Nothing says “War On Christmas” like a bunch of lousy little gifts bought in bulk for $28K-a-year junior staffers, or the local crack addict ringing the (fake) Salvation Army bell outside the CVS, or the office shitbird who brings a $2 bottle of undrinkable Charles Shaw to your holiday party you spent a thousand bucks stocking with good food and wine, or the 6 lbs. of LL Bean and Crate & Barrel catalogs crammed in your broken mailbox every single day, or the giant DC rats gnawing through the caterer’s trash on Embassy Row, or the cheerful sight of an abandoned date-rape preppie gal passed out in the gutter a half block from Smith Point.
Something really is the Reason for the Season, and that’s why we’ve spent far too much time preparing this special little Wonkette War On Xmas Gift Guide. We’ve got the stuff you need to purchase for your few friends and many enemies, after the jump.
Cold War Unicorns — Remember the Cold War? It was awesome. Nothing really happened — other than the United States losing proxy wars in Korea and Vietnam and the USSR losing a proxy war in Afghanistan, thanks to American hero Osama bin Laden, and lots of other terrible stuff in Africa, Asia, Latin America and Eastern Europe. But there were great spy books by Ian Fleming and John Le Carre. And all the bad people were “communists” instead of “terrorists.” Good times. Relive the glory with these gay-ass unicorns.
Cold War Unicorns [Shakespeare's Den]
Also at Pulp, 1803 14th St NW, Washington, DC 20009, (202) 462-7857. (Thanks Amy)
T-shirt Expressing Support For Medieval Crusades — Although the Catholic Church actually lost all the Crusades and Muslim forces had already successfully claimed huge chunks of Europe including Spain, Sicily, Majorca, Sardinia, southern Italy, Greece and the Balkans, for some reason it makes the proud 31% happy to talk about how great it would be to repeat the Crusades, because clearly the United States isn’t killing enough Muslims in Iraq and Afghanistan. This shirt has the extra bonus of featuring a Nazi Iron Cross as the illustration. Seldom has jingoistic ignorance and plain bad taste been so perfectly matched. (Or maybe it’s intentional. Remember, the Crusades in the Middle East had companion Crusades at home in Europe, where all the Christians who couldn’t make the trip south killed a proxy enemy: the Jews! The massacre of European Jewry during the Crusades wouldn’t be equaled until Hitler’s Holocaust.)
Bring Back The Crusades Women’s Pink T-Shirt [The Right Mind]
Bluetooth-enabled Sex Toy — Want to get a classless yet geeky sex toy for that Hill staffer gal you’ve been drunkenly hooking up with? Are you a Congressman who wants to use your latest young girlfriend’s vagina even when you’re far away taking bribes? We have the perfect gift idea: A “bullet” vibrator with a Bluetooth antenna wire on the end — your special lady keeps that part hanging out like a tampon string.
When you’re “in the mood” to send filthy text messages at inappropriate moments, the vibrator part somehow gets activated by your gal pal’s own mobile phone. And then … oh hell, who cares. This is for dudes who have issues:
Are you one of the many men who agonize over how to pleasure your woman? Don’t dismay — you are not alone. The mysteries of female sexual pleasure are often a frustration for men, but The Toy can alleviate that. Using this sensual pleasure toy to titillate your woman opens up a whole new world of sexual pleasure techniques.
Use only as directed. May cause cervical cancer.
The Toy [Cool and Groovy Toy Company]
Polonium-210 — Political kingpins around the world watched in wonder as “former” KGB chief Vladimir Putin had his critic and ex-spy Alexander Litvinenko poisoned with a rare radioactive element. Ah ha, they all said, collectively, This kills the dissident while also sending a brutal message to other wannabe dissidents! Very nice, I like.
For many on Capitol Hill and K Street, the obvious question is “Where can I buy that radioactive poison online and kill my enemies?” The answer is right here. Even better, the U.S. supplier is Area 51 whistleblower Bob Lazar, who now runs a science-supply company that is regularly raided by the same U.S. government that buys all his stuff.
UFO Nut Sells Spy Poison Online [Defense Tech]
Shitty Ronald Reagan Poster — Remember the Gipper? He was this guy who was once the president, and many “political people” still remember him today. Some of them, in fact, believe his animated corpse is still walking around the White House, or California, saying those charming things that weren’t really funny while George H.W. Bush actually ran the Executive Branch. Be a “Secret Santa” and get one of these creepy posters of the Undead Gipper for your least best friend.
President Ronald Reagan 8″x10″ Art Print [Victory Store]
Tiny Little Condoms — These days, gals on the Hill go crazy when you accidentally impregnate them because normal condoms are way too big for your penis. Worry no more! Special new “Capitool” condoms are available once again! Buy some for your favorite staffer today!
Smaller Condoms – Four Seasons Tighter Fit [Shop Private]
Essential equipment for the ‘Citizen Journalist’ — We love the whole Citizen Journalist thing, because it means everyone is free to come up with bad theories, lame opinions, boring podcasts and lousy pictures taken with a mobile phone — and we can all laugh together, at them. So this special shop set up by our pals at Pajamas Media seemed pretty good: a decent little Canon PowerShot, an iPod to … listen to your own podcasts (?), memory cards, a nice mic/headset for
sexytime interviewing other bloggers on Skype, and books by or about A.J. Liebling and George Orwell and famous blogger Glenn “Instapundit” Reynolds. But one of these items is not like the others.
Pepper Spray. What sort of delusions would lead some blogger to think Pepper Spray was a real important thing to keep on hand? When the Islamic Terror Fascists finally start making Hugh Hewitt wear a burqa, is pepper spray going to help?
Liberality For All — Have you wondered if the USA would’ve survived 9/11 without Cheney and Rumsfeld and all those guys who probably actually did the 9/11 attacks? What if crazy liberals ran Washington in 2001? Obviously, Osama bin Laden would be president or something (finally!) and Sean Hannity would be a Super Robot For Freedom. And the alternate-universe skinny young Matt Drudge would be shot dead by the UN for reading his own website. Oh, vanity! (Sadly, you can’t really purchase more than a printout of the pretend comic book’s covers, but anything from the limited inventory still makes a very special holiday gift.)
LIBERALITY FOR ALL [ACC Studios]