a blues-striped or red sweater -- but I may still have to gouge my eyes out...
@quangonaut: And his hair is a really weird color not found in nature.
Sweet Jesus...don't they know that stripes add at least 10 pounds to a photo.
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