Wonkette

The Pentagon finally has a new, workable strategy in Iraq. The Iraqis may not have been impressed with the size of our force or its movements, our earth-shattering explosions or our collaborative efforts with other forces, but the smart folks at the Pentagon think they’ve hit upon on the one thing they’re sure will awe Iraqis into submission.

The Army began issuing new uniforms (with a top-secret feature) to its service members in late 2004. That secret feature is now a matter of public record, so we can finally tell you: they have crotches that rip open during combat!

While troops have been complaining about “crotch durability problems” since 2005, they didn’t realize it was all an Army plan to “awe” the enemy with the collective size of American junk! By exposing the true extent of American “might” to the Iraqis, the Army was convinced that they’d simply pack away their weapons and bombs and walk away defeated (except for the women, of course).

I mean, it’s either that or the military issued its soldiers shoddy uniforms that could result in someone getting his head blown-off in a non-metaphorical sense when he can’t not look for the source of the ripping noise. But the Army wouldn’t do that to its soldiers, so it’s definitely the penis thing.

Army fixing uniforms prone to rips [USA Today]